Dear Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have another matter weighing heavily on my mind. I learned today that the highway for salvation is in fact....Highway I-35 (connecting southern Texas to northern Minnesota). How can I make up for 26 years of ignorance of this very important piece of information? Or am I doomed forever? Does salvation apply only to the vehicle driver, or to all passengers? What happens if you are driving on the highway to salvation but are not wearing a seatbelt?

Also...do you know the meaning of life?

Thank you,

Newlywed I just realized that the reason the kitty is purring is because the husky is asleep

Dear Newlywed:

Goodness! That's some serious stuff there!

Joyce says, always look forward, not back. And remember, salvation can take many forms. For me, it was when I first heard the xylophone. Jumpin' pastels, I thought I'd entered another dimension! My life changed forever. Music was my calling, and I've never looked back. You shouldn't either, Newlywed.

I wouldn't purport to know the meaning of life. After all, everyone has his or her own style. But I do know that synthetic fabrics and high-quality eyeglass frames have added such joy to my life.

Good luck!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dearest Joyce,

First let me say that you a sexual tyrannosaurus of a woman.

Now that's out of the way. My buddy is having a birthday soon. He's never experienced a REAL woman like yourself, and would be most honored for you to jump out of his cake. Is this at all possible?

Dear Matt85,

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that you're not the first to make such a request! I'm flattered (in fact, I'm giggling as I write this), but I have retired from cake jumping because they just don't make cakes the way they used to. I'm sorry! But I hope that your friend has a wonderful birthday! Make sure there's plenty of Cool Whip!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I've got the TV tuned to the 80's music channel. I'd forgotten what ####### they put out in the 80's. Whoever does the mixing on the digital channel network should be fired. Why is your stuff not being played?

Signed,

Frustrated in Florida

Dear Krikit:

Thank you for such a sweet compliment! Unfortunately, the music business is a ferocious entity. Where's the appreciation for true talent? As you may know, I'm a highly accomplished dancer, yet no company has suggested that I make a music video! How many entertainers can move like I do but still keep the hair as one mass? Not many, I tell you what!

But stay tuned! One day there might be JoyceTV!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

i'll give this a try.......

dear joyce:

i ran across the following picture:

what i'm confused about is this: is she looking longingly in the direction of #######, maybe anticipating a trip there, or did she just come from there and is reminiscing about her trip?

signed

#######

Dear #######:

Goodness, what a lovely young woman! She is clearly not at her best in that photo. She is wearing cotton fabrics, it appears, and her hair is all over the place! But she has potential.

I believe that she is looking toward ####### not longingly, but with an adventurer's eye. What lies over the hills?

Let's hope that she comes to her senses and gets herself a pantsuit!

Love,

Joyce

[*julez* 124]

Dear Joyce,

I read with great interest your comment to Krikit regarding your hair. Just how do you manage to control that fro? I'm sure many of us here could benefit from your hair styling tips, as much as we already have from your fashion tips! You certainly do have your finger on the pulse of fashion! I can only admire such a trend setter!

Thanks,

Julez

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce

I have a serious problem with my drains and need some expert help.

The problem first came to the surface when a nasty smell started to emanate from that general area. I did the usual plunging and irrigation that one normally performs with such odours but to no avail.

At first it was barely noticeable and only my husband seemed aware of it. However, more recently it seems that it has become significantly stronger and I am very worried the neighbours will start complaining.

Please, please help me!

Yours

Nose Holding.

Dear Nose Holding:

Cool whip!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

How many trees does it take to make all the occupant mail? And also, can you tell me why do meteors fall down instead of up?

Signed,

Occupant

Dear Occupant:

You know, I've often wondered about the occupant mail! I say, four trees.

And as for the meteors, I admit that I'm not an expert in all matters, so I say, put on those glittery dancing shoes and break out the noise makers!

Love,

Joyce

[Peikko 1,575]

Dear Joyce

You don't hold with Yogurt then?

Mrs Holding.

[Nessa 23]

Dear Joyce

I've noticed you're obsessed with Cool Whip. What was the cause of that? Did your parents deny you the use of cool whip when you were a child?

Thanks,

Mrs. #######

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

Dear Joyce, my wife is having great difficulties applying a condom with her mouth, it keeps getting stuck in the back of her throat. We would like to incorporate this act into our sex-play but damned if all that gagging does'nt distract us from such a pleasurable act. Please help!

All choked-up.

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

Dear Joyce, my wife is having great difficulties applying a condom with her mouth, it keeps getting stuck in the back of her throat. We would like to incorporate this act into our sex-play but damned if all that gagging does'nt distract us from such a pleasurable act. Please help!

All choked-up.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Dear Joyce,

Do you sometimes just dip your face into the Cool Whip and then lick it off? Also, what are you wearing underneath that Technicolor dress of yours?

Dear Mr. Fancypants:

I'd be glad to explain in more detail my technique for using Cool Whip as an exfoliant. Rather than dipping my face into the Cool Whip (imagine the waste!), I apply it to my face with cotton rounds. I use a very thin film (waste not want not, I always say!), which I let dry before wiping it off gently with witch hazel. Voila! Beautiful skin!

Now, Mr. Fancypants, because you're a loyal reader, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I know that I told another loyal reader, Dean, that what he sees in the picture is 100% Joyce. Now, that is true, but I get a little help from a polyester bodysuit that I wear underneath the striped dress. It accentuates my figure in all the right places, I'm sure you'll agree!

Love,

Joyce

Thank you, Joyce! I you! I'm looking forward to your greatest hits album.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I read with great interest your comment to Krikit regarding your hair. Just how do you manage to control that fro? I'm sure many of us here could benefit from your hair styling tips, as much as we already have from your fashion tips! You certainly do have your finger on the pulse of fashion! I can only admire such a trend setter!

Thanks,

Julez

Dear Julez:

Although often the popular media refer to my meticulous hairdo as a "fro," I prefer to call it what it is: a highly stylish hair helmet.

I don't want to give away my secret completely, but one of the main ingredients in my proprietary hair product is rubber cement! Believe it!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce

You don't hold with Yogurt then?

Mrs Holding.

Dear Mrs. Holding:

Yogurt, goodness no! That belief is part of a wider conspiracy, don't fall for it! You're a smart lady, I can tell. Cool Whip is the way to go.

And tell your neighbors to mind their own business! (politely, of course!)

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce

I've noticed you're obsessed with Cool Whip. What was the cause of that? Did your parents deny you the use of cool whip when you were a child?

Thanks,

Mrs. #######

Dear Mrs. #######:

Thanks for writing! Don't be fooled by the psychobabble espoused today! An appreciation for delicious nondairy whipped topping and its myriad uses doesn't have to have its origins in childhood deprivation!

Now, get out there and see for yourself! Toss aside those contact lenses and see the world through giant lenses! You can do it!

Love,

Joyce