Dear Joyce

[one...two...tree 2,762]

sister joyce,

sadly for america..you missed your calling..i am certain if you had your own tv day time talk show..you be bigger than oprah..and have better hair

It's not too late for Joyce, brother. There's always YouTube. Seriously, Joyce, you should consider taking your persona on YouTube.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Dear Joyce,

I am looking for a new hair style for 2008 and am afraid to have a perm...any suggestions of the latest styles?? I am all a fret over this!!

thanks so much,

Melinda

[Krikit 1,164]

sister joyce,

sadly for america..you missed your calling..i am certain if you had your own tv day time talk show..you be bigger than oprah..and have better hair

Well.... your glasses are bigger than Oprah. And maybe your hair. But we love you just as much.

[*julez* 124]

Dear Joyce,

I am forever learning from you! On Saturday I'll be seeing my fiance for the first time in over 3 months. I think beef bouillon might be just the thing needed to ensure our time together is nice and spicy!

Thanks for all the hot tips! You are on Cool (whip) lady!

Still your # 1 fan!

Jules

P.S. Not sure if Dean can really produce the goods he claims to have for you!

[Peikko 1,575]

Dear Joyce

You are a life saver, truly! I smeared Cool Whip over the fake 'Cool Whip' stains and voila, gone! Not so much as a hint of stain on my lime green pant suit. I was so thrilled and relieved I can tell you.

Which leads me to my latest difficulty. Clearly the Allstrips are not who they seem, I mean, if they refill party size tubs of Cool Whip with something inferior, where does it end? Which makes our acceptance of their invitation to make up a four for golf at the club next weekend something of mixed blessing. Should we still attend? Or would it be best to make our excuses?

Your in a dilema

Mrs Holdem

[Empress of Groovy 373]

sister joyce,

sadly for america..you missed your calling..i am certain if you had your own tv day time talk show..you be bigger than oprah..and have better hair

Why, thank you, Dean. I'm blushing! Well, it's not too late! I'll speak with my agent. I've always thought I had the glamour and sparkle to have a career in TV!

And who is this Oprah? Is she a singer?

Love,

Joyce

sister joyce,

sadly for america..you missed your calling..i am certain if you had your own tv day time talk show..you be bigger than oprah..and have better hair

It's not too late for Joyce, brother. There's always YouTube. Seriously, Joyce, you should consider taking your persona on YouTube.

Goodness! (**giggle**)

Now, what tube is this? Tube top? I sometimes wear one when I'm feeling sexy in the summertime!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I am looking for a new hair style for 2008 and am afraid to have a perm...any suggestions of the latest styles?? I am all a fret over this!!

thanks so much,

Melinda

Dear Melinda:

Well, that's an easy answer! You must grab that fear of getting a perm and wrestle it to the ground! Until it screams for mercy! And you give it none! Do this until this fear is no more!

Then you go to your favorite salon and demand (politely, of course) a triple perm! And you walk out ready to take on the world!

Love,

Joyce

sister joyce,

sadly for america..you missed your calling..i am certain if you had your own tv day time talk show..you be bigger than oprah..and have better hair

Well.... your glasses are bigger than Oprah. And maybe your hair. But we love you just as much.

Why, thank you!

I've never done any opera singing, but I guess it's never too late to try something new!

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

I am forever learning from you! On Saturday I'll be seeing my fiance for the first time in over 3 months. I think beef bouillon might be just the thing needed to ensure our time together is nice and spicy!

Thanks for all the hot tips! You are on Cool (whip) lady!

Still your # 1 fan!

Jules

P.S. Not sure if Dean can really produce the goods he claims to have for you!

Goodness! It sounds like you've got quite an evening planned! If you really want to heat things up, I suggest Tabasco! But just a dash. You don't want things to get out of control. And can always cool down with Cool Whip.

Love,

Joyce

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce

You are a life saver, truly! I smeared Cool Whip over the fake 'Cool Whip' stains and voila, gone! Not so much as a hint of stain on my lime green pant suit. I was so thrilled and relieved I can tell you.

Which leads me to my latest difficulty. Clearly the Allstrips are not who they seem, I mean, if they refill party size tubs of Cool Whip with something inferior, where does it end? Which makes our acceptance of their invitation to make up a four for golf at the club next weekend something of mixed blessing. Should we still attend? Or would it be best to make our excuses?

Your in a dilema

Mrs Holdem

Dear Mrs. Holdem:

I'm glad to hear your good news! Cool Whip really is a wonder substance. I truly don't know what I would do without it!

Regarding the party-size tub of Cool Whip (sounds divine!), I definitely would steer clear of hosts who serve an inferior product. However, you may want to give the Allstrips the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps their grocer was out of Cool Whip. I try to be gracious, for I'm Joyce! But if they repeat their use of inferior Cool Whip substitute, I'd say it's time to find new golf partners. As I always say regarding inferior nondairy whipped topping, the first time, shame on them, the second time, shame on you!

Love,

Joyce

[panamania79 2]

Dear Joyce,

Is it really possible for a man to achieve multiple orgasms like Sting claims he can?

I thought Sting claimed he could go at it for hours,not have multiple orgasms.

[panamania79 2]

Dear VJ readers:

AOS Despair (aka Julie) has kindly allowed me to use her VJ account to offer my advice column, Dear Joyce, here in OT.

For those of you who may not be familiar with me, I am the lovely lady, if I may toot my own horn, who appears in AOS Despair's signature. I released a self-titled album in the early 1980s, which included such chartbusters as "I Get All Excited," and "Get Your Hands Off My Polyester (I'm Not That Kind of Woman)."

I am a liberated woman who has much to offer today's discerning readers. Ladies, have you grown confused by the plethora of synthetic fabrics available today? Are you perplexed by all the conflicting advice out there about what to look for in a pantsuit? Have you ever been told that you can't beat a man at tennis, and other such put-downs? I can address these issues and more. I can give you tips on keeping your helmet hairstyle immobile amid the fiercest hurricane conditions, and never again will you wonder which earrings are optimal for complementing your giant, perfectly round tinted glasses.

And guys, I haven't forgotten about you. Are you finding it difficult to carry on a conversation with a career woman? Are you frustrated that women today don't know how to make a soufflé or prepare a fondue? Are you wondering why you can't seem to rope yourself a "Joyce"? Well, I've got advice for you too. Do you find it curious that these average Joes manage to "hook up" with Joyces while you're at home on a Friday night entertaining yourself, so to speak?

Please, don't be shy. Dear Joyce is at your service. I look forward to hearing from you.

Love,

Joyce

Hon,I'm so sorry I mistook you for Tootsie.

COOL WHIP RULES !

[Jamie76 0]

Dear Joyce,

Have you ever taken a tub of Cool Whip and frozen it and eaten like ice cream? It is over the top in sinful goodness, but with fewer calories than ice cream. Enjoy.

[rhymeswithcandi 0]

Dear Joyce,

I'm a new fan!!

I have a tricky question - With the weather being so very cold these days, I need something to keep my head warm (in Canada we wear toques). What do you suggest as a fashionable way to keep warm?

[Empress of Groovy 373]

Dear Joyce,

Is it really possible for a man to achieve multiple orgasms like Sting claims he can?

I thought Sting claimed he could go at it for hours,not have multiple orgasms.

Well, that Sting is just talking a bunch of nonsense, I say! But it's good that physical fitness is important to him.

Love,

Joyce

Hon,I'm so sorry I mistook you for Tootsie.

COOL WHIP RULES !

Tootsie! Goodness!

Well, I'll take the compliment. Her helmet looked pretty lifelike, if you ask me!

Love,

Joyce

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Dear Joyce,

Thanks so much for the perm idea - I will definately try it - however I have a dilemna...I am planning ahead - way ahead, to when I meet my SO at the airport - do you have any suggestions for a nice fresh look to go w/that triple perm?? I just love your fashion sense....

thanks in advance,

Melinda