why oh, why wont she have some fun

[aVJ'ersfriend 0]

hello all,

I am not on the "visajourney" per se', but I have a very close friend who is. she met a guy, traveled to his country (ghana), got married, and she is now on her visa journey to bring him to the states. I am not hatin' on that at all. But my question or questions are:

1) he is there in ghana, she is here in the states, why wont she go on a date with some nice guys that want to show her a good time (sex not necessarily included) instead of sitting around pulling her eyebrows out during these stressful times?

2)okay, now for the sex issues, she does not know if he is getting some on the side while she is spending her money and time trying to get him here, so what is the big deal with having relations with someone who is understanding to her situation until he gets here? (he wont know what she is doing or done anyway)

3) why is it that USC have to spend their money to get their "love interests" here in the first place, can't they subsidize the cost of the paperwork themselves instead of the USC's spending their time and money on this heart wrenching and confusing task?

Now please, don't come out of a bag on me, I am just asking some questions. Like I said, she is my friend and I hate to see her go through this, it seems like torture from my perspective. And I am just trying to get a clear perspective on why she is putting such an effort into this scenario, while denying her self some of the simple pleasures in life, and not knowing what he is doing alllllll the way over there and they are not "living together" as husband and wife yet. I could totally understand if they actually knew eachother, had a history and were sharing a domicile.

[Kanyiri 0]

Honestly?

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Are you serious?

*cough*

Your friend is MARRIED to this man. Obviously she loves him and wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

Why would you even come here asking this?

You are actually advocating that she should cheat on her husband until he gets here? Nice move.

Has your friend voiced to you that she thinks he's cheating? Yes, this process is a hard and long journey but when you love someone, you will go through anything to be together.

[reeses16 8]

Why do you think you're friend is denying herself the "small pleasures in life" Is she distant? Not eating? Depressed? Remaining faithful to her husband (regardless of your feelings about how they met, why they're together and how fast they were married) is not denying herself. Its maintaining the committment that she made and building a strong marriage.

(1) You did say you're friend is married, correct? Why on earth would you encourage her to date?! She's married! It doesn't matter whether or not sex is involved.

IF you want to help her deal with stress, hang out with her. Invite her to dinner, catch a movie, have girls night out (she's married, and not interested in picking up men, respect that)

(2) You've got to be kidding about having sex with someone who understands until he gets here right? Of course she doesn't know what he's doing all the way in Ghana. But people live in the same house and sleep in the same bed and don't know what the other is doing (ie. people cheating, marriage ending in divorce). Keep in mind he doesn't know what she is doing either.

You say, "so what is the big deal with having relations with someone who is understanding to her situation until he gets here? (he wont know what she is doing or done anyway)." If he had sex with someone else and you found out, you would think he was the worst person on earth and that they should not stay married, right? Why would you encourage you friend to do the very thing that you say you're worried he's doing.

(3) You asked, "why is it that USC have to spend their money to get their "love interests" here in the first place, can't they subsidize the cost of the paperwork themselves instead of the USC's spending their time and money on this heart wrenching and confusing task?" First, what your friend spends her money on is not your business, unless she owes you money and is not paying you. Second, it depends on the country. Many VJers have a significant other from another country that earns more money than they do, and receive money from that person. I think the point is that married (and engaged!) people share money and when one is lacking, the other gives.

Finally, you said , "I could totally understand if they actually knew each other, had a history and were sharing a domicile." I want to remind you that they don't. If you want to be a good friend, just be supportive. You don't have to understand to be supportive.

Edited January 6, 2008 by reeses16

[JVKn'CVO 11]

1) Because she is married. Married people don't date (well, at least, they shouldn't...)

2) That's called adultery

3) a married couple's finances is none of your business

Saludos,

Caro

[Zee Bee 61]

hello all,

I am not on the "visajourney" per se', but I have a very close friend who is. she met a guy, traveled to his country (ghana), got married, and she is now on her visa journey to bring him to the states. I am not hatin' on that at all. But my question or questions are:

1) he is there in ghana, she is here in the states, why wont she go on a date with some nice guys that want to show her a good time (sex not necessarily included) instead of sitting around pulling her eyebrows out during these stressful times?

2)okay, now for the sex issues, she does not know if he is getting some on the side while she is spending her money and time trying to get him here, so what is the big deal with having relations with someone who is understanding to her situation until he gets here? (he wont know what she is doing or done anyway)

3) why is it that USC have to spend their money to get their "love interests" here in the first place, can't they subsidize the cost of the paperwork themselves instead of the USC's spending their time and money on this heart wrenching and confusing task?

Now please, don't come out of a bag on me, I am just asking some questions. Like I said, she is my friend and I hate to see her go through this, it seems like torture from my perspective. And I am just trying to get a clear perspective on why she is putting such an effort into this scenario, while denying her self some of the simple pleasures in life, and not knowing what he is doing alllllll the way over there and they are not "living together" as husband and wife yet. I could totally understand if they actually knew eachother, had a history and were sharing a domicile.

You have got to be kidding me!

Encouraging your "friend" to cheat on her husband does not sound like being a friend to me. She loves him and trusts him and that is enough. Love is more than living in the same place and seeing each other everyday. It is trusting that the other person, no matter where they are, will do anything and everything to make sure the relationship works.

What makes you think her husband is not being faithful to her?

Maybe it is you who have the problem.

Leave your friend in peace.

[Ta Ta 1]

never mind.......not even worth my time responding.

[aVJ'ersfriend 0]

Wow, I was just merely asking a few questions. Now let me see..."is she depressed" one of you asked. Well, yes in my opinion, I think so. She appears preoccupied all the time. She is constantly worrying about receiving a notification from immigration. Oh, and someone asked why would I or did I come here to ask these questions. Well lets see, who else should I asked but these wonderful Visa Journeyers she keeps telling me about. You all are so infomative she says, so intuitive she raves and full of worldly compassion she declares. So I decided to ask...forgive me for being on the outside looking in. So far, some of you are a tad bit hostile...geesh. I don't mean to sound like I'm encouraging her to "cheat" but seriously, can she really know he isn't getting anything on the side while she is going broke financially and emotionally waiting for his arrival. And I'm quite sure he knows she isn't getting any, she spends all of her money on phone cards calling him and sending him "care packages" and sometimes she even sends him money. So where is the logic in him thinking she can afford to take car of him and still mess around with someone else, that would be self defeating. Personally, I think he knows he has her hook line and sinker. And for those of you telling me to mind my business, she is my business. We have been friends since diapers. And I have always been there for her, no matter what. I just don't understand this new level she is on, so please stop persecuting me for my ignorance. And...and, I do encourage her to come out with me, but she wont go, she says that since she is married she has to take herself off of the market, so she wont go out clubbing and dancing (and believe me, she can dance very well and guys like dancing with her, nothing has to come of "the dance" but she wont participate, she wont flirt and there is nothing wrong with flirting as long as its innocent) Oh, about that comment about I made about her have "relations,", well, I know she has needs, she is human and vibrant.

And no, she did not say he was cheating on her, but there have been times she has called and he did not pick up the call immediately, however, he would call back like 10 minutes later saying the "ghana telecom" was displaying there jealousy again or something about the lights were out or something so nobody had electricity. Oh, and I don't really care how they met, internet, in a club, at a church or what have you, I don't frown on chance or divine meetings. But I hope I explained my reasoning for coming here and wanting to understand my friend better.

[Zee Bee 61]

Being her friend I would think you would support her. All of us on here can relate tothis process consuming us and our lives. The waiting is hard and if you do not have the luxury of seeing your SO often dealing with it can be hard. I understand her feeling of not wanting to go out, I have the same issues. My best friend lives 2 hours away from me and before all this we would see each other at least twice a month. Since I have started this process I have seen her only once.

I have had my share of ranting and raving about this process. Go to any of the monthly filer threads in the K1 forum and read them. Everyone is pissed/angry/depressed/fed up. Others are having a hard time dealing with the separation. Others have been hospitalized for anxiety/stress because of all this. Everyone deals with this in a different way and your friend is dealing with this the best way she knows how.

I am lucky enough to have friends and support that I can vent to outside these boards. My family and friends has been very supportive, helping me when I have lost all hope during this process, pulling me up when I felt nothing was going my way. My friends have been curious about the process, encouraging me and my fiance. Many of them are in contact with him and have been sending him messages of hope, telling him how much they are waiting for him to get his visa so that he can come over and see them. I have a friend who is doing her own count down to when he gets here.

On the other hand I have friends who have voiced the same things you have about being faithful. My answer "You don't know him so don't make assumptions".

I am assuming you have not had the pleasure of dealing with the phone network in Ghana. The simplest stupidest things knocks them out. When I call my fiance, sometimes I get what I call "fake rings". It rings but does not connect because the lines are down. A few minutes later, when the networks come back up, he gets a missed call from me and calls me back. Same goes for text messages, they get delayed. Sometimes it will be a few hors before he gets the text. That is the beauty of the networks in Ghana. Its not unusual and not a reason for suspicion.

My advice, listen to your friend and be supportive. Even if you do not understand what she is going through, being there to give her a hug when she needs it, sitting with her on a particularly hard day, reading up on the process and asking her questions, these are all little things that will help. One of the main reason VJ exists is because we do not know anyone in our lives that knows what we are going through. As much as we love having this resource and community, having someone we know, who is supportive and encourages us is always welcome.

[Ta Ta 1]

yes you have explained a little better.

Your frustration seems to be motivated by losing a buddy to hang with and now miss her when you go out to party, dance etc.

Things change when one commits and marries and the other remains single.

I hope you will support her in her choice and I hope she has made the right one.

The cheating suggestion is still way off base and mature adults can contain their 'needs', humans aren't rabbits and your friend is to be

commended for her morals and high standard of behavior.

There are such things as true and exclusive love. I can't imagine in my wildest dreams getting my needs met by anyone but the one I am in love with and committed to.

Never in a million years.

[aVJ'ersfriend 0]

Thank you all for answering my questions, attempting to understand where I am coming from and explaining some of the "ghana telecom" issues. I thought everyone in the world had service like we do in the U.S.A. except the people I see on national geographic. (please dont come out of a bag on me again, its just that the only exposure I've ever had with a real live native african is what I've seen on television...so when you don't know, you just don't know).

Alright, so I have to have a more global perspective. Just know that I do love her as a friend and sister, I have seen her go through the worst of the worst in relationships and when she loves someone, she loves them with every fibre of her being. She is the only person I know that doesn't give her love in doses, she gives it by the gallons. So I don't want to see her get hurt by some man from another country, she has been hurt enough by the ones here on our own soil. And again thank you all.

Bye for now.

P.S. I'll come back if I have any more quiries.

[knl 0]

I think avj'ersfriend should take a vacation to Ghana! Maybe that way she could try to better understand, some of the things she does not know. Like with the phone system and lights, boy she has no idea. I think it would be a great idea for her to meet her friends husband, family and friends. I promise avj'ersfriend would have a great time in Ghana, the people, food, lifestyle, ect.. you just don't know what you are missing out on. Who know's maybe you would meet a man there

Everyone else had great comments Zee and Omoba

By the way avj'ersfriend, if your friend comes here often, I bet she'll be along to read your post. Hope she's not mad a you for this. I probably would be.

[myangel2 0]

Are you serious, where are your morales and values.

[ForeverAmen 0]

hello all,

I am not on the "visajourney" per se', but I have a very close friend who is. she met a guy, traveled to his country (ghana), got married, and she is now on her visa journey to bring him to the states. I am not hatin' on that at all. But my question or questions are:

1) he is there in ghana, she is here in the states, why wont she go on a date with some nice guys that want to show her a good time (sex not necessarily included) instead of sitting around pulling her eyebrows out during these stressful times?

2)okay, now for the sex issues, she does not know if he is getting some on the side while she is spending her money and time trying to get him here, so what is the big deal with having relations with someone who is understanding to her situation until he gets here? (he wont know what she is doing or done anyway)

3) why is it that USC have to spend their money to get their "love interests" here in the first place, can't they subsidize the cost of the paperwork themselves instead of the USC's spending their time and money on this heart wrenching and confusing task?

Now please, don't come out of a bag on me, I am just asking some questions. Like I said, she is my friend and I hate to see her go through this, it seems like torture from my perspective. And I am just trying to get a clear perspective on why she is putting such an effort into this scenario, while denying her self some of the simple pleasures in life, and not knowing what he is doing alllllll the way over there and they are not "living together" as husband and wife yet. I could totally understand if they actually knew eachother, had a history and were sharing a domicile.

IMO if you want honest, straight forward answers then go directly to your friend.

[Donna A 4]

if she is uncomfortable clubbing and activities where men are involved and u want to spend time with her then go like to movies, out to lunch/dinner, shopping so u can still hang together.