~July 2007 K-1 Filers~

[StillThePrettiest 3]

it's great seeing everyone, and nice not to be responsible for anything right now (other people doing cooking and washing; SO unusual )

but I'm sleeping so much! it's starting to worry me

[Jeraly 4]

it's great seeing everyone, and nice not to be responsible for anything right now (other people doing cooking and washing; SO unusual )

but I'm sleeping so much! it's starting to worry me

Yeah - I can imagine it feels great - now you have taken the first step you shouldn't have a care in the world

As for being tired - I wouldn't worry about it too much. First of all you have the jet lag and secondly you have been running on adrenaline for so long now trying to get everything done, going through the whole visa process, interview, medical, packing, moving... it's a lot to take in and now you can finally relax and now you don't have that adrenaline, your body prolly just needs to rest

*hugs*

I think that was one of those super-long sentences

[Jeraly 4]

Ok - I'm having a real bad day. Not in total bad day but it's just kinda culminated in me totally freaking out to monstrous proportions and now Jeremy is really worried and I don't know where to turn to.

Ok - here's the lowdown. Came on today which doesn't help. So am hormonal. Packed some more things today. So am emotional. Then find out that finding a place to live has got postponed yet again.

For those that don't know, I have mild AS tendencies which means that where most normal people would freak out in most of our circumstances, I have a habit of taking it to a whole new level. Nothing really has changed but I am in hysterical floods of tears, telling Jeremy that I don't want to move, that I am so so scared of everything because I have nothing concrete to focus on, and so many changes to cope with, with nothing stable. And I just snapped.

The stupid thing is in my head I can kinda think things through rationally through the hazy mess that is my emotional state right now. I know that things will work out - they always have a way of doing that. But right now I want instant gratification. I want to *know* that we have a place. I want to *know* that I am going to get over the emotional trauma of ripping my life as I know it into shreds and trying to rebuild it again with the person I love. I want to *know* that I am not going to spend all my days crying because I miss my family so much.

But until I am there I can't.

I am just so scared and frightened of everything. I hate feeling like this. I want to be the person I was when I was waiting. Full of hope and patience. Waiting for NOA2 I went through the impatience and came to realise that no matter how I felt, or what I did, it wasn't going to change how things are. But it would change how I felt about it and that could in turn make things seem better. I want to be able to do that again and I just don't seem to be able to.

I want to plan our life together. I want to visualise what I want to do with the house, where I want to put things, how I want to decorate - I want to plan it all out in my head, talk it all through with Jeremy... Right now I feel in the depths of despair and I just don't know how to drag myself out of it.

I don't want to feel like this. I *am* excited. I *do* want to move. But I want to feel like I do. It's just so confusing having such a mix of emotions - excited and full of hope for my new life with Jeremy, mixed with terror and panic over the unknown, combined with heart-rending upset over leaving behind everything I know and love.

I'm not sure what I hope to achieve by ranting at everyone but I just feel so alone right now. My mum has never been the most sympathetic of people - she will be very rational and tell me all the things I already know in a logical manner. Jeremy has had to go to work. The adult AS community on facebook... well I don't know anyone there really so I wouldn't feel so comfortable offloading...

I don't even know how to end this in a coherent manner so I'm just going to leave it at that. I'm tired as well which doesn't help. Tomorrow is a different day and maybe a night's sleep will make things seem brighter in the morning.

Love you guys

*hugs*

[StillThePrettiest 3]

oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you're feeling low

*huuuuuuugs*

I don't say this often, but I know pretty much exactly how you feel... the lack of anything concrete to focus on has always been one of the hardest aspects for me in the whole thing, and we're now ahead on that score because we do at least have the house (lots more is still very uncertain but the house has made SO much difference, so I can only imagine what it's like to still be waiting on that one)

there's not much I can say, other than I understand, I am more than sympathetic, and you can do it

it's overwhelming, it's ####### piled on ####### with a side order of #######, and sometimes it seems as if IT WILL NEVER END - but it will

I'm almost there - I'm counting days where I was once counting months - and while there's still some things which make me come over all faint (like clearing my storage space and organising yet another round of shipping ), I've achieved so much, and when I sit back and look objectively, I can recognise it... you have too

you've made the decision, and you've coped with SO much to make it all happen - interviews and medical checks and filling out forms and the infernal time differences and having only a f*cking phone when you want a living breathing person by your side - and now there's not much left to go... things will happen in their own good time; you will have the house, and you will feel settled, and your things will arrive from the UK, and before you know it you'll be looking around you and saying, with some surprise, 'we did it!'

*more hugs*

hang in there

you will be fine

have some whisky if you need it

and I believe you have my email address, so feel free any time

xxxx

[GeordieWife 1]

Alyson, you poor lass.....it WILL be okay! What you are feeling is very NORMAL to a degree and it will be better once you are here. When you are with Jeremy for always, he'll be a tremendous source of support and you'll meet new people and network and make a home. It will be YOUR home...the way you and Jeremy want it to be. You two will build an identity and home together and it will become home in a short time. You have VJ friends too who are going through the same thing as well for support. PLUS....you WILL be able to go back to England before long if you want a visit. It's not like you can never go back! Your family is a phone call or email away. Also..America will LOVE you!!! Americans love English people and you will be recieved warmly by most people here. Where you are will be what you love and know. It's going to be FINE and you will be HAPPY!

Okay....that's my support..and if you're STILL crying consider this a 'Laverne and Shirley' style b*tch-slap to bring you to your senses.

Hugs girl!

[tucson_chick 0]

aly, sweetheart, i understand SO well how you're feeling. the weeks before I left, i was a mess. I needed constant reassurance that he still loved me, i even asked him if he washed the sheets and if he had a toothbrush, and not only once.

i was just going completely crazy, and eric started to withdraw because he couldn't stand my insecurity.

in the first weeks here, it was really rough. but somehow i made it through that time.

there is no question: it is hard. but there is is NOTHING better in the world than sitting in front of the TV on a saturday noon, in your pj's all cuddled up with each other, just being close. Or a random tuesday evening after work with a glass of cheap wine and a pizza. those are the moments to recharge for the next homesickness crisis.

you WILL make it, there will be days when you will be crying a lot, but there will be more moments of 1000% happiness than sad moments. you have to try to pull yourself through it. it is hard work (at least it was for me).

everybody is anxious and nervous about even moving into a new apartment in the same city, but you are moving half around the world!

you will be fine, sweetheart!! you will grow, and so will jeremy

[Jeraly 4]

Thanks guys - your words brought tears to my eyes again! Good start to a day meant for another round or packing!

I feel better for the sleep - just kind of numb. I think I've put up walls to try and protect myself from all the emotional turmoil that is going on inside me, and every now and then one of those walls crumbles a little... You know when you have a hose and you make the nozzle hole smaller, the water comes out faster? I think it's like that. I feel ok most of the time - just numb and anxious with a side helping of nerves, but every now and then, it all comes flooding out until I can put those walls back up again. I just wish I had a better coping strategy

I *know* I can get through this. I keep telling myself it's a bit like my final placement in uni - that was so awful, but I had to force myself to get out of bed every day and drive the 27 miles to school, teach, come home again, plan... I was in bed by 8-9pm every night and I felt like I was going to die. I was constantly anxious and on edge and it was the most horrible feeling in the world. But I got through it because I was damned if I was going to fail.

I'm too stubborn for that. And I'm still too stubborn to let this get the better of me.

I'm prepared to feel like sh*t for a bunch of the time while things settle down. Of course it would be awesome if I didn't and that's what I'm aiming for. I just don't know how

Ok. Deep breath.

*wipes tears away and considers ways to stop her eyes leaking*

I *can* do this and I am sure that as soon as we get a place to live I will feel so much better, even if I am still scared and nervous about things. And then, once I move, it will be done. No matter how I feel before, once I have taken that step then things can only get better, right? Because then I will know what I am facing, I will know I am missing my family but I can take steps to do something about it. Instead of sitting here worrying before I have even taken that step.

Oh dear. Do I beat debz yet?!

[StillThePrettiest 3]

I *can* do this and I am sure that as soon as we get a place to live I will feel so much better, even if I am still scared and nervous about things. And then, once I move, it will be done. No matter how I feel before, once I have taken that step then things can only get better, right? Because then I will know what I am facing, I will know I am missing my family but I can take steps to do something about it. Instead of sitting here worrying before I have even taken that step.

I think that's the key - once you're on the move, and something's happening, you'll feel differently I think... you know how much I agonised over leaving London; well, it's not like that's gone away, but I've left now, and I'm in Australia, and it's SO much easier to look ahead and be excited about Dave coming here, and us both arriving there together, and so on and so on... it's the limbo that's the killer, in my experience; you drag yourself around and try to get things done but you're stuck in one reality and all you can do over the coming reality is worry

you're doing well... gritting your teeth and just getting through is a healthy reaction, and perfectly valid (and I like the comparison to a uni placement; very apt )

what you're feeling now is completely normal, so don't beat yourself up about it, but be just as sure that you won't feel like this forever

and it's all going to be GOOD

[English Muffin 59]

Awwwwwwww Aly, just try to take each day as it comes and before you know it everything will have just 'fallen into place'. If you ever need to vent or have a shoulder to cry on we're all here for you.

Gillian

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

I hope everyone is doing well and are all on track. I'll stop in a bit more often to give Peter a break from me...(er...me from him....he's been following me from room to room since he got here....such an adoring sweetie! haha! )

Hello That´s nice to hear he is settling down alright Must be lovely to finally have him there so he can follow you from room to room right?

it'll be our turn in a couple of weeks, and I fully expect it to be a very similar story

STP is going to follow Dave from room to room

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

it's great seeing everyone, and nice not to be responsible for anything right now (other people doing cooking and washing; SO unusual )

but I'm sleeping so much! it's starting to worry me

I am glad that your family pampers you so well you can sleep all you want and don´t worry about it at all You need that rest

[StillThePrettiest 3]

I DO need the rest, but it's starting to worry me... I'm not getting anything done, and if I lie down for five minutes I wake up six hours later

STP is going to follow Dave from room to room

man, that shows how little you know us

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

Awww poor Aly But guess what What you feel is perfectly normal and there´s nothing to worry about. I had the same panic feelings before I was about to fly. Well I had it like a week before. You still have 2 months to go so hopefully this feeling will go away soon cuz feeling like that for 2 months wouldn´t be nice for you and your happiness I don´t know why Jeremy had to postpone his plans, but I am sure it will all work out and you will be able to decorate and redecorate your new home in your head sooner rather than later million times In the meantime you can go to the spa or for a massage or for a walk or read a book or do something nice you like so you can relax and if you want your mind to focus on something, you can focus it on meeting the silly old me

Are all your wedding reception plans finished or what is it looking like?

Don´t worry pumpkin, we all love ya and it´s gonna be alright (F)

*Hugssssss*

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

And you won´t feel like sh*t You will be happy and jumping over the moon and so busy arranging and rearranging your new home and although you might be a little homesick it will be nothing compared to the happiness you and Jeremy will have

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

I DO need the rest, but it's starting to worry me... I'm not getting anything done, and if I lie down for five minutes I wake up six hours later

STP is going to follow Dave from room to room

man, that shows how little you know us

You don´t know me either I am a WOMAN Well you said that your scenario was going to be very similar Not me

Hey it´s getting towards winter in Australia No need to worry about sleep All bears sleep throughout winter and so can you