Dear Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

Firstly, I just want to Thank You for the beautiful, autographed picture you sent. My husband was absolutely thrilled! As soon as he got it- he took it straight to the bathroom. Unfortunately, his bathroom time has increased- I have tried giving him the metamucil, bran muffins, Fiber One and anything else I could think of to help relieve his problem. None of these things seem to be doing the trick. I am starting to think this may be a serious medical problem and I am getting quite worried.

I just don't know what to do Joyce.

Please help.

Not ready to be a widow.

Dear Not ready to be a widow:

Good heavens, that sounds like quite a hold-up there! I'm sorry to learn that my autographed photo didn't seem to have the effect I was hoping for. Some of my fans have said that I inspire them in ways they never thought possible, but perhaps your husband's situation calls for a different approach: Phospho-soda. Your husband may not like the idea of such a drastic measure, so why not make a photocopy of my picture and paste it on the bottle before giving it to him? Thank goodness we have these modern technologies to help out!

Keep me posted on your progress, and let your husband know that he can do it!

Love,

Joyce

Dear Joyce,

Do you think that grumpy people, especially around the holidays, just need a little more Cool Whip in their lives?

Elf Pants

Efl Pants, you know it!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

What is the name for the little depression under your nose and above your upper lip? What is it's function?

Signed,

Leonard Lippy

Dear Leonard Lippy:

Why, that's the philtrum, and it's there to show off your earth-toned lipstick, of course!

Be your best!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I got out a pair of my sunglasses last night because you said big glasses would increase my sex appeal. Will these do?

Dear Amber:

Those are some fantastic glasses! Personally, I'd go bigger (bigger is better, I say!), but each person has to develop his or her own personal style. And those are a fine start.

Have you made an appointment for your triple perm yet? Not to be pushy, but around the holidays, it can be difficult to get an appointment. You'll want to look at Christmas pictures years from now and say, "Wow, that was one of the best triple perms ever!" And you better tell your husband to look out!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

To measure temperatures, many people fry eggs on the sidewalk. Is this the only food that works?

Signed,

C.O.Jones

Dear C.O. Jones:

As some of the youngsters say, get with the times! (I mean that with affection, of course!)

I say, get yourself a thermometer to measure temperature.

Then crank up the fondue pot, set out some Cool Whip, put on my album, and get ready for some fun! (And maybe call Alan Alda!)

Love,

Joyce

[Amby 490]

Thank so much Joyce! YOU ARE A LIFESAVER! Since I already have curly hair I plan on going to the craft store tonight to buy some rubber cement to get my hair to look just like yours.

[Amby 490]

Thank so much Joyce! YOU ARE A LIFESAVER! Since I already have curly hair I plan on going to the craft store tonight to buy some rubber cement to get my hair to look just like yours.

whoops double post sorry

[Nagishkaw 510]

Dear Joyce,

To measure temperatures, many people fry eggs on the sidewalk. Is this the only food that works?

Signed,

C.O.Jones

Dear C.O. Jones:

As some of the youngsters say, get with the times! (I mean that with affection, of course!)

I say, get yourself a thermometer to measure temperature.

Then crank up the fondue pot, set out some Cool Whip, put on my album, and get ready for some fun! (And maybe call Alan Alda!)

Love,

Joyce

Dear Joyce,

I am writing to thank you for your expertise advise . I did as you recommended...all except calling Alan Alda. But... I was able to reach Randy Mantooth, instead! How's that for getting with the times? Your so far out and groovy, Joyce!

Sincerely,

C.O. Jones

[Peikko 1,575]

Dear Joyce

Oh dear, what a conundrum! Here I am, seeking your advice, but when you suggest I allow my husband to experiment with household chores, well I have to admit I'm not ready for that just yet. While I do like to think of myself as a modern woman in most respects, I was brought up to be queen of my domain and I just can't let that go. Quite honestly the thought of my husband with a feather duster is bringing me out in hives!

Talking of, is Cool Whip good with allergies?

Yours still on the throne

Mrs Holdem

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce

Oh dear, what a conundrum! Here I am, seeking your advice, but when you suggest I allow my husband to experiment with household chores, well I have to admit I'm not ready for that just yet. While I do like to think of myself as a modern woman in most respects, I was brought up to be queen of my domain and I just can't let that go. Quite honestly the thought of my husband with a feather duster is bringing me out in hives!

Talking of, is Cool Whip good with allergies?

Yours still on the throne

Mrs Holdem

Dear Mrs. Holdem

Goodness! Hives! Now, that won't bring out the best in you, or your pantsuit. Being liberated is all about doing what you--yes, you, Mrs. Holdem--want, unencumbered by silly societal expectations. So, if you would rather your husband not participate in household tasks, I say, no problem. Just say, "Dear, please put down that feather duster. I'm not sure it's you!"

Now, for that plumbing problem you mentioned earlier, have you considered calling a plumber? There's no shame in that.

Love,

Joyce

[Peikko 1,575]

Dear Joyce

Oh my, oh my, no, there is shame, indeed there is. The last time I had the plumber in to inspect my pipes I found myself admiring his wrench rather more ardently than is becoming for a married woman. What to do?

Yours fervently

Mrs Holdem

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Dear Joyce,

I had a dream about you last night. You were wearing a bodysuit with the same technicolor patter as your dress and there was this large tub of Cool Whip. You placed your glasses on the table and then the rest is all a blur, but I woke up to rapid breathing. I think I'm going to have to refrain from writing to you for a day or so until my dreams go back to being about the towel holder for the Dallas Cheerleaders.

Whipped by your Coolness,

Wet Pants

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce

Oh my, oh my, no, there is shame, indeed there is. The last time I had the plumber in to inspect my pipes I found myself admiring his wrench rather more ardently than is becoming for a married woman. What to do?

Yours fervently

Mrs Holdem

Dear Mrs. Holdem

Relax! This is a new era! Why, when I was a girl, we weren't even allowed to touch tools! I didn't even know what a wrench was, let alone its uses! But nowadays, women have much more knowledge about "manly" tools and how to use them. So, go ahead and admire your plumber's wrench! Maybe he'll even let you try it out!

Embrace the new, enlightened times, Mrs. Holdem! Grab those tools with both hands, and don't look back!

Love,

Joyce

[Nagishkaw 510]

Dear Joyce,

I recently bought a Tesla coil at a garage sale. The guy who sold it to me claimed it would allow me to communicate with beings on other planets and cook popcorn in less than 50 nanoseconds. He also mentioned that if used correctly, it would bring about world peace. Was this guy on the level?

Signed,

Ward B.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I had a dream about you last night. You were wearing a bodysuit with the same technicolor patter as your dress and there was this large tub of Cool Whip. You placed your glasses on the table and then the rest is all a blur, but I woke up to rapid breathing. I think I'm going to have to refrain from writing to you for a day or so until my dreams go back to being about the towel holder for the Dallas Cheerleaders.

Whipped by your Coolness,

Wet Pants

Dear Wet Pants:

Goodness! I hope you have a clothes dryer!

And how interesting that you dream about Cool Whip!

I have to say, the scenario in your dream is very unlikely. I never take off my glasses! I feel that they are an extension of my very being! I just wouldn't be Joyce without them.

Good luck with those cheerleaders!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I recently bought a Tesla coil at a garage sale. The guy who sold it to me claimed it would allow me to communicate with beings on other planets and cook popcorn in less than 50 nanoseconds. He also mentioned that if used correctly, it would bring about world peace. Was this guy on the level?

Signed,

Ward B.

Dear Ward B.

Thanks for writing! I'm afraid I don't know a whole lot about Tesla coils, but I do know a thing or two about popcorn! Give me a bowl of popcorn and a can of Tab, and I'm a happy lady!

Did the garage sale feature clothing? I have found such sales to be great places to get people's unwanted (believe it!) pantsuits. In fact, I bought one of my favorites at a garage sale for $2! I said, "I'll pay double!" because I expected a bidding war! Imagine my surprise when the seller told me that he'd pay me to take it away! Not very savvy, I tell you! Ultimately, I insisted that he take $2. I bet he's regretted that decision ever since!

Love,

Joyce