why oh, why wont she have some fun

[ForeverAmen 0]

Are you serious, where are your morales and values.

[His Glory 25]

hello all,

I am not on the "visajourney" per se', but I have a very close friend who is. she met a guy, traveled to his country (ghana), got married, and she is now on her visa journey to bring him to the states. I am not hatin' on that at all. But my question or questions are:

1) he is there in ghana, she is here in the states, why wont she go on a date with some nice guys that want to show her a good time (sex not necessarily included) instead of sitting around pulling her eyebrows out during these stressful times?

2)okay, now for the sex issues, she does not know if he is getting some on the side while she is spending her money and time trying to get him here, so what is the big deal with having relations with someone who is understanding to her situation until he gets here? (he wont know what she is doing or done anyway)

3) why is it that USC have to spend their money to get their "love interests" here in the first place, can't they subsidize the cost of the paperwork themselves instead of the USC's spending their time and money on this heart wrenching and confusing task?

Now please, don't come out of a bag on me, I am just asking some questions. Like I said, she is my friend and I hate to see her go through this, it seems like torture from my perspective. And I am just trying to get a clear perspective on why she is putting such an effort into this scenario, while denying her self some of the simple pleasures in life, and not knowing what he is doing alllllll the way over there and they are not "living together" as husband and wife yet. I could totally understand if they actually knew eachother, had a history and were sharing a domicile.

Are you a female or male friend? And I have some issues with the lines in Ghana too. False rings and cut offs etc...It can be disturbing....I get all upset wondering why he turned off all the phones and not answering texts and its the system there especially if there is over cast or a storm here in cali. I got a text yesterday that he sent to me 2 days previous! I cant tell you how many misunderstandings we had over issues like that. There are times we will not agree on something and we are madly texting then come to a compromise or agreement and calm down only to get a delayed text the next day and think the other has changed their mind about the issue and we start all over again

You had the right and opportunity to voice your concerns when your friend was dating but now that she is married you have the responsiblity to be supportive. She has made a commitment and it is sacred to her and you have to respect that as her friend. If you dont respect the boundaries she has set you will find yourself really an outsider when her husband comes home. You may not be very welcomed in their home. Its ok to watch and look out for her thats what friends are for but even if it was the most horrible marriage in the world you couldnt "make" her see it. As for her suspicions, it comes from him being so far away and missing the intimacy and they can be groundless but it doesnt help that you are there adding to it and causing more stress. If you truly see your friend is in some type of danger then by all means talk to her but be careful of your approach cause believe me she has heard sermons and advice from even total strangers once they hear she married an African and is going through immigration issues, so if you come with the same biased and ignorant remarks she has heard 1,000 times she will shut you out.

Its really great you are trying to understand her and her situation because your advice will sit well with her because it will informed. But truly, just give her some support. You may find out that this guy is a great guy and will make her and good husband. If it doesnt work out she will turn to you for comfort. We all fall on our butts sometimes

[Queen Jenn 0]

I can understand your concern about your friend. The very best thing you can do for her is to support her decision, even if you don't understand it.

If you've never tried to call someone in West Africa, you won't understand the "fake rings" the cut-offs and the times when the number simply won't work for days. My fiance has three different sim cards. After the first time his number didn't work for two days he said he would never go that long without communicating with me again!!

You don't have to go clubbing or dancing to spend time with her. Go to a movie. Go shopping together. Go out to dinner. She probably doesn't want to go to clubs or go dancing because she is married and "off the market" as you said. Support her decision to do that. If you really want to be close to her, try to learn about the culture of her husband. It will be HUGELY helpful after he gets here.

I hope the two of you are able to remain friends. All of us with foreign husbands/fiances get obsessed with the approval notices and we get frustrated with how long it takes. Be there for your friend. Try to understand where she is coming from. Becuase right now what she really needs is a friend who understands.

[BESANGIN 0]

Only thing I can say is that I have learned that the only stupid question is a question not asked. That's why I stunk so bad in MATH!!! TOO embarassed to ask a question. So I say you are doing the right thing for your friend by educating yourself to her new life and new world. We all have different morals and values here, but please never feel scared or ashamed to post. I'd like to think that we are a family of non judgemental people who agree to disagree and accept each other for who we all are, and that is imperfect people struggling to live life in the most fulfilling way possible. So keep learning and keep supporting your friend.

[aVJ'ersfriend 0]

lets see. I am a woman. I had very strong morals and values. where did they get me. cheated on, beat up, financially, emotionally, and psychologically exploited and isolated . I committed myself to someone once, maybe twice because I thought he (at the time) was the one. so my relationship morals, values and ethics got thrown in the garbage after they got shot to sh!t . why don't I go to ghana...what for, I did not lose anything there or find anything there . I'm not trying to make her see anything, I'm trying to understand what it is that she sees and how she sees things . and I did go directly to her and lovenly ask questions, obviously I still could not wrap my mind around her new level of consciousness which is why I eventually came here . we do go shopping, we rent movies over going to the theaters, and I miss us clubbing because 1) she is a plus size sister who dresses very neatly and 2) when she dances, she is a very intoxicating and sultry dancer and she can pull any man, even those that are not into plus size women, so we used to get a kick out of whole thing. and I think the other issue is this, she used to sing in a choir (community choir in chicago, she had a lot of male friends, who just doted on her. she met her last boyfriend of ten years before the guy she married and he misused her so badly, she quit sangin. I just don't want her to lose herself and her essence and let another one of her gifts go because of a man). so if that makes me a bad "friend" okay, I'll be that. and by the way, my friends moniker is "uno" (I don't know if any of you know her at all). she gave me permission to state her name. I was just waiting for the right time to do so. she is a strong woman, but the little girl on the inside needs comforting and sheltering. as her friend, I just want to do my best. oh and to the person who thinks she'll be mad at me, she is not like that, one thing about her is this, if a person is asking questions to be enlightened, she has no problems with that, what she does not like is willful ignorance or selective stupidity.

thank you.

[Zee Bee 61]

It is only natural for you to be concerned about her especially if what you think she is doing is out of character for her. I also became different during this process, to the point that my mom voiced her concerns about me.

It is a good thing that you have such a great open relationship with her. Like I said before, she needs you to be there to support her.

[chispas 0]

Hello All

I am a late to the conversation, so if I am repeating something somebody has already mentioned please accept my apology. I will ask you "friend" if you and your "friend" would see a counselor together? Church counselor etc. The reason why I mention this, is that I feel there are two separate issues here. One is mourning the loss of a friendship and the other is trying to obtain clarity from your friend's recent behavior. I think the VJ family can give much insight to the visa process and explain much about our feelings and experiences with an SO from another country. However, I believe that if you can find understanding in the friendship realm you will continue to be the friend when hubby arrives, when they have kids, fights and making up after the fights.

VJ is just one step to many more steps because everything does not end with the issuance of that VISA.

[Imua 0]

As to your friend's immediate physical 'needs' there is an entire industry and shops devoted to satisfying them without breaking her sacred marriage vows... She can even buy such devices discreetly at Amazon and have them sent to her workplace and people will think she was only ordering the latest Harry Potter book...

Duracell is missing out on a HUGE opportunity by not advertising on this site...

But then of course I wouldn't know anything about these things from personal experience *cough*, just something my girlfriends have informed me about, knowing that I am in an LDR myself...

Edited January 7, 2008 by Pattu Rani

[Alex+R 0]

I think you're in love with your friend!

[knl 0]

I think you're in love with your friend!

[His Glory 25]

lets see. I am a woman. I had very strong morals and values. where did they get me. cheated on, beat up, financially, emotionally, and psychologically exploited and isolated . I committed myself to someone once, maybe twice because I thought he (at the time) was the one. so my relationship morals, values and ethics got thrown in the garbage after they got shot to sh!t . why don't I go to ghana...what for, I did not lose anything there or find anything there . I'm not trying to make her see anything, I'm trying to understand what it is that she sees and how she sees things . and I did go directly to her and lovenly ask questions, obviously I still could not wrap my mind around her new level of consciousness which is why I eventually came here . we do go shopping, we rent movies over going to the theaters, and I miss us clubbing because 1) she is a plus size sister who dresses very neatly and 2) when she dances, she is a very intoxicating and sultry dancer and she can pull any man, even those that are not into plus size women, so we used to get a kick out of whole thing. and I think the other issue is this, she used to sing in a choir (community choir in chicago, she had a lot of male friends, who just doted on her. she met her last boyfriend of ten years before the guy she married and he misused her so badly, she quit sangin. I just don't want her to lose herself and her essence and let another one of her gifts go because of a man). so if that makes me a bad "friend" okay, I'll be that. and by the way, my friends moniker is "uno" (I don't know if any of you know her at all). she gave me permission to state her name. I was just waiting for the right time to do so. she is a strong woman, but the little girl on the inside needs comforting and sheltering. as her friend, I just want to do my best. oh and to the person who thinks she'll be mad at me, she is not like that, one thing about her is this, if a person is asking questions to be enlightened, she has no problems with that, what she does not like is willful ignorance or selective stupidity.

thank you.

You may hate the hangover but I bet you miss being in love like that, huh? Even if its not something you would do, let her have her moment. You sound like a good friend to go through all this trouble so just be there for her when she needs someone to listen or help pick up the pieces afterward. And if she gets hurt she is grown. She made the decision and she is sticking to it. Its a shame you gave anyone the power to strip you all those valuable things, im sorry to hear that.

[Bashorun 1]

Hello All

I am a late to the conversation, so if I am repeating something somebody has already mentioned please accept my apology. I will ask you "friend" if you and your "friend" would see a counselor together? Church counselor etc. The reason why I mention this, is that I feel there are two separate issues here. One is mourning the loss of a friendship and the other is trying to obtain clarity from your friend's recent behavior. I think the VJ family can give much insight to the visa process and explain much about our feelings and experiences with an SO from another country. However, I believe that if you can find understanding in the friendship realm you will continue to be the friend when hubby arrives, when they have kids, fights and making up after the fights.

VJ is just one step to many more steps because everything does not end with the issuance of that VISA.

Damn, chipas U spoke my mind. I hope she is not going to be too involve with her friends marital life that will cause their marriage more problems when he arrives cos it seems she is tryin to be a god mother to a married woman. This can lead to wrong advise when normal everyday issues couples have start arising after they start living as husband and wife.

My advise to the OP is respect a marriage even if it is made from another planet. U might have been friend from diapers but once she is married and has that man's name attached to hers, remember now that ur friendship goes into another chapter and try as much as U can to stay away from their marital matters. What am trying to say is that U shouldn't be the one to jump into concluding for ur friend on what her husband is or is not.

I just have a big feeling of future problems that might get worse by a wrong advise from a long time friend. Don't U think that it's I time U get urself a man to keep U occupied and less interfering with people's marital life? We ain't getting younger and sometimes the clubing and game playin gets old and we want to start thinking about a family, becos we don't find that fun on the dancing floor no more. From reading ur post, it seems you are angry with the fact and you feel like this man from Ghana is keeping ur friend from enjoying what you both would normally enjoy, like going to clubs and having fun together. For this reason you starting to hate him and trying to have her cheat on him. Please don't think am trying to be rude, No am not but just trying to make U understand that there will be a time when ur friend and her husband will be going thru some adjustments (both cultural and personality wise) and that adjustment doesn't come easy, it comes with misunderstanding and during that process they will get to see the real life and get to love each other better if they're strong enough. Do urself a favor, don't get too involve during this process. And if afterall it didn't work between them, let them find this themselves and decide wherever they want to head in the marriage. I hope U understand what im saying here? Since U asked a question and been that I have experience this process, I have decided to add more answers to what U don't know yet and will encounter later on.

[Bashorun 1]

I totally agree that the only stupid question is a question not asked but at the same time I must add that a stupid question will always get a stupid answer.

[Simply_Uno 1]

Oh Wow, I have been away from you guys and already you are talking about me behind my back, LOL.

Well now, where do I start.

Yes, I have been through the ringer in some very bad and detrimental relationships, since my "friend" had to put me on blast, and yes, I have taken my self off of the market, and....NO, I am not going to entertain the adult "alternative recreation devices" industry, thank you very much "Patti" it was a nice touch though

Lets see, to "Alex and KNL" she is not in love with me, she just loves me as a little sister...and that is just wierd, eewwwww

To "Chis, Zee, Efia, Be, Queen, Omoba" and everyone else,

I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY CYBER HEART for explaining this to my associate, *cough* friend since "diapers". I can't believe she actually put that in here . I have been attempting to enlighten her on the aspects of my new life and all that it entails, but being from chi-town and having to adopt/adapt to the "fake it to make in order to survive" mentality is more than a mantra, if you are not strong enough, it can consume you and your psyche and thus manifesting itself into your life.

I broke away from the majority of that and took lifes lessons with me, I cut loose some very toxic people and I only kept around those that were tried and true.

The young lady that started this thread, they don't come no more tried and no more truer.

She is definitely a ride or die chick from the west side of chicago and I thank God for her, and for her keeping me grounded.

So that being said, this thread can close now if the MODs' see fit.

Peace to everyone.

UNO

P.S. To Chis, you are very perceptive, she is not going to lose me or our friendship, just like I was blessed to have my comforter manifested in my husband, she is gaining an extension of me, manifested in my husband who is going to love her as one of his sisters.

She and I have/had to learn to stop punishing everyman for what we did not get from our fathers or past relationships and allow God to bring people (husbands/wives) into our lives and show us his (Gods) love and then learn how to accept his (Gods) love through these people.

[His Glory 25]

She and I have/had to learn to stop punishing everyman for what we did not get from our fathers or past relationships and allow God to bring people (husbands/wives) into our lives and show us his (Gods) love and then learn how to accept his (Gods) love through these people.

Amen to that.