had to share this

[truffles 2]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just forweddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking outthe stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you'rea seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in abowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for thesekids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you'rea dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this ####### at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Poursome scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now thebottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ### will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the #######.If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge #######.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposedto be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ###. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadlysins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, becausewatching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn'treally care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Doyou want fries with that?'

[~Chad~ 0]

:lol:

I love George Carlin, I love to watch him talk about airlines.

[Fandango 1,439]

ole Georgie's still got it!

[~Chad~ 0]

Caution, strong language.

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

I pretty much agree with all of those new rules.

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

New Rule: Put away the check book. It's 2008. And if you do use one in public don't look surprised when it's time to pay and start looking for it. (this happened to the lady in front of me yesterday)

[~Chad~ 0]

New Rule: Put away the check book. It's 2008. And if you do use one in public don't look surprised when it's time to pay and start looking for it. (this happened to the lady in front of me yesterday)

Excellent point Mr. Luckystrike. If you use a credit or debit card, keep the numbers on the card hidden in your hand, swipe it quick, then put it up. People have camera phones, doesn't flash or make much of a sound.

Sounds like common knowledge? Believe it or not-- it isn't.

[Aymerlu 3]

Those are great!

[Nizzy 1]

I could not agree more with the one about how people use months to relay their child's age. I just don't get it.

[Converse34 1]

Good list. Unfortunately, these are all by BILL MAHER and NOT George

Carlin

[truffles 2]

Well -sorry for any confusion - if they are from Bill rather than George what can i say!!! All i can tell you is this was relayed to me via a USC ! LOL

[Kazan' Tiger 1]

I'm completely in touch with this one. I have not written a check in over two years. Get with the times!

New Rule: Put away the check book. It's 2008. And if you do use one in public don't look surprised when it's time to pay and start looking for it. (this happened to the lady in front of me yesterday)

Excellent point Mr. Luckystrike. If you use a credit or debit card, keep the numbers on the card hidden in your hand, swipe it quick, then put it up. People have camera phones, doesn't flash or make much of a sound.

Sounds like common knowledge? Believe it or not-- it isn't.

[Krikit 1,164]

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: Men, tweeze your eyebrows. Here's how much women care about your eyebrows: Do you have one of them? Good, we're done.

[~Chad~ 0]

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: Men, tweeze your eyebrows. Here's how much women care about your eyebrows: Do you have one of them? Good, we're done.

[Amby 490]

good ones