Are there any successful LONGTERM marriages?

[chinelo 0]

when i met my husband online, it started as something i was doing to get rid of boredom, i never knew it would get serious, i did not have a job and had nothing else to do except to go to the cafe and chat with him for hours. and btw mrs jibowu there is huge unemployment in nigeria and not everybody is cut out to sell cards on the street. nigeria is not america, you will always see a way to get by, to eat, to dress well without having a job. but we are not lazy people.

i have talked to so many nigerian guys that met there spouse online and its a real big adjustment for them. most of them might come here for the green card but at the same time they want the marriage to work. the difficulty is the first one year of umemployment and adjusting to the new country. nigerian men are not really used to be kept by a woman. the wife will have to provide for them till they can get a job and gradually there fustration will start affecting the relationship. And if you stayed in nigeria, u will find out they are never alone, they always have there family around them. america is really a lonely place.

my first one year here was terrible. i nearly gave up but i am not a quitter so i struck it out but for guys it might be difficult so make it work.

got to go baby is crying

[idocare 3]

I'm sure there are some, the percentage I don't know but there has to be some.

[ebonyqueen 0]

Idocare:

I agree with many points of ur posts. We have a duty to our country to report any evidence of immigration fraud. We can't let it be known that we are willing to ignore when someone has broken the law. The reason all of us are going thru this hellish VJ is because others have come here and taken advantage of our country in the worst ways. If we don't report this stuff, we are contributing to it. I agree a large amount of internet relationships are fraud. And most of us are blind to it in the beginning. But the point that has to be made is...God willing we all find the love of our life, but if we find that these men are not what we thought them to be, then we absolutely must report them to immigration!

Its a crime! Its not just that we got duped, or used, or made a fool of! Its much deeper than that. We don't have to go off the deep end and get to plotting our revenge in evil ways...but reporting what happened to us, to immigration may help someone else later on. These men that do this may be involved in other illegal activites as well...and they must be identified. We are accessories to a crime if we have proof they came her fraudulently!

I mean no disrespect to any person from any country who comes here legally and legitimately, but for those who specifically seek out women for this reason need to be stopped. It cant be said that us american women stand for this.

I think we would all benefit much more if u (idocare) would tell us more of ur story. How things happened. What signs did u see. How did it transpire into what it was. How did u guys live. What could u have done differently. Etc. Instead of just posting random rants and raves about your ex scamming u. If u want to help us, tell ur story, and what u are doing about it...and try not to throw such a negative vibe into it. We all feel ur pain...and none of want to believe our man will hurt us in this way. But statistically we kno some of us will be victims as well.

Lets just support each other in the journey...whether good or bad, and be there to tell our stories so that we may learn from them. I hope anyone who has been thru this experience will feel comfortable enough to share. Its the reality of our world right now. Not talking about it isnt gonna make it go away.

On the other hand...many of us are basking in the glory of God and the love we have for our men...and do not want to dwell in the depths of doubt. But some of us may be in the same place as Idocare within a year...and to have heard her story may help us close ours.

The last point to be made is one thats been said over and over again. Give ur pain to God. Let him heal u thru his grace. Forgive those who have hurt u, and God shall cleanse your soul. This doesnt mean forget your pain...but learn from it. And when u do the right thing in Gods eyes, he will be the one who brings judgement to the evil.

Good Luck in your quest for peace. God Bless you

[Enlighten one :) 5]

BTW mrs jibowu there is huge unemployment in Nigeria and not everybody is cut out to sell cards on the street. Nigeria is not America, you will always see a way to get by, to eat, to dress well without having a job. but we are not lazy people.

I never once said Nigerian as a culture or country were lazy people. I cannot even figure out how you derived that statement out of my posting. As a matter a fact, I stated that all my friends and people I met had JOBS. Then I went to point out that there are lots of different types of work one can do to contribute and support their family and themselves.

I can run around my town looking for a job stating that there are just no jobs out there while I drive by the McDonald sign stating that they are hiring. God has given us all gifts to contribute to our community and family. It might not be financial, you might be the seamstress of the family or the cook that bakes extra for trade or money.

If they are not cut out to sell items on the street then they find something that they are cut out for. Are they volunteering their time at churches and schools. God reward all that are fruitful with their time.

i have talked to so many Nigerian guys that met there spouse on line and its a real big adjustment for them. most of them might come here for the green card but at the same time they want the marriage to work. the difficulty is the first one year of unemployment and adjusting to the new country. Nigerian men are not really used to be kept by a woman. the wife will have to provide for them till they can get a job and gradually there frustration will start affecting the relationship.

I am not talking about the legitimate situations of men and women falling in love. I am talking about specific people that are contacted out of the attempt to be manipulated and conned by someone trying to achieve the American dream. They are legitimate relationships on here from around the world. But I have come across 5 1/2 (i had another women contact me with another story since the last posting) women on here that can attest to the fact that their SO turned from night and day. That once the ink was dry they didn't care what their petitioner thought of them. There was not a hint of appreciation for all the money their petitioner spent for them to come here and sent to them while they waited for the process.

And if you stayed in Nigeria, u will find out they are never alone, they always have there family around them. America is really a lonely place.

My husbands family do not live in visiting distances. But his parents are getting older so I am afraid he will not be able to see one of them again before they pass. I am happy to say he has a brother here in America. Although what I am concerned about is that he spends a lot of time with his church and other churches. Our church only has service once a week. We didn't even have a service for New Years. There is a great sense of community and Culture in Nigeria that can be reinvented or recreated with effort & time here in America.

my first one year here was terrible. i nearly gave up but i am not a quitter so i struck it out but for guys it might be difficult so make it work.

got to go baby is crying

America can be a cold and unwelcoming place unlike Nigeria. How long has your husband been here? How involved in your community and church are you and your SO? You should find a place to volunteer your time a few nights a week. That is a great way to meet people and build skills while you are in the U.S. Good luck. You have lots of support here on VJ

Edited January 3, 2008 by MrsJibowu

[Enlighten one :) 5]

I had another thought. How come women on here think it is OK to date someone without a job from a third world country, but would never consider dating someone in America that doesn't have a job?

If you met a guy on line that says he peddled soda on the streets in Lagos? Or does it sound more glamorous to go with the fact that it is difficult to get a job in that country.

Yes it is difficult to get a job, but it can be done. there is a work shortage, but it can be done. You might not get a lot but it is some sort of income.

When I was staying at the hotel Sheraton at both Abuja and Lagos there were tons of jobs. There was a tennis table coach we got for our son. People who worked in the gym, restaurants, security, domestics, and front desk. All along the road there are stands of people selling things. There were guys in trucks doing contruction and on motor cycles carring people around. If your man was fruitful with his time he will be fruitful with his time in America. If he states he did nothing, because there were not any jobs he will feel the same way in America. I cannot say it enough...

NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO... THERE YOU ARE!

CIRCUMSTANCE DO NOT MAKE A MAN... THEY REVEAL HIM

Edited January 3, 2008 by MrsJibowu

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Ouch, I should have said... "how come some women" I hate to generalize or be generalized. *wink

I had another thought. How come women on here think it is OK to date someone without a job from a third world country, but would never consider dating someone in America that doesn't have a job?

If you met a guy on line that says he peddled soda on the streets in Lagos? Or does it sound more glamorous to go with the fact that it is difficult to get a job in that country.

Yes it is difficult to get a job, but it can be done. there is a work shortage, but it can be done. You might not get a lot but it is some sort of income.

When I was staying at the hotel Sheraton at both Abuja and Lagos there were tons of jobs. There was a tennis table coach we got for our son. People who worked in the gym, restaurants, security, domestics, and front desk. All along the road there are stands of people selling things. There were guys in trucks doing contruction and on motor cycles carring people around. If your man was fruitful with his time he will be fruitful with his time in America. If he states he did nothing, because there were not any jobs he will feel the same way in America. I cannot say it enough...

NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO... THERE YOU ARE!

CIRCUMSTANCE DO NOT MAKE A MAN... THEY REVEAL HIM

[Enlighten one :) 5]

i did not have a job and had nothing else to do except to go to the cafe and chat with him for hours.

Can you please explain for me how you afford to be in the cafe for hours without a job? What did you do with your time when you were not in the cafe? What hobbies did you have?

I am asking these questions to understand how people can afford to be in the cafe when they do not have a job and family that might not be able to have necessities like hygiene products or their neighbor might not have food.

Nigeria is not America, you will always see a way to get by, to eat, to dress well without having a job. But we are not lazy people.

I understand the food part, because if one family member has food the whole family has food until there is now more. No one is left out because of rationing. Everyone eats or no one eats. What I would like to understand is how do you dress well without having a job? I just feel if your priority is to dress well despite the fact that you do not have a job, then your priorities are messed up.

I guess this is where my confusion comes into play regarding meeting men online chatting that have time to create my spaces and yahoo accounts & profiles, but cannot find a job. How come my brother in law has two jobs? My sister in law has a job along with her husband? Every friend I was introduced to in Lagos had jobs. They are not rich by any means, but they work.

I guess this comes down to determining someone’s character and priorities. I am going to say it again.

No matter where you go... There you are!

Circumstances do not make a man… they reveal him.

[Ta Ta 1]

Nigeria is different than Sierra Leone.

Sierra Leone is the poorest country on earth by UN statistics.

The brutal war raged for 11 years and was only declared over a few years ago. Most of his family was killed.

The infra structure is almost non existent.

Electricity is on for a few hours a day and then out for days and in many towns there is none.

My fiance worked for 7 years as telecommunication operator for the UNHCR, surrounded by refugee camps.

Now that the war is over the UNHCR has closed their offices and he is unemployed.

There are no jobs. No, he is not in cafe's and no he does not spend money on fine close and eats once or twice a day if he is blessed to have food.

It takes me to dial 20-30 times to get through to crappy phone lines so we can talk for a few minutes before the lines crash again.

Yes, I will stand by him because he is without employment, of course I do.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Yes, but didn’t you say your husband visited hospitals with his pastor? His priority is not having nice clothing and chatting online. Omoba is your husband fruitful with his time?

You can be in the poorest world and still be fruitful.

I would be doing what ever it took to help my community by the means I had. I would be rebuilding or clearing up areas that were devestated. I wouldnt be dressed up online chatting with american people.

Nigeria is different than Sierra Leone.

Sierra Leone is the poorest country on earth by UN statistics.

The brutal war raged for 11 years and was only declared over a few years ago. Most of his family was killed.

The infra structure is almost non existent.

Electricity is on for a few hours a day and then out for days and in many towns there is none.

My fiance worked for 7 years as telecommunication operator for the UNHCR, surrounded by refugee camps.

Now that the war is over the UNHCR has closed their offices and he is unemployed.

There are no jobs. No, he is not in cafe's and no he does not spend money on fine close and eats once or twice a day if he is blessed to have food.

It takes me to dial 20-30 times to get through to crappy phone lines so we can talk for a few minutes before the lines crash again.

Yes, I will stand by him because he is without employment, of course I do.

[Peggy 1]

I think she has some good points that the OP should think about.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Idocare:

The last point to be made is one thats been said over and over again. Give ur pain to God. Let him heal u thru his grace. Forgive those who have hurt u, and God shall cleanse your soul. This doesnt mean forget your pain...but learn from it. And when u do the right thing in Gods eyes, he will be the one who brings judgement to the evil.

Good Luck in your quest for peace. God Bless you

AMEN

[Ta Ta 1]

Yes, but didn’t you say your husband visited hospitals with his pastor? His priority is not having nice clothing and chatting online. Omoba is your husband fruitful with his time?

You can be in the poorest world and still be fruitful.

I would be doing what ever it took to help my community by the means I had. I would be rebuilding or clearing up areas that were devestated. I wouldnt be dressed up online chatting with american people.

Nigeria is different than Sierra Leone.

Sierra Leone is the poorest country on earth by UN statistics.

The brutal war raged for 11 years and was only declared over a few years ago. Most of his family was killed.

The infra structure is almost non existent.

Electricity is on for a few hours a day and then out for days and in many towns there is none.

My fiance worked for 7 years as telecommunication operator for the UNHCR, surrounded by refugee camps.

Now that the war is over the UNHCR has closed their offices and he is unemployed.

There are no jobs. No, he is not in cafe's and no he does not spend money on fine close and eats once or twice a day if he is blessed to have food.

It takes me to dial 20-30 times to get through to crappy phone lines so we can talk for a few minutes before the lines crash again.

Yes, I will stand by him because he is without employment, of course I do.

Yes, he visits the hospital with his pastor and prays for people and helps out where he can.

94 more days and I hope this nightmare will be over.

[chinelo 0]

you associate lagos with every part of the country which wont work because lagos is a commercial area where if you dont work, you starve. and ofcourse you also know that you are free to live with your parents until you get married though presently so many women are striving for independence. i lived in a small town in abia state where jobs are quite limited. but i was not totally idle, i was working with my dad until he passed away but the job i could do with my eyes closed so i still had a lot of time on my hands to go online. there are four ways you could get a good job in nigeria, sheer luck of been in the right place at the right time, been retained where you did your youth service, having connections in the right place and sleeping your way in. if your brother & sister in laws both have jobs ofcourse everyone of there friends would have jobs. did you see a job vacancy anywhere that was not filled. how many people did u see on the road selling recharge cards, (i think more than the people buying the cards) people want to work but there are no jobs. i see degree holders making $100 a month just so they can eat.i am going to assume you are not a nigerian or else you would not have asked me about my hobbies. as for circumstsnces not making a man, i suggest you try living in nigeria for one year before u CAN SAFELY MAKE THAT QUOTE.

i live in mississippi and they dont have a lot of africans here. my church activities is limited to sunday service. so i had no friends, finally God provided for me by giving me a son.my husband is anti-social, he told me that when we were chatting but i thought i could get him to hang out more but he is just not the type.

i came to the realization that we dont have much in common but i am here and i have to make the most of it.

there was a lot of adjustment for me, a whole lot but for him there was no adjustment he only made room for me in his bedroom. he still wanted to live like a bachelor so it took a lot of patience on both sides for us to start making the marriage to work. few more adjustments and i think we will be fine, but its not easy.my son finally brought peace for me. i tell myself if i was married to a nigeria guy in nigeria i would not run off just because things are not going my way.

but my story is nothing compared to others espeacially the nigerian guys married to americans.each marriage is different and the way u solve problems in ur marriage might not be used for same problem in another marriage, always put urself in the other spouses shoes and know how u will feel in a foreign country with no friends, no job, no company and no family. its hard and if you are not understanding can lead to a lot of problems. at one time our conversation will be like, {after everything i did for you, bringing you from nigeria to come and live here, do u know how much that cost. are you aware i spent up to $10,000 just for the process of bringing u here} and my reply will be [ if you keep throwing that at me that i better start making payments every month]

[We_Destiny 1]

you associate lagos with every part of the country which wont work because lagos is a commercial area where if you dont work, you starve. and ofcourse you also know that you are free to live with your parents until you get married though presently so many women are striving for independence. i lived in a small town in abia state where jobs are quite limited. but i was not totally idle, i was working with my dad until he passed away but the job i could do with my eyes closed so i still had a lot of time on my hands to go online. there are four ways you could get a good job in nigeria, sheer luck of been in the right place at the right time, been retained where you did your youth service, having connections in the right place and sleeping your way in. if your brother & sister in laws both have jobs ofcourse everyone of there friends would have jobs. did you see a job vacancy anywhere that was not filled. how many people did u see on the road selling recharge cards, (i think more than the people buying the cards) people want to work but there are no jobs. i see degree holders making $100 a month just so they can eat.i am going to assume you are not a nigerian or else you would not have asked me about my hobbies. as for circumstsnces not making a man, i suggest you try living in nigeria for one year before u CAN SAFELY MAKE THAT QUOTE.

i live in mississippi and they dont have a lot of africans here. my church activities is limited to sunday service. so i had no friends, finally God provided for me by giving me a son.my husband is anti-social, he told me that when we were chatting but i thought i could get him to hang out more but he is just not the type.

i came to the realization that we dont have much in common but i am here and i have to make the most of it.

there was a lot of adjustment for me, a whole lot but for him there was no adjustment he only made room for me in his bedroom. he still wanted to live like a bachelor so it took a lot of patience on both sides for us to start making the marriage to work. few more adjustments and i think we will be fine, but its not easy.my son finally brought peace for me. i tell myself if i was married to a nigeria guy in nigeria i would not run off just because things are not going my way.

but my story is nothing compared to others espeacially the nigerian guys married to americans.each marriage is different and the way u solve problems in ur marriage might not be used for same problem in another marriage, always put urself in the other spouses shoes and know how u will feel in a foreign country with no friends, no job, no company and no family. its hard and if you are not understanding can lead to a lot of problems. at one time our conversation will be like, {after everything i did for you, bringing you from nigeria to come and live here, do u know how much that cost. are you aware i spent up to $10,000 just for the process of bringing u here} and my reply will be [ if you keep throwing that at me that i better start making payments every month]

I am so sorry he says that to you, it should never bee thrown in some ones face. As petitioners we make the choice to process the paperwork; it should never be used as a statement of saving someone especially the person we married.

Again you should really talk to him about the hurtful statement, it could cause you to resent being with husband.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

What part of Mississippi are you in? I traveled there for work last year. You are right that it is not the best place for people to get out and socialize. I wish you were in a place that was more populated with Africans. There usually tends to be a community based program or church that has a majority of Africans. Even in cold ars Maine.

Again, my post is directed at women here possibly are being targeted for the green card. There always is that fine line of adjustment and resentment for expenses. I would be having a totally different discussion if the SO was already here in America. I admire your commitment to your family.

You are in great hands on this website. Your opinion is appreciated and valued here.

you associate lagos with every part of the country which wont work because lagos is a commercial area where if you dont work, you starve. and ofcourse you also know that you are free to live with your parents until you get married though presently so many women are striving for independence. i lived in a small town in abia state where jobs are quite limited. but i was not totally idle, i was working with my dad until he passed away but the job i could do with my eyes closed so i still had a lot of time on my hands to go online. there are four ways you could get a good job in nigeria, sheer luck of been in the right place at the right time, been retained where you did your youth service, having connections in the right place and sleeping your way in. if your brother & sister in laws both have jobs ofcourse everyone of there friends would have jobs. did you see a job vacancy anywhere that was not filled. how many people did u see on the road selling recharge cards, (i think more than the people buying the cards) people want to work but there are no jobs. i see degree holders making $100 a month just so they can eat.i am going to assume you are not a nigerian or else you would not have asked me about my hobbies. as for circumstsnces not making a man, i suggest you try living in nigeria for one year before u CAN SAFELY MAKE THAT QUOTE.

i live in mississippi and they dont have a lot of africans here. my church activities is limited to sunday service. so i had no friends, finally God provided for me by giving me a son.my husband is anti-social, he told me that when we were chatting but i thought i could get him to hang out more but he is just not the type.

i came to the realization that we dont have much in common but i am here and i have to make the most of it.

there was a lot of adjustment for me, a whole lot but for him there was no adjustment he only made room for me in his bedroom. he still wanted to live like a bachelor so it took a lot of patience on both sides for us to start making the marriage to work. few more adjustments and i think we will be fine, but its not easy.my son finally brought peace for me. i tell myself if i was married to a nigeria guy in nigeria i would not run off just because things are not going my way.

but my story is nothing compared to others espeacially the nigerian guys married to americans.each marriage is different and the way u solve problems in ur marriage might not be used for same problem in another marriage, always put urself in the other spouses shoes and know how u will feel in a foreign country with no friends, no job, no company and no family. its hard and if you are not understanding can lead to a lot of problems. at one time our conversation will be like, {after everything i did for you, bringing you from nigeria to come and live here, do u know how much that cost. are you aware i spent up to $10,000 just for the process of bringing u here} and my reply will be [ if you keep throwing that at me that i better start making payments every month]

Edited January 4, 2008 by MrsJibowu