Husband and family think I am RICH! Hellllpppp

[surrender 0]

I am in need of some advice. And it is a doozy.

My hubby is from Gambia and naturally thinks that I am rich. I have been able to travel their several times off of Buddy Passes given to me. Only pay $300-400 (taxes) for a roundtrip trip ticket. Couldn't afford to go otherwise.

Basically, I am not rich and live almost check to check when I don't watch it.

So, my so seems to get upset and thinks I don't love him because I can't send money. He truly believes that I am playing games and hoarding money when he is barely eating. Mind you the U.S. dollar gets about $21 of theirs, so whenever I would come, naturally I have a little extra just because of the exchange rate. Heck even going with $500 will net you a pretty sack of change in the exchange department.

Anyway, his "buddies" are filling his head with insane idea's that I must have married him to get "some". Many women actually come their to get a man to have relations with. I told him that I wasn't rich at all and and doing my level best to even get him here. (barely making ends meet for myself). Then I told him to look at my picture we took together again and think if I REALLY NEEDED to go to another country for a guy. He QUICKLY shut up and said yeah well.... (mumbling incoherent jargon). (hahaha. Need I say more.)

I am at a lost and sad from this whole situation. It doesn't help that I can call him (cheap phone cards) and he associates that (my ability to call regularly) with having loads of money. (even says "if you can call 3 times a day everyday, you must be rich.)

I am almost ready to stop the petition and wait until his head is on straight. lol

Any idea's?

waht does he need money for? food?

how did he eat before he met you?

suddenly he needs your money to eat?

humph! he's using you - move on

[forchika 4]

Hmmm

I truly felt a pain in my heart when I read your post earlier today and really had to think about which item stood out in my mind.

I won't restate what everyone else has already said about the money and the pressure to send money because I feel all was well said. However, women going there for a**. I wanted to vomit the first time I heard a group of men sitting around a bar talking about women coming from overseas to pick up their guys for sex. I wanted to kick scream and slap the others into reality until I actually saw it happening in my hotel. There were European men picking up women and European women picking up local men. Some of the same men who were on my flight from Paris would be out every night with a different girl and sometimes more than one at a time. My husband's family told me that this happens all the time in Africa and it is nothing new and it has happened for years. I believe your husband is being fed this #######, but if he really loves you and sees you as his wife, he should not even entertain that thought or even mention it to you for any reason at all.

Here is a link to a story by MSNBC about this very subject. This is very sad.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21976983/

Chispas I would not have really believed that if you had not posted that article"that's like playing Russian Roulette with your life.

[BESANGIN 0]

My Sister do not dig yourself in a hole where you stand to lose everything financially and mentally. Now pressuring you for money is pretty much a surface issue. You tell his A$$ NO and man up like MY intellectual twin UNO so eloquently stated!!! Well as far as I'm concerned his A$$ ain't dead yet from his food and drink choices that he made before landing a RICH AmeRican wife, and if he is sickly from how he has survived before you then is his A$$ even going to pass the medical anyway? I am sure he is fine. He was able to lay the pipe to show you he was physically capable and worthy of you then now he needs to show you that he is the man who can handle his business in every other aspect of his life. There is a deeper and more destructive issue surfacing on how this man is thinking. It reeks of immaturity, selfishness, and vulnerability in the sense that his friends have more credibility than his wife. That mentallity is not going to magically alter when when he hits US soil. It get's worse when he discovers how American's morality meters are broken, and everything is permissible here! This issues get greater when you are faced with a drastic change to what you are used to and you will deal with that in the way you have known all your life. So what he is doing now WILL intensify, you can say HELLO DRAMA, and I will be bold enough to say I guarantee it! I was at this point before and I chose the road that I thought was easy and it turned out to be PURE HELL. I told myself that everything would be ok when he got home! What a coward I was. if I had someone here who spoke boldly about making a mistake with their relationship, I think I would have been more likely to end my quest for his petition. Since I felt like I was the only one suffering the shame and humiliation of a marriage of convenience, I did not nothing when the red flags were EVERYWHERE because I didn't want anyone to know how STUPID I was! But Sister, I am going to speak honestly to you and to your heart. There is no way in the world you can not be having doubts because you would not have posted if you can live with this. Believe me you need to think long and hard and you include your family who know and love you and you make a decision that is in your best interest. Don't be scared to share with your family because you know they are going to say don't do it. Sometimes the hardest things we have to do turn out to be the best and easiest in the long run. My prayers for you that everything works out well for you. But THE ME WHO IS NOT BLINDED BY LOVE WILL SAY...

DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT!!!!!

Edited January 20, 2008 by BESANGIN

[We_Destiny 1]

My Sister do not dig yourself in a hole where you stand to lose everything financially and mentally. Now pressuring you for money is pretty much a surface issue. You tell his A$$ NO and man up like MY intellectual twin UNO so eloquently stated!!! Well as far as I'm concerned his A$$ ain't dead yet from his food and drink choices that he made before landing a RICH AmeRican wife, and if he is sickly from how he has survived before you then is his A$$ even going to pass the medical anyway? I am sure he is fine. He was able to lay the pipe to show you he was physically capable and worthy of you then now he needs to show you that he is the man who can handle his business in every other aspect of his life. There is a deeper and more destructive issue surfacing on how this man is thinking. It reeks of immaturity, selfishness, and vulnerability in the sense that his friends have more credibility than his wife. That mentallity is not going to magically alter when when he hits US soil. It get's worse when he discovers how American's morality meters are broken, and everything is permissible here! This issues get greater when you are faced with a drastic change to what you are used to and you will deal with that in the way you have known all your life. So what he is doing now WILL intensify, you can say HELLO DRAMA, and I will be bold enough to say I guarantee it! I was at this point before and I chose the road that I thought was easy and it turned out to be PURE HELL. I told myself that everything would be ok when he got home! What a coward I was. if I had someone here who spoke boldly about making a mistake with their relationship, I think I would have been more likely to end my quest for his petition. Since I felt like I was the only one suffering the shame and humiliation of a marriage of convenience, I did not nothing when the red flags were EVERYWHERE because I didn't want anyone to know how STUPID I was! But Sister, I am going to speak honestly to you and to your heart. There is no way in the world you can not be having doubts because you would not have posted if you can live with this. Believe me you need to think long and hard and you include your family who know and love you and you make a decision that is in your best interest. Don't be scared to share with your family because you know they are going to say don't do it. Sometimes the hardest things we have to do turn out to be the best and easiest in the long run. My prayers for you that everything works out well for you. But THE ME WHO IS NOT BLINDED BY LOVE WILL SAY...

DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT!!!!!

Besangin - Your words are usually well said and always humorous. However, this post addressing the inequities and insecurties this relationship is facing was very eloquent.

[panamania79 2]

I am in need of some advice. And it is a doozy.

My hubby is from Gambia and naturally thinks that I am rich. I have been able to travel their several times off of Buddy Passes given to me. Only pay $300-400 (taxes) for a roundtrip trip ticket. Couldn't afford to go otherwise.

Basically, I am not rich and live almost check to check when I don't watch it.

So, my so seems to get upset and thinks I don't love him because I can't send money. He truly believes that I am playing games and hoarding money when he is barely eating. Mind you the U.S. dollar gets about $21 of theirs, so whenever I would come, naturally I have a little extra just because of the exchange rate. Heck even going with $500 will net you a pretty sack of change in the exchange department.

Anyway, his "buddies" are filling his head with insane idea's that I must have married him to get "some". Many women actually come their to get a man to have relations with. I told him that I wasn't rich at all and and doing my level best to even get him here. (barely making ends meet for myself). Then I told him to look at my picture we took together again and think if I REALLY NEEDED to go to another country for a guy. He QUICKLY shut up and said yeah well.... (mumbling incoherent jargon). (hahaha. Need I say more.)

I am at a lost and sad from this whole situation. It doesn't help that I can call him (cheap phone cards) and he associates that (my ability to call regularly) with having loads of money. (even says "if you can call 3 times a day everyday, you must be rich.)

I am almost ready to stop the petition and wait until his head is on straight. lol

Any idea's?

Unfortunately,there is little you can do until he comes to the USA and sees how things are for himself.Mostly everybody in Panama (esp.my SO and his family)think that each of us have a 20 bill tree in our back yards.You should just call him once a day and jsut tell him that you have expenses of your own and that you cannot afford to send him money.He survived just fine before he met you,right ? And that nonsense about "getting some," tell him you could have gotten some here or anywhere,you didin't have to go all the way over there for it.If he really loves you he will understand.His friends are just envious of your relationship.Many compare when somebody is involved with an American citizen to hitting the "powerball jackpot" and that's just not realistic.

[BESANGIN 0]

I admit that I was a DUMB A$$ for marrying a man I didn't know. I tell my story and I admit my faults because I want others who do find themselves in similar situations to take heart and know that they can stop it before it goes too far and that they will survive and find love again!! Right now I am enjoying pushing my reject button and watching the losers fall when they realize that their game is WHACK!!!!! Anyway, I was in the money trick bag too. It made me uncomfortable as hell. I remember it like yesterday when he tested me to see if I would send him money. Of course I had nothing to go on to know if this was normal or if my A$$ was in the beginning of a scam. His test was this.... He was sounding down and worried on the phone, I asked him what was going on. At first he kept say It's nothing, don't you worry about me. So I be like cool, until the silences from him get longer, and I say you need to tell me what is going on. " Nothing, Jaree. I just don't know how I will eat and how my mom will eat." What do you mean? Don't you work? You told me you have a regular job. This is _____ country. We don't get paid all the time, and I was just told I will not get paid this week, and I don't know what I will do. I'm sooo hungry, and mom will be expecting me to buy food. I was like what are you going to do? Can you send me? Send you what? Just some money to hold me until I get my salary. I told him I didn't have any money, and he laid the guilt trip on me. Forget it! I will find some bread. Don't worry about me. I thought you trust me. What my DUMB A$$ do? Went right to Western Union and wired his A$$ money that I would have used to feed myself! Now the new improved, smarter, hard as nails woman you see before you would have told his UNPAID TAIL to take his hungry A$$ out there and sell some sausage rolls and LaCasera on the street like any other hardworking man needing to feed him family!!! But I enabled his A$$ to be a spoiled brat from day one, and that is what I got when he came home. SO ALL men in my book foreign or domestic... MAN YO' A$$ UP IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH BESANGIN!!!! I bring a bundle of treats to the table and so should you; from the financial to the emotional and spiritual!!!

Edited January 20, 2008 by BESANGIN

[Leedah 22]

Hey everyone.

Well, here is an update.

I will start from the beginning. This is LONG....lol

I met my SO in 2004 because I was there looking for my 2 kidnapped boys (ages 5 & 6 at the time).

My previous husband (who is also Gambian but a different tribe) had gotten himself deported (he was already out of status) and had taken the kids by way of asking could they "visit" since he couldn't come back. I had never known him to lie before so I let them go for 30 days to see family then come back. During that time I kept in touch by phone and everything was going well. After two weeks the phone was cut. This happened after I informed my then husband that I wasn't going to live in Gambia because the u.s is my home. (He had asked me to come also though we had been separated since 1999 & legally since 2000). (due to my not knowing the african culture and his particular tribe at that time and how they work 24/7. I am african-american by the way and I met him here in the U.S.).

Anyway, when I realized that my kids weren't coming back (after the phone was cut), I cashed in an annuity I had and hopped the plane to Gambia. (Didn't know ANYONE there).

Where I had gotten a room (in a nice compound owned by a british couple) is where I met my present husband. He lived next door with his extended family.

Everyone knew why I was there and did there best to comfort me. Also my present husband was very accommodating and the perfect gentleman (still is except for his occasional lapse in the mouth department, haha).

Anyway, I located my kids (got to see them for 10 minutes out of the whole 2 week trip) at the compound that my ex grew up in (couldn't take them back due to being surrounded by the whole village and them explaining that my kids couldn't go because they are the only boy children of my ex and he is the oldest male child to support the family. Like I cared! Gimme my kids. lol).

When I went back to the U.S. , I enlisted the FBI's help and NCMEC, also the police. I got them registered as kidnapped children, got their passports flagged and god knows what else. (I was in a rush to call everyone under the sun and notify any agency who would listen).

Then, I decided to go back in Dec.2006 to Gambia. I saw my present hubby again and fell in love. It wasn't the kind of love I could conceive of. You see, I came their with not much money, so when we realized that we still had feelings for each other from 2 years before, we married right away to avoid premarital relations (we are both muslims and I was muslim before I met him and my ex husband anyway).

Since I didn't have much money, he paid for me to get a driver and car to try and go to see my kids again at their compound (which is in the rural area -upcountry- of Gambia). It cost him 6000 Dalasis to get the car and driver and another 2000 for incidentals. So 8000 dalasis. Mind you, he had worked for 3 years to save that money, is poor and his rent at his home where he now lives is only 700 dalasis for a month and he basically needs about 1500 dalasis to live comfortably each month. (the exchange rate is $21 for our $1).

Anyway, we didn't even get to see my kids that time and I was totally distraught and crying my head off in the car on the way back to town (a 6 hour ride). The whole time he held my head in his lap and told me to sleep to avoid the pain. He kept smiling and showing me the road as we drove back. (I knew it was a ruse to keep my mind off of what had just happened. He explained that tribes are different and that my ex's tribe is uneducated, only keep to themselves and believe in male children going abroad when older to start the cycle of providing for the ones left behind. He thought that if I didn't get them now, that my kids would eventually come looking for me when they were old enough to think for themselves.

Anyway, he became SUPER attentive to the point of cooking for me, back rubs, carrying me over mudpuddles, even scratching me in my sleep when the mosquito's were trying to carry me away in their "band of brothers". I couldn't sleep from having to wake up every 30 seconds to scratch a mosquito bite. hahaha.

Anyway, we shared more than the average couple would share in a lifetime because of the fiasco surrounding the kidnapping. I assume we are no longer in the just married, non personal mine is mine-yours is yours-stage.

So now, he has become sort of different in the sense that he is more aggressive and not as low-key as before. Whereas before he was playful and would say "I am a poor bush boy. help me out". (in a joking way). Now he get's upset because I can't send anything. Though he doesn't verbalize his anger directly at me,..he says "you have lived here and know exactly the situation, why not share?". Since I don't have it, it comes off to him as if I don't want to give. I know for a fact that he would provide for me when he is here in the U.S., however, I can't do for him right now and this is upsetting for him since he thinks I'm just being selfish and that I am keeping up my guard due to the situation. Not true.

So, in a nutshell, I know that he is not simply seeking a green card or money frivolously.

Has anyone here ever found a happy medium in this department? And yes, I have spoken with him about the money difference several times but I know in the back of his mind, he really believes I am rich.

As for leaving him,...nah, that isn't an option. I was thinking about stopping the petition because if we had issues about money now, they would get enhanced living in "Money Pit USA".

Bring on the comments. Lol.

[BESANGIN 0]

Leedah,

Have you gotten your children back? I pray so. I cannot imagine having that heartache. Its hard for me even not having my own children let alone having them snatched away from you. All my prayers my sister!!!!

[Leedah 22]

no, though i know they are now in Togo.

Strange thing is, I can call my ex and ask to speak to them (or what i think is them) and he will put them on the phone. anytime. so, it is a VERY strange kidnapping. He knows i don't have the funds to do a Rambo Rescue Mission, so he is content to sit back and act like nothing happened. They were kidnapped before I got divorced from him (we had joint custody) and no judge will issue a sole custody decree because they say they have no jurisdiction at this time. This is what is holding the agencies back. No one wants to step on other governments toes.

[SupportOAFJF 0]

Wow, this is such a sad story..I don't know how u make i thru..cause I know I couldn't. U seem content except that ur now husband wants money...wouldn't u htink that he would seee u need all themoney u can get to try and get ur boys back..?

[BESANGIN 0]

WOW!!! Bless your heart. You are a STRONG woman to be able share this and keep your wits about you. I would be crazy! They are not my children and I am sitting here thinking let's strike up the calvary and go there WHOP HIS A$$ and get your kids, but I know that is easier said than done.

Edited January 20, 2008 by BESANGIN

[We_Destiny 1]

I am so sorry to hear of this dreadful situation with your children. May GOD continue to give you strength.

[Leedah 22]

thanks.

Anyone still have any info about the folks thinking we're rich?

[SupportOAFJF 0]

thanks.

Anyone still have any info about the folks thinking we're rich?

Huh... That's something you have to fix...no one here can tell u what to do..espeically it is cultural...

[Leedah 22]

not looking for someone to tell me what to do. was looking for other experiences of others. somehow, this topic started focusing on something totally different. hmmm...