Very sad :-(

[qwertya 0]

Hi guys,

I am very sad tonight maybe I can say a bit disappointed from my husband. I have dual citizenship US and European, my husband is from third part of country. (I have to mention also that I filed K-3 visa for him and still waiting on approval(dont want make a long story)). Anyway, we had argue this evening and in that whole conversation he told me that I am cold person and thats why he dont like americans and europeans. (He never said that before). I was and still I am sad, and disappointed but from the other side worried about what he said. Also I know that this long distance relationship(marriage) is very hard for all of us, but isnt that rude and shall I be concerned about what he said, or just accepted in some other way? In that whole argue I mention that we can get divorce, something that i dont want cause I love him.

[*JG* 2]

I am always concerned when a non-US citizen, who is immigrating to the US, makes rude comments about Americans from the get go. I really believe it is something that should be investigated before things move forward.

[Otto 83]

People say hurtful things when tempers flare. You should be more concerned about how you two communicate.

[Simply_Uno 1]

Hi guys,

I am very sad tonight maybe I can say a bit disappointed from my husband. I have dual citizenship US and European, my husband is from third part of country. (I have to mention also that I filed K-3 visa for him and still waiting on approval(dont want make a long story)). Anyway, we had argue this evening and in that whole conversation he told me that I am cold person and thats why he dont like americans and europeans. (He never said that before). I was and still I am sad, and disappointed but from the other side worried about what he said. Also I know that this long distance relationship(marriage) is very hard for all of us, but isnt that rude and shall I be concerned about what he said, or just accepted in some other way? In that whole argue I mention that we can get divorce, something that i dont want cause I love him.

I sympathize with you. I can not tell you what to do, I can only talk about me. If it were "UNO" in your situation, she would politely and sternly revisit the situation and ask my SO to explain what he meant by those words considering the fact that he "my husband" married a person of those nationalities.

And I would remind him that he wasn't hatin' on " americans and europeans" when he was knee deep in the "american/european" kitty listening to her puurrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

And if he truly felt that way he should never have proposed, your ethnicity and culture was not going to change after or during the marriage. And just as well as he can point out "negatives" in your culture, I'm quite sure you can point out some in his. If he would not like you disrespecting his background, what makes him feel you are going to tolerate him disrespecting yours.

Marriage is a constant work in progress that involves unconditional levels of respect, yielding, honor, and sacrifice. Love only opens the door to marriage, once you walk through that door, then the "Work" starts.

[Jesse and Hema 2]

I'm sure there was just a lot of words and insults thrown around in a moment of anger. It happens to everybody (except me, because I'm perfect )

You need to discuss the America-hating comments for sure if he plans to immigrate here!! And mostly, you might want to start working on strengthening communication skills during stressful/trying times in the relationship. The hard times and disagreements can "make or break" a relationship.

Good luck!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Although it was a sh!tty thing to say, he probably didn't mean it. I'd have a talk with him when you are calm and composed and tell him how insulted and belittled you felt by his generalization. I would think that over time, married couples who come from different cultures or countries eventually look past the veneer and see each other, not as labels, but as unique individuals.

[♥Sora_9_Dam3a♥ 0]

...as was mentioned---ppl say things when they're angry all the time...

also, that's a comment that's made by almost allllllll non-Americans..i've heard it sooooo many times...I was born and raised here and I've heard it from so many different people from so many different places....and even within america, ppl categorize different states...like new york for example [not saying anything bad about ny...i love nyc!!!! born and raised there ]...anyway...don't take it to heart.

the long distance thing is tough, especially with a temper involved...like someone else mentioned earlier...you should definitely have a talk when you're both calm about that...and generally, don't get upset over something that was said during an arguement...if he hated americans and europeans sooo much...he would NOT be married to youuu....

cheer up i know being so far makes it more difficult, but just be patient and don't let it get to you...

wish you all the best!!! take care! happy new year!!!

[qwertya 0]

First of all, I want to thank you for all your responds, advices, supports...

I love my husband so much and I know that he loves me also, but the thing is that we "dont know" each other very well.(We met online and saw each other twice before marriage. It was only a month that we lived together,after that I came back to US and start with the visa process). So, not just from my side, he has the same feeling as me, that he is ((not)) trusting me, but there is a always a "little devil" on your back of your mind that is bothers you.....do I have to trust or not?!?!?! Thats why "sometimes" I am trying to be "rude"(whatever he calls me) just to see how he is gonna react in a given situation, but believe me guys I am very emotional person and sometimes the feeling that I have inside are stronger then me, I feel sad, but I act rude.

Communication in between us is OK, we not argue always, but whatever happen last night, hurts me a lot, and I know he feels the same way.

I couldnt sleep last night at all, didnt call him ( I dont know is it good or not, but I am not planning to call him), didnt receive any call from him today also, I cant concentrate to my work......is just really, really sad day for me.

I want to thanks again to all of you, wanna wish you a Happy New Year and lets leave behind the whole bad thing that happen to us in 2007 and start new, better, happier life in 2008.

If any of you came up with some any idea how will react in my situation, is more then wellcome to post.

Thanks again!!!...and wish you all dreams to come true in the New Year!!!

[JCardenas 0]

If "verbal abuse" and "Racial Descrimination" is evident, think with your head and not with your heart, before the problem becomes a lot bigger. Remember that the mouth speaks out what lives in the heart.

Don't feel sad, lift your head, smile , and if you want re-start everything from Zero and then make a decision. Good Luck, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

you wrote:

"Thats why "sometimes" I am trying to be "rude"(whatever he calls me) just to see how he is gonna react in a given situation, but believe me guys I am very emotional person and sometimes the feeling that I have inside are stronger then me, I feel sad, but I act rude."

It is hard when you are in a relationship to open up your inner self and be vulnerable with your partner, especially when you are in a long-distance relationship. It sounds like you are still afraid of being vulnerable and sharing your intimate (not physically) self as well, which may be why you 'challenge' him by being rude. Unfortunately, this doesn't help communications at all since your partner may not recognize how vulnerable you feel. It might help to remember that he too is feeling very vulnerable - he is risking everything he knows for something that is new and strange and unfamiliar - and if he feels threatened by your 'rudeness', he may well be rude in return. It is his way of 'protecting' himself.

If you feel you were rude to him or responded rudely, you may wish to be the one to break this impasse and call him. You can apologize for being rude and perhaps explain to him why you are. This may allow him to feel a bit more safe and share some more of his feelings as well.

You say communications between you are fine but if you and he are both unhappy then there is room for improvement. It takes courage and love to allow yourself to be vulnerable with the person you love because you know you can be hurt. You are already feeling hurt so take the risk and reach out to him. Show him by your words that you are willing to apologize and clear the air so the relationship can move forward.

Marriage is about a lot of these little encounters. It is harder at a distance, yes, but it may help you feel 'closer'.

Good luck and may you have a happy New Year.

[♥Sora_9_Dam3a♥ 0]

First of all, I want to thank you for all your responds, advices, supports...

I love my husband so much and I know that he loves me also, but the thing is that we "dont know" each other very well.(We met online and saw each other twice before marriage. It was only a month that we lived together,after that I came back to US and start with the visa process). So, not just from my side, he has the same feeling as me, that he is ((not)) trusting me, but there is a always a "little devil" on your back of your mind that is bothers you.....do I have to trust or not?!?!?! Thats why "sometimes" I am trying to be "rude"(whatever he calls me) just to see how he is gonna react in a given situation, but believe me guys I am very emotional person and sometimes the feeling that I have inside are stronger then me, I feel sad, but I act rude.

Communication in between us is OK, we not argue always, but whatever happen last night, hurts me a lot, and I know he feels the same way.

I couldnt sleep last night at all, didnt call him ( I dont know is it good or not, but I am not planning to call him), didnt receive any call from him today also, I cant concentrate to my work......is just really, really sad day for me.

I want to thanks again to all of you, wanna wish you a Happy New Year and lets leave behind the whole bad thing that happen to us in 2007 and start new, better, happier life in 2008.

If any of you came up with some any idea how will react in my situation, is more then wellcome to post.

Thanks again!!!...and wish you all dreams to come true in the New Year!!!

i know i'm a few days late...but about calling him...i think you definitely should.

it could just be me, but it's really reallyyyy difficult for me to hold a grudge against my husband...even if we ever argue and get annoyed at each other, i feel that the best thing to do is deal with it right then and there, talk it out, and just forget it. we won't ever mention it again...if it was something he did that annoyed me--he won't ever do it again...if i did something and saw it bothered him, i just won't do it again...

life is tooooo short to hold grudges, especially between husband and wife...so, in my opinion, "kiss and make up"

of course, if it's something that keeps coming up between you two...then it's not that easy to just kiss and make up--but i think when you deal with all the smaller problems, you can kind of avoid the development of a bigger one.....but that's just my opinion..

good luck with everything!

happy new year!

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Nah it's just an argument take it with a grain of salt.

Hi guys,

I am very sad tonight maybe I can say a bit disappointed from my husband. I have dual citizenship US and European, my husband is from third part of country. (I have to mention also that I filed K-3 visa for him and still waiting on approval(dont want make a long story)). Anyway, we had argue this evening and in that whole conversation he told me that I am cold person and thats why he dont like americans and europeans. (He never said that before). I was and still I am sad, and disappointed but from the other side worried about what he said. Also I know that this long distance relationship(marriage) is very hard for all of us, but isnt that rude and shall I be concerned about what he said, or just accepted in some other way? In that whole argue I mention that we can get divorce, something that i dont want cause I love him.

[Sand 5]

Hello.

you will see the majority of us got this before .. and i call this Stress. seem both of u under stress. and i know he's a man and he want to be with you so bad.. and the things make things wose that the papers. the papers. maybe will take so long time to get approved .. and some of ppl they thing before to apply for it they think if we got married from American man/woman that we will be with her or him right away !! but this is not true . while they discover that the papers will take years and years they will go on stress. so they right way to solve this problem is to have a patient for each other and this is the real test for both of u .. but also this need help from u and him too , so if he stress try to cool him down and keep telling him about a good future (insha'allah) same as he..

but to be honest with you i dont know what happend between u guys..

but if i am in ur shoes i will not give up .. marriage life is not a toy to break it and go buy another .

and let mer add something.. online life different than the real life. i went thru it before.. but i call this, so dont call this problems.. name it (MISUNDERSTANING)

hope to hear a good news .

Edited January 3, 2008 by Sand

[yassmine2878 1]

Sounds like stress to me too. The strain of separation takes a hug toll on a relationship, married, engaged or otherwise. Its very important for you to both keep the lines of communication open. So just because there are some hurt feelings, try not to give in to the impulse to give him the silent treatment for days at a time. This just builds on itself. You dont talk because you're hurt, he wont talk because you wont talk, and it just goes on and on. Cooling off for a day is one thing, but when you're living apart and trying to maintain a relationship, communication is everything. And for the most part, its all you have. You cant go out on a date, have dinner together, etc. You're limited to spending time talking via the phone or internet. And if you're lucky, the occasional overseas trip. So if you're not talking, you're not building anything.

No one can say what is the correct amount of time to know someone before you get married, that is unique to each couple. But IMO, if you truly dont feel you know each other well enough, for heaven's sake slow down and get to know each other. There is no shame in saying "Im/he's/we're not ready for this yet". The stress does not end once the visa is issued. And if youre husband has a less-than-stellar view of Americans now, this may become amplified once he arrives here. Culture shock causes a huge strain on a relationship, so be prepared for some bumps in the road when he starts settling in here.

Just my $.02 and I hope things improve for you both. We've all been through some pretty stressful times in this process and can relate to the hurt feelings.

[Sand 5]