JENDA: A JOURNAL OF CULTURE AND AFRICAN WOMEN STUDIES

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Abstract

This article argues that African ethical and conceptual systems have an important contribution to make to theorization of complex African-western families which are forming in some locations around the globe as the result of migration and cross cultural marriages/relationships. Drawing on my research into transculturation in heterosexual African and (non African) Australian relationships, I argue that despite formidable obstacles both in terms of the hegemony of the monogamous nuclear family model, and patriarchal attitudes toward female sexuality, “Africanization” of relationship and family structures can occur in western locations in ways which are not antithetical to women’s rights, responsibilities and desires. The nuclearization of the family may be taking root in Africa, but this is not a one way migration. As Niara Sudarkasa says, when nuclear and extended family structures which evolved in Europe and Africa (respectively) are transported to other cultural contexts, “transformations in . . . familial roles and relationships have occurred and will occur” (2004: 2).

Key words: African ethical and conceptual systems, African-western families, transculturation, post kinship studies

Background Information About the Research

In my psycho-social research into relationships between first generation African immigrants and non African women and men, many interviewees talked about ethical dilemmas, emotional distress, and economic hardship related to immigration processes (Stopford, 2006). A particular focus was the phenomenon of African men who had wives and families in Africa duplicitously marrying non African Australian women of diverse ethnicities for their “papers.” Most participants, including non African Australian women who had been deeply hurt by deception and shocked by the unexpected arrival of an African wife, were conscious of the global and local political/economic conditions which severely disadvantage non elite Africans, forcing them to adopt a variety of strategies to gain access to more affluent western countries.

On the whole, my interlocutors were remarkably insightful and compassionate about the ways in which these global economic and political forces (including of course the legacy of colonialism) impact on African—western relationships and families and limit the potential for trust, honesty and mutuality. As one white respondent put it; “Why should they be honest with you . . . when white people have done so much damage in Africa, why shouldn’t they just come and get what they can?”

However, while they were aware of the negative impact of western economic and political hegemony on the viability of long term African Australian relationships and families, few of my respondents mentioned other socio-cultural forces which also work against the survival of marriages between African migrants and non African Australian partners. These forces I describe as the Christian-Judaic model of monogamous nuclear family, and patriarchal attitudes toward female sexuality, both of which serve to prevent the development of ethical trans global complex family systems which can better serve a variety of economic, psychological and sexual needs. In regards to the silence of my respondents, even those non African women who had had to confront the existence of African wives seemed not to have realized that African traditions of extended and plural families might have offered a humane solution to their ethical and emotional dilemmas, while the majority of my African respondents seemed either loathe to discuss polygyny with a non African interviewer, or were themselves opposed to plural relationships and families.

Of 20 respondents, there were two in particular (a non African woman and an African man) who spoke at length about the differences between western and African attitudes toward sexuality and marriage. In this article I will use “Josephine” and “Kwasi’s” narratives, and their dialogue with me, as the ground from which to explore some of the complex dynamics at play in this contact zone. Using a method of process and analysis derived partially from relational psychoanalysis, I try to explore both conscious and unconscious processes at play in the narrative of my respondents, and in the conversations between myself and my interlocutors (see Stopford, 2004). In accordance with relational psychoanalytic principles, and critical race (see Ladson Billings, 1994) and collaborative cross cultural research practice (see for example, Haig-Brown, 2001), open discussion and analysis of my subjectivity as researcher is included. This includes a section toward the conclusion of the article on my own experience as a member of an extended African – western family which illustrates the way African ethical and conceptual systems can contribute to the creation of non exploitative subject positions for women in complex cross cultural, trans global relationship and family systems. As my research methodology included a participatory dimension, my respondents read and commented on my analysis of interview texts, and neither Josephine nor Kwasi had any objection to my interpretation.

Kinship and the Nuclear Family

Rest of the Study click here

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Forging harmony when cultures clash

08/08/2007

BY LISA PRUE

WORLD-HERALD STAFF WRITER

When Femi Awodele's American friends learned his wife was in medical school, they congratulated him.

Femi makes snacks for Fiyin, 3, left, and Ibukun, 8.

"That's great," they said. "She will make a lot of money."

But Femi Awodele didn't feel so great. In fact, in Awodele's native Nigeria it would be embarrassing for his wife, Ola, to make more money than he.

In Nigeria, men are unquestionably the head of the household. They provide for the financial needs of the family, while women take care of the home and children with help from a nanny and a maid. Indeed, in some parts of the country women still are considered property, and men are allowed to have more than one wife.

The situation is just one example of the cultural differences between traditional African and Western societies that can cause stress in the lives of immigrants. Now Femi Awodele has written a book, "Peculiar Conflicts: African Marriages in Western Cultures," to help other couples adjust to American ways.

Women in the United States exercise more independence than women in Africa, and that is a difference that would prove a challenge for the Awodeles, who were married in 1992.

"It was a roller coaster," says Ola Awodele, who is a family practice physician at the Alegent Health Maple Hills Clinic. "I wasn't aware of how much (the money issue) bugged him."

Says Femi, "Psychologically, it was tough for me."

Ola, who was born in West Virginia and lived there for seven years before her family moved back to Nigeria, was more familiar with western society than her husband.

The Awodeles say they are lucky. Their marriage survived the changes, but many do not.

"Men try to continue in that traditional role once they move to a western culture," says Femi. "But the wife is pushing for more independence, more of a partnership from the marriage."

The Awodeles (pronounced OWW-wo-deli) moved to Omaha in 2000. That year Femi founded Christian Couples Fellowship International, a nonprofit marriage ministry.

Ola with patient Terry Morris.

Through the marriage ministry and his book, Femi hopes to reach out to struggling African couples. There are at least 100 African couples living in the metro area, he said.

"Femi and Ola inspire others," says Ope Banwo. "They've made a tremendous impact in the Nigerian community here."

Banwo, a Nigerian pastor now living in Omaha, said the Awodeles prove that African couples can adjust to life in a western culture without divorcing.

Part of the problem is that African couples don't talk about their troubles, Banwo said. Even in their native countries, couples don't air their differences.

"If a man does, he is seen as not having control of his family," said Banwo, "and if the wife talks about it, she is considered a traitor to the marriage."

The Awodeles are helping to change that perception.

Ola often joins Femi when he speaks at marriage seminars.

"That is a big boost for the African couple," said Banwo. "They are encouraged."

Femi says his Christian faith has helped him accept the changes in his marriage.

He is comfortable with the fact that his wife makes more money than he makes; he loves taking his children back and forth to school; and he relishes his marriage ministry, which allows him to work out of the couple's northwest Omaha home.

There still are times, Femi said, when he is uncomfortable, such as showing affection to his wife in public, including in front of their own children.

Femi says he also changes his behavior when his parents visit from Nigeria, taking on a more dominant role out of respect for them and to protect his wife from scrutiny.

"African couples begin to question their marriage once they move to a western culture," says Femi, "but they can adapt."

Article reprinted with permission of Omaha World-Herald.

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Peculiar Conflicts - African Marriages in Western Cultures read with interest Dr. Tonye David-West's article on "For Better for Worse...Why Nigerians are divorcing in America". In 2001, I went into full time ministry speaking mainly in the area of marriage and as I travel in America and Europe, I noticed the alarming rate of divorce among African Immigrants.

That year I developed a questionnaire that was distributed in London, England and within the United States. I also interviewed many people as I travel. My conclusion was published (subjectively in a book titled -"Peculiar Conflicts - African Marriages in Western Cultures"). The book can be purchased on-line at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-h...8042857-9653607. I was subsequently invited to speak on the same topic on TBN Channel 14 in Houston TX in December 2003. A review of the book was also done by Omaha World Herald (a newspaper with 600,000 circulation) on April 3rd 2003 http://www.alegent.com/body.cfm?id=7&a...tail&ref=82.

The few questionnaires returned and my interviews pointed to two main reasons why Africans (not just Nigerians) are divorcing in Western Countries. The first is the prevalent culture in Africa and second is the influence of our African traditional religion. When an African man or woman born and raised in Nigeria, Ghana, etc such a person is greatly influenced by the culture and religion and may not be aware of it.

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Characteristics (some) of African Religion and Culture

1. Issue of Dowry and the role of the man and woman

The payment of dowry is a common practice in Africa, while dowry payments date back to Bible days, its meaning has changed. Dowry is now seen as purchasing the woman, so the woman is seen as a property and not a helpmate.

For many years when women were uneducated, men got away with treating them as a property. But with women lawyers, doctors, and other highly placed professionals, things are changing.

Based on the issue of dowry, women are treated different. We joke that a woman's place is in the kitchen. African men force respect out of their spouse by beating them instead of getting it through good leadership. The leadership role of a man is generally interpreted as that of a boss and servant, instead of the role stated in the Bible, as servant leader which Christ himself demonstrated in John chapter 13 when He washed the feet of His disciple.

While speaking to over 100 pastors and wives in Port-au-Prince, Haiti last week (4/8 - 4/16/05) you could have heard the pin drop when I said men and women are equal before God and men are only the leader among equal.

Earning more than your husband is a new concept that many people don't know how to deal with because for decades African men (and indeed men all over the world) have tied leading the home to financial dominance or more earning capacity.

2. Conflict Resolution

Africans have always resolved conflicts by going to the Elders in the village or among the extended family, while this has served us well and I still recommend it, it's becoming a problem for us to do because this elders for the most part don't deal with the issues brought up e.g. adultery (because they are committing adultery themselves), they only pacify the wife and husband. Because of our Spiritual believes we do not believe in airing our dirty laundry, which means help is not sought for marital problems until it is too late and when help is sought, a lot of emphasis is placed on what the "devil" did instead of taking responsibility for what happened and fixing it. Every marriage will have problem(s) the and faster you seek help the better for your marriage.

3. Romance

My maternal grandpa had 10 wives that I know and this is typical of men in his days (read my novel "The Power of Forgiveness" - by Femi Awodele xulonpress.com). If they show favoritism to one of the women, that woman is in trouble with the other wives. A man who is able to have sex with 10 different women do not need romance (men give romance to get sex, while women give sex to get romance - Tommy Nelson). As Africans we did not see our parents show romance to their spouse(s) and if anyone does that we call them names "woman wrapper" or "Ruth". What gets on my nerves is when African men tell me that being Romantic is a western culture, then I refer them to the Bible which was written thousands of years ago and it has nothing to do with western culture.

Being romantic with your wife or husband is the way to maintain your marriage. Women were created by God to be an emotional creation, while men are logical or analytical. For centuries, the African culture has forced the woman to work opposite the function of their God given hormone "estrogen" (If an African woman asks her husband for sex - which will happen during her ovulation period - she is called "Ashawo")

4. Influence of Extended Family

Extended family has tremendous influence on an African Marriage. A couple once told me that the husband's mother told both of them separately not to reveal what they earn to each other. In my speaking engagements, people have told me how the husband or wives listen to the family in Nigeria or Togo and not to the spouse they live with here in the United States or in London. One man actually told his wife that until he finish building a house in Nigeria they will continue to live in apartment with 3 kids, when I ask him when he was moving back to Nigeria, he said not for a long time, but he believed building a house for his parents while his kids live in a bad neighborhood and go to a bad school district is the best thing. Many women soon challenge the reasoning behind such thinking by refusing to combine their income (which is needed to face the bills in western countries - you cannot bribe NEPA men to go away if you don't pay your bills). A lot of women also, choose not to combine their income with the husband because they think, it is the husband's job to pay bills - they'll rather buy the latest fashion and its accessories from Switzerland or Austria.

5. Extreme of the Women While most of the dominance is men related, the women have also bought into the lies of the national organization of women (NOW). I do lay counseling and would not tell any woman to stay in an abusive relationship. I would suggest you separate (if physical or emotional abuse is involved) while seeking help from professional counselors or your church or mosque (hopefully your pastor or imam will know when to refer you for professional help). Divorce is not the better option. The man is still the head of the home (Ephesians 5: 22 - leader among equal) and he should be accorded such respect. Don't usurp his authority because you earn more or throw him out because he is a Taxi driver. You will get more done by gentle nudging him to do things and occasionally showing tough love when necessary.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Femi Awodele has written a book, "Peculiar Conflicts: African Marriages in Western Cultures,"

I know it specifically says African marriages, but I think that maybe we can read this in our book club next. It looks like a great addition to the discussion of intercultural marriage that we are attempting to pursue. What do ya'll think?

Part of the problem is that African couples don't talk about their troubles, Banwo said. Even in their native countries, couples don't air their differences.

"If a man does, he is seen as not having control of his family," said Banwo, "and if the wife talks about it, she is considered a traitor to the marriage."

What have been your experiences? I find that this definitely reflects Bassi. He doesn't have "arguments" like I understand an argument to be. Or even a disagreement of some sort. And I think at first he thought I was just being combative, but then was surprised at instances where I would say, well, I guess you are right. I agree with you so we can do it your way or whatever. He said that he thought maybe american women were just very argumentative and wanted to have their own way and not submit to their husbands. Which I don't believe is true of me, anyway.....I am ready to submit to him or I wouldn't marry him. But I still state my opinion.

I was, however, told that if we have a significant problem or if I'm in danger, I should speak with a specific member of his family who will intervene to put our marriage back on track. So, his tribe expects that there will be issues that may need to be handled by the family. But I suppose you shouldn't be discussing it with friends or coworkers. Nothing casual. It's seriously disrespectful.

There still are times, Femi said, when he is uncomfortable, such as showing affection to his wife in public, including in front of their own children.

Bassi, shows me affection in public. No slobering or some of the things people feel comfortable doing these days...But holding hands or something like that he doesn't have a problem with. He used to be a little goofy around his brothers. But I think it's because they mock/tease him about our relationship. Only one of his brothers are married. One day it'll be their turn.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

I think it would be a great book to read. He states that any african Immagrant should read this book too. We will have it to pass when they arrive soonest. soonest my husband always says. Makes me laugh.

I know it specifically says African marriages, but I think that maybe we can read this in our book club next. It looks like a great addition to the discussion of intercultural marriage that we are attempting to pursue. What do ya'll think?

What have been your experiences? I find that this definitely reflects Bassi. He doesn't have "arguments" like I understand an argument to be. Or even a disagreement of some sort. And I think at first he thought I was just being combative, but then was surprised at instances where I would say, well, I guess you are right. I agree with you so we can do it your way or whatever. He said that he thought maybe american women were just very argumentative and wanted to have their own way and not submit to their husbands. Which I don't believe is true of me, anyway.....I am ready to submit to him or I wouldn't marry him. But I still state my opinion.

I was, however, told that if we have a significant problem or if I'm in danger, I should speak with a specific member of his family who will intervene to put our marriage back on track. So, his tribe expects that there will be issues that may need to be handled by the family. But I suppose you shouldn't be discussing it with friends or coworkers. Nothing casual. It's seriously disrespectful.

With my husband I am always right. He never tells me his problems. When we were visiting in Africa his phone was stolen the first day. The kid sitting with him on the bus grabbed his phone and fell out the bus. My hsuband though poor kid..he fell out the bus, until he realized his cell phone was gone. My load mouth American friend told me what happend.

HE always says "ok, hunney" I can here him now.

My brother in law has been very helpful to help my understand my husband. I have heard about that ritual in Ghana where you are assigned to an elder.

Bassi, shows me affection in public. No slobering or some of the things people feel comfortable doing these days...But holding hands or something like that he doesn't have a problem with. He used to be a little goofy around his brothers. But I think it's because they mock/tease him about our relationship. Only one of his brothers are married. One day it'll be their turn.

My husband often held my hand and gave me quick kisses. It was just enough, since Elijah (son) was around. My son adores my husband.

[Ta Ta 1]

I will have to pass on reading this one.

While I am sure it is excellent reading for both being African spouses in Western culture, I am focused on specific conflict resolution and avoiding pitfalls between the dynamics of mixed African and Western relationships.

It is the difference therein that intrigues me and not the sameness placed in a different environment. I can't relate.

[We_Destiny 1]

How many book clubs are going at one time?

[Ta Ta 1]

One as far as I know.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

How many book clubs are going at one time?

Omoba post on cultural difference really peeked my interest to discover what is out there on the topic. I will not get the book until next week. I already told my husband out the book. What really interest me is that he has written the book with a Christian perspective along with references to passages from the bible.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

A few months back I had read an article where the author (do not remember her name) blamed the break up of African marriages on Wester culture. Even the marriages still in Africa. It was boiling down for the desire to live in western style,which required the quest for money to acquire "stuff". I think that article peeked my interest in this book.

I will let you know what I think.

I will have to pass on reading this one.

While I am sure it is excellent reading for both being African spouses in Western culture, I am focused on specific conflict resolution and avoiding pitfalls between the dynamics of mixed African and Western relationships.

It is the difference therein that intrigues me and not the sameness placed in a different environment. I can't relate.

[We_Destiny 1]

Well, we can randomly read books that have no correlation to our journey, and in a book club it is eventually done the subject matter will fluctuate. But at the inseption of a book club the goal is to keep people focused and interested to continue to participate. Would it not be wiser to focus on books that relatate to relationships between Americans and their foreign SOs.

Us participants of VJ are in mixed citizenship (culture) relationships. I for one can not relate to a Nigerian (Igbo) man and his Nigerian (Igbo) wife, and the hurdles they face living inside of Western culture together. Both coming from the same background, speaking the same language, and the primary catalyst is her becoming a physician earning more money then him. That is a totally different journey than the one we signed up for. Our SO's are potentially leaving everything behind them, leaving their country alone to come to a new world, and begin life again with us being the life line. We have to take the lead from men who are not accustomed to being led, we as srong independent women have to learn when to lead and when to follow. Pray they find their grounding and can then step up, stand out and be the men we know them to be.

Since Omoba came up with the book club, let anyone with book ideas submit them to her. Omoba can then come up with a list of books that can be agreed upon by the club participants.

It was a great idea not to disrupt the book club thread; but, starting a new one is premature and will only create division that could possibly create too much work for people to keep up with and potentially cancel out a good idea and a good deed.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

How many book clubs are going at one time?

One, on this forum.

[His Glory 25]

This book is too deep for me. I have a lot of theocratic reading and studying to do, so the secular books I read have to be an easy read and entertaining so I read them quick and get back to my usual reading and I am very discrimanting when it comes to choosing books that claim to have a Chrisitian perspective because the issues of doctrinal differences can arise and makes the book biased. I dont want all that when Im reading for entertainment and pleasure. I just want diversion not a college course. Sorry but I would love to keep hearing more ideas for the books, thank you.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

This is just some information I discovered on line regarding African struggles with the cultural differences. I am not trying to start a book club. I posted two articles and a book I discovered. Just some additional information.

You can read what ever books you choose to read. I do not have to run any books I suggest for reading past anyone. I stated that Oboma suggested reading inspired me to look up information on line regarding the topic in attempt to locate a book I might be interested in reading.

My goal is to understand my husbands possible struggles as he migrates into Western society. The bible will advise me on how to deal with his struggles. Basically with understanding (through reading), compassion, humar, patience, and love. Then I would like to figure out what traditions we can add to our family that will make him feel more at home when ever possible.

This book is actually suggested for the AFrican Immigrant. I didn't even suggest that you or a USC should read the book. I just posted the book and link in a post.

Again this post has nothing to do with the book club. So I am confused as to why you are insinuating that it is. I believe a poster suggested it might be a good book for th book club. Maybe you should suggest to her that she run it by Oboma, before she make a suggestion.

I love Oboma's idea for a book club, I look forward to participating when a book i am interested in reading comes out.

Well, we can randomly read books that have no correlation to our journey, and in a book club it is eventually done the subject matter will fluctuate. But at the inception of a book club the goal is to keep people focused and interested to continue to participate. Would it not be wiser to focus on books that relatate to relationships between Americans and their foreign SOs.

Us participants of VJ are in mixed citizenship (culture) relationships. I for one can not relate to a Nigerian (Igbo) man and his Nigerian (Igbo) wife, and the hurdles they face living inside of Western culture together. Both coming from the same background, speaking the same language, and the primary catalyst is her becoming a physician earning more money then him. That is a totally different journey than the one we signed up for. Our SO's are potentially leaving everything behind them, leaving their country alone to come to a new world, and begin life again with us being the life line. We have to take the lead from men who are not accustomed to being led, we as srong independent women have to learn when to lead and when to follow. Pray they find their grounding and can then step up, stand out and be the men we know them to be.

Since Omoba came up with the book club, let anyone with book ideas submit them to her. Omoba can then come up with a list of books that can be agreed upon by the club participants.

It was a great idea not to disrupt the book club thread; but, starting a new one is premature and will only create division that could possibly create too much work for people to keep up with and potentially cancel out a good idea and a good deed.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Congratulation on your studies Efia! I certainly unerstand the desire to read more entertaining work during school sessions. I couldn't even read a bookfor entertainment when I was in school other then what was on the agenda, but I also had a little baby at the time. I was reading picture books. LOL

This might be a great book for you SO, as it states it is great for the immagrant. I actually posted two intereseting articles (quick reads) in this thread. I just did not want to keep posting new threads on each article.

This book is too deep for me. I have a lot of theocratic reading and studying to do, so the secular books I read have to be an easy read and entertaining so I read them quick and get back to my usual reading and I am very discrimanting when it comes to choosing books that claim to have a Chrisitian perspective because the issues of doctrinal differences can arise and makes the book biased. I dont want all that when Im reading for entertainment and pleasure. I just want diversion not a college course. Sorry but I would love to keep hearing more ideas for the books, thank you.