Husband and family think I am RICH! Hellllpppp

[SupportOAFJF 0]

not looking for someone to tell me what to do. was looking for other experiences of others. somehow, this topic started focusing on something totally different. hmmm...

What would these experiences do for you? Because with this visa process others try to sift out possible 'waste of time" and if the relationship is indeed for real. Don't know how many people have this same experience where their husband/wife will not believe or catch attitude when you cannot afford to send him money take care of his entire family.

[Simply_Uno 1]

not looking for someone to tell me what to do. was looking for other experiences of others. somehow, this topic started focusing on something totally different. hmmm...

oh, okay, you were looking for other experiences...lemme see

oh, yes...heres one:

right around christmas, my husband told me that the jobs were going to close on Dec.21, 2007 and that they were going to open back up around Jan. 07, 2008. I said okay. Now mind you this is the small business owners and independent companies. So I'm like okay, sounds like christmas vacation to me . Okay, next up, the 20th of December, my husband called me with all types of enthusiasm in his voice talkin' bout "UNO, oh ah baby," I'm like "yeah...???" and see I knew it was coming. He said "I was 'tinkin' if dere's hany way you can find around you some petty petty money to send to your dear 'usband", and I'm going, "well, whats wrong, did some one die, is some one after you cause if it is, I can call my peeps and we go trans atlantic and take it to the streets!" well to that he goes "no, don't be ridiculous, I can call God for dat!" I said "oh, well continue". Then he proceeds to tell me about he can continue to work while the company is closed, he just needs to get a phone and purchase a computer to put in his flat and its only going to cost $1000.00. I said "wow, thats not bad for enginuity and telecommuting, so what do you want me to do?" Then he proceeds to tell me, "ah'gain, I was tinkin', if you could send your 'usband the petty petty money, I don't know if you can look into your purse and go to the western union and send it to me and I'll pick it up with in the hour!" I became silent... then I laughed my A$$ off (delirium set in real quick) .

Needless to say, he asked me "oh, ah baby, why are you laughing at de 'usband?".

I told him, "what makes you think I just a got "grip" sittin' in my purse waitin' on you?" and "how can you be so naiive as to think that I just ate spinach and I am going to sh!t out money specifically for you?"

I also explained to him, "money don't live here any more!" and the sooner he loses his "african wisdom about america, he's going to be alot better off!"

I continued to laugh at his ignorant (Noun 1. ignorance - the lack of knowledge or education) #### and hung up the phone.

p.s. is that more along the lines of what you were looking for? if so, I have a few more

[We_Destiny 1]

thanks.

Anyone still have any info about the folks thinking we're rich?

In most cases the SO from the foreign country is poorer by US standards than the Us citizen. But usually in their country taking into account the cost of living and the fact they live with family and don't incur any household expenses / bills, all things equal they are in the same situation or doing better than some of us. We have rent / mortgage, car payments, utilities, food, petrol, student loans and the cost of living is much higher, a bottle of water from a vending machine is $1.25 to $1.50. So unless the US citizen is well off (upper middle class) he or she financially feels this journey.

I have to say that I was concerned about my SO, but not about stuff like for food so I can't relate to that. So maybe this might sound kind of cruel. Though we love them their problems are kind of just there problems. We scour VJ and other web-sites to make sure that we have the immigration paperwork in order (my SO admits that "he did not have any idea how much work I had to do to get him here until he was here and saw all the documents I have), and the cost of the trips not just the airfare, (but we all know that whatever you don't claim as your favorite items, something that you can't bear to give away, by the time you leave your luggage is bare / practically empty) clothing and toiletries so every trip you have to purchase everything.

The shopping is where my problem began. I would go shopping and have a luggage full of clothes, shoes, cologne, shower accessories and just general stuff for my SO (you know you can’t wear the same thing twice when you travel especially clubbing). He got so used to receiving his wardrobe 5 pair of pants, 10 shirts, 3 pair of shoes and accessories etc, that he started giving stuff away to his friends. When I would return and ask him "hey where are those brown shoes" his butt would say “I gave them away to so and so” they needed them more than me I already have 2 pair brown shoes. By my fourth trip he received 1 pair of jeans, 1 shirt and some flip flops. When he would question me about his small amount of gifts or look sad when he realized that was it. I had to let him know I was not spending my hard earned money for so and so to dress, look and or smell nice. I decided he was dressing nice when I met him, and he will have to maintain it himself. Without as he called them his "U S fashions".

We will all face some issues regarding finances either there or here; you have to realize where you draw the line. But most importantly they are men and if they can survive and maintain whatever standard of life they are accustomed to, before we met them, they must continue until we can share each other fate in the same environment / household. The US citizen is not the jackpot to a waterfall of cash, unless we allow ourselves to be that.

All we are offering is an opportunity to share are lives together in the US. Period!!!

You have to come up with your own way to balance your relationship, but whatever methods you employ stand fast to them and don’t waiver. GOOD LUCK

[Marlita 0]

Anyway, his "buddies" are filling his head with insane idea's that I must have married him to get "some". Many women actually come their to get a man to have relations with. I told him that I wasn't rich at all and and doing my level best to even get him here. (barely making ends meet for myself).

Hmmm

I truly felt a pain in my heart when I read your post earlier today and really had to think about which item stood out in my mind.

I won't restate what everyone else has already said about the money and the pressure to send money because I feel all was well said. However, women going there for a**. I wanted to vomit the first time I heard a group of men sitting around a bar talking about women coming from overseas to pick up their guys for sex. I wanted to kick scream and slap the others into reality until I actually saw it happening in my hotel. There were European men picking up women and European women picking up local men. Some of the same men who were on my flight from Paris would be out every night with a different girl and sometimes more than one at a time. My husband's family told me that this happens all the time in Africa and it is nothing new and it has happened for years. I believe your husband is being fed this #######, but if he really loves you and sees you as his wife, he should not even entertain that thought or even mention it to you for any reason at all.

Here is a link to a story by MSNBC about this very subject. This is very sad.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21976983/

Its called Sex Tourism....and it happens ALL the time, in many developing worlds. Just google search the term and you'll see.

[mbarido 0]

I feel for you. I am engaged to a Chinese woman who like the whole world thought Americans are all rich. We make a lot of money, but we have to spend a lot of money so we are really not better off than the rest of the world.

I was lucky that my fiancee learned English very, very quickly. This feat allowed me to explain my budget in great detail. It helped that we have computers (I bought hers so we could talk) and talk every day on SKYPE. I could show her fruit and vegetables and tell her how much I paid. She would tell me what she paid for the same fruit. We talked about any money things, but she never asked for money until.....

Eventually, she came to understand that I am not rich, but comfortable. I have made 2 trips - one in July one in November, and a planned one February. Having enough money to travel from Houston, TX to Shenyang, China does send a message that I have some money, but it took a while for her to understand that the love and separation is what is driving me to show up on her doorstep every 2-3 months.

I wanted her to learn English as quickly as possible. I pay $300 (RMB 2000) a month for her to go to school with a professor from London England so she has correct pronunciation. (London English, not Houston English - that is where talking to me on the computer (free) gives her much practice talking like me). She had to stop working full time 5 out of 6 days. She was already paying for her sons school and had very little money. She has lived with 3 sisters and her mother since her divorce in 2000 because an apartment is $50 a month, but she only has $125 a month to spend. Imagine living on so little. It was at that point that she told me she really liked the idea of English school but she could not unless I helped. I agreed because I am the one to suggest the schooling while waiting for the visa paperwork to move excruciatingly slow. Another story for another time. I do supplement her income more than she had before, but her living standard was so low....

Bottomline: Getting her involved with my expenses and constantly talking for her about the cost of everything she understood and things that only we Americans deal with finally get the message to her that I am spending as much as I can to help her until she gets here. My suggestion is open, blunt and naked truth about your expenses, especially since you are married. With friends like his, you do not need enemies. My fiancee has friends at the hospital that do not understand why it is taking so long for her to get her visa - that took many times explaining that her friends daughters went to America before 9/11 and Homeland Security - it is a different world out there.

Lay it all on the line - you will know the right thing to do after discussions. Hope I made sense and hope this message helps.

[chispas 0]

I had the issue like We_Destiny with my husband giving away things. When he arrived in the US he came with his bare hands and nothing else. He said he gave away the things I had bought him because he knew he could get more here. That was a shock to me, but now I realize that although I told him how tough things were in the US, I was not showing it by the number of gifts and items I had bought for him. I was the one who wanted to buy him nice things and I set the bar too high for me to keep up with. Coming here I put his name on all my financial matters prematurely and he made quite a few financial mistakes before I could catch my breath. I am literally paying the price for that now.

We learn and live.

Edited January 21, 2008 by chispas

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

My SO is the youngest so his siblings are usually asking us if we are okay, and the few that might want something never ask they only hint about "how the hoidays would be sweeter if they had so and so amount everyone in the village would be happy"

Our constant request come from his friends. My SO has two phones here 1: for his friends in Nigeria to call (flash) him, and 2: the one he uses mostly for people in the states. Reason being is All night every night they call (flash) waking us up. How horrible is it for someone to know your sleep with your wife and call 5 times in 2 minutes, and when you finally pick the phone, first they want you to call them right back (don't want to use there credit up), second they have some crazy story requesting money. Example: My So's mechanic was going to the village for "the X-Mas" and usually my SO sponsors alot of the drinking and eating for his friends in the village during the holidays. Well, this year he was not there he is in US. His mechanic called like 6 times in the course of 2 minutes, and he said that " since my SO usually sponsors the party and he is not there, he should send $500 dollars for them to drink, eat, and celebrate the way they are used to, he said that their fun shoud not stop because he is not around"

What tha [ v ( l<

The craziest thing is that he had only been here for 2 weeks when the first request for money started.

they gave him a whole 2 weeks to adjust

I know you're serious, but my breath caught when I read that. Tell me....how does your husband handle that? It's hard because you don't want to lose people who are friends just because they don't know the reality of life here, but you also want to get them to give it a rest. How does he handle it? Is it painful for him?

[We_Destiny 1]

I know you're serious, but my breath caught when I read that. Tell me....how does your husband handle that? It's hard because you don't want to lose people who are friends just because they don't know the reality of life here, but you also want to get them to give it a rest. How does he handle it? Is it painful for him?

Bassi and Zainab

He does what he can, like a friend of his needed money to get from South Africa to Nigeria for his mother’s funeral. My SO sent him a few hundred dollars (they had been through some situations in the past, and he felt it was the right thing to do). But the friend had promised to call and let him speak to some members of the family (he never did) until 7 weeks after the funeral and he was broke. Lesson learned.!!

I think his friends thinking I am rich could partly be my fault. I am shop-aholic and have a shoe fetish when I travel almost everything will be new, when they see me there for 3 weeks wearing a different pair of shoes and outfit everyday, they get the wrong idea. The ones that he is close to I even bring them stuff, but I shop for them on the clearance rack Old Navy tee-shirt (off season $3.00) Wall Mart has shower gel for $1.00 I spend like 20-30 dollars, because of this they think I'm rich.

This is what I did. When I went for his interview I purchased a T-Mobile pay and go SIM card activated it and put some additional airtime on it. T-Mobile can be used in Nigeria. So as we would see his friends I would remind him to give his US number (they all liked the idea of that, so he gave it out), he was even able to flash the number to them it was a hit. My motive first I wanted him to be able to call me when he arrived in New York just in case of any issue. Second I knew when he reached home, he would not use the pay and go number, but I would add him to my account with another number. He still praises me for doing that; his friends can flash the phone all night because it is on silent, every 4 weeks he buys a $10.00 card to keep it active. Only his immediate family has the house number and his real cell number. He uses phone cards to call his friends so no chance of them getting the number that way.

I would recommend everyone try this method.

Our only problem is when he forgets to put his phone on silent

He says that he does not owe any of them anything, and he will help as he can or as he sees fit when he can. But it is just idiotic that people would think that in 2 weeks, 2 months or even 2 years that you are in a position to take care of their needs. He talks to those close often, and like most of us did and do with the purchase of phone cards, he buys a few a week and tell people that he is spending a lot to keep in touch with them and most are happy with that.

But, when we find stuff on sale we have a box that we put gifts for Nigeria in, and we will let them accumulate so when we go back will have gifts for everyone.

Sorry did not realize would type so much

[*JG* 2]

I am in need of some advice. And it is a doozy.

My hubby is from Gambia and naturally thinks that I am rich. I have been able to travel their several times off of Buddy Passes given to me. Only pay $300-400 (taxes) for a roundtrip trip ticket. Couldn't afford to go otherwise.

Basically, I am not rich and live almost check to check when I don't watch it.

So, my so seems to get upset and thinks I don't love him because I can't send money. He truly believes that I am playing games and hoarding money when he is barely eating. Mind you the U.S. dollar gets about $21 of theirs, so whenever I would come, naturally I have a little extra just because of the exchange rate. Heck even going with $500 will net you a pretty sack of change in the exchange department.

Anyway, his "buddies" are filling his head with insane idea's that I must have married him to get "some". Many women actually come their to get a man to have relations with. I told him that I wasn't rich at all and and doing my level best to even get him here. (barely making ends meet for myself). Then I told him to look at my picture we took together again and think if I REALLY NEEDED to go to another country for a guy. He QUICKLY shut up and said yeah well.... (mumbling incoherent jargon). (hahaha. Need I say more.)

I am at a lost and sad from this whole situation. It doesn't help that I can call him (cheap phone cards) and he associates that (my ability to call regularly) with having loads of money. (even says "if you can call 3 times a day everyday, you must be rich.)

I am almost ready to stop the petition and wait until his head is on straight. lol

Any idea's?

I don't want to come off as mean; but every time I've seen and heard this kind of thing.....and I mean in nearly the EXACT same wording, it has been bad news. He does not understand US finances in any way, shape, or form, and may never. His family and friends will continue these games even after he leaves. It has been a horribly slow process to get my husband to get it. Luckily, my husband wanted to get it. I've read stories of many who do not every attempt to understand. They try to extort money from you now with stories and later, it continues.

I strongly caution you to talk this out with your husband until it meets your satisfaction.

[peezey 0]

So if he says you married him to get some, does that mean he thinks there are no men in the US?

RUN, DON'T WALK away from this man.

[His Glory 25]

So if he says you married him to get some, does that mean he thinks there are no men in the US?

RUN, DON'T WALK away from this man.

This is her husband not a boyfriend. There is a slight more commitment made here. If they both love each other and are wholly commited to making this marriage work then talking it out is the answer. If they are religous minded then having spiritual counseling might help or just plain marriage counseling. When you own a home just dont up and move out when the roof starts leaking.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I know you're serious, but my breath caught when I read that. Tell me....how does your husband handle that? It's hard because you don't want to lose people who are friends just because they don't know the reality of life here, but you also want to get them to give it a rest. How does he handle it? Is it painful for him?

Bassi and Zainab

He does what he can, like a friend of his needed money to get from South Africa to Nigeria for his mother’s funeral. My SO sent him a few hundred dollars (they had been through some situations in the past, and he felt it was the right thing to do). But the friend had promised to call and let him speak to some members of the family (he never did) until 7 weeks after the funeral and he was broke. Lesson learned.!!

I think his friends thinking I am rich could partly be my fault. I am shop-aholic and have a shoe fetish when I travel almost everything will be new, when they see me there for 3 weeks wearing a different pair of shoes and outfit everyday, they get the wrong idea. The ones that he is close to I even bring them stuff, but I shop for them on the clearance rack Old Navy tee-shirt (off season $3.00) Wall Mart has shower gel for $1.00 I spend like 20-30 dollars, because of this they think I'm rich.

This is what I did. When I went for his interview I purchased a T-Mobile pay and go SIM card activated it and put some additional airtime on it. T-Mobile can be used in Nigeria. So as we would see his friends I would remind him to give his US number (they all liked the idea of that, so he gave it out), he was even able to flash the number to them it was a hit. My motive first I wanted him to be able to call me when he arrived in New York just in case of any issue. Second I knew when he reached home, he would not use the pay and go number, but I would add him to my account with another number. He still praises me for doing that; his friends can flash the phone all night because it is on silent, every 4 weeks he buys a $10.00 card to keep it active. Only his immediate family has the house number and his real cell number. He uses phone cards to call his friends so no chance of them getting the number that way.

I would recommend everyone try this method.

Our only problem is when he forgets to put his phone on silent

He says that he does not owe any of them anything, and he will help as he can or as he sees fit when he can. But it is just idiotic that people would think that in 2 weeks, 2 months or even 2 years that you are in a position to take care of their needs. He talks to those close often, and like most of us did and do with the purchase of phone cards, he buys a few a week and tell people that he is spending a lot to keep in touch with them and most are happy with that.

But, when we find stuff on sale we have a box that we put gifts for Nigeria in, and we will let them accumulate so when we go back will have gifts for everyone.

Sorry did not realize would type so much

Thanks. A lot of great information.

[panamania79 2]

thanks.

Anyone still have any info about the folks thinking we're rich?

I have an idea,make photocopy of your monthly bills and send them to him.And say,"This is what I have to pay,buddy."

[His Glory 25]

thanks.

Anyone still have any info about the folks thinking we're rich?

I have an idea,make photocopy of your monthly bills and send them to him.And say,"This is what I have to pay,buddy."

Good one panamania.

thanks.

Anyone still have any info about the folks thinking we're rich?

I have an idea,make photocopy of your monthly bills and send them to him.And say,"This is what I have to pay,buddy."

Good one panamania.

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

Hey everyone.

Well, here is an update.

I will start from the beginning. This is LONG....lol

I met my SO in 2004 because I was there looking for my 2 kidnapped boys (ages 5 & 6 at the time).

My previous husband (who is also Gambian but a different tribe) had gotten himself deported (he was already out of status) and had taken the kids by way of asking could they "visit" since he couldn't come back. I had never known him to lie before so I let them go for 30 days to see family then come back. During that time I kept in touch by phone and everything was going well. After two weeks the phone was cut. This happened after I informed my then husband that I wasn't going to live in Gambia because the u.s is my home. (He had asked me to come also though we had been separated since 1999 & legally since 2000). (due to my not knowing the african culture and his particular tribe at that time and how they work 24/7. I am african-american by the way and I met him here in the U.S.).

Anyway, when I realized that my kids weren't coming back (after the phone was cut), I cashed in an annuity I had and hopped the plane to Gambia. (Didn't know ANYONE there).

Where I had gotten a room (in a nice compound owned by a british couple) is where I met my present husband. He lived next door with his extended family.

Everyone knew why I was there and did there best to comfort me. Also my present husband was very accommodating and the perfect gentleman (still is except for his occasional lapse in the mouth department, haha).

Anyway, I located my kids (got to see them for 10 minutes out of the whole 2 week trip) at the compound that my ex grew up in (couldn't take them back due to being surrounded by the whole village and them explaining that my kids couldn't go because they are the only boy children of my ex and he is the oldest male child to support the family. Like I cared! Gimme my kids. lol).

When I went back to the U.S. , I enlisted the FBI's help and NCMEC, also the police. I got them registered as kidnapped children, got their passports flagged and god knows what else. (I was in a rush to call everyone under the sun and notify any agency who would listen).

Then, I decided to go back in Dec.2006 to Gambia. I saw my present hubby again and fell in love. It wasn't the kind of love I could conceive of. You see, I came their with not much money, so when we realized that we still had feelings for each other from 2 years before, we married right away to avoid premarital relations (we are both muslims and I was muslim before I met him and my ex husband anyway).

Since I didn't have much money, he paid for me to get a driver and car to try and go to see my kids again at their compound (which is in the rural area -upcountry- of Gambia). It cost him 6000 Dalasis to get the car and driver and another 2000 for incidentals. So 8000 dalasis. Mind you, he had worked for 3 years to save that money, is poor and his rent at his home where he now lives is only 700 dalasis for a month and he basically needs about 1500 dalasis to live comfortably each month. (the exchange rate is $21 for our $1).

Anyway, we didn't even get to see my kids that time and I was totally distraught and crying my head off in the car on the way back to town (a 6 hour ride). The whole time he held my head in his lap and told me to sleep to avoid the pain. He kept smiling and showing me the road as we drove back. (I knew it was a ruse to keep my mind off of what had just happened. He explained that tribes are different and that my ex's tribe is uneducated, only keep to themselves and believe in male children going abroad when older to start the cycle of providing for the ones left behind. He thought that if I didn't get them now, that my kids would eventually come looking for me when they were old enough to think for themselves.

Anyway, he became SUPER attentive to the point of cooking for me, back rubs, carrying me over mudpuddles, even scratching me in my sleep when the mosquito's were trying to carry me away in their "band of brothers". I couldn't sleep from having to wake up every 30 seconds to scratch a mosquito bite. hahaha.

Anyway, we shared more than the average couple would share in a lifetime because of the fiasco surrounding the kidnapping. I assume we are no longer in the just married, non personal mine is mine-yours is yours-stage.

So now, he has become sort of different in the sense that he is more aggressive and not as low-key as before. Whereas before he was playful and would say "I am a poor bush boy. help me out". (in a joking way). Now he get's upset because I can't send anything. Though he doesn't verbalize his anger directly at me,..he says "you have lived here and know exactly the situation, why not share?". Since I don't have it, it comes off to him as if I don't want to give. I know for a fact that he would provide for me when he is here in the U.S., however, I can't do for him right now and this is upsetting for him since he thinks I'm just being selfish and that I am keeping up my guard due to the situation. Not true.

So, in a nutshell, I know that he is not simply seeking a green card or money frivolously.

Has anyone here ever found a happy medium in this department? And yes, I have spoken with him about the money difference several times but I know in the back of his mind, he really believes I am rich.

As for leaving him,...nah, that isn't an option. I was thinking about stopping the petition because if we had issues about money now, they would get enhanced living in "Money Pit USA".

Bring on the comments. Lol.

The fact he used his money on you means NOTHING....he could very well have made an 'investment', which he's now slightly disgruntled isn't paying the dividends he expected.....

I find it quite odd that he feels he has the right to EXPECT money, for me it stinks of indignation - ie 'I s[ent my money on you, how dare you not help me'....

Quite frankly, I think you're making a HUGE mistake, but at the end of the day, only you can decide.

I notice you have asked for advice, yet seem to defend your decision at every turn.

I feel you are looking for us to soothe the niggling voice that's telling you not to do it.

Seems that you want us to tell you to go ahead, to marry him.

Unfortunately, I just don't think that's a good idea.

My heart truly aches for you at the loss of your kids. I cannot imagine where you got the strength to go on, you have been through every mother's worst nightmare

I hope one day you get them back and I hope your ex rots in hell