Loving the African male

[chispas 0]

Salutations all,

The other thing he is notorious for is saying "oh, a baby, it has passed, so lets not discuss it any longer." Is that avoidance, or manipulation? I don't get the "tell me whats on your mind now" stuff. I'm used to gathering my evidence and presenting my case, he wants discuss the case as the evidence presents it self. Is that a cultural thing or just him.

Okay, next speaker to the mic!

I have heard the "it has passed" one before and yes I think it is avoidance. ( At least in my case I "feel" it is. ) I believe that bypasses culture runs on not wanting to go to "that uncomfortable" place.

Edited January 15, 2008 by chispas

[reeses16 8]

Sometimes, my hubby will say "leave it, I'm done." This drives me nuts, because I was just getting started. But he will literally not say another word! At first I thought it was just his way of avoiding the issue. But I've learned from our history that I have 2 choices: (1) either I can insist and keep talking and end up upset and frustrated when he still doesn't want to talk. Then he'll bring it up the next day and discuss it with me. or (2) I can just leave it and he'll still discuss it the next day anyway. Sooo.... for us, I've learned to just leave it; its not worth the drama in between. I'm the only one who gets worked up and can't concentrate. Its not healthy and I rather have peace in my home.

Edited January 15, 2008 by reeses16

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Salutations all,

I know I said I can't fit this book into my schedule right now, but you all are touching on a very sensitive issue for me and "Peace". First of all, I am an only child and he is the eldest son. When we argue, its like thunder and lightning. He will ask me what is on my mind, and I will say, "I don't want to talk about it!" to that he'll reply "You can't keep telling me that!". Hmmm, I'm like, okay, "well how about I don't have my thoughts formulated yet!" to that he will say "I have asked you, my ears and eyes are ready to receive and you refuse to tell me, so never you speak of it again. When you feel ready to speak, tell it to the wind, 'cuz I no longer care to hear of it!"

Okay, now 99.999% of what he has said has just pissed me off to no end. Then, he will change the subject. What kinda mess is that? The other thing he is notorious for is saying "oh, a baby, it has passed, so lets not discuss it any longer." Is that avoidance, or manipulation? I don't get the "tell me whats on your mind now" stuff. I'm used to gathering my evidence and presenting my case, he wants discuss the case as the evidence presents it self. Is that a cultural thing or just him. But on a lighter note, when I am having a terrible day and ranting to no end, he can zero in on the main issue of my distress and just soothe me and calm my spirit. I have never had such man like him in all of my life. In the midst of it all, I count my blessings and thank God every day for creating him just for me.

Okay, next speaker to the mic!

Oh Boy. I definitely agree with you about being grateful for having a man tailor made for you. God did a magnificent job. We are like two puzzle pieces and fit together perfectly. It's funny cause I wish he would argue with me the way I argue with him, but if he did, we probably wouldn't be getting married. He balances me out and I him. We are meant to fit this way. Even if I still have to learn to accept it.

[Zee Bee 61]

Salutations all,

I know I said I can't fit this book into my schedule right now, but you all are touching on a very sensitive issue for me and "Peace". First of all, I am an only child and he is the eldest son. When we argue, its like thunder and lightning. He will ask me what is on my mind, and I will say, "I don't want to talk about it!" to that he'll reply "You can't keep telling me that!". Hmmm, I'm like, okay, "well how about I don't have my thoughts formulated yet!" to that he will say "I have asked you, my ears and eyes are ready to receive and you refuse to tell me, so never you speak of it again. When you feel ready to speak, tell it to the wind, 'cuz I no longer care to hear of it!"

Okay, now 99.999% of what he has said has just pissed me off to no end. Then, he will change the subject. What kinda mess is that? The other thing he is notorious for is saying "oh, a baby, it has passed, so lets not discuss it any longer." Is that avoidance, or manipulation? I don't get the "tell me whats on your mind now" stuff. I'm used to gathering my evidence and presenting my case, he wants discuss the case as the evidence presents it self. Is that a cultural thing or just him. But on a lighter note, when I am having a terrible day and ranting to no end, he can zero in on the main issue of my distress and just soothe me and calm my spirit. I have never had such man like him in all of my life. In the midst of it all, I count my blessings and thank God every day for creating him just for me.

Okay, next speaker to the mic!

I can totally relate. I am the oldest of 3 and sometimes I just want to be left alone to brood over my problems. When I call and he can sense this I just say "I don't want to talk about it. Lets talk about something else" and he says "If you can't talk to me about it who can you talk to? Am I not here to share with you? You want to keep secrets from me? Go ahead and keep your secrets".....it makes me madder than I was before we started talking!!!!

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Salutations all,

I know I said I can't fit this book into my schedule right now, but you all are touching on a very sensitive issue for me and "Peace". First of all, I am an only child and he is the eldest son. When we argue, its like thunder and lightning. He will ask me what is on my mind, and I will say, "I don't want to talk about it!" to that he'll reply "You can't keep telling me that!". Hmmm, I'm like, okay, "well how about I don't have my thoughts formulated yet!" to that he will say "I have asked you, my ears and eyes are ready to receive and you refuse to tell me, so never you speak of it again. When you feel ready to speak, tell it to the wind, 'cuz I no longer care to hear of it!"

Okay, now 99.999% of what he has said has just pissed me off to no end. Then, he will change the subject. What kinda mess is that? The other thing he is notorious for is saying "oh, a baby, it has passed, so lets not discuss it any longer." Is that avoidance, or manipulation? I don't get the "tell me whats on your mind now" stuff. I'm used to gathering my evidence and presenting my case, he wants discuss the case as the evidence presents it self. Is that a cultural thing or just him. But on a lighter note, when I am having a terrible day and ranting to no end, he can zero in on the main issue of my distress and just soothe me and calm my spirit. I have never had such man like him in all of my life. In the midst of it all, I count my blessings and thank God every day for creating him just for me.

Okay, next speaker to the mic!

I can totally relate. I am the oldest of 3 and sometimes I just want to be left alone to brood over my problems. When I call and he can sense this I just say "I don't want to talk about it. Lets talk about something else" and he says "If you can't talk to me about it who can you talk to? Am I not here to share with you? You want to keep secrets from me? Go ahead and keep your secrets".....it makes me madder than I was before we started talking!!!!

When Bassi does that to me, I tell him straight out, you're about to be married to me, so you have to learn my moods. You can't change the person you want to marry, you have to accept them whole. He usually backs off and tells me that he'll listen when I'm ready. Truthfully, when I'm on my cycle, I could be brooding about a TV show I was watching. It doesn't take much to make me moody once a month. He'll learn that.

[Simply_Uno 1]

Salutations all,

I know I said I can't fit this book into my schedule right now, but you all are touching on a very sensitive issue for me and "Peace". First of all, I am an only child and he is the eldest son. When we argue, its like thunder and lightning. He will ask me what is on my mind, and I will say, "I don't want to talk about it!" to that he'll reply "You can't keep telling me that!". Hmmm, I'm like, okay, "well how about I don't have my thoughts formulated yet!" to that he will say "I have asked you, my ears and eyes are ready to receive and you refuse to tell me, so never you speak of it again. When you feel ready to speak, tell it to the wind, 'cuz I no longer care to hear of it!"

Okay, now 99.999% of what he has said has just pissed me off to no end. Then, he will change the subject. What kinda mess is that? The other thing he is notorious for is saying "oh, a baby, it has passed, so lets not discuss it any longer." Is that avoidance, or manipulation? I don't get the "tell me whats on your mind now" stuff. I'm used to gathering my evidence and presenting my case, he wants discuss the case as the evidence presents it self. Is that a cultural thing or just him. But on a lighter note, when I am having a terrible day and ranting to no end, he can zero in on the main issue of my distress and just soothe me and calm my spirit. I have never had such man like him in all of my life. In the midst of it all, I count my blessings and thank God every day for creating him just for me.

Okay, next speaker to the mic!

I can totally relate. I am the oldest of 3 and sometimes I just want to be left alone to brood over my problems. When I call and he can sense this I just say "I don't want to talk about it. Lets talk about something else" and

he says "If you can't talk to me about it who can you talk to? Am I not here to share with you? You want to keep secrets from me? Go ahead and keep your secrets"

.....it makes me madder than I was before we started talking!!!!

If that is not one of my husbands most formidable phrases!! That just makes me wanna chew tree bark!! I don't know if that is (here I go again) manipulation, or what? But, ooohh, I just sit back and say, okay, you call it keeping secrets, I call it keeping the peace, "Peace". And then he will laugh and say "that one is for you' oh!"

[*JG* 2]

I admit it.....I'm lurking here. And, learning. Some of this stuff must be universal. My husband likes to say "you keep it".

[Zee Bee 61]

Still waiting for my book

One thing that my fiance and I have talked about at length is not his adjustment but mine...to having someone else in my personal space. Except for 2 years when I shared an apartment with my sisters, I have never had to share an apartment with anyone. Growing up, since I was like 5, I have always had my own room. When we slept at a hotel I had my own bed. When I was in college, I had a roommate for my freshman year and half of my senior year (which really did not count because we never saw each other). I love love love love my personal space and as much as I cannot wait for my fiance to get here I know I will have some issues. And having a boy in my personal space...that is going to be interesting.

Oh. And another thing. Have any of your SOs ever used the phrase "There is no such thing as a free lunch"?

I admit it.....I'm lurking here. And, learning. Some of this stuff must be universal. My husband likes to say "you keep it".

For sure this stuff is universal

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Still waiting for my book

One thing that my fiance and I have talked about at length is not his adjustment but mine...to having someone else in my personal space. Except for 2 years when I shared an apartment with my sisters, I have never had to share an apartment with anyone. Growing up, since I was like 5, I have always had my own room. When we slept at a hotel I had my own bed. When I was in college, I had a roommate for my freshman year and half of my senior year (which really did not count because we never saw each other). I love love love love my personal space and as much as I cannot wait for my fiance to get here I know I will have some issues. And having a boy in my personal space...that is going to be interesting.

Oh. And another thing. Have any of your SOs ever used the phrase "There is no such thing as a free lunch"?

You bring up a very good point. We don't talk much about the adjustment on the part of the USC. Chime in you guys....have you thought about and discussed with your SO the adjustment that you will also be going through?

[Ta Ta 1]

I hear you on the space thing. I have 2 closets stuffed full of clothes and am currently sorting out some to give away.

I am trying to declutter and give him his own "man space " where he can retreat to if we both are having a bad moment or just to do whatever.

I am thinking here they practically come with the clothes on their backs and a suit case and everything in this entire house is me and my stuff.

My house is small but has 4 bedrooms. I want him to have the 2 bedrooms and do whatever with them. I want him to feel at home and see his own

things.

I just don't want a million tech gadgets overtaking the living room...... I can see it now......

My kitchen is a real challenge and drives me nuts. The laptop sits on my table with papers arranged in piles serving like a desk. I eat wherever.

This won't fly with him ! I really have to get organized soon. I have lived alone for so long.

No, I never heard the phrase ' no free lunch ' from him. He will probably think he has to pay for every lunch when I say that

[chispas 0]

I admit it.....I'm lurking here. And, learning. Some of this stuff must be universal. My husband likes to say "you keep it".

Hey Jomo,

You are most definately not a lurker here. When I was in Africa, I was pleasantly surprised to notice we (from Latin America and the Caribe) acted very much like people there. Even some of the myths, gestures, foods, and habits were exactly the same. I tell everyone that it must be the DNA. That sucking of the teeth thing (tcho) was everywhere. So you fit in with us

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I admit it.....I'm lurking here. And, learning. Some of this stuff must be universal. My husband likes to say "you keep it".

Hey Jomo,

You are most definately not a lurker here. When I was in Africa, I was pleasantly surprised to notice we (from Latin America and the Caribe) acted very much like people there. Even some of the myths, gestures, foods, and habits were exactly the same. I tell everyone that it must be the DNA. That sucking of the teeth thing (tcho) was everywhere. So you fit in with us

Absolutely, it really serves as a bridge for me and Bassi because my west indian culture is very very close to his Ghanaian culture (put a Ghanaian and a Guyanese together it become quite the tongue twister).

[Ta Ta 1]

That's why sometimes wander over to the Jamaican thread.

[chispas 0]

True dat ting. I like to point out different things just to see how many items are similar to our culture. One thing we eat is (coo-coo) which they call (corn foo-foo). Jalof rice with chicken is our (arroz con pollo) Eaten very much alike

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

True dat ting. I like to point out different things just to see how many items are similar to our culture. One thing we eat is (coo-coo) which they call (corn foo-foo). Jalof rice with chicken is our (arroz con pollo) Eaten very much alike

We actually swap the two. Ghanaians make FuFu with cassava in the south and we call that provisions. But I think kenkey is also made with cassava and we make that with cornmeal in Guyana and its called Conkey. Even the name is similar really. We call jollof rice with chicken Pelau. And smoked fish, which isn't as popular here in the US, was back in style in my new second home. Coconuts being headed in the streets and you can drink the water before you eat the meat.....man, I thought I was back home. They also strip sugar cane to snack on.....heaven! I must admit it was nice because it was all so familiar even where it was different. But the reality is the slaves in Guyana were British slaves and probably came from the British Gold Coast of which Ghana was a part. I hope that DNA tests don't show I'm related to Bassi..... totally kidding! His people are from BF and migrated south years back.