Need marriage advice

[Poulet 0]

Me and my wife have been married for over 2 and a half years now. We were married in France (her country). We then bought a house in the US shortly after, while she was here on a visitor visa. However, we found out before we got married that I was going to be deployed to Iraq. I have come back safe but wife-less. I didn't start the visa process until about 4 months before the end of my deployment, mostly because there would have been no way for me to complete an AOS while I was in the desert. The results have been this: Since we got married I have seen her for less than 5 months, with only 5 weeks in the past 2 years.

Our case was approved by the NVC in late October and the interview is set for next week. Since the case was approved, she has become more distant, almost to the point of being a stranger. We knew that this would be hard for her to leave her country and friends and job, but it is more difficult than both of us have imagined.

Now, on the verge of our seperation finally coming to an end, she tells me that she doesn't know if she loves me or not, and has serious issues about leaving.

Tomorrow I am leaving to go see her in hopes of saving our marriage. I am well aware that I could just be easily saying goodbye.

I want to believe that she is becoming emotionally detached from me because to her, loving me = Leaving her family and her life. And so if she doesn't love me, then she doesn't need to go. She says that the time apart has been too long, but it's not the first time we are apart for a long time.

I want to save this, and I was hoping the members of visa journey would surely have some experience with this type of problem.

I love her so much.

What can I do to help us?

How can I save this?

Can I save this?

thank you

[Ta Ta 1]

I have not been in your exact situation but had a long separation from my now ex husband ( we are both USC) due to a desert storm 9 1/2 month

deployment. When he returned we continued where we left off until the marriage fell apart years later but not due to the separation.

My fiance and I have not seen each other for 20 months and we will reunite in April 2008 for the second interview appointment. We are in daily phone contact.

I believe and have heard from others that for the most part upon seeing one another again, feelings will rush back and the relationship deepens and

continues. It may not take much for her to reconnect emotionally with you, but be patient if it does. Be cautiously optimistic that your marriage will survive. But in the end only your wife can answer that.

Thank you for serving in Iraq and may God bless you and grant you the desires of your heart

[*JG* 2]

I'm so sorry for your troubles right now.

Absence is so hard on all involved. Everyone does their best to cope, some much differently then others. I know that when I am especially troubled, I tend to seperate myself, mentally and physically, from the situation in order to work it out myself (and sometimes I try to fool myself into thinking I'll be better off by myself if things blow up in my face). Perhaps she is just scared and a little nervous at reuniting and all that may entail. You must remember that even though she may be in surroundings you may feel is easier on her to cope, that may not be what she is feeling.

I would say be extremely patient with her, as in her own way, she is being with you. Talk, talk, and then talk some more. Talk it all out.....hopes, fears, whatever reuninting will bring.

Keep the faith.

[chispas 0]

Me and my wife have been married for over 2 and a half years now. We were married in France (her country). We then bought a house in the US shortly after, while she was here on a visitor visa. However, we found out before we got married that I was going to be deployed to Iraq. I have come back safe but wife-less. I didn't start the visa process until about 4 months before the end of my deployment, mostly because there would have been no way for me to complete an AOS while I was in the desert. The results have been this: Since we got married I have seen her for less than 5 months, with only 5 weeks in the past 2 years.

Our case was approved by the NVC in late October and the interview is set for next week. Since the case was approved, she has become more distant, almost to the point of being a stranger. We knew that this would be hard for her to leave her country and friends and job, but it is more difficult than both of us have imagined.

Now, on the verge of our seperation finally coming to an end, she tells me that she doesn't know if she loves me or not, and has serious issues about leaving.

Tomorrow I am leaving to go see her in hopes of saving our marriage. I am well aware that I could just be easily saying goodbye.

I want to believe that she is becoming emotionally detached from me because to her, loving me = Leaving her family and her life. And so if she doesn't love me, then she doesn't need to go. She says that the time apart has been too long, but it's not the first time we are apart for a long time.

I want to save this, and I was hoping the members of visa journey would surely have some experience with this type of problem.

I love her so much.

What can I do to help us?

How can I save this?

Can I save this?

thank you

While you were in Iraq, was she in contact with the base support services for wives? During the first Gulf War my sister received counseling and both she and her husband went through some workshops which address these very unique sets of circumstances that only Military people have. (on top of immigration) Quickly find the chaplain, resource person, or your C/O. Don't try to do it yourself without using help that is offered through the military.

Hey you served, you deserve all the benefits when you return. She might have a ton to say, but many military wives do when their loved ones return.

[Poulet 0]

Me and my wife have been married for over 2 and a half years now. We were married in France (her country). We then bought a house in the US shortly after, while she was here on a visitor visa. However, we found out before we got married that I was going to be deployed to Iraq. I have come back safe but wife-less. I didn't start the visa process until about 4 months before the end of my deployment, mostly because there would have been no way for me to complete an AOS while I was in the desert. The results have been this: Since we got married I have seen her for less than 5 months, with only 5 weeks in the past 2 years.

Our case was approved by the NVC in late October and the interview is set for next week. Since the case was approved, she has become more distant, almost to the point of being a stranger. We knew that this would be hard for her to leave her country and friends and job, but it is more difficult than both of us have imagined.

Now, on the verge of our seperation finally coming to an end, she tells me that she doesn't know if she loves me or not, and has serious issues about leaving.

Tomorrow I am leaving to go see her in hopes of saving our marriage. I am well aware that I could just be easily saying goodbye.

I want to believe that she is becoming emotionally detached from me because to her, loving me = Leaving her family and her life. And so if she doesn't love me, then she doesn't need to go. She says that the time apart has been too long, but it's not the first time we are apart for a long time.

I want to save this, and I was hoping the members of visa journey would surely have some experience with this type of problem.

I love her so much.

What can I do to help us?

How can I save this?

Can I save this?

thank you

While you were in Iraq, was she in contact with the base support services for wives? During the first Gulf War my sister received counseling and both she and her husband went through some workshops which address these very unique sets of circumstances that only Military people have. (on top of immigration) Quickly find the chaplain, resource person, or your C/O. Don't try to do it yourself without using help that is offered through the military.

Hey you served, you deserve all the benefits when you return. She might have a ton to say, but many military wives do when their loved ones return.

she never mentioned anything to me about how it was difficult for her while I was in Iraq. I tried to bring it up a few times, but it always seemed she knew the risk and she knew that there was nothing to be done. Issues like this, and other old, nagging issues, have popped up more and more in the past several weeks. Whenever I would calm her fears, a new doubt and anxiety would appear the next day...

[Nutty 2]

Well, seperation is incredibly hard and it does cause married couples to become strangers. I won't deny that sometimes I feel that my husband was in another life. Yet I still love him. But he is a stranger since we have been seperate for so long.

If you could try to spend more time with her in her country and assure her that she can go back as often as she wants to, that might help if it is her "feeling nervous about leaving her family."

I wish you the best and hope it does work out for you both.

[phatmadame81 0]

I wish you and your wife the best of luck, separation is a killer, and you just have to work and spend more time with her.............

[Poulet 0]

UPDATE:

Unfortunately her feelings did not rush back when she saw me get off the plane. It was like hitting a wall. She looked like I remember her, but she was a million miles away emotionally. It was established soon enough that she still loved me, but she wasn't IN love with me.

I'm simply plagued with regret over some mis-steps. The biggest; being so slow with the long AOS filing.

The visa interview was yesterday and things went relatively smoothly, except for the fact that we were supposed to have brung a large fed-ex style envelope in which the completed visa would be mailed; this was never mentioned. We walked out after being congratulated through the speaker box on the window. We should have been happy, smiling; but instead it was grim and surreal as we both realized that the beurocracy was behind us, and the only one hard decision left to go.

Even though we've been away for far too long, I can't accept the notion that 5 years of history could be flushed away. 1 year ago we were fine, 6 months ago we were fine, 3 months ago we were fine, then the case gets approved and it all goes bad, particularly in the past 2 weeks.

But I have to think positively, the only thing I can do is trust that before I have to return to the US next week, she'll recognize the man she married and fell in love with.

It's just so hard to look at someone you love, someone with whom I associate such beauty; and then hear that, time apart has blurred and blocked the beauty that she sees in me.

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

Please stay strong.

She hasn't given up yet. Keep fighting, work at it every day, love her and tell her so.

Congratulations on your visa as well, although bittersweet.

Things will get better.

I wish you both all the best.