Being real about marriage!!!

[BESANGIN 0]

Hey Everybody!

How's everyone doing tonight? Hope you all had fantastic days today. I hate my job so I survived another day. Why do I stay you ask? Because I am getting a free ride to college so I behave like a good house slave should until I'm credentialed and can tell them to kiss my AZTEC MOUNTAIN!!!!! Now in world news today........ but with all seriousness, I promised you some juice so its time to start squeezing lemons! Nw get your egg nog and cookies, and make sure you fed the chi'ren. If you got some BeBe's, kiss 'em and tape 'em.....I mean put 'em to bed! Kids are great!!! And I'm just kidding!!!!

Blah0323, if I'm understanding you correctly you suggested that it is the draw of the American lifestyle that causes people to change into people we do not recognize. You also say that there is a lot of generalization that goes on on this forum. I'm having a hard time with those. Now from what I have gathered from reading posts we have some fairly honest and respectful people here and we have all heard the saying that "You can take the girl out the ghetto, but you cain't take the ghetto out the girl" that works the opposite way. A person may stumble and have a blip along the way, but they will always go back to what they know. And when I make these generalizations let me add now that there is always an exception to the rule else George Douche I mean Bush wouldn't be President. How many of you were raised to respect your elders and not cuss in front of them? I was. I still remember with a heavy heart the first time I disgraced my mom and cussed like a sailor in front of her. I will never forget the look of horror, disappointment and shame that I saw when she looked at me , and it took the longest time for me to look her in the eye. I never did it again. I'm a grown woman with my own life and family, but my mother's opinion and view of me Is still something I value as much as my own opinion of myself. That value system that was instilled into me as a child remains in me. No don't get me wrong, when the hurt was ruling my heart I wanted to go Waiting to Exhale on his A$$, but I didn't. It wasn't going to make the situation any less hurtful, and plus I didn't want to have to smoke a cigarette like Angela Bassette did after she burned his SHI-OT! So he took what he could sneak out. He left when I was at work. What he left, now I did sell that, but at least I didn't burn it! Plus I had serious debt left on my shoulders. NOw I remained a lady throught our separation and divorceall through our so called dating, I never told him to shut up, I never cussed him, and I never called him out of his name. Well we did tease each other sometimes. we called each other OLODO in jest... well sometimes I meant it sense I'm being honest!!!! And he called me American monkey and I called him African banana eating monkey, because he liked bananas!!!!! But one day he tried to pull a fast one to keep his name off the debt in the divorce decree. Why the HELL he pick a day when my A$$ was CRAMPIN and the devil had his pitchfork turning my insides to mush!!!!!!!!! I snapped and my head spent around like the EXORCIST and and with the soul of of SHE-RA from the deepest confines of the GHETTO I tore him about 10 new A$$HOLES!!!!!! You'd a thought the boy had major hemorrhoids!!!!!

So to say that America changes you, yes to a certain extent, but it is your choice to give in to the draw, it is your choice to sell your soul to the devil to get a piece of it, it is your choice to trade your morality for immorality. They have a choice to remain in God as they were in their home country. If anything you would think that they would be even more humbled at what God blessed them with. Now did any of us go over their and let the foreign countries change us? I know I didn't go over there and cheat, I didn't withhold my money from him, I didn't stop going to church because it wasn't my church, I did not insist that he buy me things everysingle day, I didn't go off by myself for hours and not tell him where I was. I was still respectful to the culture and the people even though I didn't know what they HELL they were saying all the time. I tried to make myself a part of the family because I wanted them to know that I didn't just come there to steal him away and tell them to fend for yourselves now, but they were my family too. Did any of you? If you didn't, someone please tell me why we use that excuse for them?

When I hear someone saying that he is a man of God that puts me in mind of the great men of the bible. Not that they don't sin, but they recognize it and change it. To say that to me negates the Word of God. They are not little boys or girls for those who have wives. With God all things are possible and if a person saw the errors of their ways and knew that that behavior was not pleasing to God you change it. I say this because many of you have said that your SO's are men of God, and if they are not giving lip service then why is it hard to humble up and do the good you know you are to do, again we may lose our way from time to time but we go back to what we know.

With the generalizations: that seems to be an offensive word on this site. I don't understand, we may not do things exactly the same way, but leave me there is a basic pattern that we follow as women that is different from men, and you just can't argue that. You have no idea how many woman have emailed me privately to share something with me or to ask me about red flags or what did I learn from my experience. Sorry if this bursts your bubble but the foundations of the problems were the same, just different outcomes. But sadly a lot of the outcomes have been and are proving to be hopelessly broken. There were some that told me that they new before the man got here that they were cheating and doing underhanded things, and I begged them not to put themselves in my position and they did it anyway, and now they struggling in every way imaginable. And I cry for them because I wasn't able to help, I wasn't able to stop it, but all my heart knew was the pain that I went through and now someone else was feeling that too.

I would often call people who committed suicide stupid. Yes I did, until the shoe was on the other foot. For several brief moments I knew exactly how they felt when they felt that that was there only resolution to stop their pain. I was hyperventilating and everyroom in my house that I ran into to stop the pain would only increase it! The rooms were robbing me of oxygen. I literally could not breathe. I kept screaming why is he not reacting to this like me, why is he not hurting? Why does he not seem remorseful or guilty? In my moment of desperation I didn't realize that he was feeling it deeply, but he was numbing it with a 5th of vodka. As tears were running down my face the vodka was running down his throat. Only a sociopath could inflict such injury on someone and not feel anything, and alcohol was his way of dealing with his guilt. My EX had his faults, but he was was not a sociopath. Where I thought God was punishing me for doing this without Him, He was actually saving my life. It was Him who was yelling in my ear to just breathe! Now breathe for another minute! Now please for Me breathe for another 5 minutes! He planted pictures of my family in my mind. I remember a glimpse of seeing myself in my graduation cap and gown, and I started to tell myself to keep breathing. Then I started to remember that I was a good woman and I had to be strong for me, for him, and our families. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to save that marriage, but I could save my heart and I have very high hopes to be in love again and to have a family. I loved my EX husband more than I loved myself. Like Blah0323, there was nothing I would not do for him, and when the SHITAKE MUSHROOMS hit the fan it was as though life stopped, everything I had prayed for, believed in, fought the damn embassy for, went broke for was gone like it never existed, and I was not the confident and reconciled woman I am writing this now, I could not be. I was devastated. I don't want to hear that two sides to every story BULLISH!!!!!! What did you do to him? I tried to be the wife God called me to be. When I came home from working 2 jobs and going to school, I would sit down at the computer to try to get a little homework done before I rolled over to let him scratch the MEOW, even though I was tired, to find where he had forgot to log off and see where he had been looking at young THIN, weave and wig wearing ugly A$$ HOOCHIES!!!!! But they told me you married him so you work it out! But you mean I cain't cut off his winkie!!!!!!!! OK, ok!!!! I'll remember that he rubbed my back when I was cramping and God said I should forgive him. I forgave and forgave and with every time I forgave, I used it as an excuse to accept his behavior because I hadn't had enough yet, and I still loved him so, and I still hoped that theu man that I fell in love with would find his way out of the muck and mire of America and come back to his senses to his wife who loved him.

We both know that we were not right for each other and we never should have rushed into marriage. I think I have learned more about the OLODO now that we are divorced than when we were courting.A lot of you have raised the question how can we get to know them llike that? We can't afford to fly over there every month to go visit. But what is the solution to that? for ME its keep it moving!!!!!! Since I have been single again, and Lord I HATE it!!!!!!! I practice what I preach!!!!! I refuse to trade one HELL for another!!! So this getting to know kick does not just apply to foreign significant others. I met a cute guy online, and we started hollerin' at each other ( If you ain't up on slang that means talking!!) I was kinda impressed because he was a single dad and I could hear how he was with his girls, He was so gentle with them, but he was firm when they got a little rowdy. Of course here My A$$ goes with the warm fuzzies again thinking , Oh if he's that good with this girls , He'll be real good with a wife, but I had to say like TD Jakes, back that thing up!!!!! WHy are you divorced in the first place? He started on with the She was this and she was that and she did this and she did that....... What the hell did you do? NUTHIN" So I'm like alright.. let's explore this a little further... So we keep talkin'. Now if anybody knows me they know MY A$$$ HATE YARD WORK, SHOVELING SNOW, and TAKIN" out trash!. Well my neighbor is a detective and he has people do him favors all the time and he and I look out for each other because we moved into our homes at the same time. I was telling my new INTEREST that my neighbor was going to have his friend shovel my driveway, and his A$$ started telling me not to let him because he'll be trying to get with me. I told him that our realtionship is a neighborly relationship and that wouldn't happen. ok first mistake done't ness up my chance to get my driveway shoveled for free, and if you ain't walking, flyin' or sledding yo' A$$ from Ohio to shovel it then shut the HELL UP!!!!! In a nutshell he was very controlling and we hadn't even gone on a date!!!!! I'm like you ain't got it like that playa for some talk on the phone. Hell he didn't even send me a damn snicker bar for Valentine's Day!!! So NO!!!!But I listen to that inner voice now. I don't let myself get comfortable with one good thing about a man and let my guard down anymore. And neither should any of you.

ZEEnuSAH Sorry if I butchered it. You seem to be very wise, and you are so right. why would you be with someone when you have to constantly look over your shoulder. If that is the case, believe me HE AIN'T the one!!!! That's why we date and get to know each other, call them on things that you notice don't add up, and I would not let it go until you are thoroughly satisfied and secure with the explanation. A man with nothing to hide won't have a problem telling you the truth. Now if his A$$ starts having a damn seizure when you question him about a little white lie ( I hate that term! A lie is lie to me!) Tell is ### you gonna call 911 for him for old times sake and you hope he makes a full recovery!!!! And say what ladies?....... KEEP IT MOVIN'. Often we fake ourselves out thinking that we can live with somethings and we let it slide because we start thinking what if this is the one? I don't want to lose him? What if this is it for me? And yes ladies our insecurities even make us ask that dreaded question. But take heart QUEENS!!!! God is not going to let anyone else have what He has set aside for you. So the time may not be right when you want it but God will send you signs. He sure sent me signs, and I ignored everyone that meant I would have to take my big girl pill and break it off!!! Yes that was me. I took the word of perfect strangers over my family who loved and knew me all my life to believe people who knew nothing about me and only knew my EX on the surface. My mistake. Another area that I made a mistake in was not talking to anyone about what was going on. Fearful that my family would #1 tell me the truth and #2 hate my EX even more. SO I kept quiet which kept me from getting the imput I needed to be proactive instead of reactive.

Bassi and Zainab- My sister I swear I see a lot of me in you!!!!!. Girl, believe me I admire your fire and your passion for protecting your man and your relationship!!!!!!!!!!!! NOBODY COULD OR BETTER TELL me NOTHIN" about my man!!!! I will go KILL BILL ON YOU!!!!!!!!! You say too that you want this thread to keep going cause you need it, but your words ring with more of you could see this thread dead and buried. because understandably, NO ONE wants to have to think about struggles when you tryin to get through the immigration nightmare. Hell I know I didn't. As a matter a fact there was a gentleman on another board who told me and about 6 other of us going through the process that 5 out of the seven relationships were fraudulent on the part of our spouses. I tore him 10 Fresh A$$HOLES TOO!!!!! But DAMN if he wasn't right! And again I don't know how those women feel about their situations but I know it was not all of my EX's doing he wasn't smart enough to fool me like that. I was too impatient to think smart myself. Now I want you to know and I am speaking for myself only, I say what I say not to discourage you and not to make you feel defeated and suspicious, but to give you tools that may help strengthen your relationship when he gets here. Now I am not gonna sugar coat for anyone that it is going to be all peaches and cream he he gets home because it ain't unless you are married to someone who has noe emotions or a mind to think, and from what you post it sounds like you have a very intelligent and supportive man, but it will then be your time to support. AND OH MY GOODNESS girlfriend you better start developing the patience of JOB because its gonna be ugly for a minute. You are going to feel like you are mothering and child and there are going to be times that he is going to ride your nerves like a Harley, but you pray for him and yourself and you love. Always Remember what you would want from him if the situation were reversed. This change is a lot for a proud man to absorb and he may not be able or willing to express that to you. SO for a moment we have to stop[ being strong black women and be a strong black woman. Do you understand what I mean by that? You got to bite your tongue a lot, and you got to pack up your pride and suit of armour sometimes. Let him find his way.

When the Divorcee's give the bad don't take that as an attack, and bank it, so that if for example I post that ladies watch your man when he gets here and he is on the computer more than he is spending time with you and he uses the excuse, I am lonely in dis country, I am chatting with my friends from home." Watch that. That is a concern, especially when the friends he claims to be chatting too calls and he tells you to tell them he's out because they are only begging for money, well damn, ain't they begging you for money when you're chatting? When he comes he needs to be carving a place for himself here, building relationships here, building bonds with your family if you have close family ties. if he is not doing that that should be a concern, not a sign that he is cheating or anything, but why give them the chance? Its so easy. An idle mind is the devils' playground. IF you find that he wants to hang out with single men instead of married family men, that is a concern. If he gets here and starts asking about the American clubs and often, that is a concern. Now if he sentences and conversations are always me, I or mine, at first that is ok, but all the time, that is a concern. And I am not saying that that is what is going to happen, but if you see things like that nip it i in the bud right then and there. We know a man is only going to do what we allow him to do. Now if you want to email me about fun time and romantic thisng my Ex and I did together and were nice. I can share those too. But I thinik we all got the good times on lock we don't need help with that. Its when our naps get to curling all up and we can't think straight is when we need someone to be truthful with us and not sugar coat it. God doesn't sugar coat stuff with us and if we are going to be our borther's keeper why should we not speak the truth in love. If I speak the truth and hurt your feelings I 'll give you a hug and say I'm sorry it hurts, but I say this because I love you and want you be ok.

Bottom line It does not take a lifetime to tell if someone is comaptible and shares the same views as you about God, life and love. It is just hard to walk away when in our hearts we know it wont work. So take care of yourselves, and your relationships. Ask questions from anyone you trust. Get to know people from his tribe who have been here who you know will speak the truth. He will not be afraid to call ihim out if he wanders down that crooked road. Don't make your marriage a closed book in the sense that you don't reach out for help when you get into a situation that the two of you cannot resolve. If he is not open to input from successful couples, that is a concern, If YOU are not open to input from successful couples THAT is a concern.

We'I know ya'll probably sayin' Damn, is this the book?!!!!! or Damn she talk too much, and yeah on part two you're right, but I want to be a surrogate auntie to a lot of babies that are being reared in successful loving homes. FELL ME?!!!!! And that is our extended newscast for tonight!!!!! PEACE OUT!!!!

[Ta Ta 1]

Besangin, I had a big laugh.you said get your eggnog and cookies and I had just poured me some eggnog ( Silky's soy brand ) and was settling

in to read your post. The eggnog was delicious by the way and I added vanilla ice cream and nutmeg.

I agree with most of what you said and had to laugh a few more times about your humorous writing style.

Yes, if there appears to be a reason to be concerned then investigate to satisfy your gut feeling.

Meanwhile my gut is really "feelin' the eggnog".

[BESANGIN 0]

Now Omoba,

Why you tryin' to tempt me with the eggnog and vanilla ice cream when I'm tryin' to slim down so I can be SEXUAL CHOCOLATES for my graduation???!!!! Shame on you girl, It just ain't right!!!!!!!

[Ta Ta 1]

Now Omoba,

Why you tryin' to tempt me with the eggnog and vanilla ice cream when I'm tryin' to slim down so I can be SEXUAL CHOCOLATES for my graduation???!!!! Shame on you girl, It just ain't right!!!!!!!

Girl it is cholesterol free and has no saturated fat. !/2 cup=90 calories. Well I guzzle more than that at one sitting !

So enjoy a little for Christmas. SILK SOYMILK EGGNOG. Use fat free ice milk instead ice cream and sprinkle with nutmeg and pour the eggnog

all over ....I use a glass.

[Osakeme 0]

I thought this was funny... it was e-mail to me by a guy I went to undergrad with.....

What do you think?????

Question: What type of man do you want to marry

6 year old: I want to marry a Prince like in little mermaid and we will live happily ever after

13 year old: I want to marry Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan

18 year old: I want to marry a guy that is tall, dark and handsome. My pref stats are 6ft 3”, big upper body, toned abs, strong legs and with looks that will give Tyson Beckford a run for his money

21 year old: I want to marry a young and rich professional preferably a doctor, lawyer or an Investment banker. He shouldn’t speak with an accent, that’s a no no, he should be classy, “he should respect and appreciate me as a strong black woman” more blah blah…..

24 year old: Same as 21 but with more feminine BS

Ladies and Gentlemen, we now have the decline

27 year old: I want a responsible man with a decent job or at least a bright future preferably with no kids.

30 year old: I want a God fearing man and I’m open to all races. God created all of us in his own image anyways

32 year old: I just want a man. Any man!!!

36 year old: I just need a kid. Can someone please impregnate me?

40 year old: This is a wicked world. I’m going to adopt

50 year old: I just want to live long. What was your question again?

[Merk 0]

WOW. I didn't think I would find a person on this site to get real and stop with all the Cinderella stories! You tell it like it is. ( Sorry that you had to go thru the drama to see the light) And I think it can be applied to just about everyone on this site. Even if they thry try to deny it. Cause when everyone's SO get's here sooner or later the honeymoon will be over and the "real" world will slap us all in the face. And we can all be prepared for it or run and hide with a sheet over our heads!!! I choose to be prepared. I have all ready started to "check" myself. Stopping thoughts of just buying him up clothes and everything else I thought he would need before he got here! (He is not a foster child that I am trying to make feel they are loved, safe and feel happy in the "new parents" house.) He is a grown man and should be treated as such. Hell I would not do it for any other man right?? Just because that is what my parents do to show me love is not what I should do to show love to him!! Just had a moment of clarity and thought I would share that. lol ....

... Anyway just wanted you to know that your posts got me to thinking I need to stop making excuses and treating him like a special quasi-god from another country and treat him like he is... A MAN!!!! And of course one I love. So I am taking off the blinders and opening my eyes!!!! And start being emotionally supportive and not as financaly supportive. I will keep the love flowing not the money!!!LOL

[BESANGIN 0]

WOW. I didn't think I would find a person on this site to get real and stop with all the Cinderella stories! You tell it like it is. ( Sorry that you had to go thru the drama to see the light) And I think it can be applied to just about everyone on this site. Even if they thry try to deny it. Cause when everyone's SO get's here sooner or later the honeymoon will be over and the "real" world will slap us all in the face. And we can all be prepared for it or run and hide with a sheet over our heads!!! I choose to be prepared. I have all ready started to "check" myself. Stopping thoughts of just buying him up clothes and everything else I thought he would need before he got here! (He is not a foster child that I am trying to make feel they are loved, safe and feel happy in the "new parents" house.) He is a grown man and should be treated as such. Hell I would not do it for any other man right?? Just because that is what my parents do to show me love is not what I should do to show love to him!! Just had a moment of clarity and thought I would share that. lol ....

... Anyway just wanted you to know that your posts got me to thinking I need to stop making excuses and treating him like a special quasi-god from another country and treat him like he is... A MAN!!!! And of course one I love. So I am taking off the blinders and opening my eyes!!!! And start being emotionally supportive and not as financaly supportive. I will keep the love flowing not the money!!!LOL

I am glad you can take from it what you can use. 'Cause if I can help one then I've done my job, If I've helped a few then I need to keep sharing, if I helped a lot, then I need to start charging ya'll!!!!!!! But seriously, I don't want to come across as the resident expert on marriage and foreign relationships, because by far I am not. I am however a woman who has experienced the process from beginning to end, and I've lived to tell it with a clarity and an honesty that God helped me to realize as I went through the healing process. I took myself out of the victim role, and looked at my own faults, mistakes and contributions to the failure of my marriage. Its not always easy to admit when you make mistakes especially when you look back and realize, Damn, you know yo' momma taught you better than that!" I'm telling you I can still look back at times and say to myself, What an idiot!!!!!! I don't get sad or stressed about it anymore because I took away lessons from it. I now laugh, because looking back too, a lot of it was kinda funny!!! Now even though I know that I had a hand in the failure of my marriage, I want to make it clear that my actions did not include lying, cheating, stealing, deceiving, using and the like. I didn't subscribe to he is doing that to me then let me let him see how it felt. I went through that with my honor and dignity entact. It was hard for me to remain a lady and not kick his A$$ when I found out he was cheating and I called the PUSS MOLE that he was cheating with! But I did because at first to me the marriage was not over until the ink was dry on the divorce decree. I held out hope that long. But anyway, I will always keep it real, and try to give a different point of view than the Cinderella stories because those are few and far between at first. I am also in contact with couples who are doing well, but too they say it is like working as a welder in the middle of Iraq!!!!! Just kill my A$$ now, cause I cain't do this!!!!!! I married Satan's son!!!! But they work it out. In my case, I couldn't work things out on my own. I needed someone who valued the marriage too and felt that it was worth fighting for. So there's another tip for you ladies, if you in it alone you can forget it!!!!!!!!No amount of fasting, and tearing of cloths, praying, DRUGS and ALCOHOL, no amount of good MEOW is gonna help. You either decide to live with it, or you decide you have life left to live to go find hapiness.Have a FANTASTIC day ALL. And that's all I have to say about that! Forrest Gump

Edited December 21, 2007 by BESANGIN

[ForeverAmen 0]

For a while I decided to keep my thoughts and comments to myself regarding this post. It appeared as though whenever I made the statement "keep your third eye open", etc. comments with regards to 'why are you with your husband', or 'I would never do that' and even 'maybe you have some insecurities within yourself' filled the message board. Initially I was going to make replies regarding individuals being 'naive' on life matters. But I did not want to put it in print, because the intent is not to try and hurt anyone's feelings, nor did I want to come across as defensive. I just simply summed up as - maybe I'm not explaining myself very well. However, when I started to read Besangin's comments it helped me to formulate some feedback of my own.

So far so good, I can honestly say that I have been blessed with a good husband. Next month will be two years since his arrival. They were not the easiest years, nor were they close to being aweful. Something that has worked for me has been to always be aware of what's going on (Keeping my third eye open). It does not mean that my husband had (or does have) the intentions of trying to hurt me in anyway, but it did make him aware that I was not going to be 'played for a fool'. In the meantime, it helped me to eventually understand the heart of my husband.

In the midst of my husband waiting for his EAD, he eventually enrolled in a CNA Certification course at our community college. The course lasted one month, and he attended classes M-F. Two weeks into the class my husband started talking on the phone with a young lady he had met in the class. It did not bother me that he had a friend (besides, at the time I was the only person he knew here). However, I started having issues with the fact that whenever she called, and I would answer my husband's cell phone she would hang up, and when she did ask to speak to him she never acknowledged my presence. I told my husband that I considered this to be very rude behavior. His reply was pretty much, she does not mean anything by it.

In the midst of all of this I pulled up our cell phone records and saw that she was calling him almost everyday during a two week period (remember .... they just met). Knowing how nice and very naive my husband can me (seriously, this man truely has a heart of gold), and also knowing the mentality of some of the women in the town in which we live, I knew I had to step up my game. One afternoon she called again not knowing that I had my husband's cell phone with me (waiting for her call). She hung up, then I called her back. (NOTE: I know you are not to approach the 'other' women, but instead you need to approach 'your man'). I politely introduced myself, and said that I noticed that she and my husband had been communicating a lot. So I asked her if there was something going on, she said no. I asked was she in need of anything (my husband had already told me that she had a toddler), she said 'no'. So I then said to her 'well if there is nothing going on between you and my husband, and you are not in need of anything from us, I take it that this would be the last time you call me husband!'. She said 'OK". About an hour later the hefa had the nerve to call back, and say to me 'I was thinking about what you said, and I want you to know that he is my friend, and I can call him whenever I feel like it.' Because I was at work, I politely/professionaly said to her "OK", then I hung up.

WHEN I GOT HOME ........ I shared with my husband the conversations that had taken place, as well as my findings with regards to the cell phone calls. My husband was very strong in his behavior with regards to trying to convince me that she was just a class mate, and that he hardly knows her. I sat my husband down, and explained to him that that type of 'friendship' is not appropriate for a 'married' man. Besides, if she is 'his' friend, then why is she not 'my friend.'? During this 'hour of power' I shared with my husband the last conversation in which his classmate said to me that she could call him whenever she felt like it. Initially my husband was in disbelief that his classmate would say such. That was when I flipped and told him to 'get out'. I was absolute, positively, NOT going to deal with this type of drama in my life. I have been single, and independent for a long time, and AIN't nobody going to take away my peace of mind. So .... leave! Immediately my husband grabbed the phone from me, called his classmate, put her on the speaker phone, and point blank told her to "NEVER disrespect my wife again. As a matter of fact, don't ever talk to me again, NEVER".

You see - in my situation I believe that had I not 'kept my third eye open', my naive, kind, good looking, sensitive husband would have started to open the door to trouble. I do believe that my husband's intentions were good, but like I said - I know the mentality of some of the women in this town. In her case, she found someone who was attractive, nice and lives in a good neighborhood. Hmmm .... perhaps a new 'uncle' for her baby .....sorry - that was not nice. But anyway - believe it or not, my husband and I experienced one other situation similar to this several months later. However, he quickly learned a very valuable lesson - if she is not my wife's friend, she's not my friend either. In addition, we also learned that the 'approach' to things speaks volumes. For example, only communicating when I'm not around, easily sends the wrong message to both the other person as well as to me.

I am NOT saying to track each and everything your husband does. But as mentioned by someone else - when things don't add up - question it! Stop believing 'oh my sweet husband would never do such a thing'. Sometimes it ain't your husband you need to worry about. Except that in my case - my husband was too naive, and trusting to realize that he was about to walk into a wall; sorry - but temptation is a real thing! Had I not 'kept my 3rd eye open' things would have continued to manifest, and I probably would not be here today to tell my story. It's like rearing a child, you don't let them go around misbehaving without correcting their behavior. Otherwise, they think that it's OK. I know my husband is from a different culture background. I know of some of the practices that are a part of his history. But because we did not have the typical courtship of going out every weekend, and spending time with each other for months and months, I needed to learn his thoughts on matters, just as easily as he had to learn mine.

Sorry, but I just believe in nipping things in the butt immediately. Don't give it time to grow or festure. Now when we are out and about, and he runs into anyone he knows (male or female) that I don't know .... he quickly finds me, and introduces me as his 'right hand'.

Love your man, nuture and support him in all the things that are good for the two of you. But when two and two does not add up to four ... ask questions. Make it known that things do not appear to be 'right'. If nothing is going on, he should have no problem with making things clear. And as Besangin stated - when he starts to have a seizure when you ask him a question - dial 9-1-1.

All that I've said is only with the best of intentions - peace, love and prosperity - while keeping your 3rd eye open!

Boaz

[ose_n_me 0]

For a while I decided to keep my thoughts and comments to myself regarding this post. It appeared as though whenever I made the statement "keep your third eye open", etc. comments with regards to 'why are you with your husband', or 'I would never do that' and even 'maybe you have some insecurities within yourself' filled the message board. Initially I was going to make replies regarding individuals being 'naive' on life matters. But I did not want to put it in print, because the intent is not to try and hurt anyone's feelings, nor did I want to come across as defensive. I just simply summed up as - maybe I'm not explaining myself very well. However, when I started to read Besangin's comments it helped me to formulate some feedback of my own.

So far so good, I can honestly say that I have been blessed with a good husband. Next month will be two years since his arrival. They were not the easiest years, nor were they close to being aweful. Something that has worked for me has been to always be aware of what's going on (Keeping my third eye open). It does not mean that my husband had (or does have) the intentions of trying to hurt me in anyway, but it did make him aware that I was not going to be 'played for a fool'. In the meantime, it helped me to eventually understand the heart of my husband.

In the midst of my husband waiting for his EAD, he eventually enrolled in a CNA Certification course at our community college. The course lasted one month, and he attended classes M-F. Two weeks into the class my husband started talking on the phone with a young lady he had met in the class. It did not bother me that he had a friend (besides, at the time I was the only person he knew here). However, I started having issues with the fact that whenever she called, and I would answer my husband's cell phone she would hang up, and when she did ask to speak to him she never acknowledged my presence. I told my husband that I considered this to be very rude behavior. His reply was pretty much, she does not mean anything by it.

In the midst of all of this I pulled up our cell phone records and saw that she was calling him almost everyday during a two week period (remember .... they just met). Knowing how nice and very naive my husband can me (seriously, this man truely has a heart of gold), and also knowing the mentality of some of the women in the town in which we live, I knew I had to step up my game. One afternoon she called again not knowing that I had my husband's cell phone with me (waiting for her call). She hung up, then I called her back. (NOTE: I know you are not to approach the 'other' women, but instead you need to approach 'your man'). I politely introduced myself, and said that I noticed that she and my husband had been communicating a lot. So I asked her if there was something going on, she said no. I asked was she in need of anything (my husband had already told me that she had a toddler), she said 'no'. So I then said to her 'well if there is nothing going on between you and my husband, and you are not in need of anything from us, I take it that this would be the last time you call me husband!'. She said 'OK". About an hour later the hefa had the nerve to call back, and say to me 'I was thinking about what you said, and I want you to know that he is my friend, and I can call him whenever I feel like it.' Because I was at work, I politely/professionaly said to her "OK", then I hung up.

WHEN I GOT HOME ........ I shared with my husband the conversations that had taken place, as well as my findings with regards to the cell phone calls. My husband was very strong in his behavior with regards to trying to convince me that she was just a class mate, and that he hardly knows her. I sat my husband down, and explained to him that that type of 'friendship' is not appropriate for a 'married' man. Besides, if she is 'his' friend, then why is she not 'my friend.'? During this 'hour of power' I shared with my husband the last conversation in which his classmate said to me that she could call him whenever she felt like it. Initially my husband was in disbelief that his classmate would say such. That was when I flipped and told him to 'get out'. I was absolute, positively, NOT going to deal with this type of drama in my life. I have been single, and independent for a long time, and AIN't nobody going to take away my peace of mind. So .... leave! Immediately my husband grabbed the phone from me, called his classmate, put her on the speaker phone, and point blank told her to "NEVER disrespect my wife again. As a matter of fact, don't ever talk to me again, NEVER".

You see - in my situation I believe that had I not 'kept my third eye open', my naive, kind, good looking, sensitive husband would have started to open the door to trouble. I do believe that my husband's intentions were good, but like I said - I know the mentality of some of the women in this town. In her case, she found someone who was attractive, nice and lives in a good neighborhood. Hmmm .... perhaps a new 'uncle' for her baby .....sorry - that was not nice. But anyway - believe it or not, my husband and I experienced one other situation similar to this several months later. However, he quickly learned a very valuable lesson - if she is not my wife's friend, she's not my friend either. In addition, we also learned that the 'approach' to things speaks volumes. For example, only communicating when I'm not around, easily sends the wrong message to both the other person as well as to me.

I am NOT saying to track each and everything your husband does. But as mentioned by someone else - when things don't add up - question it! Stop believing 'oh my sweet husband would never do such a thing'. Sometimes it ain't your husband you need to worry about. Except that in my case - my husband was too naive, and trusting to realize that he was about to walk into a wall; sorry - but temptation is a real thing! Had I not 'kept my 3rd eye open' things would have continued to manifest, and I probably would not be here today to tell my story. It's like rearing a child, you don't let them go around misbehaving without correcting their behavior. Otherwise, they think that it's OK. I know my husband is from a different culture background. I know of some of the practices that are a part of his history. But because we did not have the typical courtship of going out every weekend, and spending time with each other for months and months, I needed to learn his thoughts on matters, just as easily as he had to learn mine.

Sorry, but I just believe in nipping things in the butt immediately. Don't give it time to grow or festure. Now when we are out and about, and he runs into anyone he knows (male or female) that I don't know .... he quickly finds me, and introduces me as his 'right hand'.

Love your man, nuture and support him in all the things that are good for the two of you. But when two and two does not add up to four ... ask questions. Make it known that things do not appear to be 'right'. If nothing is going on, he should have no problem with making things clear. And as Besangin stated - when he starts to have a seizure when you ask him a question - dial 9-1-1.

All that I've said is only with the best of intentions - peace, love and prosperity - while keeping your 3rd eye open!

Boaz

WOW Boaz......That was a great post! Now that is what this thread should be about. Telling your experience. The problem, the solution and the outcome. All from a personal perspective. Straight and to the point. Without insulting, disrespecting or talking down to or at anyone. I totally agree with the way u handled the situation. Without accusing him of anything, u helped him understand how his actions could have been misunderstood. Sometimes we jump to conclusions, when all we need to do is explain why we are bothered by something. And as u said, if he is innocent, with nothing to hide, he will see this and make it right.

Thanks for sharing your story

[Kelechi 0]

For a while I decided to keep my thoughts and comments to myself regarding this post. It appeared as though whenever I made the statement "keep your third eye open", etc. comments with regards to 'why are you with your husband', or 'I would never do that' and even 'maybe you have some insecurities within yourself' filled the message board. Initially I was going to make replies regarding individuals being 'naive' on life matters. But I did not want to put it in print, because the intent is not to try and hurt anyone's feelings, nor did I want to come across as defensive. I just simply summed up as - maybe I'm not explaining myself very well. However, when I started to read Besangin's comments it helped me to formulate some feedback of my own.

So far so good, I can honestly say that I have been blessed with a good husband. Next month will be two years since his arrival. They were not the easiest years, nor were they close to being aweful. Something that has worked for me has been to always be aware of what's going on (Keeping my third eye open). It does not mean that my husband had (or does have) the intentions of trying to hurt me in anyway, but it did make him aware that I was not going to be 'played for a fool'. In the meantime, it helped me to eventually understand the heart of my husband.

In the midst of my husband waiting for his EAD, he eventually enrolled in a CNA Certification course at our community college. The course lasted one month, and he attended classes M-F. Two weeks into the class my husband started talking on the phone with a young lady he had met in the class. It did not bother me that he had a friend (besides, at the time I was the only person he knew here). However, I started having issues with the fact that whenever she called, and I would answer my husband's cell phone she would hang up, and when she did ask to speak to him she never acknowledged my presence. I told my husband that I considered this to be very rude behavior. His reply was pretty much, she does not mean anything by it.

In the midst of all of this I pulled up our cell phone records and saw that she was calling him almost everyday during a two week period (remember .... they just met). Knowing how nice and very naive my husband can me (seriously, this man truely has a heart of gold), and also knowing the mentality of some of the women in the town in which we live, I knew I had to step up my game. One afternoon she called again not knowing that I had my husband's cell phone with me (waiting for her call). She hung up, then I called her back. (NOTE: I know you are not to approach the 'other' women, but instead you need to approach 'your man'). I politely introduced myself, and said that I noticed that she and my husband had been communicating a lot. So I asked her if there was something going on, she said no. I asked was she in need of anything (my husband had already told me that she had a toddler), she said 'no'. So I then said to her 'well if there is nothing going on between you and my husband, and you are not in need of anything from us, I take it that this would be the last time you call me husband!'. She said 'OK". About an hour later the hefa had the nerve to call back, and say to me 'I was thinking about what you said, and I want you to know that he is my friend, and I can call him whenever I feel like it.' Because I was at work, I politely/professionaly said to her "OK", then I hung up.

WHEN I GOT HOME ........ I shared with my husband the conversations that had taken place, as well as my findings with regards to the cell phone calls. My husband was very strong in his behavior with regards to trying to convince me that she was just a class mate, and that he hardly knows her. I sat my husband down, and explained to him that that type of 'friendship' is not appropriate for a 'married' man. Besides, if she is 'his' friend, then why is she not 'my friend.'? During this 'hour of power' I shared with my husband the last conversation in which his classmate said to me that she could call him whenever she felt like it. Initially my husband was in disbelief that his classmate would say such. That was when I flipped and told him to 'get out'. I was absolute, positively, NOT going to deal with this type of drama in my life. I have been single, and independent for a long time, and AIN't nobody going to take away my peace of mind. So .... leave! Immediately my husband grabbed the phone from me, called his classmate, put her on the speaker phone, and point blank told her to "NEVER disrespect my wife again. As a matter of fact, don't ever talk to me again, NEVER".

You see - in my situation I believe that had I not 'kept my third eye open', my naive, kind, good looking, sensitive husband would have started to open the door to trouble. I do believe that my husband's intentions were good, but like I said - I know the mentality of some of the women in this town. In her case, she found someone who was attractive, nice and lives in a good neighborhood. Hmmm .... perhaps a new 'uncle' for her baby .....sorry - that was not nice. But anyway - believe it or not, my husband and I experienced one other situation similar to this several months later. However, he quickly learned a very valuable lesson - if she is not my wife's friend, she's not my friend either. In addition, we also learned that the 'approach' to things speaks volumes. For example, only communicating when I'm not around, easily sends the wrong message to both the other person as well as to me.

I am NOT saying to track each and everything your husband does. But as mentioned by someone else - when things don't add up - question it! Stop believing 'oh my sweet husband would never do such a thing'. Sometimes it ain't your husband you need to worry about. Except that in my case - my husband was too naive, and trusting to realize that he was about to walk into a wall; sorry - but temptation is a real thing! Had I not 'kept my 3rd eye open' things would have continued to manifest, and I probably would not be here today to tell my story. It's like rearing a child, you don't let them go around misbehaving without correcting their behavior. Otherwise, they think that it's OK. I know my husband is from a different culture background. I know of some of the practices that are a part of his history. But because we did not have the typical courtship of going out every weekend, and spending time with each other for months and months, I needed to learn his thoughts on matters, just as easily as he had to learn mine.

Sorry, but I just believe in nipping things in the butt immediately. Don't give it time to grow or festure. Now when we are out and about, and he runs into anyone he knows (male or female) that I don't know .... he quickly finds me, and introduces me as his 'right hand'.

Love your man, nuture and support him in all the things that are good for the two of you. But when two and two does not add up to four ... ask questions. Make it known that things do not appear to be 'right'. If nothing is going on, he should have no problem with making things clear. And as Besangin stated - when he starts to have a seizure when you ask him a question - dial 9-1-1.

All that I've said is only with the best of intentions - peace, love and prosperity - while keeping your 3rd eye open!

Boaz

Nicely said.

[stevi1123 0]

For a while I decided to keep my thoughts and comments to myself regarding this post. It appeared as though whenever I made the statement "keep your third eye open", etc. comments with regards to 'why are you with your husband', or 'I would never do that' and even 'maybe you have some insecurities within yourself' filled the message board. Initially I was going to make replies regarding individuals being 'naive' on life matters. But I did not want to put it in print, because the intent is not to try and hurt anyone's feelings, nor did I want to come across as defensive. I just simply summed up as - maybe I'm not explaining myself very well. However, when I started to read Besangin's comments it helped me to formulate some feedback of my own.

So far so good, I can honestly say that I have been blessed with a good husband. Next month will be two years since his arrival. They were not the easiest years, nor were they close to being aweful. Something that has worked for me has been to always be aware of what's going on (Keeping my third eye open). It does not mean that my husband had (or does have) the intentions of trying to hurt me in anyway, but it did make him aware that I was not going to be 'played for a fool'. In the meantime, it helped me to eventually understand the heart of my husband.

In the midst of my husband waiting for his EAD, he eventually enrolled in a CNA Certification course at our community college. The course lasted one month, and he attended classes M-F. Two weeks into the class my husband started talking on the phone with a young lady he had met in the class. It did not bother me that he had a friend (besides, at the time I was the only person he knew here). However, I started having issues with the fact that whenever she called, and I would answer my husband's cell phone she would hang up, and when she did ask to speak to him she never acknowledged my presence. I told my husband that I considered this to be very rude behavior. His reply was pretty much, she does not mean anything by it.

In the midst of all of this I pulled up our cell phone records and saw that she was calling him almost everyday during a two week period (remember .... they just met). Knowing how nice and very naive my husband can me (seriously, this man truely has a heart of gold), and also knowing the mentality of some of the women in the town in which we live, I knew I had to step up my game. One afternoon she called again not knowing that I had my husband's cell phone with me (waiting for her call). She hung up, then I called her back. (NOTE: I know you are not to approach the 'other' women, but instead you need to approach 'your man'). I politely introduced myself, and said that I noticed that she and my husband had been communicating a lot. So I asked her if there was something going on, she said no. I asked was she in need of anything (my husband had already told me that she had a toddler), she said 'no'. So I then said to her 'well if there is nothing going on between you and my husband, and you are not in need of anything from us, I take it that this would be the last time you call me husband!'. She said 'OK". About an hour later the hefa had the nerve to call back, and say to me 'I was thinking about what you said, and I want you to know that he is my friend, and I can call him whenever I feel like it.' Because I was at work, I politely/professionaly said to her "OK", then I hung up.

WHEN I GOT HOME ........ I shared with my husband the conversations that had taken place, as well as my findings with regards to the cell phone calls. My husband was very strong in his behavior with regards to trying to convince me that she was just a class mate, and that he hardly knows her. I sat my husband down, and explained to him that that type of 'friendship' is not appropriate for a 'married' man. Besides, if she is 'his' friend, then why is she not 'my friend.'? During this 'hour of power' I shared with my husband the last conversation in which his classmate said to me that she could call him whenever she felt like it. Initially my husband was in disbelief that his classmate would say such. That was when I flipped and told him to 'get out'. I was absolute, positively, NOT going to deal with this type of drama in my life. I have been single, and independent for a long time, and AIN't nobody going to take away my peace of mind. So .... leave! Immediately my husband grabbed the phone from me, called his classmate, put her on the speaker phone, and point blank told her to "NEVER disrespect my wife again. As a matter of fact, don't ever talk to me again, NEVER".

You see - in my situation I believe that had I not 'kept my third eye open', my naive, kind, good looking, sensitive husband would have started to open the door to trouble. I do believe that my husband's intentions were good, but like I said - I know the mentality of some of the women in this town. In her case, she found someone who was attractive, nice and lives in a good neighborhood. Hmmm .... perhaps a new 'uncle' for her baby .....sorry - that was not nice. But anyway - believe it or not, my husband and I experienced one other situation similar to this several months later. However, he quickly learned a very valuable lesson - if she is not my wife's friend, she's not my friend either. In addition, we also learned that the 'approach' to things speaks volumes. For example, only communicating when I'm not around, easily sends the wrong message to both the other person as well as to me.

I am NOT saying to track each and everything your husband does. But as mentioned by someone else - when things don't add up - question it! Stop believing 'oh my sweet husband would never do such a thing'. Sometimes it ain't your husband you need to worry about. Except that in my case - my husband was too naive, and trusting to realize that he was about to walk into a wall; sorry - but temptation is a real thing! Had I not 'kept my 3rd eye open' things would have continued to manifest, and I probably would not be here today to tell my story. It's like rearing a child, you don't let them go around misbehaving without correcting their behavior. Otherwise, they think that it's OK. I know my husband is from a different culture background. I know of some of the practices that are a part of his history. But because we did not have the typical courtship of going out every weekend, and spending time with each other for months and months, I needed to learn his thoughts on matters, just as easily as he had to learn mine.

Sorry, but I just believe in nipping things in the butt immediately. Don't give it time to grow or festure. Now when we are out and about, and he runs into anyone he knows (male or female) that I don't know .... he quickly finds me, and introduces me as his 'right hand'.

Love your man, nuture and support him in all the things that are good for the two of you. But when two and two does not add up to four ... ask questions. Make it known that things do not appear to be 'right'. If nothing is going on, he should have no problem with making things clear. And as Besangin stated - when he starts to have a seizure when you ask him a question - dial 9-1-1.

All that I've said is only with the best of intentions - peace, love and prosperity - while keeping your 3rd eye open!

Boaz

Very nicely put!! Amazing how big of a difference a point can get put across when the approach is lateral and not condescending or patronizing. Having been married previously for many years, I can attest to and agree with staying alert to things. I also believe that with God in the mix, and with the two people involved really wanting a successful lifelong union - it will be happen. Ups and downs are inevitable.

[BESANGIN 0]

I would like to start and topic within a topic. I think maybe it will be helpful to understand what people can or cannot live with. Of course I will go first.

What would be a source of concern for you or what are the top 3 things you would not tolerate from your mate?

1) LYING- It was a MAJOR concern and issue. I hate liars and my EX had a PHd in it! I tolerated it because I thought it was a phase he was going through. When I was starting to take on that characteristic to cover up how terrible he was as a husband and the real condition of our marriage, I knew I had to take action so I went to the laundromat when I was tired of the brown stains everywhere!

2)SECRACY-It was a major concern and issue. He was a BROKE 007 with NO GAME. He was ALWAYS getting busted with his dirt. Then he would use his PHd to try tocover it up or excuse it. Again I thought it was a phase and I tolerated it til word started getting back to me that they saw my EX husband with another woman. I took control of the issue and I pursued divorce preceedings.

3)SELFISHNESS- It was a MAJOR issue and concern. First I was ok, because I was giving him things and I thought it was encouraging to him to have nice things. It made me happy to see him happy. But when he threw the biggest fit because HE lost his part time job and we didn't have the extra money to send money home for his son and mom and still get his new 600.00 wardrobe out of the layaway. He did not want to wait until after Christmas to get it so his mom and son did without at Christmas time. I knew that wasn't a phase. But I stopped letting him spend all of my money on the bills while he bought new clothes and opened up a personal savings account for himself. He went to the gas station to fill up on my account and they told him DECLINED!!!!! Welcome to America, SIr. Didn't you read the tourist guide? DON"T SCREW WITH A WOMAN"S MONEY!!!!!!! I tolerated it until I got the first threat that they were going to foreclose on my house. AWWW HELL NAW. You got's to go, PARTNER!!!!! God has been spankin' his A$$ every since he left, and I have not been praying for bad luck to befall him. I guess God REALLY don't like ugly!!!

Those are my top 3. What are yours?

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Thank you to everyone for sharing your personal stories and thoughts. It's great to hear the many experiences and perspectives.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

anything abusive or addictive - Though I think I have a food addition which abuses my body

moving away from God - I need a God focused/centered man in my life. I'm not looking for perfection cause I know that doesn't exist, but I need someone who knows....

lying - unless it's a new diamond ring he's hiding from me for our anniversary

selfishness/self-centeredness - my ex thought he was the only person in the world who suffered. he never realized that other people in his family were along for ride and not enjoying his company in the least

lack of committment to the relationship and the family - being married and having a family takes a lot of work and it succeeds best when it's the priority in your life. I'm need someone who has the same priorities that I have.

being judgemental or controlling - I have a mother and a father....I need a life partner who will be supportive, accepting and encouraging.

[devils_advocate 0]

This topic it strait up serious!!!

We have two groups here...the befores and the afters.

The befores are all still basking in the glow of love

The afters and seen the light and sometimes it aint pretty

Some of you are shocked at the thought of spying on your SO, in my "before time" I would have thought so too, that I would not want someone to do that to me.

Now is my "after time" and I see how trust can fade, and how the spying game may begin.

(whatever you need to do to keep your third eye open)

I too am married to a Nigerian Man, I too knew him for several years before we married, traveled to see him many times. You dont know someone untill you live with them. I dont care who you are or how strong you think your bond is. Shiet Happens and you will be shocked and jaw dropped when it does... hear your self saying " Not my man" oh yes honey your man.

Read Read Read Sisters there are MANY simularities in these stories...chat rooms, internet, secretive, lies (however trival they may seem, baby, those are LIES), odd out of the "norm for him" behavior...need I go on?

I hear an echo " NOT MY MAN"

I love my husband just like all of the rest of these wives of Nigerian Husbands. But I am also looking at everyones experiences and learning, taking notes. The cultural difference gaps are MUCH bigger that we all think, we need some big bridges sisters to understand what in the heck just happened???

Dont expect your American friends and or family to get it, they dont and they wont, they want to make him a cookie cutter American however good thier intentions may be.

Can all of this strange behavior that so many of us have commonly shared be cultural differences? I believe so YES YES YES I do.

READ READ READ Sisters and silently take notes and wait for your "before time" to become "after time" and use your "third eyes" (however you determine that is) so watch and see what may or may not happen.

Prepare yourselves, marriage is a series of ups and downs and TESTS, you would not go to an exam unprepared... would you?