Dear Joyce

[*julez* 124]

Dear Joyce,

The world is a better place for me knowing that I have you to turn to in times of uncertainty. You have been such an inspiration to me, and I'm sure to all of us! This advice coumn of your is the greatest Christmas gift ever! A true Christmas miracle!

In the spirit of holiday giving, will you please share with us what makes Christmas special for your family? Also, do you have any ideas for last minute Christmas gifts? I have a few people left to buy for and I don't know where to begin at this late stage!

Finally, I have puzzling over whether or not I should make a New Year's resolution. WWJD - What Would Joyce Do?

Yours Truly,

Christmas Conundrum

[SteveLaura 0]

Dear Joyce,

You seem to be a modern, liberated and level-headed woman. Have you ever thought of getting into politics? I think this country needs someone with your positive attitude, vim and joie de vive. (And I'm sure the Oval Office could do with a makeover by now - pine panelling and shag carpets, anyone?)

Yours, in hope for a "Joyce in '08"

SteveLaura

[Peikko 1,575]

Re Joyce in the White House - I don't think so, do we really want to lose the one voice of reason we have left to the black hole that is politics? Still, your makeover suggestions are certainly winners and get my vote!

[Peikko 1,575]

Dear Joyce

After purchasing a tub of Cool Whip, as per your advice, I started to apply it sparingly to the offensive odourous orifice. Imagine my suprise when my husband suddenly popped up out of nowhere and suggested he give a lending hand? My husband, who's contribution to household tasks is as a rule confined to making creative suggestions on how one should correctly wield the vacume cleaner which is quite the proper way if you ask me. Needless to say I am a little confused as to how to deal with this development and need some advice soonest.

Yours expectantly

Mrs Holdem

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

What can I do for this day not to drag and be 1400 soon?

Thanks

Mrs. #######

Dear Mrs. #######:

Thanks for writing! Wow, sounds like a military gal! (Don't forget, one must be observant to be an advice columnist!) When I was a few years younger and my helmet was just a bit bigger and fuller, I had a relationship with a dashing serviceman. But that's a story for another time.

Goodness, there are many ways you could encourage the hours to pass quickly, but time is precious. My grandmother, who was a very wise woman (and she had the most beautiful helmet in all of the lower 48), said, "Life is what happens while you're making other plans." And you know what? John Lennon stole her quote! Like he himself was some kind of Zen master! Goodness! I don't harbor resentment (that's against one of the 20 Tenets of Joyce), but it is good advice. Just remember that it was from Joyce's grandma, not John Lennon. Or indeed Buddha.

Now, if you have a really boring job, it's time to start looking elsewhere! Think about something you'd like to do that will bring joy to the world. Do you feel your talents are wasted behind the desk? Is your calling in helmet design? Or maybe you could be the best timpani player ever, if only you knew! Or maybe you can learn upholstery and transform some of today's terrible couch fabrics into something that really says, "This is me!"

I say, let your imagination run wild!

Love,

Joyce

[Nessa 23]

Thanks for the advice, dear Joyce. You're a very wise woman

[MissStacey 1]

Dear Joyce,

Firstly, I just want to Thank You for the beautiful, autographed picture you sent. My husband was absolutely thrilled! As soon as he got it- he took it straight to the bathroom. Unfortunately, his bathroom time has increased- I have tried giving him the metamucil, bran muffins, Fiber One and anything else I could think of to help relieve his problem. None of these things seem to be doing the trick. I am starting to think this may be a serious medical problem and I am getting quite worried.

I just don't know what to do Joyce.

Please help.

Not ready to be a widow.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Dear Joyce,

Do you think that grumpy people, especially around the holidays, just need a little more Cool Whip in their lives?

Elf Pants

[Amby 490]

Dear Joyce,

Do you think that grumpy people, especially around the holidays, just need a little more Cool Whip in their lives?

Elf Pants

[Nagishkaw 510]

Dear Joyce,

What is the name for the little depression under your nose and above your upper lip? What is it's function?

Signed,

Leonard Lippy

[Amby 490]

Dear Joyce,

I got out a pair of my sunglasses last night because you said big glasses would increase my sex appeal. Will these do?

[Nagishkaw 510]

Dear Joyce,

To measure temperatures, many people fry eggs on the sidewalk. Is this the only food that works?

Signed,

C.O.Jones

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

The world is a better place for me knowing that I have you to turn to in times of uncertainty. You have been such an inspiration to me, and I'm sure to all of us! This advice coumn of your is the greatest Christmas gift ever! A true Christmas miracle!

In the spirit of holiday giving, will you please share with us what makes Christmas special for your family? Also, do you have any ideas for last minute Christmas gifts? I have a few people left to buy for and I don't know where to begin at this late stage!

Finally, I have puzzling over whether or not I should make a New Year's resolution. WWJD - What Would Joyce Do?

Yours Truly,

Christmas Conundrum

Dear Christmas Conundrum:

Goodness, my heartfelt thanks for your compliments, and I'm delighted to be of help.

The winter holidays have always been among my favorites. Our family celebrates both Hanukkah and Christmas (confusing, I know!), which means double the fondue! No one beats Joyce with a dreidel, I tell you what! But I also enjoy decorating the Christmas tree with M*A*S*H ornaments (have I mentioned my weakness for Alan Alda? Grrrrowl!). One bittersweet year, my lime green and red striped polyester skirt caught onto the corner of a snow plow blade (don't ask!) and tore it nearly in half! And it sure gave the guys across the street an eyeful! But anyway, it was beyond repair, sadly. But suddenly I realized that my former Christmas skirt would make a great tree skirt! Talk about Christmas miracles!

And yes, I do have a few ideas for last-minute Christmas gifts. In my opinion, these are perfect for guys or gals, and if someone doesn't agree, well isn't he or she just a Scrooge?

(1) The complete set of Rhoda on VHS

(2) A single rose

(3) Two fondue sets (why just one?)

(4) My album, of course!

Good luck!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

You seem to be a modern, liberated and level-headed woman. Have you ever thought of getting into politics? I think this country needs someone with your positive attitude, vim and joie de vive. (And I'm sure the Oval Office could do with a makeover by now - pine panelling and shag carpets, anyone?)

Yours, in hope for a "Joyce in '08"

SteveLaura

Dear SteveLaura:

Thanks for writing! And what a sweet compliment, my goodness, my head's getting bigger by the day! (And given the size of my helmet, that may give me some trouble getting into the car!)

I've sent several urgent letters to the White House over the years, offering my services as an interior decorator, but I've heard nothing! On two occasions, I even sent a complimentary copy of my album--autographed!--and I didn't even receive a thank you card! No manners from the White House, can you believe it? Well, it's their loss.

Although it is appealing to try out politics and share with everyone the 20 Tenets of Joyce, I fear that it would take too much time away from my passions! I believe that the world would benefit from my liberated mind, but sheesh--think of all the work!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce

After purchasing a tub of Cool Whip, as per your advice, I started to apply it sparingly to the offensive odourous orifice. Imagine my suprise when my husband suddenly popped up out of nowhere and suggested he give a lending hand? My husband, who's contribution to household tasks is as a rule confined to making creative suggestions on how one should correctly wield the vacume cleaner which is quite the proper way if you ask me. Needless to say I am a little confused as to how to deal with this development and need some advice soonest.

Yours expectantly

Mrs Holdem

Dr. Mrs. Holdem:

Kudos to you for making that Cool Whip run so quickly! And as for your husband offering his services, well, it's about time he helped out around the house, right? You're a modern woman. I say, embrace his help, be encouraging, and give him direction.

You just lie back and relax for once while your husband finally pulls his weight! These are modern times, Mrs. Holdem, it's time to embrace the new!

Love,

Joyce