Loving the African male

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Girl tell me about it. Having to think about what you are saying when in an argument is soooo hard. Actually, for me it is a newly aquired skill, and I am greatful of being cured from my Tourettes Syndrome episodes (it could get real ugly) . I am still working on the rambling but hey it's a process .

My argument style is listen to me for 45 minutes then you have 4 minutes to respond!

He sits there silently and boy does that PISS ME OFF!!!

Oh my gosh! This is just like my husband, at first. Im used to things happening a certain way....I get mad and loud and then you get made and loud back and then we calm down and make up. Imagine our first argument and he was just quite and calm. I guess he didnt know how it was supposed to go...its sort of dance, if you will. It made me even more mad....do I have to teach him everything? Guess so, cause now we go at it pretty proper Cept the make up part is not as sweet when we are not together. Reminds me in the book about how he couldnt understand why we throw things and slams doors.

:roflol:

I'm so there. But Bassi won't catch on. He still maintains silence. And I'm not like JJ or Omoba, I don't calm down, I get more upset. Now, I forgot why we were even arguing, I'm just upset that he's not arguing the right way! It's completely irrational and it makes me feel like I should be institutionalized. In the end, I either walk away or hang up the phone. Then after I've calmed down and thought it through, we can talk about it again.

[MaRob 0]

Bassi beats the damn bush to death!!!

God bless him....eventually he gets to it, but it takes FOREVER. And whenever I interrupt to try to speed it along because I get it....he says, "Baby wait, Let me land. I'm getting there, just let me land." I'm ready to shoot the airplane down! That'll get it to land. I've noticed though that he'll only address it with me or with his parents. If it's between he and his siblings or his friends, forget it! He's not giving an inch. He'll just fall silent on the issue. Stubborn as a mule!

I really LOL'd at this... Mine does the same thing! Not with the plane analogy though... just wants to talk it out and really put his thoughts into words... SLOWLY... and when I get it, I will try and finish his sentence for him, but then he has to start over... so I am learning

[His Glory 25]

Girl tell me about it. Having to think about what you are saying when in an argument is soooo hard. Actually, for me it is a newly aquired skill, and I am greatful of being cured from my Tourettes Syndrome episodes (it could get real ugly) . I am still working on the rambling but hey it's a process .

My argument style is listen to me for 45 minutes then you have 4 minutes to respond!

He sits there silently and boy does that PISS ME OFF!!!

Oh my gosh! This is just like my husband, at first. Im used to things happening a certain way....I get mad and loud and then you get made and loud back and then we calm down and make up. Imagine our first argument and he was just quite and calm. I guess he didnt know how it was supposed to go...its sort of dance, if you will. It made me even more mad....do I have to teach him everything? Guess so, cause now we go at it pretty proper Cept the make up part is not as sweet when we are not together. Reminds me in the book about how he couldnt understand why we throw things and slams doors.

:roflol:

I'm so there. But Bassi won't catch on. He still maintains silence. And I'm not like JJ or Omoba, I don't calm down, I get more upset. Now, I forgot why we were even arguing, I'm just upset that he's not arguing the right way! It's completely irrational and it makes me feel like I should be institutionalized. In the end, I either walk away or hang up the phone. Then after I've calmed down and thought it through, we can talk about it again.

I feel the same way. Sometimes the way he reacts is not what I expect and it makes me feel like I should up my meds and I usually end up being the one appologizing because i was the one to make a mountain out of it. Im just drama and he is the complete opposite. He likes peace and contentment. He dont always get it. Wait till he meets my family, we are loud and all emotional and love slamming doors. But im breaking him in pretty proper I love that he is calm though. I think we balance each other out. He reminds me that its possible to get the point across without yelling and raving. and I remind him that its ok to be silly and loud sometimes. he can be so serious.

[Ta Ta 1]

Question that is NOT brought out in the book but very relevant.

What about ' saving face ' . Like something happend that he is embarrassed about and now he beats around the bush, saving face.

There was a whole thread about this from someone with a Thai SO and it was very interesting.

I think the same goes for the African culture..........a kind of unspoken understanding something something, don't know how to even verbalize it

or formulate my question correctly ......lol.

Bassi beats the damn bush to death!!!

God bless him....eventually he gets to it, but it takes FOREVER. And whenever I interrupt to try to speed it along because I get it....he says, "Baby wait, Let me land. I'm getting there, just let me land." I'm ready to shoot the airplane down! That'll get it to land. I've noticed though that he'll only address it with me or with his parents. If it's between he and his siblings or his friends, forget it! He's not giving an inch. He'll just fall silent on the issue. Stubborn as a mule!

Oh you are killing me, soooooooo funny the way you put this

[We_Destiny 1]

Question that is NOT brought out in the book but very relevant.

What about ' saving face ' . Like something happend that he is embarrassed about and now he beats around the bush, saving face.

There was a whole thread about this from someone with a Thai SO and it was very interesting.

I think the same goes for the African culture..........a kind of unspoken understanding something something, don't know how to even verbalize it

or formulate my question correctly ......lol.

Bassi beats the damn bush to death!!!

God bless him....eventually he gets to it, but it takes FOREVER. And whenever I interrupt to try to speed it along because I get it....he says, "Baby wait, Let me land. I'm getting there, just let me land." I'm ready to shoot the airplane down! That'll get it to land. I've noticed though that he'll only address it with me or with his parents. If it's between he and his siblings or his friends, forget it! He's not giving an inch. He'll just fall silent on the issue. Stubborn as a mule!

Tell

The analogies and the proverbs take for ever. I know... I have tried cutting him off, but, brother will not have that.. SometimEs I just want to scream HURRY UP AND GET IT OUT!!! I GET YOUR POINT. I'm ready with my response.

[We_Destiny 1]

Question that is NOT brought out in the book but very relevant.

What about ' saving face ' . Like something happend that he is embarrassed about and now he beats around the bush, saving face.

There was a whole thread about this from someone with a Thai SO and it was very interesting.

I think the same goes for the African culture..........a kind of unspoken understanding something something, don't know how to even verbalize it

or formulate my question correctly ......lol.

Bassi beats the damn bush to death!!!

God bless him....eventually he gets to it, but it takes FOREVER. And whenever I interrupt to try to speed it along because I get it....he says, "Baby wait, Let me land. I'm getting there, just let me land." I'm ready to shoot the airplane down! That'll get it to land. I've noticed though that he'll only address it with me or with his parents. If it's between he and his siblings or his friends, forget it! He's not giving an inch. He'll just fall silent on the issue. Stubborn as a mule!

Girl tell me about it.

The analogies and the proverbs take for ever.   I know... I have tried cutting him off, but, brother will not have that... Sometimes, I just want to scream HURRY UP AND GET IT OUT!!! I GET YOUR POINT!!!!! my turn I'm ready with my response.

[Ta Ta 1]

Girl tell me about it. Having to think about what you are saying when in an argument is soooo hard. Actually, for me it is a newly aquired skill, and I am greatful of being cured from my Tourettes Syndrome episodes (it could get real ugly) . I am still working on the rambling but hey it's a process .

My argument style is listen to me for 45 minutes then you have 4 minutes to respond!

He sits there silently and boy does that PISS ME OFF!!!

Oh my gosh! This is just like my husband, at first. Im used to things happening a certain way....I get mad and loud and then you get made and loud back and then we calm down and make up. Imagine our first argument and he was just quite and calm. I guess he didnt know how it was supposed to go...its sort of dance, if you will. It made me even more mad....do I have to teach him everything? Guess so, cause now we go at it pretty proper Cept the make up part is not as sweet when we are not together. Reminds me in the book about how he couldnt understand why we throw things and slams doors.

:roflol:

I'm so there. But Bassi won't catch on. He still maintains silence. And I'm not like JJ or Omoba, I don't calm down, I get more upset. Now, I forgot why we were even arguing, I'm just upset that he's not arguing the right way! It's completely irrational and it makes me feel like I should be institutionalized. In the end, I either walk away or hang up the phone. Then after I've calmed down and thought it through, we can talk about it again.

If I hang up on him he gets very, very upset and tells me not to disrespect him like that so I try not to do that anymore.

I feel like I am in psych 101 with him and he is teaching me how to rspectfully get my point across. Sigh !

He has actually started with Adam&Eve before in reference to the beating around the bush thing....... I kid you not. It was cute though!

I hear you about feeling I should be institutuionalized during some arguments I am still working on that and haven't arrived yet but am making progress, I can have a supervised field trip out though

[Ta Ta 1]

Question that is NOT brought out in the book but very relevant.

What about ' saving face ' . Like something happend that he is embarrassed about and now he beats around the bush, saving face.

There was a whole thread about this from someone with a Thai SO and it was very interesting.

I think the same goes for the African culture..........a kind of unspoken understanding something something, don't know how to even verbalize it

or formulate my question correctly ......lol.

Bassi beats the damn bush to death!!!

God bless him....eventually he gets to it, but it takes FOREVER. And whenever I interrupt to try to speed it along because I get it....he says, "Baby wait, Let me land. I'm getting there, just let me land." I'm ready to shoot the airplane down! That'll get it to land. I've noticed though that he'll only address it with me or with his parents. If it's between he and his siblings or his friends, forget it! He's not giving an inch. He'll just fall silent on the issue. Stubborn as a mule!

Girl tell me about it.

The analogies and the proverbs take for ever.   I know... I have tried cutting him off, but, brother will not have that... Sometimes, I just want to scream HURRY UP AND GET IT OUT!!! I GET YOUR POINT!!!!! my turn I'm ready with my response.

Especially when the minutes are about to run out on the calling card ................only to dial again to get the rest of the story

ching ching......

[Ta Ta 1]

Ok guys how many are reading the book and how many are still waiting ? Weekend VJ traffic is usually low so I will wait to get more feedback by next week. People actually have a life ?

Remember calling Pete B) and sending him a money order or whatever payment method you feel comfortable with will get you the book in a few days and you can cancel an order that may take weeks elsewhere. PM me or Perseverance for details if you can't find it on his web site.

I would like to start discussing the Introduction next week.

Then those who have not read it yet can add their comments at anytime later but it gets the ball rolling.

I will name the chapter so we all have easy reference to what is talked about.

So get your comments ready for pages 1- 18 INTRODUCTION. Pete also wants feedback and we need to summarize something for him on his web site. Please be respectful to the author when doing so.

Meanwhile carry on ........no need to let the thread die before we begin. Please stay on topic of African/Western relationship issues that pertain to

two willing people wanting to merge their lives together and WILLING to do the work.

What is challenging your union now ? What is the mind blower you are having a tough time with ? How have you resolved conflict ? What is not working ?

Are you merging from all Western and your partner from all African attitudes into a flow of a workable mix of both with compromises on both sides ?

Please remember I am a naturalized German and sometimes I may 'sound funny ' the way I structure my sentences. English is my second

language. When I am sleepy it gets worse so sorry for future mistakes in my typing.

[Zee Bee 61]

I am hoping the book will get to me next week. They are only in NJ after all.

Now, onto the beating around the bush business...I feel EVERYONE on that. My fiance likes to say EVERYTHING, no way is he going to pare anything dow to make it easier. By the time he has made his point, I am ready to move on to something else. Sometimes I feel like I really have to listern and listen hard to make sure I get the point that he is making. I get so much backstory and history, I could write a book!!

And on the disagreements front, we are totally opposite. I tend to talk a lot when we have arguments and he just sits on the other end and says nothing. It infuriates me because I need to know that he has heard me and understands where I am coming from, but he likes to sit and process and the processing part just ain't fast enough for me. So then, I end up talking more and he is just quiet and....argh. So, now I have learned that when we have an argument I need to leave him be to do what it is he does and then get back to me. This is hard for me to do because I hate the fact that we hang up and we are upset with each other. And then I worry about him and stuff and wonder whether he is thinking I am some kind of nut or a moron or a crazy person.

[forchika 4]

I am in the two week category also, did not know it would take that long until Zainab posted it , after I read that I was like, darn it ,darn it ,darn it !!!!!

[JJWashington 0]

Bassi beats the damn bush to death!!!

God bless him....eventually he gets to it, but it takes FOREVER. And whenever I interrupt to try to speed it along because I get it....he says, "Baby wait, Let me land. I'm getting there, just let me land." I'm ready to shoot the airplane down! That'll get it to land. I've noticed though that he'll only address it with me or with his parents. If it's between he and his siblings or his friends, forget it! He's not giving an inch. He'll just fall silent on the issue. Stubborn as a mule!

I really LOL'd at this... Mine does the same thing! Not with the plane analogy though... just wants to talk it out and really put his thoughts into words... SLOWLY... and when I get it, I will try and finish his sentence for him, but then he has to start over... so I am learning

Oh my goodness. My husband is EXACTLY like that, he HAS to say the entire thought, even though I get it and sometimes complete the sentence. And then he has to START ALL OVER. That is probably the hardest for me, because I am impatient and don't like to have to hear the long drawn out thought again...

I am in the two week category also, did not know it would take that long until Zainab posted it , after I read that I was like, darn it ,darn it ,darn it !!!!!

Me too!

[Ta Ta 1]

Well, with life in Africa so much at a slower pace, it makes sense that the conversation is also slowed and not a by product but actually to be enjoyed

I think. Look at the groups of men sitting together in Africa socializing just with talking to each other in metaphores and parables sometimes to pass time. A good orator is respected. Speech is important in the village and has its own flow and ritual.

Here in our fast paced world where we have to make decisions often in a split second we go 90 miles an hour talking and processing. That carries over to our home life.

I will slow down and meet him halfway if he can kick it in gear a bit more, maybe it will just happen when they feel the fast pace here.

When he is at work this may not go over well and he has to speed it up.

I do like the slower pace much better in Africa and will make an attempt to slow my conversation / discussion / arguments (?) with him. I never analyzed this before as much as I have today with everyone's feedback.

How about the more serious " saving face, to be unspoken and unsaid things ', things an African wife would leave alone and not bring up ?

Like when caught with fingers in the cookie jar (minor things) that he rather not we discuss because it would humiliate or embarrass him ? African wives shut

an eye to it ( MINOR THINGS ! ) and it is an unspoken custom that even though she knows she remains silent. Here we are thinking ok admit it what is the big deal bringing the issue out ?

I read about this somewhere , anyone know what I am talking about ?

[Zee Bee 61]

Omoba, I kind of know what you are talking about.

There have been times when my finace has had to admit he was wrong but there are 2 ways that he deals with it. If it is something really small then they he says "Babe, you're right" and thats it. When it is something huge, its "Babe, I don't ever want to talk about this again". To me, I think its no big deal, and for his sake, I don't talk about whatever it is again.

But its not the issue itself but rather the fact that he was wrong.

[Zee Bee 61]

Also, another thing, when he gets really mad, he says that he does not want to say anything because he does not want to say something that he would regret.

I'm not sure what he is 'saving face' for though. Is it that he does not want to be seen as getting out of control? Or not being able to control the situation? Or not wanting to be in the argument in the first place?