Loving the African male

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I feel the same way. Sometimes the way he reacts is not what I expect and it makes me feel like I should up my meds and I usually end up being the one appologizing because i was the one to make a mountain out of it. Im just drama and he is the complete opposite. He likes peace and contentment. He dont always get it. Wait till he meets my family, we are loud and all emotional and love slamming doors. But im breaking him in pretty proper I love that he is calm though. I think we balance each other out. He reminds me that its possible to get the point across without yelling and raving. and I remind him that its ok to be silly and loud sometimes. he can be so serious.

Well my daughter has only dealt with me for discipline her whole life. Her father is part of her life, but doesn't EVER discipline her. Well, she loves Bassi but HATES his discipline style. He never raises his voice and he talks her into submission. While I scream and then she gets a punishment and it's over. She's only five. She got in trouble for refusing to obey her teacher in school. She refused to do her classwork. (She's in first grade.) So, of course, I was very upset that she was disrespectful and disobedient to her teacher. I didn't say anything in the car and said we have to talk about it later. She told me, Mama, can't I just have a punishment. Please don't tell Bassi.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Omoba, I kind of know what you are talking about.

There have been times when my finace has had to admit he was wrong but there are 2 ways that he deals with it. If it is something really small then they he says "Babe, you're right" and thats it. When it is something huge, its "Babe, I don't ever want to talk about this again". To me, I think its no big deal, and for his sake, I don't talk about whatever it is again.

But its not the issue itself but rather the fact that he was wrong.

He says I don't want to talk about this again? Hmmmm......I'm not so sure about Bassi. I find that there are instances when we go back and forward on something and finally I feel when he's decided I'm right....then it becomes a joke. He says that I'm so brilliant and that he has to always remember when he's talking to the lawyer Zainab (I'm not really a lawyer). So he says, yeah, you right.....but tongue in cheek, oh, you're too smart for me baby. He does the same with Kay. He once heard me say to Kay, oh, I'm sorry, you're right, I made a mistake. He nearly died. He couldn't believe I said that to her. I'm not sure why. Why he can't just say, Sorry, I'm wrong, you're right. I do it with him.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Also, another thing, when he gets really mad, he says that he does not want to say anything because he does not want to say something that he would regret.

I'm not sure what he is 'saving face' for though. Is it that he does not want to be seen as getting out of control? Or not being able to control the situation? Or not wanting to be in the argument in the first place?

Bassi will get to the point in an argument at times where he will say, We have to stop talking about this now, or I'll disappoint God. Or something like that. But the jist of it really appears to me to be having enough self control to not explode. I will admit, that the day that I break him, I'll probably be very very pleased. That's hateful isn't it?

Well, in the posts that we've put here, we all seem to respect their ability to remain so calm when we're in one of our tirades. We've clearly learned to argue in different ways. It is kind of saving face to be the one that remains in control in the middle of an argument. I do respect Bassi's self-restraint. So maybe it's frustrating for them to feel a loss of control.

Edited January 13, 2008 by Bassi and Zainab

[Zee Bee 61]

Omoba, I kind of know what you are talking about.

There have been times when my finace has had to admit he was wrong but there are 2 ways that he deals with it. If it is something really small then they he says "Babe, you're right" and thats it. When it is something huge, its "Babe, I don't ever want to talk about this again". To me, I think its no big deal, and for his sake, I don't talk about whatever it is again.

But its not the issue itself but rather the fact that he was wrong.

He says I don't want to talk about this again? Hmmmm......I'm not so sure about Bassi. I find that there are instances when we go back and forward on something and finally I feel when he's decided I'm right....then it becomes a joke. He says that I'm so brilliant and that he has to always remember when he's talking to the lawyer Zainab (I'm not really a lawyer). So he says, yeah, you right.....but tongue in cheek, oh, you're too smart for me baby. He does the same with Kay. He once heard me say to Kay, oh, I'm sorry, you're right, I made a mistake. He nearly died. He couldn't believe I said that to her. I'm not sure why. Why he can't just say, Sorry, I'm wrong, you're right. I do it with him.

When he says he doesn't want to talk about it again it is his way of telling me to drop it for the moment. I think he uses that instead of telling me to shut up. I admit that I can be very argumentative sometimes and was kind of taken aback when he said it to me at first but I think that is the way he deals with a situation. And then, when he has processed and processed and over processed we come to a conclusion that we can all deal with.

Only once can I say that my fiance has said "You are right" and only because he was discussing the situation with his mom and she agreed with everything I had to say. When I talked to him he asked me if I had talked to her and I said no. And then he told me what she had said and she said excatly the same things I did and gave the exact same reasoning I did. That is the only time I have been told that I am right even though, when the situation is turned around, I have always told him he is right.

It doesn't really bother me because I know from his actions and how he says stuff that he has conceded, but it would still be nice to hear every once in a while.

[His Glory 25]

When he says he doesn't want to talk about it again it is his way of telling me to drop it for the moment. I think he uses that instead of telling me to shut up. I admit that I can be very argumentative sometimes and was kind of taken aback when he said it to me at first but I think that is the way he deals with a situation. And then, when he has processed and processed and over processed we come to a conclusion that we can all deal with.

Only once can I say that my fiance has said "You are right" and only because he was discussing the situation with his mom and she agreed with everything I had to say. When I talked to him he asked me if I had talked to her and I said no. And then he told me what she had said and she said excatly the same things I did and gave the exact same reasoning I did. That is the only time I have been told that I am right even though, when the situation is turned around, I have always told him he is right.

It doesn't really bother me because I know from his actions and how he says stuff that he has conceded, but it would still be nice to hear every once in a while.

Zee I know how you feel about being taken aback. I can be argumentative as well and had brought up something I wanted to do and he said no. Of course I didnt take that well, because I KNEW i was right and kept pushing it and he said "I will NEVER (this word was really emphasized) ALLOW you to do that, now that is enough" and he tried to changed the subject to a more pleasant topic and ignored any other comments about it and he just kept pursuing the other topic. That blew me me away. It was like aruging with a wall. I felt frustrated and eventually ridicules. Afterward I was kinda in awe of how he handled it. Im actually proud that he is so firm. I would hate to be married to a wishy washy push over.

[Ta Ta 1]

My fiance has no problem saying you are right and I am wrong. He has said to me ' if I am wrong then I will tell you that and apologize and have no problem with that."

He also tells me he never wants to talk about such and such but only if the issue is not yet resolved for me after repeated discussions.

Often it takes me 3-4 times to again discuss the same thing for a resolve. That gets on his last nerve. I have learned to say " ok the issue is still not resolved for me and I still have questions but we can drop it for now and may I continue tomorrow". That works better when he has had enough.

I have a very detailed analytical arguing style .... and he says " don't give yourself headache ".

Well, I still don't think you guys understand what I mean by 'saving face ' and the unspoken rule of silence of an African wife in this case to save him embarrassment. It is shutting an eye to it. In other words he messed up so don't point it out kind of thing because he would have a hard time

admitting it. I am the kind of person who wants to get the gory details and discuss it and he would want a paper bag over his head by then.

Maybe one of our African VJ men will come along and know what I mean. I will also try to find where I have read about this.

It is more about admitting something than saying 'you are right' when questioned.

See how I am, I drive myself crazy to analyze this

One other thing I find interesting is that when I am about to talk about a certain serious issue he says " you are allowed " ( to speak ).

First I was like oh really ?! I have your permission ? But thanks I don't need it, I say when and what I want to say.

After reading the book I have gained a better insight. I asked him how do you feel about woman speaking their minds whenever and why do you

say I am allowed...........he answered because you ARE allowed , because woman have equality ! Good answer honey !

That makes me want to submit and be softer because no demands are made on me to watch my mouth but I do because I chose to due to his kindness.

The author talks about woman having to raise their hands to speak and to be quiet unless spoken to when he was raised up.

Boy I would have one heck of a time with that one

Edited January 13, 2008 by Omoba

[typee0 0]

Count me in, on the book club. In between study for massage nationals I need all the help I can get. I believe this will give me more insight and some understanding, I got the shipping error message this morning so I guess I will have the book n hand in 2 wks or so. ordered thru c & d. good looking out op!!! Edited January 13, 2008 by typee0

[Zee Bee 61]

Well, I still don't think you guys understand what I mean by 'saving face ' and the unspoken rule of silence of an African wife in this case to save him embarrassment. It is shutting an eye to it. In other words he messed up so don't point it out kind of thing because he would have a hard time

admitting it. I am the kind of person who wants to get the gory details and discuss it and he would want a paper bag over his head by then.

Maybe one of our African VJ men will come along and know what I mean. I will also try to find where I have read about this.

It is more about admitting something than saying 'you are right' when questioned.

See how I am, I drive myself crazy to analyze this

Now I see what you mean!

I have done this. I will elaborte later when I have more time

[reeses16 8]

Its funny, my hubby is the opposite of what you all descirbed! He gets straight to the point; so much so that I have to get him to explain how he got to the point sometimes. He is also quick to offer a sincere apology, which I appreciate. And I admitt, I do my share of apologizing too.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Well, I still don't think you guys understand what I mean by 'saving face ' and the unspoken rule of silence of an African wife in this case to save him embarrassment. It is shutting an eye to it. In other words he messed up so don't point it out kind of thing because he would have a hard time

admitting it. I am the kind of person who wants to get the gory details and discuss it and he would want a paper bag over his head by then.

Maybe one of our African VJ men will come along and know what I mean. I will also try to find where I have read about this.

It is more about admitting something than saying 'you are right' when questioned.

See how I am, I drive myself crazy to analyze this

If I get what you are saying, then I think that I do it and so maybe it's not necessarily "African" women that do it. I mean an example is Bassi and I talking about doing something within a certain time frame. He failed to do so and then had to travel all the way to Burkina Faso to fix it. I never said, I told you so or you messed up! It's kind of like rubbing salt in a wound. And I know it would embarrass him and maybe even upset him if I did. I just kind of ignored it. Oh, you have to go to Burkina Faso. Tell your sister to send me pictures of the baby. And that's it. I'm sure he knows that I realized he messed up....but I also realized he was fixing it. So big deal, right?

[Ta Ta 1]

Count me in, on the book club. In between study for massage nationals I need all the help I can get. I believe this will give me more insight and some understanding, I got the shipping error message this morning so I guess I will have the book n hand in 2 wks or so. ordered thru c & d. good looking out op!!!

Are you serious ....you are a CMT ? I have been one for 10 years. Too bad we don't live closer, we could trade

Well, I still don't think you guys understand what I mean by 'saving face ' and the unspoken rule of silence of an African wife in this case to save him embarrassment. It is shutting an eye to it. In other words he messed up so don't point it out kind of thing because he would have a hard time

admitting it. I am the kind of person who wants to get the gory details and discuss it and he would want a paper bag over his head by then.

Maybe one of our African VJ men will come along and know what I mean. I will also try to find where I have read about this.

It is more about admitting something than saying 'you are right' when questioned.

See how I am, I drive myself crazy to analyze this

If I get what you are saying, then I think that I do it and so maybe it's not necessarily "African" women that do it. I mean an example is Bassi and I talking about doing something within a certain time frame. He failed to do so and then had to travel all the way to Burkina Faso to fix it. I never said, I told you so or you messed up! It's kind of like rubbing salt in a wound. And I know it would embarrass him and maybe even upset him if I did. I just kind of ignored it. Oh, you have to go to Burkina Faso. Tell your sister to send me pictures of the baby. And that's it. I'm sure he knows that I realized he messed up....but I also realized he was fixing it. So big deal, right?

No, that's not it either. I give up

[ose_n_me 0]

Its funny, my hubby is the opposite of what you all descirbed! He is also quick to offer a sincere apology

My husband too!!!

I have been following this post..out of interest in the book...but have been reading everyone's comments on their SO. I'm wondering how much of the way he argues and resolves conflict etc. has to do with his personality/character vs. his African culture. I believe there are distinct cultural norms within each country/tribe...but also feel there is a strong personal aspect as well.

My husband and I have never "argued" about anything. (which shocks the heck outta me, cuz I am very opinionated!) We have discussions that always result in either a compromise, or one of admitting the other's "solution or idea" is the better one. We have never raised our voices, hung up, stormed out, slammed doors, or had any stern words for each other. He says he loves my analytical nature, and they way I "talk everything out" (most men hate all the talking, cuz they can perceive it as nagging sometimes I guess! hehe) But he can get "quiet" at times when we are discussing something, which I think is his way of taking it all in and processing it before he responds.

Its many of these qualities that made me fall in love with him, because he is so different from any other man I have known. In addition, he is strong, confident, intelligent, educated, compassionate and extremely loving.

Although I am not able to buy the book right now...I am looking forward to everyones comments and viewpoints, and am hoping there will be other things brought up that i will find helpful to my relationship. Its all about individual experiences...and not everything will pertain to all of us, in every situation. I am finding this thread so enlightening and helpful. Thanks Omoba!

God Bless

[typee0 0]

Count me in, on the book club. In between study for massage nationals I need all the help I can get. I believe this will give me more insight and some understanding, I got the shipping error message this morning so I guess I will have the book n hand in 2 wks or so. ordered thru c & d. good looking out op!!!

Are you serious ....you are a CMT ? I have been one for 10 years. Too bad we don't live closer, we could trade

Yes, very and love it, been at it part time about 5 yrs i am looking forward to making it fulltime. I just have to breakaway from what pays the bills at this time. I know I need trigger point work done for myself.

Well, I still don't think you guys understand what I mean by 'saving face ' and the unspoken rule of silence of an African wife in this case to save him embarrassment. It is shutting an eye to it. In other words he messed up so don't point it out kind of thing because he would have a hard time

admitting it. I am the kind of person who wants to get the gory details and discuss it and he would want a paper bag over his head by then.

Maybe one of our African VJ men will come along and know what I mean. I will also try to find where I have read about this.

It is more about admitting something than saying 'you are right' when questioned.

See how I am, I drive myself crazy to analyze this

If I get what you are saying, then I think that I do it and so maybe it's not necessarily "African" women that do it. I mean an example is Bassi and I talking about doing something within a certain time frame. He failed to do so and then had to travel all the way to Burkina Faso to fix it. I never said, I told you so or you messed up! It's kind of like rubbing salt in a wound. And I know it would embarrass him and maybe even upset him if I did. I just kind of ignored it. Oh, you have to go to Burkina Faso. Tell your sister to send me pictures of the baby. And that's it. I'm sure he knows that I realized he messed up....but I also realized he was fixing it. So big deal, right?

No, that's not it either. I give up

[Zee Bee 61]

I have always thought of saving face as preventing humiliation or embasrrasment either for yourself or someone else.

So, from what you said Omoba, I think of not saying or doing something to make my SO feel worse because I know it would make him embarrassed. Or, not discussing something personal with others becuase it would embarrass him.

Is that what you were thinking of or am I totally off base?

[chispas 0]

I can't even contribute about the book because I am also in the 2 week window for arrival. Shucks