Does this buh anyone else?

[ladybutterfly 0]

I also have to agree with you. I feel it is extremely rude for everyone to talk in a different language around you.

[MHandMB 0]

Wow, Sarah, that sounds EXACTLY like me. I mean, it's realy eerie.

My fiance and I both lived in Paris, and whenever we would get around his brother's family or his Algerian friends, the conversations would constantly be in Arabic. We lived in France, everyone spoke perfectly good French, and they would chit-chat with each other in Arabic like I wasn't even there. I could understand how it could happen every now and then, but every time? The first time I met his family, it was at his little niece's birthday party, and after the initial introductions and polite questions, the only time anyone spoke to me in French it was either Amed or his little niece. I was there for hours and just sat there trying to make out words and blend in.

He and I have had plenty of conversations about it, to the point that I would even stay home sometimes when he met up with his friends because it was like I wasn't even there whenever I did go. He has starting making a real effort with it, and so has his brother, but his friends and some of his extended family still don't try. I know it's a cultural thing, and I do try to keep it from bothering me, but sometimes it does seem so rude. If my family spoke French, I would expect us to all speak it in front of Amed's family instead of conversing in English.

Just keep mentioning it, let him know it bothers you, and that you'll never be able to bond with his family if you can't understand what they're saying. If he takes the lead, maybe they'll start to follow. Also, remind him to introduce you to everyone who comes in. Maybe the uncle felt awkward about meeting a single female non-family member and was waiting on someone else to introduce you and when no one did, he just ignored the situation.

[Together4ever 1]

I also have to agree with you. I feel it is extremely rude for everyone to talk in a different language around you.

I can't quite wrap myself around this. How can you go to a non-english speaking country, in full knowledge that English is limited in the household, and consider it rude when they don't constantly converse in English just because you are in the room? I DO understand that it can begin to get surreal when you walk around not knowing much of what is being said. But on the other hand, sometimes I found it quite refreshing that I could be content in my own little world exchanging smiles. I would ask Mohammed to to translate (if he hadn't already) if I was interested in the conversation.

[ariel_2005 0]

my folks dont speack english and dont expect them to learn but they understand english pretty well specially my dad but cant answer back much .... my husband didnt had any problem when he came to see me because i would translate him every word i was talking with everyone in my family so he allwayes knew what we were talking and same back with my folks ... he even learned few funny words in romanian hehehe.... we're good

[sarah and hicham 3]

Hey I'm not asking for anyone to learn English and to speak English around me. When I was younger I lived in France and I happily learned French so that I could function in school and in the community. I am a true believer that if you go to a foreign country then you should not expect everyone to adjust to you, but that you should adjust to them. I don't expect anyone to learn English for me.

However, in Morocco, French is the second language, and is often incorporated into the Arabic there. Learning Arabic is very difficult for me and I do try but I can't even find any classes in my area to learn more. Honestly I think that because they speak French everyday and have no difficulties speaking it, then maybe while I'm around, or even just when they're talking about me, that they should speak French. I thought that knowing French would help me a lot there and thet is was a good way to communicate with Hicham's family since they speak NO English.

I can't learn Arabic that fast! In the meantime I think it would be nice if they could speak French while I'm there, which is not even that often. Me speaking French is already a big step in Morocco in adjusting to their culture as most people do speak French there. I just hate sitting there knowing that I could be involved in a conversation, or a joke, but that they basically choose for me not to be by speaking Arabic. I feel very left out and uncomfortable when I am around his family.

That's all for now

Sarah

[ariel_2005 0]

settle down !! i was just saying how it was in my case not suggesting something else.... B)

[jordanianprincess 0]

I also have to agree with you. I feel it is extremely rude for everyone to talk in a different language around you.

I can't quite wrap myself around this. How can you go to a non-english speaking country, in full knowledge that English is limited in the household, and consider it rude when they don't constantly converse in English just because you are in the room? I DO understand that it can begin to get surreal when you walk around not knowing much of what is being said. But on the other hand, sometimes I found it quite refreshing that I could be content in my own little world exchanging smiles. I would ask Mohammed to to translate (if he hadn't already) if I was interested in the conversation.

Agreed. No offense to anyone, but the same thing is gonna happen when Hicham comes to the US. People are going to speak english and maybe he will be lost at times. I on the other hand always thought it was rude when my sister in law asked us NOT to speak arabic. Why should a room of people cater to one person? THe reality of it is, if you marry someone that speaks another language, you either learn it or stay in the dark.

Its the same thing when our S/O's come to the USA and learn english.

[Jenn! 918]

I also have to agree with you. I feel it is extremely rude for everyone to talk in a different language around you.

I can't quite wrap myself around this. How can you go to a non-english speaking country, in full knowledge that English is limited in the household, and consider it rude when they don't constantly converse in English just because you are in the room? I DO understand that it can begin to get surreal when you walk around not knowing much of what is being said. But on the other hand, sometimes I found it quite refreshing that I could be content in my own little world exchanging smiles. I would ask Mohammed to to translate (if he hadn't already) if I was interested in the conversation.

Agreed. No offense to anyone, but the same thing is gonna happen when Hicham comes to the US. People are going to speak english and maybe he will be lost at times. I on the other hand always thought it was rude when my sister in law asked us NOT to speak arabic. Why should a room of people cater to one person? THe reality of it is, if you marry someone that speaks another language, you either learn it or stay in the dark.

Its the same thing when our S/O's come to the USA and learn english.

It's a different story though when you can tell that people are talking about YOU, and they are capable of speaking a language you both understand. Don't you think?

Edited to add: Say your SO speaks perfect English, and your family is American and speak English, but they are of Japanese descent. Do you think it's appropriate for everyone to talk about your SO in Japanese when he is present rather than speaking in English?

Edited April 20, 2006 by jenn3539

[jordanianprincess 0]

I also have to agree with you. I feel it is extremely rude for everyone to talk in a different language around you.

I can't quite wrap myself around this. How can you go to a non-english speaking country, in full knowledge that English is limited in the household, and consider it rude when they don't constantly converse in English just because you are in the room? I DO understand that it can begin to get surreal when you walk around not knowing much of what is being said. But on the other hand, sometimes I found it quite refreshing that I could be content in my own little world exchanging smiles. I would ask Mohammed to to translate (if he hadn't already) if I was interested in the conversation.

Agreed. No offense to anyone, but the same thing is gonna happen when Hicham comes to the US. People are going to speak english and maybe he will be lost at times. I on the other hand always thought it was rude when my sister in law asked us NOT to speak arabic. Why should a room of people cater to one person? THe reality of it is, if you marry someone that speaks another language, you either learn it or stay in the dark.

Its the same thing when our S/O's come to the USA and learn english.

It's a different story though when you can tell that people are talking about YOU, and they are capable of speaking a language you both understand. Don't you think?

I can talk about someone in plain english without them knowing if I wanted to. I think that if you are always going to assume that your S/O's family is talking about you then there is another issue.

Maybe they are capable, and we are also capable of learning. Put this is perspective ladies, you are marrying a man that is from another country, speaks another language, his family speaks another language. Both of you have to do something improve communication. Many people have said their S/O is learning english, well don't you think you should do the same? If you speak french, and he speaks french, why does he need to learn english?

You can't expect to marry someone from another country and tell them not to be themselves.

I also have to agree with you. I feel it is extremely rude for everyone to talk in a different language around you.

I can't quite wrap myself around this. How can you go to a non-english speaking country, in full knowledge that English is limited in the household, and consider it rude when they don't constantly converse in English just because you are in the room? I DO understand that it can begin to get surreal when you walk around not knowing much of what is being said. But on the other hand, sometimes I found it quite refreshing that I could be content in my own little world exchanging smiles. I would ask Mohammed to to translate (if he hadn't already) if I was interested in the conversation.

Agreed. No offense to anyone, but the same thing is gonna happen when Hicham comes to the US. People are going to speak english and maybe he will be lost at times. I on the other hand always thought it was rude when my sister in law asked us NOT to speak arabic. Why should a room of people cater to one person? THe reality of it is, if you marry someone that speaks another language, you either learn it or stay in the dark.

Its the same thing when our S/O's come to the USA and learn english.

It's a different story though when you can tell that people are talking about YOU, and they are capable of speaking a language you both understand. Don't you think?

Edited to add: Say your SO speaks perfect English, and your family is American and speak English, but they are of Japanese descent. Do you think it's appropriate for everyone to talk about your SO in Japanese when he is present rather than speaking in English?

That is a different story all together. I'm sorry to say, this is how arabs are, it won't change.

[Jenn! 918]

You can't compare the importance of your SO learning English to the importance of your learning Arabic. The visa journey is to America.

Now, if you're both living in Morocco, then it's more important that you learn Arabic, of course.

It's a different story though when you can tell that people are talking about YOU, and they are capable of speaking a language you both understand. Don't you think?

Edited to add: Say your SO speaks perfect English, and your family is American and speak English, but they are of Japanese descent. Do you think it's appropriate for everyone to talk about your SO in Japanese when he is present rather than speaking in English?

That is a different story all together. I'm sorry to say, this is how arabs are, it won't change.

Exactly, that's what I was trying to get at.

[jordanianprincess 0]

You can't compare the importance of your SO learning English to the importance of your learning Arabic. The visa journey is to America.

Now, if you're both living in Morocco, then it's more important that you learn Arabic, of course.

LOL, why should it matter where you live? If he is arabic then that is a part of his life. Should I stop speaking arabic because I live in America? This has nothing to do with a visa or where you live. Sarah was in Hicham's country at the time this happened too. This is your S/O's first language, it's his families first language, and it will be incorporated into your life through marriage, children, etc.

You can't compare the importance of your SO learning English to the importance of your learning Arabic. The visa journey is to America.

Now, if you're both living in Morocco, then it's more important that you learn Arabic, of course.

It's a different story though when you can tell that people are talking about YOU, and they are capable of speaking a language you both understand. Don't you think?

Edited to add: Say your SO speaks perfect English, and your family is American and speak English, but they are of Japanese descent. Do you think it's appropriate for everyone to talk about your SO in Japanese when he is present rather than speaking in English?

That is a different story all together. I'm sorry to say, this is how arabs are, it won't change.

Exactly, that's what I was trying to get at.

That does not make it wrong!

[Jenn! 918]

I'm sorry. I don't understand why you're arguing with me!

[jordanianprincess 0]

I'm sorry. I don't understand why you're arguing with me!

Not argueing...I just disagree thats all, isn't that what this forum is for? Like I said no offense, don't take it personally, it's just my point of view.

[Jenn! 918]

Should I stop speaking arabic because I live in America? This has nothing to do with a visa or where you live. Sarah was in Hicham's country at the time this happened too. This is your S/O's first language, it's his families first language, and it will be incorporated into your life through marriage, children, etc.

I did not imply that anyone stop speaking arabic.

How can where you live not affect the importance of learning a certain language? If I am going to live in Sweden, certainly it's more important that I can speak Swedish than it is that I can speak Portuguese!

Exactly, that's what I was trying to get at.

That does not make it wrong!

OK, I'm definitely willing to have a friendly debate about this, because I disagree. It seems that we as Americans are not allowed to find something rude if it is something customary in another culture. It doesn't necessarily mean that that the habit is "wrong", but I think Sarah is allowed to be justified in finding something rude. She is looking at things from her prespective, who else's perspective should she be looking at it from?

Edited April 20, 2006 by jenn3539

[honeyblonde 0]

Wow, again you guys make me feel incredibly lucky. Abdel's family is very educated, so most of them speak some English. His 10 year old nephew goes to a private school and is also studying English, so anybody in the house that helps him with his homework learns too.

His family started speaking English at meals while I was there and he said they even continued after I left. They joked that it made it feel like I was still there. One of his brothers has also met a girl from the US and we found out last week that she was over there visiting. His family is even more motivated to learn English now.

Abdel's sisters taught me some words in Arabic while I was there, and joked that if I could stay I would be "Arabia" very soon. Now that Abdel is here I try to learn one new French word each night. Sometimes when school is busy I forget, but still it helps to learn when I can remember. He is a really patient teacher so that makes it easy.

I never felt left out when I was in Morocco. Even when we went to the countryside Abdel stayed right beside me translating when he could keep up. His old aunt brought in two baby chicks for me to hold and play with while the family sat and talked, and they all loved how I cuddled the little things up under my chin. I know they talked about me sometimes, but I thought that was natural. You are going to ask your family members about their new fiancee if you get to do so when the other can't understand. I know my sister and I have long phone conversations about the latest guy she's dating and if he didn't speak English, I doubt she would care if he was in the room when we talked. It's not that people are talking bad about you, it's just that they want to know all about you.

When we went to Abdel's other old uncle's house Abdel told me that he was telling me to take his wife back to America with him and send him an American wife. I joked back, with Abdel translating, that he wouldn't want an American wife because she wouldn't kill chickens and cook them for his dinner, and she would want new clothes all the time and spend all his money. His aunt loved my answer and we all got a good laugh. I didn't see the language barrier as a block to communicating.

Also, Sarah, not all Moroccans speak French as well as you might think. Abdel's youngest brother speaks only a few words of it, and those from the countryside often speak none. Even his nephew struggles with it. It is normal to assume that since it is the second language there it is well known by all, but that is an incorrect assumption.

As for the uncle not speaking to you or being intruduced, that is cultural. When I went to my last husband's village, I was not introduced to any men, and in fact, the women and men stayed in separate rooms except when it was just the immediate family. I was offended by it, but that was the way it was in his family. It sounds like this uncle was used to that culture, but the rest of his family doesn't sound so bad, maybe just a little careless.

Have you tried speaking to the group in French and inserting yourself into the conversations?