Husband and family think I am RICH! Hellllpppp

[*JG* 2]

The thing with the money requests when they get here......Andre's family and friends called and made the stories sound so desperate and urgent, he felt he had to send them some money or they wouldn't have food, go to school, get the medicine they needed.... It was easy for him to deflect the friends that wanted money for a car, a plane ticket, concert tickets, a grill (I KID YOU NOT!)....But, those that "sounded" urgent, he had a hard time resisting.

Although I doubted many of them, it took him a long time to figure out they were playing him. A lie caught here, words spoken and then repeated back to him there, money not used for what they said, too many calls too often......well, let's just say he doesn't send very often anymore. And, he's stopped answering calls from most of them, sometimes all of them.

It's a learning process.

[Leedah 22]

Thanks everyone for the posts.

I posted and sat back so that I could get a good mix of different idea's and situations.

Ultimately, me and my husband had a looooooong talk and I pretty much explained that I was fed up with the money issue. Well, he listened to what I had to say and I listened to him. In the end, he got the picture that I wasn't made of money and we decided to stop even talking about money until he's here. I know that he will NEVER get it that Americans are not made out of money until he can see for himself, though I'm sure that I've impressed upon him that I don't have any left over to just send off. He has finally spoken out and explained that the distance is not just affecting me, it's affecting him also (though he is more reserved than me). He explained that in his culture, when a spouse (male or female) get's a chance to travel and work, they naturally send money to help until that spouse can come. I informed him that if I had it, I would (out of love, not some cultural obligation), but since I don't ...then I don't. It appears that his attitude has gotten in check and he's slowed his roll. It also helped that I had one of my friends here (also from Gambia) talk to him. Now he apologizes for "stressing me".

Hmmm... lol

[Simply_Uno 1]

God bless!!

[Zee Bee 61]

Thats good to hear Leedah.

But like you said, its not until he gets here that he is going to actually get it.

[*JG* 2]

Thanks everyone for the posts.

I posted and sat back so that I could get a good mix of different idea's and situations.

Ultimately, me and my husband had a looooooong talk and I pretty much explained that I was fed up with the money issue. Well, he listened to what I had to say and I listened to him. In the end, he got the picture that I wasn't made of money and we decided to stop even talking about money until he's here. I know that he will NEVER get it that Americans are not made out of money until he can see for himself, though I'm sure that I've impressed upon him that I don't have any left over to just send off. He has finally spoken out and explained that the distance is not just affecting me, it's affecting him also (though he is more reserved than me). He explained that in his culture, when a spouse (male or female) get's a chance to travel and work, they naturally send money to help until that spouse can come. I informed him that if I had it, I would (out of love, not some cultural obligation), but since I don't ...then I don't. It appears that his attitude has gotten in check and he's slowed his roll. It also helped that I had one of my friends here (also from Gambia) talk to him. Now he apologizes for "stressing me".

Hmmm... lol

Your post made me contemplate how many other people out there are having these doubts and issues about "naturaly send(ing) money to help until that spouse can come" and have no one to talk to about it.

We are not the first to have these issues, we will not be the last. The key is to deal with it however it is best for you as a couple to deal with it.

In the end, you have to live with those decisions.

I can tell you those same people who are begging us for money, are going out more then we are, have less stress then we do, are not working themselves to death with 2 or more jobs a piece, most not working at all, and are nowhere to be found when we need money ourselves.

Talk it out and you will be fine.

[Linguere 0]

I'm happy for you!! I hope all continues to go well.

I know that no matter what we say, they won't get it until they are here. Fortunately, my husband has lived for extended periods of time in Europe and both he and his family understand that no one is being handed money. We buy a few trinkets for the children and the family is thrilled to have many pictures that I paid .06 for on winkflash.com.

I know a lot of people who have families back home and they live here in the U.S. and send money back to their wife and family. I've never seen a woman sending money back to her husband though (except in circumstances like I have recently read on VJ).

[Simply_Uno 1]

I forgot to add, I told my husband as of the receipt of his last care package (one week ago), the gift cow has officially dried up. He wholeheartedly accepted the message...,don't know what he thought about the messenger.

But as y'all get to know me, my motto is "UNO don't give ah' damn about whatchu' think!"

[Leedah 22]

You guys are tooooo funny! Especially you, Uno.

Kind reminded me of this picture

hahaha.

Thanks for all the info and opinions everyone. Much appreciated!

[JJWashington 0]

Good Luck

[Simply_Uno 1]

You guys are tooooo funny! Especially you, Uno.

Kind reminded me of this picture

hahaha.

Thanks for all the info and opinions everyone. Much appreciated!

Leedah, girl, I can't stop laughin' that is tooo cute.

[Donna A 4]

i agree...make copies of all ur bills and you pay stubs. save copies of grocery reciets and send them to him...he can do the math and see where ur money goes and there is none left for him.

If you have to do all that, there is something seriously wrong wth the relationship.

that doesnt mean there is something wrong with a relationship. someone from another country dont understand that we are not as wealthy as people think. unless they see it in writing they cant imagine it. even my husband before coming to the united states couldnt imagine the cost of things here. he got a real surprise when he got here and saw what things cost. i think that was the biggest culture shock to him more then anything.

[Imua 0]

My husband asked me for money ONCE, during the Hindu holiday season in Oct/Nov and we had a major disagreement about it. He had never asked before but I had a previous Nepali ex who was asking for money right and left and then never showed a bit of gratitude. He came from a country where the annual per capita income is something like $1400 and he would complain because I 'only' sent $100... So after that experience you can bet that my sirens were going off when hubby asked for money. His father owns his own business and until recently was the sole breadwinner for the family, so when he needs to take time off then there is no money coming in. At the holiday season he needed to go to his village(naturally having to close up shop at the time) and found out his 86 year old father(hubby's grandfather) was sick - this is when hubby asked me for money. I tried to tell him what problems I was having here, NYC is expensive and I only make a librarian's salary, but of course he will not understand until he is here in our old, poorly maintained(B/c the landlord is a tighta$$) 1br apt. which we will have to share with my roommate(who holds the lease) until G has a job.... I told him because of the cost of living here in NYC unless you are an investment banker or the like your standard of living is probably better in Nepal, though we do have clean water, etc... we will have our own bedroom to ourselves when I go to visit him in KTM in June but when he comes here we will be sleeping on a sofa bed in the living room and I am worried about what the lack of privacy in addition to all the other adjustment issues will do to our marriage... My credit is not great so I am worried about our chances of finding an apartment... So at the time he asked for money I refused and accused him of being like my ex, I really let him have it... but now I realized he is not like that and really needed the money. He has not asked since then and I have told him my concerns about our life here, that we will really be struggling. At the same time I have offered to send him gifts and he says he needs nothing. I want to send him something small for Valentine's Day and am even puzzling about that... He said recently his grandfather's health had taken a turn for the worse and his father maybe would need to go back to the village... I offered to send money if he needed it and he said 'not now, I will let you know if we need it'... I think he understands my situation better and what his situation will be like here.

[reeses16 8]

Pattu Rani,

Do the best you can! : ) When we were first married, my hubby lived with my parents for almost a month while I finished a job in DC (I was renting a room from someone and I absolutely couldn't afford a place for the 2 of us to be together in DC). Then we lived with my parents together 2 weeks before we moved across country and settled into our own place. It wasn't ideal, but its what we were able to do financially. My hubby likes to say that because things started out rough we will have a sweet ending.

Have you been able to work on your credit score? If you have credit card debt have you tried to minimize your payments? I know a few people that have used a Consumer Credit Counseling Service (NEVER use a Debt Consolidation Company) to get out of debt and improve their score long term. I know financial matters can be very stressful. Don't be afraid to deal with them and make a good plan. Even when money is tight (always!) I feel better knowing I have a plan.

[Imua 0]

Pattu Rani,

Do the best you can! : ) When we were first married, my hubby lived with my parents for almost a month while I finished a job in DC (I was renting a room from someone and I absolutely couldn't afford a place for the 2 of us to be together in DC). Then we lived with my parents together 2 weeks before we moved across country and settled into our own place. It wasn't ideal, but its what we were able to do financially. My hubby likes to say that because things started out rough we will have a sweet ending.

Have you been able to work on your credit score? If you have credit card debt have you tried to minimize your payments? I know a few people that have used a Consumer Credit Counseling Service (NEVER use a Debt Consolidation Company) to get out of debt and improve their score long term. I know financial matters can be very stressful. Don't be afraid to deal with them and make a good plan. Even when money is tight (always!) I feel better knowing I have a plan.

Thanks for your advice.

I'm happy to hear when you guys were first reunited it wasn't the ideal 'love nest' scenario but you came through OK - my roommate is very cool and understanding and has agreed to give us lots of time alone so hopefully it will all work out for us too.

My credit issues stem from the fact that I filed for bankruptcy in 2001(discharged Feb 2002) and it stays on your credit report for 10 years. Also, I waited 5 years to get any new credit - wanted to avoid credit cards because of my past mistakes but the system puts you in such a bind - cannot afford to buy a house and do not drive so credit cards are the only way I can rebuild my credit. I am not now in debt and have really been conscientious about paying my bills on time but still my score is very low - the last time I checked maybe a year ago it was about 580. That was with my Providian Visa card which used to give you a free credit score on their website - since they were taken over by another bank they no longer provide that service.

[Kanyiri 0]

Your post made me contemplate how many other people out there are having these doubts and issues about "naturaly send(ing) money to help until that spouse can come" and have no one to talk to about it.

We are not the first to have these issues, we will not be the last. The key is to deal with it however it is best for you as a couple to deal with it.

In the end, you have to live with those decisions.

I can tell you those same people who are begging us for money, are going out more then we are, have less stress then we do, are not working themselves to death with 2 or more jobs a piece, most not working at all, and are nowhere to be found when we need money ourselves.

Talk it out and you will be fine.

This is SOO true and I think about it everytime my husbands family or friends call asking for money. So true.

You guys are tooooo funny! Especially you, Uno.

Kind reminded me of this picture

hahaha.

Thanks for all the info and opinions everyone. Much appreciated!

This is TOO funny!! If I could post this on my wall about work I SO would.