Dear Joyce

[Mags 112]

Dear Joyce,

I've been searching for that ever elusive perfect pair of undercrackers for a while now, but have not yet managed to find that perfect pair! I like them stiff and able to hold their shape (and mine!). I prefer colours like salmon pink and sunset yellow and I adore patterns on them! An everlasting material like nylon would be preferable.

Do you have any ideas where I could purchase a garment like this?

Yours,

Prudence Thicklethwaite

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I have a serious problem, you see, i've just found out that my husband is a n00b. I'm deeply traumatised by this, to the point of having nightmares. I don't know what to do or how to correct him. It's almost driving me to want to just smack him. Please Help me. What should i do?

Depressed Wife.

Dear Depressed Wife:

There now, no need to be upset! The latest research (a la Joyce & Dave "Baby" Cortez") is to offer the n00b cheese fondue and chocolate fondue, watch The Bong Show, and head out to the Polynesian bar for a little tiki dance! (I suggest gin too!)

Love,

Joyce

p.s. I don't generally encourage smacking, but perhaps it could be incorporated into your--er--evening activities?

Evening Activites? hmm you mean elbowing hubs in the face, groin, ribs in ma sleep etc? Sad to say my err -other extra activities are since i've been sick!! A few peaceful nights sleep without having to listen to a freight train (hubby snoring) in ma ear is required before this can resume!!

Goodness! Get well soon! I suggest a hot toddy and the full series of Rhoda on VHS!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I've been searching for that ever elusive perfect pair of undercrackers for a while now, but have not yet managed to find that perfect pair! I like them stiff and able to hold their shape (and mine!). I prefer colours like salmon pink and sunset yellow and I adore patterns on them! An everlasting material like nylon would be preferable.

Do you have any ideas where I could purchase a garment like this?

Yours,

Prudence Thicklethwaite

Dear Prudence:

One word: Woolworth's! They always have the best polyester fabrics! (My neighbor across the street, Myrtle, told me that Woolworth's closed down, but she's a little kooky!!) Anyway, Woolworth's has racks upon racks of groovy undergarments in many colors. I bet they have one or two types that will bring out the groovy beauty queen in you! (If you had a little too much Cool Whip last night, ask the nice saleslady to direct you to the girdle section!)

Love,

Joyce

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce,

I was recently forced to witness a TV "interview" by none other than Dentist Orly Taitz... needless to say, I found her disgusting and a little on thick accent side of things. Not that there's anything wrong with having a little accent, since my "Ole" is famous in the NW B)

Problem is.... she was actually sporting a very endearing pale de rose velour blouse, with satin appliques (pajama style) and extreme amounts of makeup, including false eyelashes, so in vogue back in the day. I am really thrown into a crisis of faith here. How is it possible that such a deluded and idiotic woman can have such talents for fashion and makeup??? Please, I beg of you to calm my turmoiled heart.

Thanks, Mrs. Red.

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I was recently forced to witness a TV "interview" by none other than Dentist Orly Taitz... needless to say, I found her disgusting and a little on thick accent side of things. Not that there's anything wrong with having a little accent, since my "Ole" is famous in the NW B)

Problem is.... she was actually sporting a very endearing pale de rose velour blouse, with satin appliques (pajama style) and extreme amounts of makeup, including false eyelashes, so in vogue back in the day. I am really thrown into a crisis of faith here. How is it possible that such a deluded and idiotic woman can have such talents for fashion and makeup??? Please, I beg of you to calm my turmoiled heart.

Thanks, Mrs. Red.

Goodness! And a happy August to you, Mrs. Red!

There's an easy answer to your question: Dentist Orly has made a pact with the Mary Kay devil! She's traded away her genuine synthetic blouses for fake synthetic blouses (believe me, I can tell the difference!) and krazy eyeshadow! I don't know her personally, but I can imagine her at a Pampered Chef party (it pains me to even type the name of that sinister organization!), pushing people out of the way to be the first to grab an overpriced food chopper! Shame on you, Dentist Orly!

Now, if she wants to repent by incinerating all her Mary Kay cosmetics and requesting a copy of Avon's latest campaign, she just might be worth saving!

In other news, I picked up a copy of this month's Sunset magazine, and it seems they've stolen my raspberry rickey recipe! I was about to get on the horn and give their editor in chief a talking-to, but I was sidetracked by an advertisement for avocados! Mmmm!

Love,

Joyce

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce,

Is this your daughter?

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce..... your silence preoccupies me and hurts my soul...

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

Is this your daughter?

Goodness! No, but I wish she were! I've always wanted to wear glasses that large--relative to face size--but found that really large glasses + helmet = vertigo! (And no FeatherWates, thank you!!!!!)

The outfit is just a little bit risque, but I know that the younger generation want to show off their fitness!

(Now, if she can sing, that's just unfair!)

Love,

Joyce

Dear Joyce..... your silence preoccupies me and hurts my soul...

Please accept my apologies! I ended up taking a trip to the Boston area on short notice. It was very humid last week, and my helmet doubled in size! It was glorious, if a little warm. I admit that my layers of polyester didn't help matters, but sometimes I'm a slave to fashion!

Love,

Joyce

[Chica Yeyé 41]

Dear Joyce,

I desperately need your help. As you might now through the grapevine (we Tupper Ware and Avon girls are this tight *wink* ) I am embarking on an Alaskan Cruise. Granted, the days of the Love Boat are long gone (sad, since Julie was such an inspiration to the Feminist Movement and one of the unknown precursors of at-home teeth whitening with brunt tortilla); but nonetheless I would never forgive myself if I didn't bring some really groovy and disco dancing outfits with me!!! Goodness! So, please do tell... do you approve of these choices??

I would not be confident to fend by myself without your advise. Also, my mother is going.;.. and you know how moms always want their daughters to look fabulous

Thanks, Mrs. Cruisin Luvah.

[NArocks 13]

Dea Joyce,

Please do give our good sister Len the guidance she needs. I personally think all three would go well on the boat, however as you are the expert we await your comments

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I desperately need your help. As you might now through the grapevine (we Tupper Ware and Avon girls are this tight *wink* ) I am embarking on an Alaskan Cruise. Granted, the days of the Love Boat are long gone (sad, since Julie was such an inspiration to the Feminist Movement and one of the unknown precursors of at-home teeth whitening with brunt tortilla); but nonetheless I would never forgive myself if I didn't bring some really groovy and disco dancing outfits with me!!! Goodness! So, please do tell... do you approve of these choices??

I would not be confident to fend by myself without your advise. Also, my mother is going.;.. and you know how moms always want their daughters to look fabulous

Thanks, Mrs. Cruisin Luvah.

Dear Mrs. Cruisin Luvah:

Goodness! Lucky you! Well, I can already tell that you'll be the belle of the ball on your sea cruise! I must say, I approve of all three outfit styles! (More on the colors in a moment) And the supercool circular purse in the first picture--can I just say wow?!

Now, you know I always like to be positive, but sometimes you have to be totally honest if you want to be helpful. So, I have to admit that I'm not crazy about the hairdos of gals 1 and 3. (Kudos to Gal 2! I love the synthetically natural synthetic look! ) But it's not all gloom and doom; with all that hair, imagine the massive helmets they could achieve with a triple (and dare I say it, quadruple) perm! Go for it, ladies!

Now, to the colors: I know that every groovy gal has her own style, but if you ask me, Earth tones--particularly those that match exactly the cutting-edge Sears frost-free refrigerators--represent the holy lightning rod of groovy. Can you imagine those outfits in burnt orange, olive green, and maize? As the kids say, "Freak out!!!"

Regarding the Love Boat, that show was pure brilliance. That cute doctor sure made my heart race! (blood pressure medication please, Doctor!!!!! and a fan!!!!)

Love,

Joyce

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

Dear Joyce,

What is the correct answer, when your fiancee, wife, mistress, girlfriend, or boss, asks, "Does this make my butt look big?"

Edited September 5, 2009 by Mister_Bill

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

What is the correct answer, when your fiancee, wife, mistress, girlfriend, or boss, asks, "Does this make my butt look big?"

Goodness! Thanks for writing! I get this question a lot, especially where orange and yellow horizontal-striped polyester pants are concerned. I always say, "It's not the size of the booty but the level of the groovy!"

Love

Joyce

[Mags 112]

Dear Joyce,

I have quite a few cats in my household and often pet hair can be an annoying factor. Can you give me the names of any materials that stop pet hair adhering to it? The more man made the better!

Also, I try to look stylish but it's hard when you're elbow deep in cat poop all day long. Can you give me any stylish but wearable wardrobe hints? I would just love to look great for the UPS guy when he drops off my parcels! I have a bit of a crush on him, I will admit!

Thank you, Joyce!

Mrs Slocombe

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I have quite a few cats in my household and often pet hair can be an annoying factor. Can you give me the names of any materials that stop pet hair adhering to it? The more man made the better!

Also, I try to look stylish but it's hard when you're elbow deep in cat poop all day long. Can you give me any stylish but wearable wardrobe hints? I would just love to look great for the UPS guy when he drops off my parcels! I have a bit of a crush on him, I will admit!

Thank you, Joyce!

Mrs Slocombe

Dear Mrs Slocombe:

Goodness! Well, I'm not sure I can offer advice specific to cat hair control. I'm extremely allergic to kitty-cats, I'm afraid, so that's a problem I don't have experience with. However, I did once date a fascinating chap named Wortham (really!) who was something of an outdoorsman. He didn't believe in shaving, plus he was quite hairy (think back carpet). After his visits (*wink!), I had to employ the wet-dry vac so I could see my sequined orange sofa again! Thank goodness for that technology! But I gather that you're looking for some kind of spray-on product for your jumpsuit? How about Aqua Net hairspray? It's a classic, and nothing sticks to it! Wait...maybe everything sticks to it. Who can remember?

On second thought, why not gather all the cat hair and make a stylish jacket? I bet the UPS guy will love it! (Is he hairy? [is his name Wortham?])

Love,

Joyce