Loving the African male

[ara 0]

I admit it.....I'm lurking here. And, learning. Some of this stuff must be universal. My husband likes to say "you keep it".

Hey Jomo,

You are most definately not a lurker here. When I was in Africa, I was pleasantly surprised to notice we (from Latin America and the Caribe) acted very much like people there. Even some of the myths, gestures, foods, and habits were exactly the same. I tell everyone that it must be the DNA. That sucking of the teeth thing (tcho) was everywhere. So you fit in with us

I had to laugh I thought my husband was the only one who sucked his teeth.

[ara 0]

I hear you on the space thing. I have 2 closets stuffed full of clothes and am currently sorting out some to give away.

I am trying to declutter and give him his own "man space " where he can retreat to if we both are having a bad moment or just to do whatever.

I am thinking here they practically come with the clothes on their backs and a suit case and everything in this entire house is me and my stuff.

My house is small but has 4 bedrooms. I want him to have the 2 bedrooms and do whatever with them. I want him to feel at home and see his own

things.

I just don't want a million tech gadgets overtaking the living room...... I can see it now......

My kitchen is a real challenge and drives me nuts. The laptop sits on my table with papers arranged in piles serving like a desk. I eat wherever.

This won't fly with him ! I really have to get organized soon. I have lived alone for so long.

No, I never heard the phrase ' no free lunch ' from him. He will probably think he has to pay for every lunch when I say that

I thought I had made plenty of space for My husband before he got here. But I have to say now our closet is a nightmare.

For Christmas my family totally spoiled him with clothes and shoes. I have a small one bedroom apartment and we have just totally grown out of it. We are going to have to tough it out till he starts work but I don't know what to do with all our stuff and that closet is driving me crazy.

[Simply_Uno 1]

Now see, here y'all go again talking about important issues. I have finally reclaimed "my space" (I have had it for about 2 years now).

It is just me and my 3 boys (ages 17,14,and 8). And we don't bother each other at all.

My place is a 3 bedroom townhouse with a full basement. My husband is not familiar with a basement , but when I described it to him, he wanted to know if I can rent it out to another family, I'm like "hell nawl!" "Why would I want to do that!?"

He thinks my place is "plenty big." I beg to differ. I already know we are going to have to move to a four bedroom so that I can maintain my "UNO land!" Just to keep my sanity.

I also have a king size bed, so I'm use to having space, I don't know how the sleeping is going to work out either. {I can see me now, attempting to roll over in the middle of the night and him being right there, and me saying "don't you have some where else to be?" }

Y'all pray for me, 'cuz its hard sharing my space!

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Now see, here y'all go again talking about important issues. I have finally reclaimed "my space" (I have had it for about 2 years now).

It is just me and my 3 boys (ages 17,14,and 8). And we don't bother each other at all.

My place is a 3 bedroom townhouse with a full basement. My husband is not familiar with a basement , but when I described it to him, he wanted to know if I can rent it out to another family, I'm like "hell nawl!" "Why would I want to do that!?"

He thinks my place is "plenty big." I beg to differ. I already know we are going to have to move to a four bedroom so that I can maintain my "UNO land!" Just to keep my sanity.

I also have a king size bed, so I'm use to having space, I don't know how the sleeping is going to work out either. {I can see me now, attempting to roll over in the middle of the night and him being right there, and me saying "don't you have some where else to be?" }

Y'all pray for me, 'cuz its hard sharing my space!

That's so funny. Bassi thinks I have plenty of space too. I don't have the same issue though, cause I've shared my space my whole life. It's just sharing it with a different person now. Bassi has also had roommates his whole life and is one of 8 kids so he's used to sharing too. I think he'd be lonely living all alone. But he's not used to the amount of space in my house. He thinks it's too big for me, my daughter and my fat cat! But we intend to add more kids and I tend to plan for the future. So, we'll grow into it.

Anyone else here have young kids? My daughter is five and I've begun training her not to barge into mama's room. She comes and goes at her leisure. Sometimes I roll over at night and she's there on Bassi's pillow. I told her she's supposed to knock on the door before she comes in, but she's never had to so she's having trouble. She and her father were not sharing a bed by the time she was born, so she's not even aware or accustomed to male/female relationships. It bothers her to see Bassi kiss my cheek so she'll spend a lot of time adjusting. She thinks she is the only one that is supposed to show me physical affection.

[chispas 0]

Wow,

I'd admit that we didn't have these discussions on Sub-S when I was waiting for my husband. I thought I had covered all the bases by going to a blended-family program the year before he came. When he came, it was still strange to have yet another person walking around "my" room or "my" kitchen without asking "my" permission. each time. However, the situation that might catch you off-guard, is when family and friends visit "his house". I was taken by surprise when his family came to visit and acted like I was not par of the equation in my own kitchen. They were used to visiting him at his family house and what was his was theirs. So it was tough when family bombarded my kitchen and started banging their forks or scraping the knives on my "good" china. Why the "good" china, because they ran out of plates and those were available.

[Zee Bee 61]

Sharing my space with a boy is going to be very interesting seeing that I have no experience behind me

I feel you on the family Chispas. I have a bunch of Ghanaian guy friends that I went to college with. Almost everyday, without fail, one would call and ask what I am making for dinner and invite himself and a few of his closest friends over (of course I never knew about the friends until they walked in the door ). Others got wind of my feedings and soon it started becoming a weekly thing with them coming over and hanging out. It was always a circus but it was so much fun. Since I moved away I have been cherishing my quiet time but once my fiance gets here I know we will have streams of visitors (he has plenty of family and friends that live within 2 hours of Philly).

[typee0 0]

Hi All

I get in later in the day and enjoy reading up on things. Honestly so much info has helped me. Comments on the space thing had me laughing. I have been going over this for a while. I am a pack rat. My nosey neighbors wanted to know why one person wanted so much house, my comment was I needed space for my self. My sweetie states that we are so used to having big spaces. I never had to share anything as a child and went into the army so that I could learn to work and share as a team. I find that we both like our quiet times, I find we are similar in that area.

I do suggest ladies that we all take time to reconsider our learned behaviors (argumentive ways) and be grateful that we are not dealing with men who like drama, or will keep drama going with us. So let us not start useless arguements. It is really unhealthy and so much negative energy. It is just not worth it. Spend time doing something more worthwhile.

Keep God at the forefront of your marriage

Health and Wellness to All

I think it will be 2 wks till my book arrives.

[chispas 0]

Sharing my space with a boy is going to be very interesting seeing that I have no experience behind me

Do you make Philly Cheese steaks too?

[Simply_Uno 1]

Hey Y'all,

I know this is about the "book club", but I have a question. Does the book address the "space" issues, I do believe you all touched upon the sending *cough* money *choke* back *cough* home issue (ahem) .

Moving on, does it also discuss things like helping our SO adjust to western world norms, social issues, politics, and the difference between what the media pumps in to their country (BET, Videos, and such) and what true reality is? Alot of my husbands family and friends seem to think that I eat spinach and ####### "benjamins" on a whim .

When I try to explain how things really are to them, I get the *feeling* that they think that I am lying about our "poverty". My husband has even told me "how can you compare poverty in the united states with poverty in africa ?" He just does not get "it ."

Another thing, and forgive me for rambling, but...my husband has a degree in engineering , he seems to think that he can just command a job because he is "educated." His english is okay, (I understand him), but his grammer could use some brushing up, how do I explain to him that he is still not upto par with our written language .

I suggested that he take an ESL class and he blew it off .

I am mighty afraid that he is going to have a cultural melt down due to his perceived notions about america .

Okay, I am done.

(next person, to the mic) .

p.s. is this book on tape or cd?

[chispas 0]

Chispas at the mic for a sec.

I can't wait to read the book to see what it says about all of our concerns, but in the meantime I can try to explain the language portion. You are right about the language question. I taught ESL many years ago for a local University where the students already had degrees from XYZ country. One of the groups of teachers I had were representatives from various African countries, both English and French-speaking. One reoccurring issue was some teachers felt insulted to have to take classes in English, being so educated already.

Those who wouldn’t follow the curriculum ended up failing and not being able to get their certificates. Other enterprising ones paid others to write their papers for them and moved on. So, it will be up to your husband to find himself floundering or people not being able to understand him so he can get the point. If he intends to go through a program to “brush” up on his skills, then you may be able to encourage him to take advanced ESL classes. All depends on how quickly he, and his family, realizes the realities of life here.

Expect that he will see the "light" once he arrives and prepare for the meltdown. You do have the advantage of looking ahead and asking questions "before" the issues arise. So now you can sort of steer him in a healthy direction based on your knowledge. If you think he won't listen to you, have a trusted wise male friend/family member available who won't mind talking with him. The operative word here is "wise" male friend/family member.

[Ta Ta 1]

Uno, no the book does not address space issues, nor does it cover "reality check we're not rich here issues."

It just covers the "money will get send period " issues.

The way I dealt with this was to tell him all my debt.........and income, over and over again. When he heard how much I owe he said for someone to have that much debt over here he would have to be a very rich person.

He totally gets it now. For some it will take cold hard reality to hit them when they are here and then some will sometimes go into a depression until they recoup from their busted bubble of an easy life. They don't get the constant work , work , work and little vacation time and the fact that they can't wander in late for work or get off as easy as in their home country. Once they realize this it will flow easier. I have heard a lot of complains from immigrants in this matter, not just Africans.

My fiance also understands that he will have to start at any job available and work himself up the ladder. The education level of an engineer just does not cut it here a lot of times and the humility and embarrassment about not getting hired can be great and can produce hostility and irritability.

They may be a big man there in front of everyone but here they can feel like a nobody and it takes great patience to stand behind them in support.

It is def an ego buster to a man.

ESL taken here would give him something to do while waiting for a job.

No, the book does not come in audio or video. You can get the author as a speaker though.

[ForeverAmen 0]

Wow,

I'd admit that we didn't have these discussions on Sub-S when I was waiting for my husband. I thought I had covered all the bases by going to a blended-family program the year before he came. When he came, it was still strange to have yet another person walking around "my" room or "my" kitchen without asking "my" permission. each time. However, the situation that might catch you off-guard, is when family and friends visit "his house". I was taken by surprise when his family came to visit and acted like I was not par of the equation in my own kitchen. They were used to visiting him at his family house and what was his was theirs. So it was tough when family bombarded my kitchen and started banging their forks or scraping the knives on my "good" china. Why the "good" china, because they ran out of plates and those were available.

I know the feeling!

Edited January 17, 2008 by Boaz

[Simply_Uno 1]

To Chis' and 'Moba, you all have just been enlisted as my "cyber mentors" for your loving, understanding and in your face explanations. Uno thanx you

uummm....Omoba, you said I can "get the author as a speaker", question for you..."where is he going to speak, in my living room?

Edited January 17, 2008 by unononehigher

[chispas 0]

Gracias,

This is my third time trying to post this without my laptop blinking out. My mentors are so many to mention here. I will tell you I have a prayer guard lifting me up at every turn. Omoba, Boaz, Idocare, Bensa.., taureen, Mrs.jib, Zee and Guianese girl too. More when the laptop cools off. You will find that it takes an army to marry one person from the village.

[Ta Ta 1]

To Chis' and 'Moba, you all have just been enlisted as my "cyber mentors" for your loving, understanding and in your face explanations. Uno thanx you

uummm....Omoba, you said I can "get the author as a speaker", question for you..."where is he going to speak, in my living room?

I just knew you were going to ask me that girl .....I knew it !

You can have him speak if you can find a big enough group of peeps in the same situation. None here so I can't.

There are some African churches who may have members with American wives, however , he is a secular speaker so he must tone

down some of his views when preaching to the choir or it won't fly.........more on that later. He really does go around to speak to groups.