Need marriage advice

[Poulet 0]

Me and my wife have been married for over 2 and a half years now. We were married in France (her country). We then bought a house in the US shortly after, while she was here on a visitor visa. However, we found out before we got married that I was going to be deployed to Iraq. I have come back safe but wife-less. I didn't start the visa process until about 4 months before the end of my deployment, mostly because there would have been no way for me to complete an AOS while I was in the desert. The results have been this: Since we got married I have seen her for less than 5 months, with only 5 weeks in the past 2 years.

Our case was approved by the NVC in late October and the interview is set for next week. Since the case was approved, she has become more distant, almost to the point of being a stranger. We knew that this would be hard for her to leave her country and friends and job, but it is more difficult than both of us have imagined.

Now, on the verge of our seperation finally coming to an end, she tells me that she doesn't know if she loves me or not, and has serious issues about leaving.

Tomorrow I am leaving to go see her in hopes of saving our marriage. I am well aware that I could just be easily saying goodbye.

I want to believe that she is becoming emotionally detached from me because to her, loving me = Leaving her family and her life. And so if she doesn't love me, then she doesn't need to go. She says that the time apart has been too long, but it's not the first time we are apart for a long time.

I want to save this, and I was hoping the members of visa journey would surely have some experience with this type of problem.

I love her so much.

What can I do to help us?

How can I save this?

Can I save this?

thank you

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Oh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You seem keen and sensitive enough to know what is wrong with her. I've read that happens a lot with children of military personnel who get deployed and don't see their children for long periods of time. Man, I don't know what to say except follow your heart and go see her. Hopefully you two can become reaquainted. Perhaps tell her you'd go live there with her if that is possible?

I wish you the best and hope that it all works out.

[Fandango 1,440]

I'm really so sorry to hear this, and I hope that you two can get back on track!

My fiance and I have not seen each other for a REALLY long time. 1 year 5 mos. I'm not about to go into the whys and wherefores, but I know what you're going thru. We used to live with each other before that, so it's a bit like feast or famine.

Anyways, we filed in July and are now on our way to get an interview....and now I'm like 'omG! it's happening so fast!' LOL. Not that I don't love him or want more than anything to marry him (cos omG I soo do!), but ya do such a good job at what we call 'treading water' that you sometimes forget why you're in the pool in the first place.

It's possible that your wife is just having a panic attack over all the changes...after all, when you're apart for a looooooooong time and you have to make a life with the one you have, you get a bit of tunnel vision. Now it's all happening full speed, so it might just be a bit overwhelming for her. I'm hearing from my own fiance how it's becoming more real to him...and along with the excitement is the 'wow, this is my last........ here' cos the fact of him leaving is quickly looming ahead.

I wish you both the best of luck & hope that once she sees you step off that plane, she will know exactly the right course of action. The non-USC spouse has to go through so much to get here and adjust...saying goodbye to her fam, friends, country...essentially everything she knows...can be so daunting.

Thank you so much for serving. I am so happy to hear of your safe return home. God bless you!!! We all owe you so much

[Poulet 0]

Oh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You seem keen and sensitive enough to know what is wrong with her. I've read that happens a lot with children of military personnel who get deployed and don't see their children for long periods of time. Man, I don't know what to say except follow your heart and go see her. Hopefully you two can become reaquainted. Perhaps tell her you'd go live there with her if that is possible?

I wish you the best and hope that it all works out.

I'm 18 months away from a BSEE, but if it came to choose between starting over, selling the house and being a ditch-digger in France I'd do it, but it won't answer the bigger question; that being if she still feels strongly for me. It certainly takes 2 to tango.

Thank you for the support

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Oh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You seem keen and sensitive enough to know what is wrong with her. I've read that happens a lot with children of military personnel who get deployed and don't see their children for long periods of time. Man, I don't know what to say except follow your heart and go see her. Hopefully you two can become reaquainted. Perhaps tell her you'd go live there with her if that is possible?

I wish you the best and hope that it all works out.

I'm 18 months away from a BSEE, but if it came to choose between starting over, selling the house and being a ditch-digger in France I'd do it, but it won't answer the bigger question; that being if she still feels strongly for me. It certainly takes 2 to tango.

Thank you for the support

Sure...but I think loves is far beyond a feeling. I hope she can realize that too. Emotions are funny things and although they are important to a relationship, they shouldn't dictate the course of the relationship, IMO. If you can let her know in some way that you'd be happy to be anywhere as long as you are with her, and that you never want to be apart again, that might help her through the emotional turmoil.

[Poulet 0]

Oh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You seem keen and sensitive enough to know what is wrong with her. I've read that happens a lot with children of military personnel who get deployed and don't see their children for long periods of time. Man, I don't know what to say except follow your heart and go see her. Hopefully you two can become reaquainted. Perhaps tell her you'd go live there with her if that is possible?

I wish you the best and hope that it all works out.

I'm 18 months away from a BSEE, but if it came to choose between starting over, selling the house and being a ditch-digger in France I'd do it, but it won't answer the bigger question; that being if she still feels strongly for me. It certainly takes 2 to tango.

Thank you for the support

Sure...but I think loves is far beyond a feeling. I hope she can realize that too. Emotions are funny things and although they are important to a relationship, they shouldn't dictate the course of the relationship, IMO. If you can let her know in some way that you'd be happy to be anywhere as long as you are with her, and that you never want to be apart again, that might help her through the emotional turmoil.

I will certainly put that on the table

[Carlawarla 1]

The upcoming months and weeks before the interview or just before a move, for me, were the worse. It was really overwhelming. I can understand, especially when she hasn't seen you in some time, that she might be questioning. Going over to see her, expressing your love to her, in your own way...will I'm sure be exactly what she needs right now. Peace be with you both, and I hope that this works out. Please let us know how things pan out for you two.

Carla

[Sofiyya 1,687]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I , too, thank you very much for your service and the substantial sacrifice you've made. I will pray that the two of you will be able to come back into sync after the time that's passed. My husband and I met 6 years ago, married 3 years ago and have spent less than a month together IRL during all that time. It's not easy to hold it together, and there have been some rough times, so I know what you're going through. My husband doesn't really want to leave his family either, so we also have that holding things up. All you can do sometimes is give it to God and do your best.

You sound like a man of great character and good values. If she passes you up after the commitment you've shown, it's a big loss for her. I wish you both the very best outcome and many years of happiness together.

Happy New Year!

Edited December 31, 2007 by Green-eyed girl

[Poulet 0]

UPDATE:

Unfortunately her feelings did not rush back when she saw me get off the plane. It was like hitting a wall. She looked like I remember her, but she was a million miles away emotionally. It was established soon enough that she still loved me, but she wasn't IN love with me.

I'm simply plagued with regret over some mis-steps. The biggest; being so slow with the long AOS filing.

The visa interview was yesterday and things went relatively smoothly, except for the fact that we were supposed to have brung a large fed-ex style envelope in which the completed visa would be mailed; this was never mentioned. We walked out after being congratulated through the speaker box on the window. We should have been happy, smiling; but instead it was grim and surreal as we both realized that the beurocracy was behind us, and the only one hard decision left to go.

Even though we've been away for far too long, I can't accept the notion that 5 years of history could be flushed away. 1 year ago we were fine, 6 months ago we were fine, 3 months ago we were fine, then the case gets approved and it all goes bad, particularly in the past 2 weeks.

But I have to think positively, the only thing I can do is trust that before I have to return to the US next week, she'll recognize the man she married and fell in love with.

It's just so hard to look at someone you love, someone with whom I associate such beauty; and then hear that, time apart has blurred and blocked the beauty that she sees in me.

Edited January 4, 2008 by Poulet

[one...two...tree 2,762]

If I can give you any solace, I would say don't let the ambivalent feelings of being in love worry you about the solidity of the relationship. I don't know of any relationship that doesn't go through that from time to time and considering the circumstances, it is to be expected. I imagine that there's a lot of hurt feelings there that will just have to heal over time and possibly through counseling. I think it's important that you both understand that...that it will just take time and to have patience with it, not giving into those ambivalent feelings...that your commitment to the relationship must be unbreakable, especially during this time.

[Carlawarla 1]

Poulet,

My heart is breaking for you. Are you both planning on leaving France and returning to the US in 2 weeks? I can honestly say I don't understand the "in love" vs "loves" part (and never have), but just the word "love" suggests that she hasn't given up completely the feelings that she has for you. I hope and pray that you can work this out, and if needed, go see a counsellor. Having a third party ask poignant questions that will bring about some honest and open communication and possibly some resolutions can work wonders.

Carla

P.S. Thanks for getting back to us and sharing.

[Poulet 0]

Poulet,

My heart is breaking for you. Are you both planning on leaving France and returning to the US in 2 weeks? I can honestly say I don't understand the "in love" vs "loves" part (and never have), but just the word "love" suggests that she hasn't given up completely the feelings that she has for you. I hope and pray that you can work this out, and if needed, go see a counsellor. Having a third party ask poignant questions that will bring about some honest and open communication and possibly some resolutions can work wonders.

Carla

P.S. Thanks for getting back to us and sharing.

She won't quit her job until the visa is in her hands, which is wise, but she will have to spend probably 2 more months away from me before she is able to travel.

[Poulet 0]

UPDATE:

Firstly, thanks for the support everyone. I know there is still hope, but I am still sick.

I arrived back in the states today. It is clear that one week was not nearly enough time to fix everything. I could tell that she was trying to re-connect with me, but everytime she tried something came up in her head. A dread about leaving her job or her friends and her family. Or a dread about the uncertainty that is life in the US: Finding a NEW job, health care, other cultural changes. All this would be manageable except for the following words: my heart doesn't belong 100% to you anymore.

I know there is another man in her life, and I know that it has occured at the most fragile portion of our visa journey, and when our time apart was at it's maximum. I suppose this problem is more general than visajourney.com, so many years of preparation, and now so much uncertainty. I can try to be strong in front of my friends, but this is something so unexpected, so absolutely devastating. In over 5 years we know each other, she doesn't think of another man. What I want to believe is that the stress she is under is so extreme that she is un-consciouslessly trying to sabotage what we have by acting so strangely. I know our link is still there, I saw it in fleeting moments, and only time can allow it to resurface. The visa will be in her hands in less than a week, and then she will be faced with probably the hardest task which will be quitting the job she really likes. Any psychologists out there who can solve this puzzle for me?

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

Munchhausens!

Get well soon!

[Carlawarla 1]

I am not a psychologist, but I am a counsellor (retired). I can tell you're devastated. I didn't know, and maybe you didn't either, that another man is now in the picture. Perhaps he's there for a reason...as you said, to sabotage a move to the US, or perhaps an excuse to stay where she is. Again, I can't stress to you how huge a leap it is to be waiting and waiting, and then when you get the visa, the huge impact it can have on someone's life. I don't know how old you are as well. I'm 50, and found the move here to be of a greater impact than when I moved halfway across the country leaving family and friends when I was 22.

I have no doubt the "spark" is still there, if only fleeting. Until recently, you were both in love and close. Caring and loving feelings for you might always be there.

I can't give you "advise" as to how to get her to come here. I can only encourage you to look for a professional now. You sound like someone who is able to express your feelings in an articulate and honest way, thus allowing for someone on a one-to-one basis to really listen, and help you plan strategies to getting through this, whether it be with your fiance or not.

Wishing you all the best,

Carla