americans fiances and wives and Exs issues

[very nice 0]

Hi visa journey people...

i am here today not to ask for some help regarding the process or anything ,buto to try to know what people think regarding Exs boyfreinds issues and husband etc i mean old affairs before they get involved in a relationship with a MENA man...we all know that mentalities and cultures and civilizations are different and that is what make the world beautiful and not boring in my opinion but some points can be an issues ,if you are engaged to a MENA man do you still talk to your Ex if u'd meet him somewhere ,by accident ,if you had any freinds which is called in US "friend with benefits" do you talk to him is there any kind of communication and contact still ,especially if u live in same town ,city as they do ..im asking this because there is no MENA man ,or a muslim would accept this from his woman ,its abosolutely unacceptable and actually for me too since im from MENA...we talk alot abt this issues me and my Fiancé and she actually never talk to any one from past ,there was some stuff going on of course before i come along into her life but its past ,the only issue that i have is her child ....she had a child from a previous relationship and i have issues with ehr meeting the dad every weekend to take child to him or him coming by the house topick child up ,and at the same time i so wnat the child to have the dad around and i no wanna be a reason for drama ,i told her u better find a way with making an arrangement withs chool or something it doenst make me happy the dad is close to our space and life ,so i no wanna sound crazy or selfish or narrowminded ,i know she has no feelings for him nothing and its all me ,but still want him away from us ,not jealousy as much as it has to do with my pride and dignity and principles ,thats me and maybe im wrong i dont know ...i so want to know how do you handle stuff with ur kids dad and what ur man say about it .its a hot topic for women involved with MENA men actuallt ,i mean muslims ....i have read an article here before i even get an acct here about a lady here has issues abt her past with he current husband ,i dont emember the thread really ,but i soo undrstand whats going on with them ,the best solution to work stuff out is to try as much as u can to make ur man he is you everything now and if u did somethings crazy like having a "freind with benifit" or anything maybe he needs to hear from u that u realize what ya did was wrong and crazy ..actually i have issues swallow that term "freind with benifit" and how it goes goodness ...anywya i will look forward to hear from any one live the situation or similar ones ,or has something to say about this

Edited December 27, 2007 by very nice

[sarah and hicham 3]

Ok so your fiancee has a child and you don't like her dropping her child off to see the father? I don't even know where to begin with this one. Are you forbidding your fiancee to see the father of her child? You guys are going to have tons of fun!

Did you post this so your fiancee will see it?

Edited December 27, 2007 by sarah and hicham

[Sofiyya 1,687]

This thread is a disaster waiting to happen . . .

[a1angied 0]

OK I am a wife of a MENA man that is muslim and I have children from my ex. My husband is fine with me talking to my ex because we have children together and we need to talk and be friends for the childrens sake. My husband is a divorced man with 4 children from an MENA lady and they also need to talk because of the children they share together. We are mature enough and have the trust that a couple needs that is why we are able to act in the adult maner. I have lived in the same town since i was 16 months old so you can say all of my life and we have ran into some of my other ex's and friends with benefits and I say hello and move on about my business. I am not a rude person and will always speak to someone that I know regardless of how they are my friends, this is the polite maner in how to act.

I guess if I was not secure in my love for my husband or doubted his love for me then I guess I would have a hard time with issues such as these. If your soon to be wife makes arrangements other then what has been taking place to ease your whatever it would be wrong. Her children and their emothional well being should come before your doubts. Her children should feel as everything is normal or they will begin to resent you because they are going to deal with enough change once you come into their lives. So I will pray that the mom will do what is best for her children PERIOD they will always be a part of her life and they are a gift from God and I have faith that God will give her the wisdom to put her childrens feelings first always.

[doodlebugg 10]

your fiance has friends with benefits?

[sarah and hicham 3]

your fiance has friends with benefits?

Now I'm confused, this is a man posting right? I sure hope he doesn't have a fiance. He won't get too far with that.

[Alt name 1]

You are being selfish and narrow-minded my friend.

1. I am a dad, and I do pick up my children on weekends from my ex-wife. I pick them up, keep them, have fun, return them, and there is nothing more between my ex and I beyond that.

2. You and your fiance I suspect probably have no problem cashing his checks do you? (laughing) never a problem with that I bet

3. Transferring the children from parent to parent needs to be a safe, stress-free environment and the "new man" in their mother's life needs to make sure (that would be YOU) he doesnt add stress either to the children or to their mother, just because you have some sort of shallow imagined jealousy issue.

4. Whatever you are imagining happens at the transfer isn't happening. Just because their dad is part of their life doesn't mean he wants to be part of you and his ex's

5. Be glad he is a part of his children's life. There are many who are not

You already admit "you know there is nothing between them", then on the other fork of your tongue you are insisting "they make an arrangement". (laughing) The best thing to do, if you and your new wifey don't want to wind up in a courtroom, is to put aside whatever imagined issues you have with this and leave a child custody agreement alone. Just a suggestion. Man to man, if this were to happen to me, some guy pressuring my ex to screw up our legal custody agreement, I'd quickly dispatch the guy (with prejudice) and not look back, plus if he were in your shoes I'd have "fun with immigration" just to distract from the court case and spread out the resources.

Enjoy your life here. You are marrying a woman with children who also have a father who has a legal and moral right to have an active part of his children's life. Deal with it.

[a1angied 0]

D&N

You said it so well and I agree with your coments and say good for you for being a active parent in your childrens life. Hope the OP will understand and adjust accordingly.

[Alt name 1]

Inshaallah

D&N

You said it so well and I agree with your coments and say good for you for being a active parent in your childrens life. Hope the OP will understand and adjust accordingly.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

My fiance is muslim and I am divorced with a child from my previous marriage. My fiance does feel jealousy in general. He thinks sometimes that I could be too trusting and not see what other men are "thinking". But he is not at all controlling. I don't think that feelings of jealousy for someone that you love are irregular. I think most people feel them. It's how you deal with the feelings that matter. We handle the situation by talking about it and by involving him intimately. The reality is that we are an extended family now, as my daughter's father is a part of her life. My daughter calls them both daddy/baba and it's important that we are united in raising her. My fiance speaks with my ex and the problem that arises is that my ex is a little hostile because he didn't want me to move on. But everyone is coming around. It's a sensitive area and really requires a lot of maturity, patience and willingness to work together for the best results of the children. Now, in terms of "friends with benefits" and all that other stuff, it doesn't apply to me, so I don't know how people handle that.

[doodlebugg 10]

You are being selfish and narrow-minded my friend.

1. I am a dad, and I do pick up my children on weekends from my ex-wife. I pick them up, keep them, have fun, return them, and there is nothing more between my ex and I beyond that.

2. You and your fiance I suspect probably have no problem cashing his checks do you? (laughing) never a problem with that I bet

3. Transferring the children from parent to parent needs to be a safe, stress-free environment and the "new man" in their mother's life needs to make sure (that would be YOU) he doesnt add stress either to the children or to their mother, just because you have some sort of shallow imagined jealousy issue.

4. Whatever you are imagining happens at the transfer isn't happening. Just because their dad is part of their life doesn't mean he wants to be part of you and his ex's

5. Be glad he is a part of his children's life. There are many who are not

You already admit "you know there is nothing between them", then on the other fork of your tongue you are insisting "they make an arrangement". (laughing) The best thing to do, if you and your new wifey don't want to wind up in a courtroom, is to put aside whatever imagined issues you have with this and leave a child custody agreement alone. Just a suggestion. Man to man, if this were to happen to me, some guy pressuring my ex to screw up our legal custody agreement, I'd quickly dispatch the guy (with prejudice) and not look back, plus if he were in your shoes I'd have "fun with immigration" just to distract from the court case and spread out the resources.

Enjoy your life here. You are marrying a woman with children who also have a father who has a legal and moral right to have an active part of his children's life. Deal with it.

I agree with what you are saying but I think....and just think since it's hard to understand the OP...that this dad was the "friend with benefits" up until she met the OP. If that is the case then that is probably why there is jealousy. I know if the shoe was on the other foot and I was marrying a man who still slept with the mother of his child I'd definitely have issues with his going to her house without me there. Then again I probably wouldn't be marrying him in the first place since I would doubt that they were over each other.

My husband knows I hate my ex so there's no issues there. He's married to the woman he left me for and I rarely have any interaction with him. Our arrangement is as the OP is suggesting wherein he or his wife picks the kiddo's up from school. It's the best for all of us since I hate having to see him at all and the kids are being transferred on neutral ground so they don't have to see any friction between us.

[Alt name 1]

I understand what you are saying Bridget, it just seemed to me from reading the original post that there were no specific grounds for concern, just an overactive imagination. I could have mis-interpreted it. You understand how it is trying to move on and still doing what is in your children's best interest. My ex and I, beyond the babies and their business, have nothing else to talk about, we've both moved on, and i'm thankful that we both realize that we both need an active part in their life, and we stay out of and have no interest in each other's personal lives beyond that. On either side, if an SO from outside would step in and try or pressure a change or modification, because of selfishness or jealousy, then what is a comfortable and safe arrangement that has worked out for several years could quickly and needlessly escalate into full-scale combat. Not a good way to start a new married life. That goes for both of us by the way, I wouldnt try to change our arrangements either. Better to incorporate the children and the arrangements with the children into the new life which has been my approach all along.

I can't perceive a mother/father having a "benefits" arrangement. Either they are together or not, I thought about it before my post and read/re-read the OP and interpreted it as a mom trying to just move on, a typical father/mother custody and visitation arrangement, and the mis-interpretation of that arrangement as something more than it is.

You are being selfish and narrow-minded my friend.

1. I am a dad, and I do pick up my children on weekends from my ex-wife. I pick them up, keep them, have fun, return them, and there is nothing more between my ex and I beyond that.

2. You and your fiance I suspect probably have no problem cashing his checks do you? (laughing) never a problem with that I bet

3. Transferring the children from parent to parent needs to be a safe, stress-free environment and the "new man" in their mother's life needs to make sure (that would be YOU) he doesnt add stress either to the children or to their mother, just because you have some sort of shallow imagined jealousy issue.

4. Whatever you are imagining happens at the transfer isn't happening. Just because their dad is part of their life doesn't mean he wants to be part of you and his ex's

5. Be glad he is a part of his children's life. There are many who are not

You already admit "you know there is nothing between them", then on the other fork of your tongue you are insisting "they make an arrangement". (laughing) The best thing to do, if you and your new wifey don't want to wind up in a courtroom, is to put aside whatever imagined issues you have with this and leave a child custody agreement alone. Just a suggestion. Man to man, if this were to happen to me, some guy pressuring my ex to screw up our legal custody agreement, I'd quickly dispatch the guy (with prejudice) and not look back, plus if he were in your shoes I'd have "fun with immigration" just to distract from the court case and spread out the resources.

Enjoy your life here. You are marrying a woman with children who also have a father who has a legal and moral right to have an active part of his children's life. Deal with it.

I agree with what you are saying but I think....and just think since it's hard to understand the OP...that this dad was the "friend with benefits" up until she met the OP. If that is the case then that is probably why there is jealousy. I know if the shoe was on the other foot and I was marrying a man who still slept with the mother of his child I'd definitely have issues with his going to her house without me there. Then again I probably wouldn't be marrying him in the first place since I would doubt that they were over each other.

My husband knows I hate my ex so there's no issues there. He's married to the woman he left me for and I rarely have any interaction with him. Our arrangement is as the OP is suggesting wherein he or his wife picks the kiddo's up from school. It's the best for all of us since I hate having to see him at all and the kids are being transferred on neutral ground so they don't have to see any friction between us.

[Jenn! 918]

Neither of us has been married before, and we don't have any occasion or reason to communicate with ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends. I'm glad for it because I can't see it bringing anything but problems. It's definitely a different story when kids are involved and IMO if you can't get over that aspect, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone with kids from another marriage/relationship.

Edited December 27, 2007 by Jenn!

[sarah and hicham 3]

Neither of us has been married before, and we don't have any occasion or reason to communicate with ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends. I'm glad for it because I can't see it bringing anything but problems. It's definitely a different story when kids are involved and IMO if you can't get over that aspect, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone with kids from another marriage/relationship.

I agree completely. I can't see it causing anything but trouble in a relationship.

[doodlebugg 10]

I understand what you are saying Bridget, it just seemed to me from reading the original post that there were no specific grounds for concern, just an overactive imagination. I could have mis-interpreted it. You understand how it is trying to move on and still doing what is in your children's best interest. My ex and I, beyond the babies and their business, have nothing else to talk about, we've both moved on, and i'm thankful that we both realize that we both need an active part in their life, and we stay out of and have no interest in each other's personal lives beyond that. On either side, if an SO from outside would step in and try or pressure a change or modification, because of selfishness or jealousy, then what is a comfortable and safe arrangement that has worked out for several years could quickly and needlessly escalate into full-scale combat. Not a good way to start a new married life. That goes for both of us by the way, I wouldnt try to change our arrangements either. Better to incorporate the children and the arrangements with the children into the new life which has been my approach all along.

I can't perceive a mother/father having a "benefits" arrangement. Either they are together or not, I thought about it before my post and read/re-read the OP and interpreted it as a mom trying to just move on, a typical father/mother custody and visitation arrangement, and the mis-interpretation of that arrangement as something more than it is.

You are being selfish and narrow-minded my friend.

1. I am a dad, and I do pick up my children on weekends from my ex-wife. I pick them up, keep them, have fun, return them, and there is nothing more between my ex and I beyond that.

2. You and your fiance I suspect probably have no problem cashing his checks do you? (laughing) never a problem with that I bet

3. Transferring the children from parent to parent needs to be a safe, stress-free environment and the "new man" in their mother's life needs to make sure (that would be YOU) he doesnt add stress either to the children or to their mother, just because you have some sort of shallow imagined jealousy issue.

4. Whatever you are imagining happens at the transfer isn't happening. Just because their dad is part of their life doesn't mean he wants to be part of you and his ex's

5. Be glad he is a part of his children's life. There are many who are not

You already admit "you know there is nothing between them", then on the other fork of your tongue you are insisting "they make an arrangement". (laughing) The best thing to do, if you and your new wifey don't want to wind up in a courtroom, is to put aside whatever imagined issues you have with this and leave a child custody agreement alone. Just a suggestion. Man to man, if this were to happen to me, some guy pressuring my ex to screw up our legal custody agreement, I'd quickly dispatch the guy (with prejudice) and not look back, plus if he were in your shoes I'd have "fun with immigration" just to distract from the court case and spread out the resources.

Enjoy your life here. You are marrying a woman with children who also have a father who has a legal and moral right to have an active part of his children's life. Deal with it.

I agree with what you are saying but I think....and just think since it's hard to understand the OP...that this dad was the "friend with benefits" up until she met the OP. If that is the case then that is probably why there is jealousy. I know if the shoe was on the other foot and I was marrying a man who still slept with the mother of his child I'd definitely have issues with his going to her house without me there. Then again I probably wouldn't be marrying him in the first place since I would doubt that they were over each other.

My husband knows I hate my ex so there's no issues there. He's married to the woman he left me for and I rarely have any interaction with him. Our arrangement is as the OP is suggesting wherein he or his wife picks the kiddo's up from school. It's the best for all of us since I hate having to see him at all and the kids are being transferred on neutral ground so they don't have to see any friction between us.

You're right. I totally had to know in my heart that my husband wouldn't interfere at all and there was never even a reason for me to worry since from the start he kept saying "they have a father and I would never want to change that". I'm just trying to think of why on earth someone would feel jealous and the only thing that makes sense is if the fiance is still sleeping i.e. friends with benefits with the dad.