Dear Joyce

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Have you tried wearing leather? Some men enjoy that sort of thing...

I was hoping Joyce would recommend Cool Whip.

[Ban Hammer 13,337]

I was hoping Joyce would recommend Cool Whip.

it depends on where you're gonna put the cool whip.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

it depends on where you're gonna put the cool whip.

You'd have to ask Joyce for the etiquette surrounding Cool Whip application. I know far more about growing out my leg hair, reading the SCUM Manifesto and expecting unsuspecting red-blooded American men to fawn upon me and grant my every wish. More's the pity.

[Susita 175]

Don't waste the Cool Whip. Make an icebox cake!

How to Make an Icebox Cake

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

How can I stop being such a man-hating harridan? I thought I had atoned for my past sins by replacing the defective, European, metrosexual model I had with a cheeseburger-lovin' American, but still I can't overcome my ball-breaking ways. A groovy chick like you must know SOMETHING I can do.

Signed,

Maven.

Dear Maven,

Goodness! Thanks for writing, and of course I can help! First, be positive. Put on your best stiff polyester dress (brown and lavender if you have it) and (try to) run a comb through your helmet. If you meet resistance and lose hold of the comb, all the more groovy!

(1) Now, repeat after me: "I'm not a man-hating harridan. I am the ultimate in groovy!" Write this down ten times in green pen.

(2) Pretend you're having a get-together of about 10 people, and make enough G&Ts for everyone. Drink three and leave the rest for cocktail hour!

(3) Ask your man to make you a cheeseburger. When it's done, say, "It's really for you!" He'll really appreciate the generosity and pleasant surprise! (Remember, you want to fit into your grooviest fashions, so you may want to opt for celery sticks dipped in a fondue of your choice. I assume you have a fondue pot operating at all times?)

Regarding the ball-busting, could you indicate what kind of balls you're talking about? I try not to be wasteful! I hope you're not talking about beach balls! When I was a tad younger, I was at the beach with some of my grooviest girlfriends. A dashing chap in a very flattering Speedo said I caught his eye when I was sauntering along the shoreline holding two giant beach balls in front of me. We had a very exciting time together that lasted all summer. Imagine if I'd busted those balls! I think his name was Sherman. You could say we shared a lot of G&Ts!

Goodness! I almost forgot! I need to update everyone on my tour of Minsk nightclubs. It was fantastic, and the lovely local ladies couldn't get enough of my groovy advice! At the end of one concert, several of them assembled backstage, and I gave an impromptu fashion lesson. Look out, Minsk! I can tell you, the city has never looked so groovy! A strange thing happened, though. While I was discussing the best way to doctor a chocolate fondue to really make the guests say Wow! (the secret is expired prescription downers), I noticed a herd of unfit, poly-cotton-blend pleated-pants-wearing gentlemen outside, pressing their mustaches up against the glass. Some of them were salivating like starving wildebeests. I figured they wanted some fondue, but they said they weren't interested! In perfect English! I still don’t know what they wanted. Touring sure is interesting!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Goodness! Five years of groovy advice! Could it be?!

It's time to celebrate with a G&T and an extra-large dollop of Cool Whip!

Love,

Joyce

[TBoneTX 45,288]

Or a wedgie?

Congratulations on a worthily long-lasting thread, si ma'am, and may it continue.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Or a wedgie?

Congratulations on a worthily long-lasting thread, si ma'am, and may it continue.

Goodness! Thank you, Mr. TBone! I hear the iron in a T-bone steak really helps with the fullness of one's helmet! Although I stick to supplements mostly, otherwise I wouldn't be able to fit into my form-fitting polyester dress! Oh, to be able to eat anything and still look stunning in a synthetic jumpsuit...would I have to make a pact with the devil (i.e., the cotton industry)? Tee hee! Just kidding!

Love,

Joyce

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Dear Joyce,

I'm taking my boyfriend home to meet my daddy for the first time tomorrow. (Gulp!) Any advice for a modern woman who wants to respect her parental abode but is wont to want to get a little frisky over the holidays with her main squeeze? I don't have time for soundproofing. Help!

Yours in near silence

Maven.

[panamania79 2]

Dear VJ readers:

AOS Despair (aka Julie) has kindly allowed me to use her VJ account to offer my advice column, Dear Joyce, here in OT.

For those of you who may not be familiar with me, I am the lovely lady, if I may toot my own horn, who appears in AOS Despair's signature. I released a self-titled album in the early 1980s, which included such chartbusters as "I Get All Excited," and "Get Your Hands Off My Polyester (I'm Not That Kind of Woman)."

I am a liberated woman who has much to offer today's discerning readers. Ladies, have you grown confused by the plethora of synthetic fabrics available today? Are you perplexed by all the conflicting advice out there about what to look for in a pantsuit? Have you ever been told that you can't beat a man at tennis, and other such put-downs? I can address these issues and more. I can give you tips on keeping your helmet hairstyle immobile amid the fiercest hurricane conditions, and never again will you wonder which earrings are optimal for complementing your giant, perfectly round tinted glasses.

And guys, I haven't forgotten about you. Are you finding it difficult to carry on a conversation with a career woman? Are you frustrated that women today don't know how to make a soufflé or prepare a fondue? Are you wondering why you can't seem to rope yourself a "Joyce"? Well, I've got advice for you too. Do you find it curious that these average Joes manage to "hook up" with Joyces while you're at home on a Friday night entertaining yourself, so to speak?

Please, don't be shy. Dear Joyce is at your service. I look forward to hearing from you.

Love,

<img src="http://www.visajourney.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rose.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="" border="0" alt="rose.gif" /> Joyce <img src="style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rose.gif" style="vertical-align:middle" emoid="" border="0" alt="rose.gif" />

OMG I havent seen you in awhile,Im so glad you're still here giving helpful advice!lol

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I'm taking my boyfriend home to meet my daddy for the first time tomorrow. (Gulp!) Any advice for a modern woman who wants to respect her parental abode but is wont to want to get a little frisky over the holidays with her main squeeze? I don't have time for soundproofing. Help!

Yours in near silence

Maven.

Goodness! I hope I'm not too late in providing advice for your "frisky" situation! First, I assume you'll have shag (so to speak!) carpeting at your disposal? Suggest that your father fashion earplugs out of some spare shag for a better night's sleep! He'll appreciate your concern about his rest, you can do whatever you'd like, from spending time with your groovy chap, to whipping up a big batch of cheese fondue for the neighborhood, to driving your 1977 Caprice up and down the street, "blasting" one of my 8-tracks! An advantage of the shag carpeting earplugs is that they're like conch shells, but instead of hearing the sounds of the sea, you hear constant groovy music!

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! I don't know about you, but I had so much fun, it's time for another Alka Seltzer and lime rickey! In a few hours, I'm expected at Angelo's supermarket to give a little Boxing Day concert in the produce aisle! My idea!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

OMG I havent seen you in awhile,Im so glad you're still here giving helpful advice!lol

Well, hello, there Ms. Panamania! I trust you're doing well and staying groovy. Did you ever straighten out that situation with your male friend who'd made a habit of emptying his bowels in your bathroom whenever he came to visit? You don't want to use up all your Avon Hawaiian White ginger perfume remedying that "foul" situation!

Love,

Joyce

[rade2rising 205]

hello,

plz advise me about this delicate matter.

how do you go about commenting on a woman's dress style? I mean they are not dressing appropiately for certain occassions. how to explain it to someone like the wife without her not having a hissy fit??? thanks.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

hello,

plz advise me about this delicate matter.

how do you go about commenting on a woman's dress style? I mean they are not dressing appropiately for certain occassions. how to explain it to someone like the wife without her not having a hissy fit??? thanks.

Goodness! Fortunately, that's an easy one. A flattering polyester jumpsuit in an earth tone with a coordinated lime green belt is appropriate for all occasions! It's a perfect choice for the workplace (if your wife is a career gal), Tupperware parties, or a night out, or for a more somber occasion, such as a wake or Weight Watchers meeting. In any case, it's all in the approach. Just say, "Look what I bought for you! You'll look gorgeous in this neato leisure suit!" You can bet your last gin-soaked lime wedge that she'll forget all about whatever "inappropriate" dress she's wearing and snatch that jumpsuit right out of your hands!

Good luck!

Love,

Joyce

[ValerieA 350]

Goodness! Thank you, Mr. TBone! I hear the iron in a T-bone steak really helps with the fullness of one's helmet! Although I stick to supplements mostly, otherwise I wouldn't be able to fit into my form-fitting polyester dress! Oh, to be able to eat anything and still look stunning in a synthetic jumpsuit...would I have to make a pact with the devil (i.e., the cotton industry)? Tee hee! Just kidding!

Love,

Joyce

Please can we never talk again about T-Bone's "helmet"? <shudder>.

Thanks for the groovy advice all that time ago! I did what you suggested, and have only recently managed to take a short break from my overly amorous husband!