What Do You Think

[BESANGIN 0]

Hello All,

I guess its now my turn to get feedback on something I heard today. Its about my EX. I have always had mixed emotions about his true intentions and our marriage. I have gone back and forth about did he really love me and it just went bad or did he do it all for the mighty green card. Well he is currently in Nigeria. I was chatting with my maid of honor for my wedding and I was saying to her that I wished I could be a fly on the wall to hear what he is telling his family about me. He was scared to tell them that we broke up so I did, so he lied and told them that I put him out and that I was the one who wanted a divorce because I was cheating. Anyway, She said that she had heard that he awas saying only good things about me. then she said he gave this reason and I quote, "he didnt wanna be hooked to anybody's string. he wanted to be his own man and do his own things his own way,". So how am I supposed to process this? To me that is saying, I got my green card so now I needed my freedom. Oh, here is the first part of what she had heard from her brother and parents. "Was told he said, he did waht he did for his freedom." I told her If he were a smart and sincere man he would have weighed all of that before he committed to a marriage. He knew that Americans don't shun divorce as much as Nigerians so if he didn't like his situation he could easily get out of it. Otherwise why lie to your family about it? Anyway what do you think?

[boo boo 1]

Besangin

I am not sure what to think.....it is sad though that he could not be honest w/ his family and it is alittle messed up that he would make such a bold statement "he didn't want to be hooked to anyone's strings" ..if he felt that way, then why would he want to get married?

I am just happy that you are no longer in that situation, you deserve to be happy and have someone who treat you w/ respect and shower you with love. I know that when you invest alot into someone that it is hard to put it behind you, but only God will know your EX's true intentions.

[Ta Ta 1]

I am not quite sure if I am reading this correctly.

He didn't want to be hooked to a string, be his own man, do things his own way can mean several different things. He felt confined ? He didn't want the marriage ? Talking about his freedom.......freedom from what ? Not enough info here on your background to really give feedback on just one line or two. Without hearing the whole story I don't think anyone can give any constructive input.

Hearing things through someone else is always unreliable.

Unless you hear things straight out of his own mouth ...... one never knows the real reason and I try to never assume anything.

Perhaps one day you both can talk about what really happened.

[BESANGIN 0]

It did hurt when they turned their backs on me knowing how much I sacrificed for him. Then I got angry because I asked myself, Why do they think I am that stupid enough totake on the expense of flying my big A$$ all the way there to marry a PISS POOR A$$ man to bring him back here to cheat on him, when I could have stayed on my own continent and found a PISS POOR man to cheat on for FREE!!!!!!?????? But the people who really knew the kind of woman I am were there with me as I sorted all that drama out.

[Ta Ta 1]

He probably is saying just about anything to his family to avoid shame and to " save face ".

That is wrong of course but given the pressure from family and friends and having had to return ........well he is ashamed and saving face I would say.

[Ta Ta 1]

Do something nice for yourself, get a pedicure or a massage and be kind to yourself.

Sometimes we think we have worked through something and wham one phone call brings it all back and here we go analyzing, trying to get answers

to questions we may never know.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

They are defiantly mixed signals. People do desperate things in desperate situations. I am sure he enjoyed the relationship you had together, because you are a wonderful person; as are most people who go through this process with good intentions. It takes a lot of patience, compassion, love, and dedication to endure the financial strain with risk.

We all consider pros and cons to a relationship when we consider a person as a life long partner. Can you look back at your times together and say that they were fake or did he pretend to be someone he was not? Did you laugh together? Learn & grow? Those are things that are important in a relationship whether you are friends or married. They tend to not work out when one person keeps growing and the other person stay in place. Then we have to make the choice to move on.

I am glad that he is passing on good things about you.

[BESANGIN 0]

Omoba did you forget that he has a PHd in lying? telling the truth to him is like a vampire's fear of standing out in the sun. His A$$ will burn up!!!!! I already have my answers, I just want to see what others would read into it. I just always try to look for good in the heart of all. I have a hard time believing that people are capable of some of the things that they do, and I still try to hold out that he was not capable of such, but his actions say otherwise. So I am not looking to prove that I am telling the truth ot htat there is another side to consider. I know what I lived through for nearly 4 years so what I say and how I have been honest about my situation should speak volumes for my side of the story. Anyway good luck trying to get any kind of truth out of him anyway about his actions.

[Ta Ta 1]

You asked in your first post how you are supposed to process that and wanted input from others, based on what you heard.

In your last post you said you are not looking for proof that there is another side to consider. This confuses me as to what you are looking for

and if you have or have not processed and concluded it.

I do not know about him and no, I didn't know he is a habitual lier.

I am not able to give anymore input, I don't want to give input on one sentence you heard through the grapevine and don't know your story.

I just hope you will heal soon from the wounds he has caused and find happiness.

[Simply_Uno 1]

Salutations to all (esp. B-sangin)

I don't know anything about your "story" or its "characters" but the only thing I can tell you is this, "Tell your story, it has happened and you have moved on from it." Your "testimony" might be some one elses "light on a dark and confusing trail." Regardless of how the "cut goes and comes" you know you, and attempted to share that with some one who was "possibly underserving or too immature to appreciate the fact that underpressure, coal turns to a diamond!"

It is his loss, not yours.

And for the record, "his people" knows exactly how he is, they knew him before you even came into his life. So he can paint himself with bold colours to them if he wants to, they know that he is truly a "pastel pink" on the inside.

P.S. are you sure we aint cut from the same cloth?

"do they think I am that stupid enough to take on the expense of flying my big A$$ all the way there to marry a PISS POOR A$$ man to bring him back here to cheat on him, when I could have stayed on my own continent and found a PISS POOR man to cheat on for FREE!!!!!!??????"

That is the exact same thing I had to tell some one not even 2 weeks ago...word for freakin' word!

Well, Damn!!!

Edited December 27, 2007 by unononehigher

[BESANGIN 0]

Let me make the question a little less confusing. If you read the words, what would be the first thing you would think or would come to your mind? If you don't have enough info to go on then don't feel compelled to answer. There is no jackpot up for grabs for the best answer.

[trailmix 77]

Let me make the question a little less confusing. If you read the words, what would be the first thing you would think or would come to your mind? If you don't have enough info to go on then don't feel compelled to answer. There is no jackpot up for grabs for the best answer.

lol, I like your sense of humor.

For what it is worth, I don't generally see 'green card' in his responses. Those things he said could have been said by any person who did not find that the institution of marriage agreed with them.

On the other hand, there is a green card involved, so there is a shade of grey.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it could go either way, no way of knowing - short of him actually coming out and saying - hey I used you for a green card.

[BESANGIN 0]

Salutations to all (esp. B-sangin)

I don't know anything about your "story" or its "characters" but the only thing I can tell you is this, "Tell your story, it has happened and you have moved on from it." Your "testimony" might be some one elses "light on a dark and confusing trail." Regardless of how the "cut goes and comes" you know you, and attempted to share that with some one who was "possibly underserving or too immature to appreciate the fact that underpressure, coal turns to a diamond!"

It is his loss, not yours.

And for the record, "his people" knows exactly how he is, they knew him before you even came into his life. So he can paint himself with bold colours to them if he wants to, they know that he is truly a "pastel pink" on the inside.

P.S. are you sure we aint cut from the same cloth?

"do they think I am that stupid enough to take on the expense of flying my big A$$ all the way there to marry a PISS POOR A$$ man to bring him back here to cheat on him, when I could have stayed on my own continent and found a PISS POOR man to cheat on for FREE!!!!!!??????"

That is the exact same thing I had to tell some one not even 2 weeks ago...word for freakin' word!

Well, Damn!!!

Girl I think we are!!!! But I think my biggest problem that I still struggle with from time to time is the continued deceit. I feel like why do you have to keep lying when we already over and done. I need to quit being nice and giving him the benefit of the doubt and cut him totally out of my life. I dont need nothing with him 'cept he needs to keep sending them checks.

[His Glory 25]

I dont know how evil he can be but I would think he had affection for you so maybe it was a little of both. Green card and you ( based on what I see about you, he had to have affection for you). Once he was here and comfortable and his world was bigger and better it got to his head. But I think as someone mentioned before that his family and friends know him there and he is trying to save face. Like he was so stupid for messing up a good thing. He had to make you the bad guy and have you do an unexcusable thing in order for his losing everything to be justified and reasonable and for him to seen as a righteous man instead of a failure with no self control or morals.. He had it good but now he is back where he started, it must be a humiliation for him. But those that know him all his life have their doubts. Anyways that is what I see, but I only had 2 hours sleep last night so......maybe I even read it wrong or wrote it wrong. But you have triumphed, sister. You got enough material for a book that will probably net you some cash, notariaty and feeling of accomplishment and satisfication for helping others see the light or at least to know what they are getting into. Ill buy it for sure.

[Simply_Uno 1]

Woot, Damn Woot, Efia. Girl you hit that shiot dead on the nail.