Being real about marriage!!!

[Marlita 0]

I've been thinking about Boaz's post and examples from her life. I appreciate what they showed and hesitate with the idea that you can go to far when you are looking at phone logs and setting up spy equipment on your computer. It seems like it should be common sense that if a woman calls your home for your husband and hangs up at the sound of your voice, that there's a problem that needs to be addressed. But how do you check yourself from going to far? If you're married to a good man, who's being open and honest with you, how do you stop yourself from turning a crazy chick's actions into blame and focus on everything your husband does as somehow being dishonest. "He shouldn't talk to friends at home often because he's homesick." "He shouldn't be online too often." Does that mean the same for you? Do you not speak to friends and family? Do you not use the online function on the computer without a timer set up because of what it "could" convey? I have an example.

My husband has a cousin that lives in Missouri. He is married to an American woman who happens to be older and was in an abusive marriage previously. I've spoken to her several times. When Bassi announced our engagement, I became "family". His cousin would call me to see if I needed anything. I thought that was sweet. They're culture is definitely more family oriented in action than ours is. The conversations were generally 10-15 minutes long, if that much. He was basically checking in on me and I think Bassi probably asked him to. During that time, he told her and several times when he called me, he would give her the phone to talk with me as well. And talk about them both coming to visit me in NY and stuff like that. I'd ask her questions about the immigration process, and marrying into the family as a woman and as an american. She always spoke freely to me. I didn't know there was a problem. Until I called one day because Bassi asked me to get his cousin to call him for something, or email him something. Can't remember. I spoke with her and asked her to tell Yussif to call me when he has a chance. She freaked out. Why are you calling my husband? Who the hell do you think you are? Don't call this house again! Called me all kinds of names and accused me of not pleasant things. I was thoroughly confused. I have spoken with her many times, she knows that I'm engaged to his cousin....why the sudden craziness? I obviously don't call the house anymore. Yussif called me and told me to call his cell phone, that she has been upset since he started school about the fact that they have less time together. So he's trying to work things through with her, but wants to be there for family. I told him no. I said, take care of your immediate family and don't worry about me. I've been fine and I will be fine. Yussif had a wife in Ghana that cheated on him and ran away to Togo and left him and their baby girl. He has experienced the pain of a broken relationship. He wants this marriage to work and has left his daughter in Ghana because of it. He's focusing on making the marriage healthy. But this woman is broken and still looking and inventing problems. I don't want to be like that. My ex husband thought he could break me. I remember him telling me that I need to get used to how it is and stop wanting a better life cause I'll always be alone. I cried and cried and then God whispered in that still small voice and told me to look for HIM and he would give me everything I needed and more. I walked away from that relationship broken, but I've healed. It took a long time for me to heal but I'm there. I've moved on. But despite having to call the police on him, having to call large male cousins to get him out of my house, having to change all my personal information cause he started using my identity, having to go into a year of therapy....despite all the drama. I am healed. And I am capable of trusting now. I don't think all men are like him. I don't think all men from Corona, Queens are like him, I don't go into a relationship looking, searching and finally inventing problems. I understand exercising common sense in a relationship and not losing yourself. But I really, truly think that you can go too far in "protecting" yourself. And that doesn't have anything to do with naivete, innocence or the "before glow".

I agree with what your saying. I think there are "common sense" things that happen in a relationship that put your radar up. That common sense I do not call my third eye....its common sense...nothing more nothing less. So yes, if a woman friend was calling my husband and hanging up on me well...we all know what that means...I don't need to get suspicious its common sense to know that something is up with her.

I guess I am a before person too....but I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a before person....I have the rest of my life to be the after person. So why not enjoy the before time while I have it. I still have realistic expectations of my marriage and know that its not some cinderella fairy tale, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna start focusing on the 'future' problems that I may have to encounter later. So all I do is try to stay grounded. I think my husband will have a harder time dealing with the "realistic" life of marriage because he already is less exposed to many things in life than I have been. BUt we communicate about this and also seek God in helping us along the way.

[Ta Ta 1]

ON a serious note, I see a lot of postings about God changing a person's heart. I say person because it applies to men and women. I may be wrong but I get the feeling that some really feel the He literally changes a heart. I disagree greatly with that in the literal sense. God is consistant in ALL that He does and that includes His gift of free choice to us. God will put a person in every conceivable situation in an attempt to help us realize the error of our ways and come back to Him, but He still gives us the choice to change or remain in the sin. Look at Job, we all know the story. All through it Job had a choice to curse God or praise Him. Its the same with us. So when I was going through my drama, I prayed for God to show him his heart. Help him to see what he was doing so he could change. I prayed and had people pray fervently for us, and even though we didn't work, I couldn't blame God because He didn't "change" him. God was working but, my EX either was not ready to change his heart, or he didn't believe that he had a problem. Don't be afraid to pray for God to discipline our loved ones, because we need it sometimes. (Some all the time. Idocare with that downtown thing!!!!!!!!!! KIDDING) And I am not directly quoting but He says he disciplines those He loves like we discipline our own children to correct them. SO if you or him is cuttin' up, get on your knees tonight and ask God to give you a spankin' 'cause you ain't right!!!! PEACE OUT!!!!!

I am wondering if you think that is what I said. No that is not what I said. I agree with your post. God gave us free will and a person must be willing

to have a change of heart.

Having said that I do know that God will bring a person to that point, to the valley of decision but he will not force a heart. What that person does with

that is entirely up to him/her.

I've been thinking about Boaz's post and examples from her life. I appreciate what they showed and hesitate with the idea that you can go to far when you are looking at phone logs and setting up spy equipment on your computer. It seems like it should be common sense that if a woman calls your home for your husband and hangs up at the sound of your voice, that there's a problem that needs to be addressed. But how do you check yourself from going to far? If you're married to a good man, who's being open and honest with you, how do you stop yourself from turning a crazy chick's actions into blame and focus on everything your husband does as somehow being dishonest. "He shouldn't talk to friends at home often because he's homesick." "He shouldn't be online too often." Does that mean the same for you? Do you not speak to friends and family? Do you not use the online function on the computer without a timer set up because of what it "could" convey? I have an example.

My husband has a cousin that lives in Missouri. He is married to an American woman who happens to be older and was in an abusive marriage previously. I've spoken to her several times. When Bassi announced our engagement, I became "family". His cousin would call me to see if I needed anything. I thought that was sweet. They're culture is definitely more family oriented in action than ours is. The conversations were generally 10-15 minutes long, if that much. He was basically checking in on me and I think Bassi probably asked him to. During that time, he told her and several times when he called me, he would give her the phone to talk with me as well. And talk about them both coming to visit me in NY and stuff like that. I'd ask her questions about the immigration process, and marrying into the family as a woman and as an american. She always spoke freely to me. I didn't know there was a problem. Until I called one day because Bassi asked me to get his cousin to call him for something, or email him something. Can't remember. I spoke with her and asked her to tell Yussif to call me when he has a chance. She freaked out. Why are you calling my husband? Who the hell do you think you are? Don't call this house again! Called me all kinds of names and accused me of not pleasant things. I was thoroughly confused. I have spoken with her many times, she knows that I'm engaged to his cousin....why the sudden craziness? I obviously don't call the house anymore. Yussif called me and told me to call his cell phone, that she has been upset since he started school about the fact that they have less time together. So he's trying to work things through with her, but wants to be there for family. I told him no. I said, take care of your immediate family and don't worry about me. I've been fine and I will be fine. Yussif had a wife in Ghana that cheated on him and ran away to Togo and left him and their baby girl. He has experienced the pain of a broken relationship. He wants this marriage to work and has left his daughter in Ghana because of it. He's focusing on making the marriage healthy. But this woman is broken and still looking and inventing problems. I don't want to be like that. My ex husband thought he could break me. I remember him telling me that I need to get used to how it is and stop wanting a better life cause I'll always be alone. I cried and cried and then God whispered in that still small voice and told me to look for HIM and he would give me everything I needed and more. I walked away from that relationship broken, but I've healed. It took a long time for me to heal but I'm there. I've moved on. But despite having to call the police on him, having to call large male cousins to get him out of my house, having to change all my personal information cause he started using my identity, having to go into a year of therapy....despite all the drama. I am healed. And I am capable of trusting now. I don't think all men are like him. I don't think all men from Corona, Queens are like him, I don't go into a relationship looking, searching and finally inventing problems. I understand exercising common sense in a relationship and not losing yourself. But I really, truly think that you can go too far in "protecting" yourself. And that doesn't have anything to do with naivete, innocence or the "before glow".

Great example of the other side of the coin and common sense does indeed go far.

[Ta Ta 1]

I've been thinking about Boaz's post and examples from her life. I appreciate what they showed and hesitate with the idea that you can go to far when you are looking at phone logs and setting up spy equipment on your computer. It seems like it should be common sense that if a woman calls your home for your husband and hangs up at the sound of your voice, that there's a problem that needs to be addressed. But how do you check yourself from going to far? If you're married to a good man, who's being open and honest with you, how do you stop yourself from turning a crazy chick's actions into blame and focus on everything your husband does as somehow being dishonest. "He shouldn't talk to friends at home often because he's homesick." "He shouldn't be online too often." Does that mean the same for you? Do you not speak to friends and family? Do you not use the online function on the computer without a timer set up because of what it "could" convey? I have an example.

My husband has a cousin that lives in Missouri. He is married to an American woman who happens to be older and was in an abusive marriage previously. I've spoken to her several times. When Bassi announced our engagement, I became "family". His cousin would call me to see if I needed anything. I thought that was sweet. They're culture is definitely more family oriented in action than ours is. The conversations were generally 10-15 minutes long, if that much. He was basically checking in on me and I think Bassi probably asked him to. During that time, he told her and several times when he called me, he would give her the phone to talk with me as well. And talk about them both coming to visit me in NY and stuff like that. I'd ask her questions about the immigration process, and marrying into the family as a woman and as an american. She always spoke freely to me. I didn't know there was a problem. Until I called one day because Bassi asked me to get his cousin to call him for something, or email him something. Can't remember. I spoke with her and asked her to tell Yussif to call me when he has a chance. She freaked out. Why are you calling my husband? Who the hell do you think you are? Don't call this house again! Called me all kinds of names and accused me of not pleasant things. I was thoroughly confused. I have spoken with her many times, she knows that I'm engaged to his cousin....why the sudden craziness? I obviously don't call the house anymore. Yussif called me and told me to call his cell phone, that she has been upset since he started school about the fact that they have less time together. So he's trying to work things through with her, but wants to be there for family. I told him no. I said, take care of your immediate family and don't worry about me. I've been fine and I will be fine. Yussif had a wife in Ghana that cheated on him and ran away to Togo and left him and their baby girl. He has experienced the pain of a broken relationship. He wants this marriage to work and has left his daughter in Ghana because of it. He's focusing on making the marriage healthy. But this woman is broken and still looking and inventing problems. I don't want to be like that. My ex husband thought he could break me. I remember him telling me that I need to get used to how it is and stop wanting a better life cause I'll always be alone. I cried and cried and then God whispered in that still small voice and told me to look for HIM and he would give me everything I needed and more. I walked away from that relationship broken, but I've healed. It took a long time for me to heal but I'm there. I've moved on. But despite having to call the police on him, having to call large male cousins to get him out of my house, having to change all my personal information cause he started using my identity, having to go into a year of therapy....despite all the drama. I am healed. And I am capable of trusting now. I don't think all men are like him. I don't think all men from Corona, Queens are like him, I don't go into a relationship looking, searching and finally inventing problems. I understand exercising common sense in a relationship and not losing yourself. But I really, truly think that you can go too far in "protecting" yourself. And that doesn't have anything to do with naivete, innocence or the "before glow".

I agree with what your saying. I think there are "common sense" things that happen in a relationship that put your radar up. That common sense I do not call my third eye....its common sense...nothing more nothing less. So yes, if a woman friend was calling my husband and hanging up on me well...we all know what that means...I don't need to get suspicious its common sense to know that something is up with her.

I guess I am a before person too....but I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a before person....I have the rest of my life to be the after person. So why not enjoy the before time while I have it. I still have realistic expectations of my marriage and know that its not some cinderella fairy tale, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna start focusing on the 'future' problems that I may have to encounter later. So all I do is try to stay grounded. I think my husband will have a harder time dealing with the "realistic" life of marriage because he already is less exposed to many things in life than I have been. BUt we communicate about this and also seek God in helping us along the way.

Beautifully stated Marlita !

Edited December 23, 2007 by Omoba

[BESANGIN 0]

No Omoba,

That didn't come from your post.

[BESANGIN 0]

I knew that the Jeff City Trick who my EX was ticklin' was shady the first time she called my house. All the family and friends that called the house for him would always say, "Hello to you, May I please speak to Rotimi? Is this our wife?" if I didn't answer they would insist on saying hi to me, and again they would always acknowledge me as OUR WIFE. So when her disrepsectful A$$ called demanding to speak to him I knew that wasn't right, so I checked him right then and there. Instead of him or her apologizing, they went undercover. Since he didn't have money to buy a cell phone and I sure wasn't buyin' him one, he started buying calling cards. I found out after I kicked him out of my bedroom. I guess he went to check his balance and left his call history up on the computer. He was calling her A$$ 3-4 times a day EVERYDAY!!!!!! I just told him I hope it was worth it, 'cause where you told me you were tired of sleeping with one eye opened, yo' A$$ is gonna live on NO DOZE to watch a woman who would cheat with a married man. Don't you know she is looking for the highest bidder, and when she finds out you ain't no surgeon and the pictures of the big house you showing is MINE, she's gone!!!!!! She may not be a street walker, but being a ####### (HO!)is a matter of geography! True enough when she found out the truth about him, NO MONEY, she dumped him.

[blah0323 0]

The post have been informative and helpful, but most of all relieving to know that others are going through or have been through similiar or other difficult situations..

Thanks all for your responses.

[ose_n_me 0]

Lemme ask a question here....

Does everyone's fiance/spouses know about this (VJ) website, and are they reading all these posts?

Cuz my husband goes on here everyday and is chomping at the bit to defend himself not only as a Nigerian, but as a man! Although he admits Naija has a bad rep for scammers, both green card seekers, and otherwise (identity theft,credit card,email fraud etc.) he still strongly argues that it is character and not culture that makes these men behave badly. He estimates that only about 3 African men out of 10,000 is NOT involved in some kind of fraud or scam at sometime in their life! He says those without integrity, morals, profound thought, and a strong faith in God are the ones who lie, cheat and deceive. And these kind of people exist everywhere in the world. These are things taught (or not taught) and/or instilled from family as children, and then as we go thru life as adults these values are tested. Many of us fail, but many of us persevere and become well-adjusted, loving human beings.

We both believe that ones culture, whether lavish or poverty-stricken, CAN affect the development of ones character, but in the end it is only the weak and ignorant who CHOOSE to turn away from God and live a life of sin.

Just like we have people here in the US who are ruthless, materialistic, selfish, greedy and dishonest...so does Nigeria and every other country. It's just that here it is in our face everyday, and even considered acceptable in many ways. We have gangs, drug-dealers, criminals, and low-lifes here who are in many ways doing the same thing that the scammers are doing...trying to feed and clothe their families, or "come up" or make easy money, in a poverty-stricken society. Not saying its right, or just, in any culture to do this...but its happening everywhere in the world.

I think that the reason these "romance" scammers affect us women so much is because we have developed into strong, confident and self-supporting women over the years. We have careers, homes and our own money. But we are still emotional beings. We still love hard and wear our hearts on our sleeve. So to be taken for a ride both financially and emotionally is a tough cross to bear. We want to blame it on everything and everyone but ourselves most of the time. I bet that 9 out of 10 times there were "red flags" popping up left and right with our men (foreign or american) but either we chose not to see them, we were in denial that they were happening, or we explained them away. And really that is what women do. We naturally love unconditionally, as nurturers.

What we have to do is learn from each mistake we make, and use the experience to never make that mistake again. Each time we get stronger and stronger, and soon...with time, maturity, and life expereince we figure out who we are, what we want, and that we deserve to be happy. And with God as our guide we can survive anything that comes our way with faith and prayer.

None of us should feel ashamed or feel as if we failed if our marriage turns out to not be what we had thought or hoped. The experience was the path that God had choosen for us at that moment in time. All paths lead to enlightenment. Everything we experience and every choice we make is for a purpose in God's eye. Its his plan for us. As long as u are living a life of integrity, kindness and love, God will see u thru.

I wish all of us a happy, healthy, and wonderful journey with our husbands. I hope we can always come here to VJ for encouragement and support no matter how each of our journeys end.

GOD BLESS EVERYONE AND HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

[BESANGIN 0]

Beautifully stated! In my situation, I really don't believe that the road that I went down was God's destiny for me. I believe with all my heart that God gives Filet Mignon and Prime Rib as gifts not Hamburger and SPAM!!!!. I decided that my Ex was from God and I stepped in and started making everything happen to hurry and get him home, and as much as I would like to say it wasn't so, I was lonely, insecure, and so hungry for love. I think God has a destiny for us but sometimes we out of our own selfishness deviate from the plan, and when we humble up, He puts us back on track. Sometimes we get fooled by things that we believe are from God, well Satan gives damn good gifts too, but of course there a MAJOR conditions that come with it. #! He wasnt us to turn away from God, and boy did I fall hook, line and sinker!

Edited December 23, 2007 by BESANGIN

[ogele 0]

I have been an avid follower of this forum for quite a while,although I have refrained until now from making comments.Like many other members,I am currently in the process of a much delayed K1 visa process to bring my finacee here to raise a family with me.I am both a United States citizen by naturalization and a Nigerian by birth,hence I am in a position to give the candid view I intend to provide shortly.And NO,my U.S. citizenship was not acquired through marriage.

In recent days,much focus has been given to the issue of internet meetings,engagements,and subsequent marriage to men half the world from here,by U.S. citizen ladies.It appears that Nigerian men have born the greatest brunt of the bashings arising from the "relationships gone sour" postings.Very sad,indeed.I hold no brief for those few individual Nigerian men who prey on the emotional vulnerability of women,but I defend today the wholeness of our culture,our sense of fairness and decency,our very humanity.It is important that the history,culture,morality,principles,and indeed the worldviews of an entire country and continent not be redefined by pseudo-cultural and relationship "experts".Trust me,if you have not been truly immersed and socialized in the cultures of Africa,all you are doing is guesswork.

A recurring decimal in the postings have been the question of culture,and character.I have read those who claim that character,not culture,decides how a Nigerian or African will enter and navigate that very complex yet beautiful and highly rewarding waters of marriage.Those who believe that culture/tradition will not play an overwhelming part in their union with their Nigerian spouses are living an illusion.Please,wake up my sisters.The Nigerian man's sense of being is firmly centered on his tradition.It is what defines and gives meaning to his very existence.Remove this from him,and you create an immense conflict within him.Most times,African men who arrive here via marriage to American spouses are compelled to let go of many values they hold dear.Some questions:how many of you ladies out there know how to make 4 different African dishes,and enjoy same with your husband?How many of you have written gleefully on this forum about the fact that their Nigerian spouses would leave their family,sorry, "their hangers on" behind in Nigeria?Trust me,that can only happen in the short run.While he speaks your language,have you considered how disconnected he must feel that you do not speak his?How many of you who profess love are willing to return to Nigeria to live permanently with their spouses(not saying you should but,would you?)?Better still,how many of you even made friends here in the U.S. from among the race,ethnicity,or nationality of your foreign spouse?Just to get a flavor of his culture.

The truth is that you cannot cut corners in relationships.This is even more poignant in intercultural unions.From this perspective,I salute the courage of all ladies who embark on this journey by faith.I pray that your genuine faith will richly reward you.But to constantly hear some members beat up on Nigerian men as the beginning and end of their failed relationships is truly nauseating.The Nigerian man is not your problem.Sometimes we need to face up to our own errors in judgment.There are countless Nigerian girls back home who get their hearts broken by the Nigerian men they have been dating,wihtin and outside Nigeria.And these are girls who are experts in the cultural traits of the Nigerian man.Yet,these girls do not mount rooftops with the mantra that Nigerian men are scammers.They recognize the reality of broken promises and failed relationships.Many of these girls may have invested years,money,and emotion into their relationship just like you.It is tragic,but relationships do fail.They cry if they must,shrug it off,and then move on to meet that gentleman that has been ordained for them by God.The same goes for the Nigerian man.I know,because I have hurt once.

I think that those who do not have the stomach for risks should not venture into internet relationships.For those who do,please please immerse yourself in his culture.You may ask,why?Simple.If he is from Nigeria,chances are that he is already abreast with much of your own ways of life.As I write,there are foreign women who are married to Nigerians living in Nigeria.My former high school principal from many moons ago is a Russian lady and still lives in Nigeria.Countless others have been living in Nigeria and many more will continue to arrive,wade through the initial cultural barriers,and settle to a fulfilling married life.If they could do it there,you sure can,over here.Be strong,have sincere faith.To the rest of the group who beat up on Nigerian men I say:how on earth did you not find the perfect man here in the United States?

[Enlighten one :) 5]

I think this goes hand and hand with me saying that if you do not trust your man then you do not trust yourself. Whether your man is doing something wrong or not. If you are doubting your situation, you are doubting yourself. This lady is still bruised from her previous experiences. She never healed herself to engage in another healthy relationship. So she does not trust her judgment on her relationship. If you walk in faith and by the means of the grace of god, you are confident you are where you need to be at that time in moment.

I am sorry that you lost that connection with both the wife and cousin. I am sure that speaking with them made you feel that much more connected to your SO

Another Note

I think a man can be naive and not understand that his classmate is hitting on him. But I do not think a man can be naive enough not to know that it is disrespectful for him to carry on a conversations with another women on a daily basis. If he thought that behavior was OK, I believe you are in for more problems. If he met a male friend at school, he would not be on the phone with him every day chatting. My son's father had done the same show with me when a girl was caught calling me on the phone. But they were still caught together one month later. After finally speaking with the girl, she told me that he said that just to stop me from nagging at him.

I do believe that most of cheating situations comes down to the core values of a man. if he is mature, values god and family, he will know the magnitude of infidelity on the family. His moral values would never let the mother of his children and children go through such suffering. I think there can an error or weakness in such a man, but he would have to repent his sins or continue what he is doing. No one can continue on infidelity route without something to dull the pain of his wrongs such as alcohol. I also believe that men cheat because they have low self esteem. They are looking for the next woman that will validate his worth.

I've been thinking about Boaz's post and examples from her life. I appreciate what they showed and hesitate with the idea that you can go to far when you are looking at phone logs and setting up spy equipment on your computer. It seems like it should be common sense that if a woman calls your home for your husband and hangs up at the sound of your voice, that there's a problem that needs to be addressed. But how do you check yourself from going to far? If you're married to a good man, who's being open and honest with you, how do you stop yourself from turning a crazy chick's actions into blame and focus on everything your husband does as somehow being dishonest. "He shouldn't talk to friends at home often because he's homesick." "He shouldn't be online too often." Does that mean the same for you? Do you not speak to friends and family? Do you not use the online function on the computer without a timer set up because of what it "could" convey? I have an example.

My husband has a cousin that lives in Missouri. He is married to an American woman who happens to be older and was in an abusive marriage previously. I've spoken to her several times. When Bassi announced our engagement, I became "family". His cousin would call me to see if I needed anything. I thought that was sweet. They're culture is definitely more family oriented in action than ours is. The conversations were generally 10-15 minutes long, if that much. He was basically checking in on me and I think Bassi probably asked him to. During that time, he told her and several times when he called me, he would give her the phone to talk with me as well. And talk about them both coming to visit me in NY and stuff like that. I'd ask her questions about the immigration process, and marrying into the family as a woman and as an american. She always spoke freely to me. I didn't know there was a problem. Until I called one day because Bassi asked me to get his cousin to call him for something, or email him something. Can't remember. I spoke with her and asked her to tell Yussif to call me when he has a chance. She freaked out. Why are you calling my husband? Who the hell do you think you are? Don't call this house again! Called me all kinds of names and accused me of not pleasant things. I was thoroughly confused. I have spoken with her many times, she knows that I'm engaged to his cousin....why the sudden craziness? I obviously don't call the house anymore. Yussif called me and told me to call his cell phone, that she has been upset since he started school about the fact that they have less time together. So he's trying to work things through with her, but wants to be there for family. I told him no. I said, take care of your immediate family and don't worry about me. I've been fine and I will be fine. Yussif had a wife in Ghana that cheated on him and ran away to Togo and left him and their baby girl. He has experienced the pain of a broken relationship. He wants this marriage to work and has left his daughter in Ghana because of it. He's focusing on making the marriage healthy. But this woman is broken and still looking and inventing problems. I don't want to be like that. My ex husband thought he could break me. I remember him telling me that I need to get used to how it is and stop wanting a better life cause I'll always be alone. I cried and cried and then God whispered in that still small voice and told me to look for HIM and he would give me everything I needed and more. I walked away from that relationship broken, but I've healed. It took a long time for me to heal but I'm there. I've moved on. But despite having to call the police on him, having to call large male cousins to get him out of my house, having to change all my personal information cause he started using my identity, having to go into a year of therapy....despite all the drama. I am healed. And I am capable of trusting now. I don't think all men are like him. I don't think all men from Corona, Queens are like him, I don't go into a relationship looking, searching and finally inventing problems. I understand exercising common sense in a relationship and not losing yourself. But I really, truly think that you can go too far in "protecting" yourself. And that doesn't have anything to do with naivete, innocence or the "before glow".

[BESANGIN 0]

Did I miss something? I have yet to read anything about Nigerian men being bashed in this thread. I have read people posting their experiences which is their reality. I have seen posts that deal with relationships foreign and domestic, men and women. The one thing that is a major and undeniable commonality is that the SO's are of African decent. Now if your post was aimed at me about bashing and blaming, please go back and reread, my dear. I have clearly and without hesitation owned my responsibility for my failed marriage, but I am not going to lessen what he did either. As for your question as to what would we do for our foreign mates. At one point I was willing to do anything to save my marriage, but I could not do it alone. If he didn't want it I couldn't and was not going to hold a gun to his head. Comparing a relationship between a foreign and domestic relationship with a couple in like situations is not a fair or wise comaprison to make. Because there ARE added circumstances that are added to that relationship melding 2 different personalities, cultures, and worldviews. Now I do agree that we cheat ourselves when we do not adequately prepare as much as possible to learn what we are getting into, ie the culture and traditions, the financial strain on relationships, where they will reside, how the family will be lead spirirually. Those things need to be disscussed, understood and settled long before you make the commitment to be husband and wife, therefore you know ahead of time if it is a price you can or are willing to pay. I know I did not do all of the above and that is why I could not bash or blame my EX for everything, but talk about the foolish things he did, oh yeah I am going to talk about it if it will help someone else here recognize it and deal with it in their own relationship. Is that not why this thread was started in the first place to put out the good and the bad of relationships and tools to help others salvage what I personally could not in mine? I have always said, take what you can use from what I post, and if does not apply to you... then KEEP IT MOVING!! Congratulations on your citizenship and your successful marriage. I applaud anyone who makes it work, because it is not easy and many fail.

[BESANGIN 0]

P.S. I sure as hell didn't find the perfect man where I did find him, so maybe I should have kept it home. Be relieved to know that I will not make the same mistakes twice, and prayerfully I will have a succesful relationship like you.

[blah0323 0]

Did I miss something? I have yet to read anything about Nigerian men being bashed in this thread. I have read people posting their experiences which is their reality. I have seen posts that deal with relationships foreign and domestic, men and women. The one thing that is a major and undeniable commonality is that the SO's are of African decent. Now if your post was aimed at me about bashing and blaming, please go back and reread, my dear. I have clearly and without hesitation owned my responsibility for my failed marriage, but I am not going to lessen what he did either. As for your question as to what would we do for our foreign mates. At one point I was willing to do anything to save my marriage, but I could not do it alone. If he didn't want it I couldn't and was not going to hold a gun to his head. Comparing a relationship between a foreign and domestic relationship with a couple in like situations is not a fair or wise comaprison to make. Because there ARE added circumstances that are added to that relationship melding 2 different personalities, cultures, and worldviews. Now I do agree that we cheat ourselves when we do not adequately prepare as much as possible to learn what we are getting into, ie the culture and traditions, the financial strain on relationships, where they will reside, how the family will be lead spirirually. Those things need to be disscussed, understood and settled long before you make the commitment to be husband and wife, therefore you know ahead of time if it is a price you can or are willing to pay. I know I did not do all of the above and that is why I could not bash or blame my EX for everything, but talk about the foolish things he did, oh yeah I am going to talk about it if it will help someone else here recognize it and deal with it in their own relationship. Is that not why this thread was started in the first place to put out the good and the bad of relationships and tools to help others salvage what I personally could not in mine? I have always said, take what you can use from what I post, and if does not apply to you... then KEEP IT MOVING!! Congratulations on your citizenship and your successful marriage. I applaud anyone who makes it work, because it is not easy and many fail.

I agree, this is not a Nigerian bashing thread, this is real experiences/situations that some of us have gone through or is going through. The thing is that many have said things that could help others as they venture down the road with any male/female, regardless of cultural background, race, etc.

This thread is just like any other, you read all what is said and it is your choice to determine what you will use or hold on to. But I must admit there is some good stuff coming out of this, not so much as the bad things, but ways to handle thing that may come up.

Lemme ask a question here....

Does everyone's fiance/spouses know about this (VJ) website, and are they reading all these posts?

I sent my hubby the link, while I speak of being transparent, I want to do the same. Not to say he was happy that I did it.

[Divine Mercy 0]

Just to further point out the naivety of some African men in terms of how .. can I say .. whorish .. American women can be...

A friend of my husband worked for the oil industry in Nigeria and was often sent to Texas to do business with their parent corporation there. He came many times each year and developed a rapport with several of the co-workers there including a middle aged single woman who guised herself as a welcoming American with no intentions other than to offer hospitality to a foreigner. After spending some time working aside her, she invited him to come to her house for a home cooked meal. This sounded appealing to the man who was a bit tired of the Holiday Inn room service menu. When he got to her house, he quickly realized that the only thing she intended to serve on her table that night was herself . This happily married newlywed man ran for his life .

My husband was horrified at this woman's behavior. When I wasn't shocked he was even more surprised. We had a long talk about how he has to be very careful regarding the kind of message he sends to women in America because they interpret things very differently than African women do . He is used to telling women how pretty they are... even 80 year old ladies. He does this while I stand next to him and he'll say, "Kathryn don't you think grama is beautiful?" That's going to get him in some serious trouble when he's here.

[taurean 0]

I have been returning periodically to read this thread, and the subsequent posts have been truly enlightening.

Marlita: your last post pretty much describes my feelings. I like being the "before" person. If/when I am the "after," I'll deal with that and get through it. But like you, I prefer to concentrate on remaining a "before." I'd never say with a straight face that my man will never do X, or I will never have to deal with Y in our relationship. However, I do think that we have to the tools in our relationship to try and get through those issues. And if we can't.....well, I will still live happily ever "after."

Ogele: I really appreciate your post as well! It helped to provide me with a different perspective. Thanks...

As for the cultural issues that come up with us, I was pretty educated on many of my husband's cultural/social customs even before we started our relationship as a couple. So it would have been difficult for him to try and pull the "it is/is not in my culture" card and not have me call him on it. However, knowing about the culture and living with it are different animals. There were some things that I just didn't appreciate until we lived together. In some aspects I knew what I was getting into as far as expectations and all before we entered into a relationship because I heard and saw what marriage was like for other women from his country. In other aspects I was learning on the fly.

Even with some knowledge on my husband's culture I still find myself calling on Senegalese women friends to learn about the real deal, which has been the saving grace for our marriage and my piece of mind. So my biggest piece of advice to anyone that finds themselves in an International relationship is to find a confidant or two of the same sex, who is married to a man/woman of your husband's/wife's background, so that you can get informed, and have a person to vent to or ask questions or bounce ideas off. Believe me, if you can do this it's a true help.

I will say again, that I truly appreciate all who have put their personal experiences out on the table for the rest of us. It is never easy to reveal intimate details (at least for me it's not) to strangers. But I applaud those who can because it can help all of us in some way.