americans fiances and wives and Exs issues

[MelindaandTarek 0]

IMHO - mothers and fathers need to communicate about their children because that is in the best interest of the children. AT the same time, consistent boundaries in the relationship between the parents is quite important. There are some situations where communcation or interaction is not possible and then a safe neutral places to exchange children is necessary for the children's emotional health (I agree w/Bridget's arrangement).

In addition, a relationship needs to be built on trust and open communication. If there are reasons for you to question your SO relationship with her ex, there are either insecurities w/i you or issues in your relationship as a whole. Either way, when children are involved, great care and mindfulness is needed to insure the children are not negatively impacted....good luck ~ Melinda

[Nutty 2]

Hi visa journey people...

i am here today not to ask for some help regarding the process or anything ,buto to try to know what people think regarding Exs boyfreinds issues and husband etc i mean old affairs before they get involved in a relationship with a MENA man...we all know that mentalities and cultures and civilizations are different and that is what make the world beautiful and not boring in my opinion but some points can be an issues ,if you are engaged to a MENA man do you still talk to your Ex if u'd meet him somewhere ,by accident ,if you had any freinds which is called in US "friend with benefits" do you talk to him is there any kind of communication and contact still ,especially if u live in same town ,city as they do ..im asking this because there is no MENA man ,or a muslim would accept this from his woman ,its abosolutely unacceptable and actually for me too since im from MENA...we talk alot abt this issues me and my Fiancé and she actually never talk to any one from past ,there was some stuff going on of course before i come along into her life but its past ,the only issue that i have is her child ....she had a child from a previous relationship and i have issues with ehr meeting the dad every weekend to take child to him or him coming by the house topick child up ,and at the same time i so wnat the child to have the dad around and i no wanna be a reason for drama ,i told her u better find a way with making an arrangement withs chool or something it doenst make me happy the dad is close to our space and life ,so i no wanna sound crazy or selfish or narrowminded ,i know she has no feelings for him nothing and its all me ,but still want him away from us ,not jealousy as much as it has to do with my pride and dignity and principles ,thats me and maybe im wrong i dont know ...i so want to know how do you handle stuff with ur kids dad and what ur man say about it .its a hot topic for women involved with MENA men actuallt ,i mean muslims ....i have read an article here before i even get an acct here about a lady here has issues abt her past with he current husband ,i dont emember the thread really ,but i soo undrstand whats going on with them ,the best solution to work stuff out is to try as much as u can to make ur man he is you everything now and if u did somethings crazy like having a "freind with benifit" or anything maybe he needs to hear from u that u realize what ya did was wrong and crazy ..actually i have issues swallow that term "freind with benifit" and how it goes goodness ...anywya i will look forward to hear from any one live the situation or similar ones ,or has something to say about this

Let's get to the real issue....

You have a problem with your fiance seening her ex husband when she has to pick up or drop off their child.

Your problem is related to your personal feelings about what you call "pride" and "self dignity."

What you do not understand that it is UNAVOIDABLE that your fiance will at times be REQUIRED to communicate to her ex husband over issues surrounding the child. Maybe because of a doctors appointment, the child being sick, issues over education, even to issues over what kind of play activities are best for the child.

What you are saying about trying to limit or completely cut off communication between your fiance and her ex humband, PUTS YOUR MENTAL WELLBEING OVER THAT OF THE CHILD.

How would you feel if you had a child from a previous marriage and your current fiance said all forms of contact with your ex-wife are forbidden and an insult to her? Would you neglect the needs of your child, just to please your fiance?

If it is only your sense of security and pride that you would work to make contact over taking care of a child, then you are being truly selfish.

I have been married before, but no children. My Iranian husband knows I am his wife and knows I was married before. If I had children in my first marriage my Iranian husband would completely understand that I would have a responsibilty to them. That my ex husband also has right to decide about the children. I would need to maintain good relations and agreement with my ex husband about what is in the best interests of the children. All for the sake of the children. My husband is a wise man who is sure of himself and our marriage.

As for mixing in this "friends with benefits" comments....I don't see how this relates to the issue of your fiance having an ex husband....

Many people have ex husbands and wives.....That is not the same group as the "friends with benefits" club.

You are mixing apples with oranges. Two totally different topics. I would even hazard to guess that most ex husbands and wives prefer not to have contact with each other if possible.

My suggestion to you is to trust your fiance and don't let your insecure, irrational feelings poison a good relationship.

Edited December 27, 2007 by Nutty

[patiently_waiting 0]

It's never easy when children from another relationship/marriage are involved. The kids pay the price. I know this first hand. People seem to forget that a child is just that...a child. They do not mean ill harm and are being put in the middle of the parents and now the new SO. If you truly love your fiance, you will get over this crazy talk about limiting communication and all because you are going to make her choose between you and the child and sorry to say, but most women will choose there children. He is an ex for a reason and remains an ex. She has moved on and you need to recognize that.

[very nice 0]

Ok so your fiancee has a child and you don't like her dropping her child off to see the father? I don't even know where to begin with this one. Are you forbidding your fiancee to see the father of her child? You guys are going to have tons of fun!

Did you post this so your fiancee will see it?

Sarah...i dont want my wife to be near any of her Exs and she is fine with this ,she knows im not asking for something crazy ...but child seems to be the only excuse ...i love the child i want the child to see and spend time with daddy i never tought chid should not ....we are trying to figure out a way that dad will get to see the child and at the same time leave our space and privacy alone ...my Fiance and I talekd about this always and she doesnt mind i shate this topic here i bet Michelle is reading alot on VJ...."love you Michelle" BTW.....and i hope we never have issues with this....anyway Sarah you are one of the active and helpful members just want to say this and thank you for the efforts.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Ok so your fiancee has a child and you don't like her dropping her child off to see the father? I don't even know where to begin with this one. Are you forbidding your fiancee to see the father of her child? You guys are going to have tons of fun!

Did you post this so your fiancee will see it?

Sarah...i dont want my wife to be near any of her Exs and she is fine with this ,she knows im not asking for something crazy ...but child seems to be the only excuse ...i love the child i want the child to see and spend time with daddy i never tought chid should not ....we are trying to figure out a way that dad will get to see the child and at the same time leave our space and privacy alone ...my Fiance and I talekd about this always and she doesnt mind i shate this topic here i bet Michelle is reading alot on VJ...."love you Michelle" BTW.....and i hope we never have issues with this....anyway Sarah you are one of the active and helpful members just want to say this and thank you for the efforts.

Do you think that her talking to her ex about the children on the phone is excessive contact? What about him picking them up to see him? Excessive contact also?

[Ban Hammer 13,340]

your fiance has friends with benefits?

pass the popcorn

[very nice 0]

Ok so your fiancee has a child and you don't like her dropping her child off to see the father? I don't even know where to begin with this one. Are you forbidding your fiancee to see the father of her child? You guys are going to have tons of fun!

Did you post this so your fiancee will see it?

Sarah...i dont want my wife to be near any of her Exs and she is fine with this ,she knows im not asking for something crazy ...but child seems to be the only excuse ...i love the child i want the child to see and spend time with daddy i never tought chid should not ....we are trying to figure out a way that dad will get to see the child and at the same time leave our space and privacy alone ...my Fiance and I talekd about this always and she doesnt mind i shate this topic here i bet Michelle is reading alot on VJ...."love you Michelle" BTW.....and i hope we never have issues with this....anyway Sarah you are one of the active and helpful members just want to say this and thank you for the efforts.

Do you think that her talking to her ex about the children on the phone is excessive contact? What about him picking them up to see him? Excessive contact also?

No..i was reading after i came back from work here and i can see i caused confusions here ...please let me explain the facts very well at first ,its not me and will never cross my mind that child should be deprive dfrom his dad to please my desires hell no....he needs to see his child as any father in the world of course...but i think its normal for me to have issues when he comes to my house and get in ,call whenever he wants .."last week called by midnight because he was drunk" ,and he was not a HUSBAND ,just long term relationship...well Michelle doenst like talking to him either ...i dont mind they communicate abt child ,buit i will mind when he gets chatty and wanna talk for talking yadda yadda as Michelle says....me and Michelle have no big issues so far because we both wnat the same things and we trust each other and love each other,and the child will always get to see the father of course ....Michelle will never ever say Hi to any of her Exs that she had after child's dad because she doesnt want me to talk to any i had too ,we both agreed on this...i dont know someone here said abt cashing his checks ....he never send his child a dime as Michelle said she been doing it all alone since they finished the affair just to answer a member here .

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Ok so your fiancee has a child and you don't like her dropping her child off to see the father? I don't even know where to begin with this one. Are you forbidding your fiancee to see the father of her child? You guys are going to have tons of fun!

Did you post this so your fiancee will see it?

Sarah...i dont want my wife to be near any of her Exs and she is fine with this ,she knows im not asking for something crazy ...but child seems to be the only excuse ...i love the child i want the child to see and spend time with daddy i never tought chid should not ....we are trying to figure out a way that dad will get to see the child and at the same time leave our space and privacy alone ...my Fiance and I talekd about this always and she doesnt mind i shate this topic here i bet Michelle is reading alot on VJ...."love you Michelle" BTW.....and i hope we never have issues with this....anyway Sarah you are one of the active and helpful members just want to say this and thank you for the efforts.

Do you think that her talking to her ex about the children on the phone is excessive contact? What about him picking them up to see him? Excessive contact also?

No..i was reading after i came back from work here and i can see i caused confusions here ...please let me explain the facts very well at first ,its not me and will never cross my mind that child should be deprive dfrom his dad to please my desires hell no....he needs to see his child as any father in the world of course...but i think its normal for me to have issues when he comes to my house and get in ,call whenever he wants .."last week called by midnight because he was drunk" ,and he was not a HUSBAND ,just long term relationship...well Michelle doenst like talking to him either ...i dont mind they communicate abt child ,buit i will mind when he gets chatty and wanna talk for talking yadda yadda as Michelle says....me and Michelle have no big issues so far because we both wnat the same things and we trust each other and love each other,and the child will always get to see the father of course ....Michelle will never ever say Hi to any of her Exs that she had after child's dad because she doesnt want me to talk to any i had too ,we both agreed on this...i dont know someone here said abt cashing his checks ....he never send his child a dime as Michelle said she been doing it all alone since they finished the affair just to answer a member here .

Again this is where boundaries are appropriate...any communication whould be about the child and unless the child is ill at midnight and needs to talk to her father, that type of calls is not necessary. In addition, your fiance will have to set up this boundaries and by this I mean, contact is solely for the purpose of assess to child (picking up, dropping off) or communication about issues w/child (school, illness, activities, etc) if he does not respect those boundaries, she can be more specific regarding specific times he is to call to talk to the child....it can be difficult when exs are involved however it can be done...and all decisions or actions made need to be in the child's best interest...IMHO.....hope this helps.....

[doodlebugg 10]

No..i was reading after i came back from work here and i can see i caused confusions here ...

I think maybe you should clear up the "friends with benefits" comment.

[♥JP♥ 5]

You got into this relationship knowing exactly what your wife's situation was, either you accept it or move on. You can't expect her to forget her past and you definitly can't expect her not to have contact with her son's father. You keep mentioning about what a muslim or arab man will accept, well the fact is you accepting to marry her and no one pushed you into doing so. If you find these things so unacceptable maybe you should have been more selective.

[Alt name 1]

I could visualize how there could be problems, but Nit and I have known each other for 3 years now, and when we were just friends she knew my day-to-day contact with my babies and my whole story with my ex. Once we got serious, we talked a LOT about what custody arrangements, child support, and all that means, it doesnt exist where she is from so I explained very carefully how it works.

The long and short? Because we have TALKED, a lot, she understands clearly what my obligations, rights, and responsibilities are under the law here (I'm a co-parent), and she and my babies have been slowly introduced over the last few months. My ex knows Nit, and my babies have spoken to her and chatted with her on cam, and cannot wait to meet her. There are clear legal lines and a clear understanding of what she can expect, and of course from early on she understands what a divorce, custody, support, etc means here in the states. We really don't have any complications because I was very up-front about everything (and why not be?) and so our married life and married relationship is separate and apart from my previous marriage, with the babies included.

This "friends with benefits" comment stumped me, but I learned that clear discussion, at least with my wifey, allowed us to come to an understanding of how the law works here and she is as committed as me to making the babies life as rich as possible. They sort of come with me as a package, with clear lines drawn, and so right now I cannot say there have been any complications.

Regards,

David and Nitadyah

Neither of us has been married before, and we don't have any occasion or reason to communicate with ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends. I'm glad for it because I can't see it bringing anything but problems. It's definitely a different story when kids are involved and IMO if you can't get over that aspect, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone with kids from another marriage/relationship.

[chasnik 0]

You know....the long and the short of any of it is the only person who really matters in all of this is the child...not your feelings...or pride. I have 2 children by my first husband....any man up front has to know that they come first. And just because you are divorced from someone doesnt mean you arent mom dad and kids. My ex and I take the kids out to eat...to the movies...he and whoever he is with at the time come to our house for Christmas...when Mohammed gets here he will be a part of that, but kids deserve the stability and security of knowing that while mom and dad will never be a "couple"again...we are still a family unit. I know not everyone can handle that, but seriously a new partner in one of the relationships should have no say so in dads(or moms) interraction with kids.

[Alt name 1]

Very good post and thank you. I hope the OP can come to an understanding that there is a clear line between what the babies need and his/her relationship.

You know....the long and the short of any of it is the only person who really matters in all of this is the child...not your feelings...or pride. I have 2 children by my first husband....any man up front has to know that they come first. And just because you are divorced from someone doesnt mean you arent mom dad and kids. My ex and I take the kids out to eat...to the movies...he and whoever he is with at the time come to our house for Christmas...when Mohammed gets here he will be a part of that, but kids deserve the stability and security of knowing that while mom and dad will never be a "couple"again...we are still a family unit. I know not everyone can handle that, but seriously a new partner in one of the relationships should have no say so in dads(or moms) interraction with kids.

[caybee 21]

I may be mistaken here, but I just took the "friends with benefits" thing as a way for the OP to describe his wife's previous relationship in which she had had a child, not anything having to do with a current sexual relationship. He said she was never married to the father; perhaps FWB is the way she described her previous relationship, a way of minimizing any emotional ties on her part to her child's father to help put her husband at ease with the custody arrangement. The phrase just has a connotation the OP may not be aware of, and in the context of the original post, it raised eyebrows.

If the main thing that concerns the OP is something like a drunken midnight phone call from the ex that has nothing to do with the child, then I agree this is a boundary issue. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that the ex not call about issues unrelated to the child or that he not call at all after a certain time of night unless there is an emergency. The welfare of the child needs to come first, of course, but assuming that is happening otherwise, I can understand the OP not wanting a drunken intrusion by phone from the ex in the middle of the night when he is at home with his wife.

Edited December 28, 2007 by mona_jamie

[Alt name 1]

OH uh uh... drunken calls are out. I only spoke of clear boundries and issues, and not of things that would happen that actually affect the marriage.

I may be mistaken here, but I just took the "friends with benefits" thing as a way for the OP to describe his wife's previous relationship in which she had had a child, not anything having to do with a current sexual relationship. He said she was never married to the father; perhaps FWB is the way she described her previous relationship, a way of minimizing any emotional ties on her part to her child's father to help put her husband at ease with the custody arrangement. The phrase just has a connotation the OP may not be aware of, and in the context of the original post, it raised eyebrows.

If the main thing that concerns the OP is something like a drunken midnight phone call from the ex that has nothing to do with the child, then I agree this is a boundary issue. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that the ex not call about issues unrelated to the child or that he not call at all after a certain time of night unless there is an emergency. The welfare of the child needs to come first, of course, but assuming that is happening otherwise, I can understand the OP not wanting a drunken intrusion by phone from the ex in the middle of the night when he is at home with his wife.