Believing the fantasies described in love songs can be unhealthy.

[almaty 19]

In a folktale that has been retold for centuries in many variations (one of which is Shakespeare's "King Lear"), an elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love him. The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial adoration, but the youngest says only "I love you as meat loves salt."

Believing the fantasies described in love songs can be unhealthy.

The king, insulted by this homely simile, banishes the youngest daughter and divides his kingdom between the older two, who promptly kick him out on his royal heinie.

He seeks refuge in the very house where his third daughter is working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the daughter asks the cook to prepare his meal without salt. The king eats a few tasteless mouthfuls, then bursts into tears. "All along," he cries, "it was my youngest daughter who really loved me!"

The daughter reveals herself and all ends happily (except in "King Lear," where pretty much everybody dies).

Each of the following five statements is the polar opposite of what most Americans see as loving commitment. But these are "meat loves salt" commitments, as necessary as they are unconventional. Only if you and your beloved can honestly say them to each other is your relationship likely to thrive.

Want an honest and long lasting relationship? Make sure you and your partner can recite these five statements.

I can live without you, no problem

"I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs.

If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs met by the only person responsible for them: you. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.

My love for you will definitely change

Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no possibility of loss. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up.

The reason is that everything -- and everyone -- is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests and drop old ones. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible.

You're not everything I need

I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills.

Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs, each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual.

Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.

I won't always hold you close

There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you."

People who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments. This is not the kind of love you want.

The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices.

You and I aren't one

Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly, but a chameleon who morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're not in a relationship at all.

If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror.

[almaty 19]

time for some realism on vj....ideal love vs realistic love ...a comparison of addictive love and relationships to healthy ones...imho

Edited January 17, 2008 by almaty

[Fandango 1,439]

Heh, I agree w this completely.

I had an ex give me the song 'Every Breath You Take'....scared the living sh!t outta me. In the end, he actually did wind up stalking me after we broke up...he had joined the military and went AWOL to camp out at my door. It was such a nightmare! I'd be on the UM campus (TONS) of cars, and I'd walk out to my car and find a rose on it, with a tape (yes, a tape...I'm dating myself, lolz) of him crying over us breaking up.

My mom finally involved his CO in the Air Force, and it eventually went away! Started up a bit after he got out...he showed up in restaurants where me and my then husband were at....one time, we were at a friend's restaurant, so we asked to leave thru the kitchen, which we did. Walked around the building, got to thecar, and he was sitting on my car...and his date was standing next to him. THAT was interesting. heh

Edited January 17, 2008 by LisaD

[Fandango 1,439]

Oh, back on topic...the thing that really warps ppl's minds is Disney. Happily Ever After, my azz!

[almaty 19]

wow, sister lisa..that is terrible...the incident, you wrote about...and i agree with the disney view

Edited January 17, 2008 by almaty

[AnewKINDofFEELIN 0]

I like my love songs a little darker.

[Sister Fracas 5]

Thanks Doc Dean for the realism-check! This is MY fav and one I've seen a bit here on VJ....

You're not everything I need

I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills.

Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs, each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual.

Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

Hey, what's wrong with ice cream

[Sister Fracas 5]

I had an ex give me the song 'Every Breath You Take'....scared the living sh!t outta me.

At the time this song was popular, it was used in the soap I watched as the background to a stalker storyline and I've never been able to think of it in any other way...

[almaty 19]

Hey, what's wrong with ice cream

stfu you persian shoe

[Ban Hammer 13,345]

i always thought the perfect love song was by the bloodhound gang.........

you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals

[maggieNomar 0]

Hey, what's wrong with ice cream

stfu you persian shoe

wow I've been living an illusion. better go get some therapy. I do agree that Disney has made it hard to live realit at times. What exactly is happily ever after? Now that I think about it, I don't remember seeing their lives AFTER the wedding!

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

i always thought the perfect love song was by the bloodhound gang.........

you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals

the discovery channel rox!

[AnewKINDofFEELIN 0]

Love? by Strapping Young Lad:

LOVE... is a way of feeling

LOVE is a way of feeling less alone

So what's all the fuss about?!?

"*bleep* IT"

LOVE: the paradox of needing

OH LOVE,

MAKE WAY FOR BREEDING

GIVE IT TO ME! GIVE IT TO ME!

*bleep* YOU AND YOUR TALK OF LOVE!

I know what I stand for;

I STAND FOR ME!!!

I'll wait for the night to come

So far, suicide at home

For I'm not the man you know

This love it's about control

OH WHAT A FEELING!!!!!

OH WHAT A FEEDING!!!!!

Know the chosen ones ARE HERE!

ALL HAIL!!!

... *bleep, *bleep*!

I'll wait for the night to come

So far, suicide at home

For I'm not the man you know...

This love,

IT'S ABOUT CONTROL

YOU *bleep*!

ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE

ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE

ALL IN THE NAME OF LOVE

Edited January 17, 2008 by AnewKINDofFEELIN

[almaty 19]

Hey, what's wrong with ice cream

stfu you persian shoe

wow I've been living an illusion. better go get some therapy. I do agree that Disney has made it hard to live realit at times. What exactly is happily ever after? Now that I think about it, I don't remember seeing their lives AFTER the wedding!

removed due to error

i always thought the perfect love song was by the bloodhound gang.........

you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals

lol....i love that song..................l

Edited January 17, 2008 by almaty