VSC, the 'C' stands for cluster$@%

[Mags 112]

I've visited this thread before to warn you all about certain things and I'm afraid that I'm doing so again. Encouraging vandalism/lawbreaking against anything (in this case the VSC), regardless of its "jokey" nature is against the TOS.

This is the last warning for this thread. Please cool down a bit guys or I will be forced to lock it. Vent all you want but keep it clean. Thanks.

party POOPer

Just doing my job, but there are better ways to handle stress than threaten government buildings, imo.

Edited January 22, 2008 by Mags

[AnewKINDofFEELIN 0]

Just doing my job, but there are better ways to handle stress than threaten government buildings, imo.

I just assumed Big Brother would get the joke

Sorry for making you be mean.

[virgillionaire 0]

Apparently from her pics, she is not a dog (poop) person

[virgillionaire 0]

After waiting almost 8 months now with no activity on my petition I was wondering what could possibly be keeping VSC busy. However, I uncovered this internal VSC memo which may explain some of the delays in processing:

Identifying wasted time

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using VSC Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing VSC supplies

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying VSC property

6203 Using VSC Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using VSC Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen VSC supplies

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on VSC Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on VSC Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

8600 Staring at pile of unopened files on desk

[~Laura and Nick~ 5]

"6603 Writing a Book on VSC Time"

LOL

This made me laugh out loud...

TOO FUNNY!

[virgillionaire 0]

In my ongoing research to find out what the $%#@ is wrong with uscis I came across this new scientific research online:

RE: Dangerous New Addition to the Periodic Table of Elements -

Administratium

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction in which it is present. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days when it would normally occur in less than a second.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist it tends to condense at certain points such as college and university campuses and government centers and can usually be found near the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Finally, scientists point out the dangers of Administratium. It is known to be toxic in large quantities and can easily destroy areas in which it is allowed to collect. It has been suggested that Administratium be confined to small doses only to prevent irreversible damage occurring.

[reginaait 0]

Well, I have lots of time now that I've past 6 months with no 'touches' on my petition and no end in sight. So I've decided to have a little gallows humor at vsc's expense.

Have fun with their initials, tell stories about stupid a$$ customer service answers, tell lazy government jokes. I want to hear them cause I'm bored and need to blow off a little vsc steam ...

Hope I don't violate the terms of service with this

Here's one to get the ball rolling VSC = Very Stupid Central

omg!! did you ever recieve your noa1.. it seems like you should have your noa2 by now.. have you called them?I feel bad for you..

[virgillionaire 0]

Well, I have lots of time now that I've past 6 months with no 'touches' on my petition and no end in sight. So I've decided to have a little gallows humor at vsc's expense.

Have fun with their initials, tell stories about stupid a$$ customer service answers, tell lazy government jokes. I want to hear them cause I'm bored and need to blow off a little vsc steam ...

Hope I don't violate the terms of service with this

Here's one to get the ball rolling VSC = Very Stupid Central

omg!! did you ever recieve your noa1.. it seems like you should have your noa2 by now.. have you called them?I feel bad for you..

yep, noa1 dated 4 days after i sent it, june 8. It's bizarre how my petition and a few others can go 8 months without being 'touched', while they are approving files from october.

I guess I'll try to go for the record of longest wait for noa2

[charlene 0]

Did you ever hear from the Obudsman inquiry???

[virgillionaire 0]

Did you ever hear from the Obudsman inquiry???

Well, the letter states I'll get a reply FROM USCIS within 45 days. So if it's not the ombudsman who answers but uscis, I guess 45 days could be ... 30 days after 45 days or 60 days from the letter or .. never?

But really I'm curious to see if I get a touch to show they at least looked at my file to see what the complaint is about - so far nothing

[virgillionaire 0]

VSC WORKER

A USCIS Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp and a bunch of I129f petitions. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes the lamp home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his USCIS office.

[AnewKINDofFEELIN 0]

VSC WORKER

A USCIS Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp and a bunch of I129f petitions. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes the lamp home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his USCIS office.

[ric 0]

Did you ever hear from the Obudsman inquiry???

Well, the letter states I'll get a reply FROM USCIS within 45 days. So if it's not the ombudsman who answers but uscis, I guess 45 days could be ... 30 days after 45 days or 60 days from the letter or .. never?

But really I'm curious to see if I get a touch to show they at least looked at my file to see what the complaint is about - so far nothing

Here's hoping that the influx of inquiries from the customer service reps, and the ombudsman kicks them in the pants about the outstanding backlog. This is ridiculous. I'm going to go back to my congressperson as well, even tho the regional liason has been ridiculously useless in the past, I'm not letting her tell me that I should just wait another bloody month.

Also, ... that joke was hilariously awesome. My fiance had quite a laugh as well.

[virgillionaire 0]

Did you ever hear from the Obudsman inquiry???

Well, the letter states I'll get a reply FROM USCIS within 45 days. So if it's not the ombudsman who answers but uscis, I guess 45 days could be ... 30 days after 45 days or 60 days from the letter or .. never?

But really I'm curious to see if I get a touch to show they at least looked at my file to see what the complaint is about - so far nothing

Here's hoping that the influx of inquiries from the customer service reps, and the ombudsman kicks them in the pants about the outstanding backlog. This is ridiculous. I'm going to go back to my congressperson as well, even tho the regional liason has been ridiculously useless in the past, I'm not letting her tell me that I should just wait another bloody month.

Also, ... that joke was hilariously awesome. My fiance had quite a laugh as well.

thanks, I only steal the best jokes I think the ombudsman could have an impact, I just hope it's sooner rather than later!

[virgillionaire 0]

From the new VSC employee orientation handbook:

Tips To Look Like You Are Working Hard

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.

People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.

Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy.

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy desk.

Build huge piles of I129f files around your workspace.

To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.

Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail.

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.

If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.

One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late.

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read, but have no time until late before leaving.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect.

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy.

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... You can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary.

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.

Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. If someone is heading your way with what looks like a job for you or you just want to sound busy as the boss is walking around your department, have a conversation with the phone. Sound very serious but distant. "I'm very busy, I can't do this right now. No, not at all. Just e-mail it to me. Yes, I will check it later."

11. Write big words on file folders, to emphasize how URGENT a task is and how soon something is DUE. If companies send you documents or products to examine, make sure you leave their huge stacks of corporate propaganda on your desk.

12. Your "TO DO" box should be filled, but your "DONE" box should be overflowing with files (never mind that they're empty).

13. Always look preoccupied and busy with a task. Walk really quickly through the office and if someone starts talking to you "Not now, I'm swamped. E-mail me, I'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible!" All those deadlines, I tell ya.

14. Get to work slightly before everyone else. Make yourself look a bit stressed (undue your tie or mess up your hair a bit). Each time someone from your department arrives (especially your boss), look at them, look at your watch and then back at them with a look of disbelief and disgust. Increase exponentially for each minute late they arrive.

15. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to the ombudsman by mistake!!!

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