Husband kissed another woman

[Need Advice 0]

I am hoping that people can give me advice and help my decision from here on in.

We were married 1 year 5 months ago. We went through the K3 visa route. My ex-husband, although he didn't have much to do with my children - even told me to abort my youngest, who's now a wonderful 4 year old - refused permission for me to leave with the children. They wanted to come, love it here, but he still refused. I had to go to court to get the right to bring them, which I won hands down. This cost $22,000, so I had to sell my house to pay for it. We all had to move to my parents and live in cramped conditions for 10 months. My brother was going through a bad time financially and begged to borrow $66,000 for a few months. It's been 1 year 3 months now and I don't believe I am going to get this back. As I needed the money I had to use credit cards and a loan to cover it, hoping that I would get it back to pay them back. This never happened and I ended up defaulting on the payments, as when I left my country I no longer had the funds to cover the payments. I am now blacklisted.

When I met my Husband, he had debts, an old car and lived in a small apartment. I paid his debts off when we started immigration and I sold my house, we have since bought a house here, all new furniture and he has a nice truck. This was as much for the children to get here to a home, but he obviously had the benefits while we were waiting to get here.

I have christian beliefs. Other people have other points of view and that is their choice, but my husband knew how I felt about things and therefore had the chance to NOT MARRY ME. I do not like porn in my marriage, I believe it is cheating. He was aware of this and told me time and again that he did not do it. He even went as far as to say to me that he didn't want me to cheat during out marriage and that it was very important to him as his wife cheated on him. He also said he would never cheat on me.

We moved here last summer. Things were fine at first, but when certain things were mentioned it would start huge arguments where he would be verbally abusive. He was getting so angry over small things that I was suspicious of why. He then started pushing me and shouting at me. On three occasions he has put his hands around my throat and once hit me around the head hard enough for me to fall back onto the bed.

Just before Christmas he admitted that he was looking at porn regularly on the internet, until about a year ago. He also admitted that at Christmas '06, while he was travelling to see us and to have a marriage blessing in my local church with my whole family, he met and kissed another woman on the airplane. He had a long layover in the states and started talking to her. He chose to sit next to her on the plane and he was the one that instigated the kiss. He continued to sit next to her and even helped her through the rest of steps until they had picked up their baggage. He then came through the gates and kissed me hello, as if nothing had happened.

I feel like a knife has been shoved in my chest. He said he is very sorry, nothing like this will ever happen again, that he loves me and wants me to stay. He has said he will never hit me again. He is in the military and is due to go away in a few months. He has said that he thinks that he can be faithful, but has also said that with what is on offer to military overseas, he is also worried that the temptation may get the better of him, as it did in his previous marriage.

We had only been married 4 months when he kissed this other woman. I don't know what to do. I can go back to my own country, but I have no money left, no home, no job and have been blacklisted. Every time I mention it he uses the kids as a reason why I should not go back. I realise that they are settling here, they love him ( he is a loving step-father ) and that it would be awful to put them though it, but my choices are limited. He pleads with me to stay and work it out - we are going to go to councelling. The problem is, I adored him. I was faithful. I was flirted with plenty of times and never did anything. I gave him everything and this is how he repays me. I still love him and would like to work it out. I will eventually forgive him, but will I forget??? I have known for 4 weeks now and I still get upset occasionally. I may ask a question about that day, or try to get answers as to why he did it. He doesn't like me bringing it up at all and wants to move on with our life. He doesn't like to feel guilty, it makes him feel bad. Even if I could drop it and move on, what message would that give to him?? That I will easily forgive, so he can do it again?

I truly do not know what to do. I wonder if I should cut my losses and move on now so he cannot hurt or disappoint me again. He may be true to his word and be faithful. He may never hit me again. He may never look at porn again. He may be able to stay away from strip clubs and lap dances while away - he did this during his previous marriage. I may be able to move on and feel the way I used to about him. I know he did not sleep with her, that at least is one blessing, but given different circumstances - being at a bar after drinking alcohol, etc. - would the situation have been different?

You are all going through this process of immigration. How would you deal with this situation when you had given up so much to be together, only to find you had been lied to, cheated on and then hit??? Would you go back to your own country and try to get by or would you stay and try to save the marriage?

[*JG* 2]

You are a wonderfully patient and understanding woman. I personally would not put up with ANY of the things you mentioned.

[David-and-Mae 15]

I'm sorry for what happened and what you're going through and I'm sorry that I cannot give any advice but be strong... May God bless you!

--Mae

[diadromous mermaid 36]

I am hoping that people can give me advice and help my decision from here on in.

We were married 1 year 5 months ago. We went through the K3 visa route. My ex-husband, although he didn't have much to do with my children - even told me to abort my youngest, who's now a wonderful 4 year old - refused permission for me to leave with the children. They wanted to come, love it here, but he still refused. I had to go to court to get the right to bring them, which I won hands down. This cost $22,000, so I had to sell my house to pay for it. We all had to move to my parents and live in cramped conditions for 10 months. My brother was going through a bad time financially and begged to borrow $66,000 for a few months. It's been 1 year 3 months now and I don't believe I am going to get this back. As I needed the money I had to use credit cards and a loan to cover it, hoping that I would get it back to pay them back. This never happened and I ended up defaulting on the payments, as when I left my country I no longer had the funds to cover the payments. I am now blacklisted.

When I met my Husband, he had debts, an old car and lived in a small apartment. I paid his debts off when we started immigration and I sold my house, we have since bought a house here, all new furniture and he has a nice truck. This was as much for the children to get here to a home, but he obviously had the benefits while we were waiting to get here.

I have christian beliefs. Other people have other points of view and that is their choice, but my husband knew how I felt about things and therefore had the chance to NOT MARRY ME. I do not like porn in my marriage, I believe it is cheating. He was aware of this and told me time and again that he did not do it. He even went as far as to say to me that he didn't want me to cheat during out marriage and that it was very important to him as his wife cheated on him. He also said he would never cheat on me.

We moved here last summer. Things were fine at first, but when certain things were mentioned it would start huge arguments where he would be verbally abusive. He was getting so angry over small things that I was suspicious of why. He then started pushing me and shouting at me. On three occasions he has put his hands around my throat and once hit me around the head hard enough for me to fall back onto the bed.

Just before Christmas he admitted that he was looking at porn regularly on the internet, until about a year ago. He also admitted that at Christmas '06, while he was travelling to see us and to have a marriage blessing in my local church with my whole family, he met and kissed another woman on the airplane. He had a long layover in the states and started talking to her. He chose to sit next to her on the plane and he was the one that instigated the kiss. He continued to sit next to her and even helped her through the rest of steps until they had picked up their baggage. He then came through the gates and kissed me hello, as if nothing had happened.

I feel like a knife has been shoved in my chest. He said he is very sorry, nothing like this will ever happen again, that he loves me and wants me to stay. He has said he will never hit me again. He is in the military and is due to go away in a few months. He has said that he thinks that he can be faithful, but has also said that with what is on offer to military overseas, he is also worried that the temptation may get the better of him, as it did in his previous marriage.

We had only been married 4 months when he kissed this other woman. I don't know what to do. I can go back to my own country, but I have no money left, no home, no job and have been blacklisted. Every time I mention it he uses the kids as a reason why I should not go back. I realise that they are settling here, they love him ( he is a loving step-father ) and that it would be awful to put them though it, but my choices are limited. He pleads with me to stay and work it out - we are going to go to councelling. The problem is, I adored him. I was faithful. I was flirted with plenty of times and never did anything. I gave him everything and this is how he repays me. I still love him and would like to work it out. I will eventually forgive him, but will I forget??? I have known for 4 weeks now and I still get upset occasionally. I may ask a question about that day, or try to get answers as to why he did it. He doesn't like me bringing it up at all and wants to move on with our life. He doesn't like to feel guilty, it makes him feel bad. Even if I could drop it and move on, what message would that give to him?? That I will easily forgive, so he can do it again?

I truly do not know what to do. I wonder if I should cut my losses and move on now so he cannot hurt or disappoint me again. He may be true to his word and be faithful. He may never hit me again. He may never look at porn again. He may be able to stay away from strip clubs and lap dances while away - he did this during his previous marriage. I may be able to move on and feel the way I used to about him. I know he did not sleep with her, that at least is one blessing, but given different circumstances - being at a bar after drinking alcohol, etc. - would the situation have been different?

You are all going through this process of immigration. How would you deal with this situation when you had given up so much to be together, only to find you had been lied to, cheated on and then hit??? Would you go back to your own country and try to get by or would you stay and try to save the marriage?

No one can guide you on what you should do, but if he acted upon some of these temptations/inclinations in a prior marriage, you were aware of his proclivity, so it can't come as so much of a shock, can it? If these activities are deal-breakers for you, I would recommend that he give counseling a good shot and you draw some lines in the sand as to what you will be willing to accept from him in the future.

[maya62 7]

You are a wonderfully patient and understanding woman. I personally would not put up with ANY of the things you mentioned.

Same here.

And I'd like to point out that there is a fine line sometimes between being patient and understanding, and being a doormat. The physical abuse is very, very worrying and utterly unacceptable.

If he is willing to go to counseling, great. Go. Together. Like yesterday.

If he is unwilling to go to counseling, or starts but then drops out at the first hint of criticism of his behaviour (like my ex did), I hope you will continue to go on your own.

Being tolerant, understanding, and tenacious about keeping your commitments is a good example to set for your kids. Taking abuse is not... imagine if it led to them becoming abusers or settling for a spouse who abuses them.

Just my $.02. Best wishes...

Maya

[Nutty 2]

I am hoping that people can give me advice and help my decision from here on in.

We were married 1 year 5 months ago. We went through the K3 visa route. My ex-husband, although he didn't have much to do with my children - even told me to abort my youngest, who's now a wonderful 4 year old - refused permission for me to leave with the children. They wanted to come, love it here, but he still refused. I had to go to court to get the right to bring them, which I won hands down. This cost $22,000, so I had to sell my house to pay for it. We all had to move to my parents and live in cramped conditions for 10 months. My brother was going through a bad time financially and begged to borrow $66,000 for a few months. It's been 1 year 3 months now and I don't believe I am going to get this back. As I needed the money I had to use credit cards and a loan to cover it, hoping that I would get it back to pay them back. This never happened and I ended up defaulting on the payments, as when I left my country I no longer had the funds to cover the payments. I am now blacklisted.

When I met my Husband, he had debts, an old car and lived in a small apartment. I paid his debts off when we started immigration and I sold my house, we have since bought a house here, all new furniture and he has a nice truck. This was as much for the children to get here to a home, but he obviously had the benefits while we were waiting to get here.

I have christian beliefs. Other people have other points of view and that is their choice, but my husband knew how I felt about things and therefore had the chance to NOT MARRY ME. I do not like porn in my marriage, I believe it is cheating. He was aware of this and told me time and again that he did not do it. He even went as far as to say to me that he didn't want me to cheat during out marriage and that it was very important to him as his wife cheated on him. He also said he would never cheat on me.

We moved here last summer. Things were fine at first, but when certain things were mentioned it would start huge arguments where he would be verbally abusive. He was getting so angry over small things that I was suspicious of why. He then started pushing me and shouting at me. On three occasions he has put his hands around my throat and once hit me around the head hard enough for me to fall back onto the bed.

Just before Christmas he admitted that he was looking at porn regularly on the internet, until about a year ago. He also admitted that at Christmas '06, while he was travelling to see us and to have a marriage blessing in my local church with my whole family, he met and kissed another woman on the airplane. He had a long layover in the states and started talking to her. He chose to sit next to her on the plane and he was the one that instigated the kiss. He continued to sit next to her and even helped her through the rest of steps until they had picked up their baggage. He then came through the gates and kissed me hello, as if nothing had happened.

I feel like a knife has been shoved in my chest. He said he is very sorry, nothing like this will ever happen again, that he loves me and wants me to stay. He has said he will never hit me again. He is in the military and is due to go away in a few months. He has said that he thinks that he can be faithful, but has also said that with what is on offer to military overseas, he is also worried that the temptation may get the better of him, as it did in his previous marriage.

We had only been married 4 months when he kissed this other woman. I don't know what to do. I can go back to my own country, but I have no money left, no home, no job and have been blacklisted. Every time I mention it he uses the kids as a reason why I should not go back. I realise that they are settling here, they love him ( he is a loving step-father ) and that it would be awful to put them though it, but my choices are limited. He pleads with me to stay and work it out - we are going to go to councelling. The problem is, I adored him. I was faithful. I was flirted with plenty of times and never did anything. I gave him everything and this is how he repays me. I still love him and would like to work it out. I will eventually forgive him, but will I forget??? I have known for 4 weeks now and I still get upset occasionally. I may ask a question about that day, or try to get answers as to why he did it. He doesn't like me bringing it up at all and wants to move on with our life. He doesn't like to feel guilty, it makes him feel bad. Even if I could drop it and move on, what message would that give to him?? That I will easily forgive, so he can do it again?

I truly do not know what to do. I wonder if I should cut my losses and move on now so he cannot hurt or disappoint me again. He may be true to his word and be faithful. He may never hit me again. He may never look at porn again. He may be able to stay away from strip clubs and lap dances while away - he did this during his previous marriage. I may be able to move on and feel the way I used to about him. I know he did not sleep with her, that at least is one blessing, but given different circumstances - being at a bar after drinking alcohol, etc. - would the situation have been different?

You are all going through this process of immigration. How would you deal with this situation when you had given up so much to be together, only to find you had been lied to, cheated on and then hit??? Would you go back to your own country and try to get by or would you stay and try to save the marriage?

What you describe is a terrible situation.

He lied to you

He hit you

He cheated on you

You paid off his debts to the detriment of your own financial stability

1) My mother was married to a man who abused her. It started with pushing and one time slaps. Followed by apologies and promises it would never happen again. But it did and the violence got worse. As a child it terrified me to see this and it has left its mark on me. So don't think this man is "good to your children." Because if he mistreats you, HE IS MISTREATING THEM. Abusers almost never change.

2) He lied to you (kissing another woman is a betrayel of marriage vows) in the beginning of the marriage. Keep in mind, he did this when you and him had no difficulties. It was a new marriage with the glow of love and romance in the air between you both. So the fact he could kiss another woman at this time shows that he has no commitment to monogamy.

It is only a matter of time before he cheats again and goes even further in the sexual act. As for strip clubs and such...I think it is pretty tacky and low class to go to these kind of places

My suggestion to you is to seek a marriage counselor with these problems. See if your current husband will agree to this. If things don't change and you can prove he has cheated and abused you and you tried to make the marriage work (but still it ends in divorce) you can more than likely Adjust Status and stay in the country. But you gotta show you entered into the marriage in good faith and it did not work out (hence the marriage counselor).

[Nutty 2]

What you describe is a terrible situation.

He lied to you

He hit you

He cheated on you

You paid off his debts to the detriment of your own financial stability

1) My mother was married to a man who abused her. It started with pushing and one time slaps. Followed by apologies and promises it would never happen again. But it did and the violence got worse. As a child it terrified me to see this and it has left its mark on me. So don't think this man is "good to your children." Because if he mistreats you, HE IS MISTREATING THEM. Abusers almost never change.

2) He lied to you (kissing another woman is a betrayel of marriage vows) in the beginning of the marriage. Keep in mind, he did this when you and him had no difficulties. It was a new marriage with the glow of love and romance in the air between you both. So the fact he could kiss another woman at this time shows that he has no commitment to monogamy.

It is only a matter of time before he cheats again and goes even further in the sexual act. As for strip clubs and such...I think it is pretty tacky and low class to go to these kind of places

My suggestion to you is to seek a marriage counselor with these problems. See if your current husband will agree to this. If things don't change and you can prove he has cheated and abused you and you tried to make the marriage work (but still it ends in divorce) you can more than likely Adjust Status and stay in the country. But you gotta show you entered into the marriage in good faith and it did not work out (hence the marriage counselor).

[brnidokiegurl 0]

I would advise to re read your writtings but pretend this was someone else asking for advice, what advice would u give her? sometimes our answers are right in front of us.....

[Need Advice 0]

No one can guide you on what you should do, but if he acted upon some of these temptations/inclinations in a prior marriage, you were aware of his proclivity, so it can't come as so much of a shock, can it? If these activities are deal-breakers for you, I would recommend that he give counseling a good shot and you draw some lines in the sand as to what you will be willing to accept from him in the future.

Yes I was aware of what he did during his previous marriage. I have also met his ex-wife and she is not a nice person. I guess I stupidly believed his account of the marriage and why he ended up doing what he did during it. I now wonder if she feels the way she did/ now does because of his behaviour. She had no problems with watching porn with him. I now wonder though if she did it because she knew he liked it. I have no way of knowing how she felt. I do know she did ask him to stop going to strip clubs after a while, but he still went a couple of times. I know he got in trouble after talking to a mutual female friend of theirs about what might have happened between them if she was out of the picture. They only talked about it. Nothing ever happened between them, even after the divorce.

I still see that she wasn't the most wonderful wife in the world, I have friends that attest to that. I can also see that he wouldn't care so much about her feelings because of the way she talked to and treated him. It wasn't much of a loving relationship, his family and friends have told me of how much of a ###### she was to him, as she still is, to me aslo.

I am not saying he was right to behave the way he did, but I could see reasons as to why he did. When I first met him, he said how much he regretted doing what he did and that he had changed his ways. He had stopped going to strip clubs by then and I do believe him on that. He did also say he had stopped looking at porn, but has admitted to continuing that into our relationship. He explained that before I met him, he wanted to be a better man and he had already made steps to change. I would not be a good christian if I was not willing to realise that people do have regrets and are able to change. My only fault is that I completely believed he had already made all those changes.

I had doubts sometimes and I guess I should have listened to them. I know he lied so he could continue with our relationship. He says he was trying to kick the porn thing and did eventually on his own. The kiss? I had no way of seeing that one. He had never done that to his ex-wife. Thats a new one. The talking to their mutual friend had been something that, after, he had not understood why. He never actually found her attractive and had no intention of doing anything. He was flattered by her attention. I have met her and could see that she felt something for him and the fact that she told his ex-wife what he had done shows that she was willing to cause trouble to get what she wanted. He has nothing to do with her now.

We all want to see the good in people, rather than the bad. We all want to believe our partners will be faithful to the end. Did I see it coming? No I did not. Should we never step into a relationship for fear of the past repeating itself? I know he loves me. Whether that love is enough that he has learnt what he could have lost, should we stay together, that will stop him from making the same mistakes again, only time will tell. Do I feel I was stupid to have married him to the point that I shouldn't be shocked. No I do not.

[Minya's wife 25]

He lied to you, he cheated on you, and he hit you?!?! Any one of them would and could be a deal breaker for me, yet you've put up with all three and you want to work it out? There is love and then there is being your husband's dish-rag. He has violated 3 essential laws to a happy marriage all in the space of 4 months....I don't see that he can or will change for the better.

Good luck though,

-P

[chispas 0]

All of what has already been suggested is great advice. What you have invested in this right now, is not as much as you will invest over the long term. I am not sure where you live, but there is a National group called STAND which has counselors on staff who can also guide you in picking the right choice for yourself. Above all, YOU did not create his situation nor are you the cause of HIS issues. Just be safe.

[rhymeswithcandi 0]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through... like someone else here said, read your words to yourself and pretend like it's someone else - see what you would advise her.

To answer your question: I would leave him... but that is just me.

I wish you the best

[Rhonda&Jaser 0]

I have been in a similar relationship. The one thing that opened my eyes was seeing my 5 year old son acting like my SO. I realized if I stayed in the relationship I was teaching my son that my SO's behavior was acceptable. My son is now 21 and when we discuss that time in his life he is very bitter for living in that environment. He said he felt helpless and was living in fear most of the time in that home. I was so wrapped up in my misery I did not take time to see how it was affecting my son. I have never regretting my decision to leave. If I didn't protect my son who would?

My prayers are with you. It's not an easy place to be.

[britty 1]

You sound a lovely person and I really hate saying this, but you need to wake up and smell the roses here. This guy has lied, cheated, and verbally and physically abused you. He has told you that he knows he will have temptation when he is away so is more or less telling you that he intends to be unfaithful. He alleges he has kissed a woman on a plane, however, I take this one with a pinch of salt. How many women does anyone know that would meet a guy on a plane and end up kissing him? It just seems a bit weird and far fetched to me. You need to take care of yourself for once. Your brother took $66k from you? Really, I understand someone might need $1,000, but $66,000? Its time to stop allowing people to take advantage of you and tell them how its gonna be from now on. Good luck to you.

[mtracksport 0]

you say he is leaving soon and that he is active duty military?? is his a accompanied tour ?? (spouse an children allowed to come)or is he going to IRAQ. any tour can be accompanied if the pay grade is right or it is not a war zone. maybe he is using this to get away alone for a while. I spent 30 yrs in the military and saw my troops come up with all sorts of excuses //not// to take their wives , when they could have . you need to cut your losses and move on. there are a lot of men out there that would love to meet a good hearted women. your heart will tell you what to do but get a second opinion from your brain. hope for the best.