Dear Joyce

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

Dear Joyce,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm

not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Help?!

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm

not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Help?!

Goodness! It sounds like quite a situation there! I'm not a medical expert, so I can't offer advice regarding what may be a sort of mysterious conception, but I can offer this important information: Thank goodness we live in an age of sophisticated ultrasound technology! You can waltz right into your local imaging establishment and ask for the "Groovy scan." You'll be given precise measurements, which you can then take to your favorite mathematician. He or she will help you figure out projected clothing sizes for the new addition, and you can get started making infant-sized leisure suits even though the baby is the size of an avocado! Speaking of avocado, have you seen the excellent new line of avocado green blenders? I try to be frugal--after all, I have sixteen blenders, all in perfect working order--but sometimes I just get blinded by the beauty of today's kitchen colors!

Congratulations on the groovy baby*!

Love,

Joyce

* It's never too early to start a Helmet Fund Savings Plan® for the little one. Ask your financial expert about it! I don't think it's tax deferred, but it's fiscally very sound! And groovy!

[ValerieA 350]

Dear Joyce:

My husband will no longer allow gin in the house (something about my lack of judgement when imbibing same - I'm sure he means superior judgement). On top of that, last week he threw my fondue pot out AND bought me a new top - made of natural fibers! How can I explain to him the awesomeness of polyester?

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce:

My husband will no longer allow gin in the house (something about my lack of judgement when imbibing same - I'm sure he means superior judgement). On top of that, last week he threw my fondue pot out AND bought me a new top - made of natural fibers! How can I explain to him the awesomeness of polyester?

Goodness! Sound the alarm! Your husband has been brainwashed by a sinister force! Deprogramming must being immediately!

Take the following steps (revised):

(1) While he's on the couch watching TV, casually appear wearing your best pantsuit. Depending on the weather and your mood, you may want to try wearing two loop belts. We're not sure why, but this often has an enhanced effect. Don't speak to your husband, just sashay past and continue into the kitchen. He will not be able to resist the allure of you in this outfit and will immediately follow you.

(2) Make sure you have my 8-track playing in the background (it doesn't matter which one).

(3) Sit at the kitchen table looking forlorn, with a glass of soda water in front of you. When your husband asks why the long face, explain that you're really missing the magic that only the combination of fondue and G&Ts can provide. (Generally, you don't need to get into such specifics as what type of fondue and what you might dip into it. But if he presses you, I'd go for cheese fondue & crusty bread.) Also mention that this deprivation is interfering with your usually highly groovy mojo. *wink!*

(4) If your husband is worth his homemade Tupperware popsicles, he will immediately snap out of his deluded state and dash out to procure you a new fondue pot and a giant bottle of your favorite gin. He'll also either return the natural-fibers top to the store (nevermind that a store that carries such merchandise really should be reported to the authorities!) or promise that he won't complain if you use it as a dish towel. He'll also look out for a supremely groovy pantsuit for you.

When he returns with the goods, crank up my 8-track, turn on one of your disco balls (I assume you have at least two?), and pull him into a passionate embrace before treating him to the grooviest dance moves he's ever seen!

Follow these steps, and I guarantee that you'll never see such crazy behavior in the future!

Love,

Joyce

[NArocks 13]

Dear Joyce,

First of all REALLY miss the fondu pot I mean really, also what in the world could be happening for every time I see your posts your glass of G & T semms to be moving??

Thanks

[ValerieA 350]

Dear Joyce,

First of all REALLY miss the fondu pot I mean really, also what in the world could be happening for every time I see your posts your glass of G & T semms to be moving??

Thanks

I would guess the level of G&T in your bloodstream is about right!

[Nagishkaw 510]

Dear Joyce,

I found this and right away I thought of you. Please feel free to use it in place of the fondue pot.

Respectfully yours,

Nagi

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I found this and right away I thought of you. Please feel free to use it in place of the fondue pot.

Respectfully yours,

Nagi

Goodness! Nagi, please forgive me! I haven't checked this thread for a while, and for that, I know I should be very ashamed! But I have been doing great things lately, including designing a very cool (as the kids say) extra-large Jello mold in the shape of a tube top, and it can also be used as a kiddie pool in the summer! I've done a straw poll, and almost no one (well, actually, no one) recognizes its shape as a tube top. Which is great, because it adds a lot of mystery!

Anyway, about these lovely ladies, wow! First off, I like the rather straightforward request up there in quotes. But obviously I'm much more interested in the stylish hairdos! The gal (?) on the left gets an A+ for altitude. I bet with only a basic triple perm, she'll (?) be the talk of the town! The lovely lady (?) on the right looks a little uncertain. Maybe she (?) only just came from the salon and is kicking herself (?) for not opting for the triple perm? Well, let's just say that she (?) has a lot of potential! As for the middle gal (?), the shape of her (?) helmet is nearly perfect. A few (say, 150,000) curls and she'd (?) be out of this world! In any case, all three lovelies should be very proud, because they're obviously using a lot of Aqua Net, which shows great sophistication.

Regarding the outfits, I love the color! And the tease of the groovy prints beneath, lurking below each gal's (?) Adam's apple...it really shows how suggestion can be so much more alluring than just putting the "goods" on display! My only fear is that the jackets are not synthetic. (Not to be terribly insulting, but is it possible they're wool?) I suggest instructing this talented trio to head to Woolworth's and see if they can't get light blue jackets in polyester. In fact, maybe they can "use" Jesus instead of the other way around! I have a neighbor, Jesus, and he has great fashion sense and can also play the flute and paint the mailbox at the same time! It's like he has two brains! Anyhoo, I'm sure he'd be glad to help the ladies (?) pick out fashions for their next gig.

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Goodness! Hello, everyone! I just realized that it's been nearly four years since the world-shaking Dear Joyce thread began! Where has the time gone? I know, into the otherworldly dimension of G&T, Cool Whip, and the thousands of hours spent being groovy!

I see it's been quite a while since I posted, but rest assured I've been busy doing very important work. In fact, I just returned from an extended tour of Russia, Ukraine, and Moldova (it was great seeing you, Viku! *triple wink!!!!*). My agent/manager/macrame guru has discovered that I'm huge in Belarus, and the most far-out (as the kids say) nightclubs have "Get Your Hands Off My Polyester (I'm Not That Kind of Woman)" on a continuous loop! She said they do something to it, like add thumping bass (fishing, anyone?), and the ladies in particular go wild! So now I have to go to Minsk! I've seen pictures of some of these clubs, and the style is a little too modern for my taste. Stonewashed jeans? Goodness! I was picketing against those raggedy things years ago, and even handed out olive green jumpsuits in subzero temperatures in New York City in 1986! What a memory!

Anyhoo, you'd all be glad to know that Dave "Baby" Cortez is doing just great. He's been having some trouble with his asthma, but I've got him off the inhalers and back on the gin! And fondue can cure just about anything, even herpes. An old flame said grape jelly would do the trick, but I'm watching my waistline! Goodness!

I'll be here for a few days before I take off to wow my fans in Minsk, so if any of you need advice on how to make your holidays extra groovy, please feel free to ask! Are you finding it difficult to maintain your helmet this winter? Are you enraged that your favorite local store is no longer carrying fondue forks? Are your in-laws giving you a hard time about wearing boots with too few eyelets? Ask away! I'm at your service!

Love,

Joyce

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Dear Joyce,

What can be done with all those fruitcakes I receive every year, other than re-gifting them next year?

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

What can be done with all those fruitcakes I receive every year, other than re-gifting them next year?

Goodness! Crusty Old Perv! I'm a longtime fan!

I get this question quite a lot, and fortunately, I have an easy answer! Resole your platform shoes! Functional yet comfortable so you can shake your booty until the wee hours!

I bet you thought I was going to tell you to soak it in gin and then add a dollop of Cool Whip! Which isn't a bad idea, but it can be labor intensive, and I've found that sometimes the gin loses its potency. We sure don't want that around the holidays, I tell you what!

Love,

Joyce

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

Perhaps Joyce could suggest a pattern to crochet for a fruit cake cover to re-purpose it as a stylish doorstop?

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Perhaps Joyce could suggest a pattern to crochet for a fruit cake cover to re-purpose it as a stylish doorstop?

Goodness! That's a great idea! As I've always maintained, nothing says, "The consummate hostess welcomes you to sample wonderful Weight Watchers appetizers and gin" like a beautifully crafted doorstop!

How about this?

I think I'm hyperventilating! Dave "Baby" Cortez, get my paper bag!

Love,

Joyce

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Dear Joyce,

How can I stop being such a man-hating harridan? I thought I had atoned for my past sins by replacing the defective, European, metrosexual model I had with a cheeseburger-lovin' American, but still I can't overcome my ball-breaking ways. A groovy chick like you must know SOMETHING I can do.

Signed,

Maven.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Dear Joyce,

How can I stop being such a man-hating harridan? I thought I had atoned for my past sins by replacing the defective, European, metrosexual model I had with a cheeseburger-lovin' American, but still I can't overcome my ball-breaking ways. A groovy chick like you must know SOMETHING I can do.

Signed,

Maven.

Have you tried wearing leather? Some men enjoy that sort of thing...