Husband and family think I am RICH! Hellllpppp

[Leedah 22]

I am in need of some advice. And it is a doozy.

My hubby is from Gambia and naturally thinks that I am rich. I have been able to travel their several times off of Buddy Passes given to me. Only pay $300-400 (taxes) for a roundtrip trip ticket. Couldn't afford to go otherwise.

Basically, I am not rich and live almost check to check when I don't watch it.

So, my so seems to get upset and thinks I don't love him because I can't send money. He truly believes that I am playing games and hoarding money when he is barely eating. Mind you the U.S. dollar gets about $21 of theirs, so whenever I would come, naturally I have a little extra just because of the exchange rate. Heck even going with $500 will net you a pretty sack of change in the exchange department.

Anyway, his "buddies" are filling his head with insane idea's that I must have married him to get "some". Many women actually come their to get a man to have relations with. I told him that I wasn't rich at all and and doing my level best to even get him here. (barely making ends meet for myself). Then I told him to look at my picture we took together again and think if I REALLY NEEDED to go to another country for a guy. He QUICKLY shut up and said yeah well.... (mumbling incoherent jargon). (hahaha. Need I say more.)

I am at a lost and sad from this whole situation. It doesn't help that I can call him (cheap phone cards) and he associates that (my ability to call regularly) with having loads of money. (even says "if you can call 3 times a day everyday, you must be rich.)

I am almost ready to stop the petition and wait until his head is on straight. lol

Any idea's?

Edited January 19, 2008 by Leedah

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I'm sorry that you are facing this. I don't really know of a solution and haven't actually faced anything like this myself. The only thing I can think is to have a serious, straight conversation with him about it. I see that you are a K3 so this is actually your husband you're talking about, so it's not like walking away is an option. You really need to have a hard conversation about how it makes you feel, about what you're thinking about regarding stopping the petition and about the effects of letting other people into your relationship. (his friends) I hope that you can have a good strong conversation. Time apart to think seriously about it. And find solutions and compromises together. It's a hard road to travel and even harder to deal with serious issues in your marraige when you are so far apart. I wish you luck and pray you find compromise.

[forchika 4]

Leedah,

I think that he will only know and understand that until he gets here and experience life here the AMERICAN WAY!!!!! I know my hubby cannot believe all the additional expenses that we have to pay for. He says we have to pay monthly for everything as apposed to paying cash and owning things out rightly(how else in the world could we afford anything). You were blessed to be able to fly to Gambia for $300-$400 round trip. I think it has been said on a regular that they think we have streets paved of gold or that we have money trees in our back yards . One thing I would do on a regular was to tell my hubby what bills I had and how much they were and how often they had to be paid. You can never find a shortage of things to do with money if you have any of the following: kids, own a car or a home. I won't address that other thing.......you could get that here in America, if it was just all about that.

[Kanyiri 0]

There are so many things that come to mind when I read this. It makes me very sad when this happens. First of all it is very common that African SO's assume that you have money just because you are from the US. No matter how much you try to convince them otherwise, unless they have lived here and seen first hand how things are, it is next to impossible to convince them. I always told my husband that I was barely making ends meet and even though he said he believed me, I'm not sure he really did until he got here. What we did have working for us was that he trusted me and that I would not lie to him and just refuse to send money if I could.

If your husband doesn't trust you then you are going to have a difficult road to travel. Friends' influence is hard to overcome, but he kinda has to in your situation or it is going to lead to the downfall of your relationship.

I do believe in marriage, and if you are married to him then you need to work on things, but then this money thing is troubling. My husband felt ashamed that he had to rely on me for money. Throughout Africa this is a general trend. Men don't generally want to have to rely on their wife for money; their pride is hurt. When a man is pressuring a woman for money it makes me very suspicious.

What kind of financial situation is your husband in? Does he work and have enough money to use the internet? If he does, then him asking for money is suspect to me. My husband needed money for immigration stuff and that was it. He worked as a teacher and brought home enough for himself, his mother, his brother and his sister.

Is he actually pressuring you to send money, or is he just talking about it and making you think that he wants you to send money?

I hope you are able to work through this. It stinks when our SO's are so far away making discussions like this with them even harder.

[fatima53 0]

I am in need of some advice. And it is a doozy.

My hubby is from Gambia and naturally thinks that I am rich. I have been able to travel their several times off of Buddy Passes given to me. Only pay $300-400 (taxes) for a roundtrip trip ticket. Couldn't afford to go otherwise.

Basically, I am not rich and live almost check to check when I don't watch it.

So, my so seems to get upset and thinks I don't love him because I can't send money. He truly believes that I am playing games and hoarding money when he is barely eating. Mind you the U.S. dollar gets about $21 of theirs, so whenever I would come, naturally I have a little extra just because of the exchange rate. Heck even going with $500 will net you a pretty sack of change in the exchange department.

Anyway, his "buddies" are filling his head with insane idea's that I must have married him to get "some". Many women actually come their to get a man to have relations with. I told him that I wasn't rich at all and and doing my level best to even get him here. (barely making ends meet for myself). Then I told him to look at my picture we took together again and think if I REALLY NEEDED to go to another country for a guy. He QUICKLY shut up and said yeah well.... (mumbling incoherent jargon). (hahaha. Need I say more.)

I am at a lost and sad from this whole situation. It doesn't help that I can call him (cheap phone cards) and he associates that (my ability to call regularly) with having loads of money. (even says "if you can call 3 times a day everyday, you must be rich.)

I am almost ready to stop the petition and wait until his head is on straight. lol

Any idea's?

HI my fiance is from morocco, when we frist met in person my mother and i flew over, and she paid for it. And of coures she got a hotel room and i stayed with him and his family, so they thought if she can afford to to thit then they are rich. I told him that we are not rice we are poor also. And then the 2 time i went over my mother paid for it also and again i had to say she paid for my ticket buy a card. The 3rd time I paid for my ticket my self and i told him i was coming with no money in my pocket. Then he knew i was poor. He is from a poor family and so am i I live from pay cheak now im home i have to find me another job cause i lost mine when i was over there, so now he know im poorer than him hahahahha. But with you being married to him it is hard for you, and i know that what he thinks, but you just have to say that you are poor and that even if both of you are poor you still love each other, and his friends are just jelouse.

good luck

Edited January 19, 2008 by fatima53

[His Glory 25]

I am in need of some advice. And it is a doozy.

My hubby is from Gambia and naturally thinks that I am rich. I have been able to travel their several times off of Buddy Passes given to me. Only pay $300-400 (taxes) for a roundtrip trip ticket. Couldn't afford to go otherwise.

Basically, I am not rich and live almost check to check when I don't watch it.

So, my so seems to get upset and thinks I don't love him because I can't send money. He truly believes that I am playing games and hoarding money when he is barely eating. Mind you the U.S. dollar gets about $21 of theirs, so whenever I would come, naturally I have a little extra just because of the exchange rate. Heck even going with $500 will net you a pretty sack of change in the exchange department.

Anyway, his "buddies" are filling his head with insane idea's that I must have married him to get "some". Many women actually come their to get a man to have relations with. I told him that I wasn't rich at all and and doing my level best to even get him here. (barely making ends meet for myself). Then I told him to look at my picture we took together again and think if I REALLY NEEDED to go to another country for a guy. He QUICKLY shut up and said yeah well.... (mumbling incoherent jargon). (hahaha. Need I say more.)

I am at a lost and sad from this whole situation. It doesn't help that I can call him (cheap phone cards) and he associates that (my ability to call regularly) with having loads of money. (even says "if you can call 3 times a day everyday, you must be rich.)

I am almost ready to stop the petition and wait until his head is on straight. lol

Any idea's?

Does he really have to worry about where his next meal is coming from or is he trying to put a guilt trip on you? I literally live paycheck to paycheck but I have budgeted a modest amount I send to my husband on a regular basis just to help him make healthier choices in his eating and drinking. I mean, he is my husband I care how he is living. I struggle here but my struggle is not the same. I mean I would love to get my nails done regularly and pay someone to detail my car but I would rather my husband have the means to choose clean bottled water than than gambling with his health by drinking the cheaper infected water they sell in bags there. Im also glad he can have vegetables with his fish and he can eat more regularly. I hate when he has to choose between eating a good meal or being able to take a taxi home from work and eating crackers for dinner. He is used to struggling and making hard choices, he doesnt blink at them but it has affected his heallth. I dont send him much at all but it helps him a lot.

[Sylvia_n_Joseph 3]

Mine has a lot of siblings ( 16) and they were all calling with almost the same thing. Has she arrived ? How is she ? Did she bring some money ? It got to be funny as we sort of laughed at it. There is a common pocket amoungst family. If one has more than another they share. Whoever has bad times gets help from those that are going better. In general his family is very poor. I was at 2 places where the entire household shares a single room they sleep in and they cook in a common courtyard and share a toliet room and a shower room. So I could understand that they hoped I had come with money. What we usually did was share a good meal with the family and just a couple did we give anything actual cash to. He has refused to give them my phone number because he is afraid they would call asking. He told them not until we marry. Until then I manage my money for my family. His brother that shares his flat talked to me a lot about the differences in how much bills are. The rent for their flat per year is about what my house payment is per month. I went through with him how my month goes. That a large portion goes up front to the government then the various bills. He was always shaking his head and saying Thats too much. I talked with Joseph that there isn't a lot of extra money in my budget and that I have a son that will be starting college next year. When he starts work we will do what we need to here and then we will work towards building the house in Nigeria that we have talked about. I am sure that we will get a lot of requests for money but I think from what I have seen that Joseph has a good grasp on budgeting and proirities. You have to get used to the fact that you will be asked for money. It is common. I have heard about people funding their wedding by asking guests-to-be to pay. You just smile a say I have no extra. I actually gave my money to Joseph who hide it in his room. When someone asked me directly I would smile and say Joseph is handling it as I don't understand naria. He never carried much on him so he would just say the money is spent. And no one got upset.

[ose_n_me 0]

My husband, never once during our courtship, or even now we are married, has ever asked me to send him money. After getting married, and being there for 3 months, I made the conscious choice out of love and concern, to send him money regularly. He actually refused to accept it in the beginning, and I had to resort to just telling him I sent it, and he better go pick it up! I wanted him to live comfortably and safely while we waited for him to get here. (little did we know it would take this long!)

Fortunately my husband knows of the many financial issues we face here in the US, although he doesnt quite understand them all yet. And we were lucky to have spent lots of time together there so I could explain much of this to him. Although I make a good living, most of it goes to mortgage, bills, kids etc. So I am by no means "well to do". I just changed the way I spent frivolously on stupid stuff (eating out, renting movies, compulsive shopping, etc) and had a little extra to send him.

IMO...this would be a "red flag" to me if he is making you feel guilty for not sending money. And I would be suspicious and upset of people he calls "his friends" if they are encouraging these behaviors, or feeding him negative ideas about you or your intentions.

Has this been an ongoing issue? Without knowing more about the relationship, I would say you really need to consider his real intentions. I just feel if someone really loves you, they would not expect or demand money. And they would trust you. After all we are doing alot to get them over here. He should understand that. If he doesnt, then I'm not sure what to do next. I'm sorry you are going thru this..My thoughts and prayers are with you.

God Bless

[We_Destiny 1]

My SO is the youngest so his siblings are usually asking us if we are okay, and the few that might want something never ask they only hint about "how the hoidays would be sweeter if they had so and so amount everyone in the village would be happy"

Our constant request come from his friends. My SO has two phones here 1: for his friends in Nigeria to call (flash) him, and 2: the one he uses mostly for people in the states. Reason being is All night every night they call (flash) waking us up. How horrible is it for someone to know your sleep with your wife and call 5 times in 2 minutes, and when you finally pick the phone, first they want you to call them right back (don't want to use there credit up), second they have some crazy story requesting money. Example: My So's mechanic was going to the village for "the X-Mas" and usually my SO sponsors alot of the drinking and eating for his friends in the village during the holidays. Well, this year he was not there he is in US. His mechanic called like 6 times in the course of 2 minutes, and he said that " since my SO usually sponsors the party and he is not there, he should send $500 dollars for them to drink, eat, and celebrate the way they are used to, he said that their fun shoud not stop because he is not around"

What tha [ v ( l<

The craziest thing is that he had only been here for 2 weeks when the first request for money started.

they gave him a whole 2 weeks to adjust

[ose_n_me 0]

My SO is the youngest so his siblings are usually asking us if we are okay, and the few that might want something never ask they only hint about "how the hoidays would be sweeter if they had so and so amount everyone in the village would be happy"

Our constant request come from his friends. My SO has two phones here 1: for his friends in Nigeria to call (flash) him, and 2: the one he uses mostly for people in the states. Reason being is All night every night they call (flash) waking us up. How horrible is it for someone to know your sleep with your wife and call 5 times in 2 minutes, and when you finally pick the phone, first they want you to call them right back (don't want to use there credit up), second they have some crazy story requesting money. Example: My So's mechanic was going to the village for "the X-Mas" and usually my SO sponsors alot of the drinking and eating for his friends in the village during the holidays. Well, this year he was not there he is in US. His mechanic called like 6 times in the course of 2 minutes, and he said that " since my SO usually sponsors the party and he is not there, he should send $500 dollars for them to drink, eat, and celebrate the way they are used to, he said that their fun shoud not stop because he is not around"

What tha [ v ( l<

The craziest thing is that he had only been here for 2 weeks when the first request for money started.

they gave him a whole 2 weeks to adjust

OMG!

[AUBGER 0]

Be careful there. If he loves you, he'll come to his senses. If he doesn't, he'll continue with the bs.

[Simply_Uno 1]

Salutations,

I can't tell you about your situation and I can not tell you what to do. I can however talk about me and my situation. First of all, I had to explain my finances to my husband i.e. (how much my rent is, how much my bills are), every thing you pay for monthly is a bill; how much my household needs are (i.e. laundry cost, gas, kids needs and recreational costs). Then I explained to him how much I bring in on a monthly basis. I also had to inform him that you were taking care of yourself before I came into your life, continue to do so now, the only difference is you are making plans to include me in your life as your wife once you make it to the states. I also told him I thought I married a man, not a boy (I had to tell him that because when I questioned him about important decision making matters, he would inform me that "I am a man, not a child"), so that being said, be a man! Now don't get me wrong, I do send him care a package every 2-3 months, (and I inform him anything that can't fit into the box, does not get sent)! So he makes sure he has his list in order. As far as his family and friends are concerned, they can beg until the cows come home, before I married him I had obligations and responsibilities. Those obligations and responsibilies did not go away since we got married and my immediate concerns are my household, not his family. He is my secondary priority, not his family. And besides, what would they do if I were not in the picture. So that is UNOz little monologue, I hope this helps.

Next speaker

p.s. excuse me, I almost forgot...you stated women go to his country for the ding ding, get real, a woman can get a wet azz here in the states for free let alone paying for a trans atlantic trip to the unknown to take a chance on the unknown. okay, I'm done.

Next

[southernchic 0]

My husband, never once during our courtship, or even now we are married, has ever asked me to send him money. After getting married, and being there for 3 months, I made the conscious choice out of love and concern, to send him money regularly. He actually refused to accept it in the beginning, and I had to resort to just telling him I sent it, and he better go pick it up! I wanted him to live comfortably and safely while we waited for him to get here. (little did we know it would take this long!)

Fortunately my husband knows of the many financial issues we face here in the US, although he doesnt quite understand them all yet. And we were lucky to have spent lots of time together there so I could explain much of this to him. Although I make a good living, most of it goes to mortgage, bills, kids etc. So I am by no means "well to do". I just changed the way I spent frivolously on stupid stuff (eating out, renting movies, compulsive shopping, etc) and had a little extra to send him.

IMO...this would be a "red flag" to me if he is making you feel guilty for not sending money. And I would be suspicious and upset of people he calls "his friends" if they are encouraging these behaviors, or feeding him negative ideas about you or your intentions.

Has this been an ongoing issue? Without knowing more about the relationship, I would say you really need to consider his real intentions. I just feel if someone really loves you, they would not expect or demand money. And they would trust you. After all we are doing alot to get them over here. He should understand that. If he doesnt, then I'm not sure what to do next. I'm sorry you are going thru this..My thoughts and prayers are with you.

God Bless

Amen. My husband NEVER asked for money before moving to the US. He certainly had high expectations when he get there but that's another story.

The idea of your hubby pressuring you and laying guilt trips doesn't sound good. You gotta do what you think is best...but believe me....don't get sucked in the feeling too much American guilt. Your husband is still an African man. And I'd find it hard to believe that if he were married to a woman from his country that he'd be tripping like this. C'mon Let's keep it real. An African man who has no money, has no wife.

[JJWashington 0]

"they can beg until the cows come home"... I love this quote!''

My husband and I have had some major issues about money matters since his arrival. We've had major major long talks and I hope we have finally reached a mutual understanding. He had the typical impression about the US upon his arrival. He has had some major adjustments and shocks about reality. The families and friends really do believe we are all rich.

I was never pressured prior to his arrival here. I did send money on occasion, but it was my decision to do so and he NEVER asked. I would have been extremely uncomfortable if he had and I would have inquired how he managed to live prior to me. But as others have said, I wanted him to eat properly and other things so sent him money on occasion.

I would give this some thought and go with my instincts.

[chispas 0]

Anyway, his "buddies" are filling his head with insane idea's that I must have married him to get "some". Many women actually come their to get a man to have relations with. I told him that I wasn't rich at all and and doing my level best to even get him here. (barely making ends meet for myself).

Hmmm

I truly felt a pain in my heart when I read your post earlier today and really had to think about which item stood out in my mind.

I won't restate what everyone else has already said about the money and the pressure to send money because I feel all was well said. However, women going there for a**. I wanted to vomit the first time I heard a group of men sitting around a bar talking about women coming from overseas to pick up their guys for sex. I wanted to kick scream and slap the others into reality until I actually saw it happening in my hotel. There were European men picking up women and European women picking up local men. Some of the same men who were on my flight from Paris would be out every night with a different girl and sometimes more than one at a time. My husband's family told me that this happens all the time in Africa and it is nothing new and it has happened for years. I believe your husband is being fed this #######, but if he really loves you and sees you as his wife, he should not even entertain that thought or even mention it to you for any reason at all.

Here is a link to a story by MSNBC about this very subject. This is very sad.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21976983/