Being real about marriage!!!

[BESANGIN 0]

Well I am at work right now, but stay tuned, cause I am going to reveal a little more about my situation. I won't go into great detail 'cause I'm saving it for my book, but hopefully reading the examples of what I am trying to get across will help. So be ready to cry and laugh your A$$ off 'cause I'm gonna bring it tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PEACE!!!

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

When I joined VJ I constantly looked for information about international relationships. And there really wasn't a lot of information out there. Also, there wasn't as much of a space on VJ to discuss these issues. Personally, I am sharing my story to support others who are in similar situations and to tell stories that I didn't read while I was considering if this relationship was for me.

I believe its important for people to know that they're not alone and to know that maybe they DID pray enough and maybe they did the best they could but it still didn't work out. Bad things happen to faithful people. Look at Job. He lost it all while folks sat on the sidelines questioning his faith.

Best wishes, everyone.

I agree that there isn't much of a forum. But I feel that there is currently a very strong forum for "your man is scamming you" blah blah blah. There still isn't much of a forum for "these are some of the things that happened in my international relationship and how we resolved it". Lots of information on ended relationships. What about the successful ones? They weren't all peaches and cream, I'm sure. I'm more interested in those. 'Cause I don't go into a relationship planning its end. And if issues arise, it would be great to have ideas ahead of time for resolution.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Are you all tired of hearing me?? Nobody quotes me . Is that good or bad? OK I am laughing at myself over here.

When my husband's case was prolonged because of my lawyer, I said GOD has more for Pastor Gbenga to do in Nigeria before he graces his presence in America and I need to share more of my past experiences with people on VISAJourney.

How come we cant edit our post anymore? I hate to find typos in my post.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I first want to say I have been very busy in this new life with a new job and a new husband and have not been posting as much as I probably should and I hope I can post a bit more especially if I can help someone in their journey.

I have been reading this post and I personally feel this is a very good post. We need to try to let the ones coming after us know not only the good but the bad also as any marriage has. I need to tell you ladies to be very careful of your personal computers and your telephones especially your cell phones. I also want to inform you that there are ways to protect yourself when you have a personal computer in your home with Internet Access. There is software on the market that can moniter your pc. If anyone wants more information about what I am talking about just pm me and I will give you details. Some telephone companies allow you to keep track of phone calls on a daily basis and AT&T is one of them. No matter how you trust your husband always take care of you first. Always try to stay one step ahead of satan and rebuke him in the name of Jesus.

We have to remember that our fiances or husbands had a life before they met us and some of these people that were in their lives will continue to be in their lives. All I am saying is to keep your eyes open and be cautious of these people that are being called cousins, sisters, extended family and aunts. If you see a lot of chatting, text messaging, and phone calls going on between your husband or fiance and a cousin ask questions. This just could not be a cousin. And no matter how close you think you are to his family just remember that it is his family not yours and they all could be in on whatever is going on. Stay in prayer my sisters and brothers and always remember that there is someone on VJ who is going through the same thing that you are so dont think or feel that you are alone.

What kind of marriage can you have if you are constantly suspicious of your spouse? I don't understand it. You are not the first to say this but to all who think that you need to watch your spouse, are you happy? Are you fulfilled in your marriage? I have never been married but I know that no man is worth it if I constantly have suspicious thoughts about him.

Sorry, but this issue is really eating at me. Did you not think about this before you got married? If you are unsure about his intentions then why not get out of the marriage?

Marriage is about love, trust, compromise and adjustment. Do you think that your spouse cannot sense these uncertainties that you have? Maybe this is what leads them to go out and do what they do.

How do you have love without trust?

So now, are all of us supposed to go out and get these spying devices, install them on our computers and cell phones and be suspicious of every little thing? I am sorry but until my man gives me a reason to mistrust him I will not. What does that say about me and my commitment to this relationship?

If you look hard enough, you will see that which isn't there.

I totally agree.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

What you fail to realize is that people marry their husband/wives believing that they are wonderful, awesome and incredible people. If you read the posts in the 'adusting" section you'll see story after story about how poeple who are wonderful overseas and come here and cut a natural fool (or were percieved to do so). I'm not saying its all the immigrants fault but obviously there are a lot os USC in states of shock. Some of it may be cultural I don't know. Either way, if you marry someone from a country where they can't come to the US on their own there is a chance that they have ulterior motives. They may be in love, yes, but at the same time they may also see their love as an opportunity for a better life for them and their entire family. It doesn't mean that ALL immigrants but there's a chance. Just like if a rich man marries there's a chance his wife may not be as willing to put up with him as he thought she would be before they got married. Its just human nature. Let's keep it real.

I am married and I am current living without trust. It didn't start out that way, For most of the time during my relationship I got to know him and trusted him. And I thought I got what he was about. Once he arrived in the US things changed. Let me be clear. Things changed because my husbant thought that I was a God fearing woman who loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him and we'd just be happy. What he didn't realize was the he'd F"D up. And maybe that's where culture comes in because in his country women don't confront their men the way they do here. Maybe in his country men get away with bad behavior. We certainly see it here in the US. So its not a stretch for a man from a male-doninated society to think that he doesn't have to be accountable even when he's wrong.

So if you want to know how someone can live without trust there you have it. The reality is that its not the end of the world. Similar things happen between USC. We will all survie. But...the issue is that ending the relationship is little bit harger BECAUSE he's an immigrant. You bring him here and you want to give it time to work. You want to feel as if you've tried to understand his culture versus personality. You realize that he WILL NEVER just leave and return home. You factor in his visa status and his future. You feel guilty asking him to leave. After all that happens, you realize that you don't wanna put up with his bs, his culture or whatever anymore. You just want YOUR LIFE back.

Every relationship is different. And I honestly believe that an international relationship COULD work. But as others have said more eloquently than me, do your homework on the front end, spend a lot of time with the SO before he moves here and keep the faith.

I see your point and I respect what you said but at the end of the day I have to wonder if all the spying, mistrust and suspision on the front end is not dooming the relationship from the beginning.

I am not going into marriage with blinders on. I know that it is not a bed of roses but I am also not going to consume myself on the off chance that he may be in it for something else.

I'm sorry maybe I am just too naive or young or something.

Well, I'm not naive and I'm not young. Oh wait. Yes, I am young. Very young. I look like a baby. Ok.....back to what we were talking about.....I think that the focus should be on the MARRIAGE. Making a marriage work is hard work. It's much harder than leaving the marriage or finding mistakes in the marriage. That's why it's a strong committment that must be made by both parties before GOD. I WILL NOT go into my marriage, looking for a problem or planning the end of the marriage. I will not plant spying equipment and question him about who he talks to online and track how often he's talking to them. Oh my goodness. I don't know if this move is so great for Bassi. He didn't want to make it and it took us about 7 months to decide on living in the US for a while first. The decision was influenced strongly by my daughter whose father lives here. He'd prefer to live in Africa and was living a pleasant life there. He's not rich, but he's happy and that's his goal in life. Go figure. Westerners don't know much about that. Money means happiness for most of us. There is no absolute in relationships. Because we bring our own baggage into it. Maybe some women aren't building strong healthy relationships. But solid, positive advice is not to plant spying devices, get prenuptial agreements, track your husband or withhold trust. It's to build a strong healthy relationship, focus on God and pray for constant guidance and then step out on faith.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

He's not rich, but he's happy and that's his goal in life. Go figure. Westerners don't know much about that. Money means happiness for most of us. There is no absolute in relationships. Because we bring our own baggage into it.

That is so important. Was your SO happy where he was. If he was complaining about his surroundings there, he will complain about his surroundings in the US. One of my favorite quotes from Wayne Dyer. Circumstances do not make a man. They reveal him.

Maybe some women aren't building strong healthy relationships. But solid, positive advice is not to plant spying devices, get prenuptial agreements, track your husband or withhold trust. It's to build a strong healthy relationship, focus on God and pray for constant guidance and then step out on faith.

If you have to spy on your man, you should get out of the relationship. Not because there is something wrong with him (something is wrong and you do not need to prove it), but you need to look inside as to why you are doing that. I can't say it enough. Trust comes from within. Chances are you instincts are correct, but you have to know you feel that way because something is either wrong with you or him. But trust yourself to know that something is wrong. Do not spend time trying to validate your feelings.

I love your young inocent point of view Basi and Zainab. Shall your journey be wonderful and you both overcome all adversities in your marriage. You will be able to maintain that point of view. You can look back on our discussion and believe that we must be mad. *wink. Just because you are young does not mean you are not on your right path. I love your affirmation of your relationship.

It took me a few years to realize that not everyone walked around in life doubting people as I had in the past. I now walk in faith that everything put in front of me is god's doing. I feel safe that all experiences I walk into are meant to be good or bad.

[Kelechi 0]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

No matter what others may say to you always remember you are not alone. There are more people out there who have the same issues as you and sometimes worse. If you need to talk you can pm me and I am always close to listen to you. This is the reason why people come to this forum and then leave. Everyone has a right to say what they need to say without starting a ugly arguement. Let the peace of God rule in your hearts. There is nothing wrong with being careful.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

This is the reason why people come to this forum and then leave. Everyone has a right to say what they need to say without starting a ugly arguement.

Are there people here who feel that this topic/forum is an "ugly argument"? I hope there aren't cause I thought it was healthy discussion. If there are, please speak up, cause I think we should keep this forum open to everyone's ideas, thoughts and opinions. We won't ever agree on everything and shouldn't expect to, but no one should feel that they can't participate. If you choose, not to participate, that's another beast, but no one should feel that they can't participate.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

I thought everyone was posting respectfully.

Maybe I need to reread.

[idocare 3]

Besangin again you had me in tears. Hilarious but real. Nothing like a glass of wine and Besangin post. What a night?

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Girl you know I'm tellin' the truth, and folks may hate on me but they know I'm tellin' the truth too! Even about the DING DING!!!! OOOOOOO It's getting HOT in here!!!!!!!

Did -I- say- that?

LOVES ME SOME T.D. JAKES................THANKS

[Ta Ta 1]

I agree it is a helpful discussion within an arena of varied experiences.

I am of the believe that our different perspectives do not indicate an argument but that the major consensus is :

Be careful when you get to know someone ask questions, research the culture, investigate.

If you feel good about it and go with God's guidance then go for it and enjoy the marriage and don't withhold trust.

If he gives you reason to believe he is dishonest and lies turn up then be guarded and investigate.

Walk in love, faith and prayer and get counseling to work through these issues.

If the marriage gets stronger for it great........if it ends forgive and move on, share your experience , put caution out there but yet be encouraging to others.

That is what I am getting out of this, we just all use a different style to express ourselves.

[Ta Ta 1]

Sometimes it appears that we have a divided camp........on one side the trusting peeps on the other the non trusting suspicious peeps.

But really, if we all sat around a table in real life I think we would be able to come to terms with the main issues I pointed out in my previous post.

I don't think it would escalate to into a food fight

I appreciate all your comments and am also looking for practical advice on resolution of conflict. Who is currently doing what to overcome

difficulties and how is it working. What advice do you have for those who are in the mess right now and everything is falling apart ?

That would be really helpful.

[ose_n_me 0]

I agree it is a helpful discussion within an arena of varied experiences.

I am of the believe that our different perspectives do not indicate an argument but that the major consensus is :

Be careful when you get to know someone ask questions, research the culture, investigate.

If you feel good about it and go with God's guidance then go for it and enjoy the marriage and don't withhold trust.

If he gives you reason to believe he is dishonest and lies turn up then be guarded and investigate.

Walk in love, faith and prayer and get counseling to work through these issues.

If the marriage gets stronger for it great........if it ends forgive and move on, share your experience , put caution out there but yet be encouraging to others.

That is what I am getting out of this, we just all use a different style to express ourselves.

Sometimes it appears that we have a divided camp........on one side the trusting peeps on the other the non trusting suspicious peeps.

But really, if we all sat around a table in real life I think we would be able to come to terms with the main issues I pointed out in my previous post.

I don't think it would escalate to into a food fight

I appreciate all your comments and am also looking for practical advice on resolution of conflict. Who is currently doing what to overcome

difficulties and how is it working. What advice do you have for those who are in the mess right now and everything is falling apart ?

That would be really helpful.

AMEN SISTA!

I think if everyone just shared their experiences, without generalizing. Making it clear they are only talking from "THEIR EXPERIENCE"and not trying to say "all" men are that way. I also think everyone should be less judemental about the way people handle their own situations. No one should be bashing anyone here. We are all people, with different cultures, upbringings and personalities. Unless someone asks us for advice..we should just be here as support and listen to what those going thru it want to share with us. If we continue to insult or disrespect those who want to share, we will never have a place to seek answers and support cuz no one will want to be subjected to the ridicule. Like someone said....we will never all agree on any of these topics, or on how to handle these situations. Those who want to debate culture vs personality, men vs women, trust vs suspicion need to start a thread on that subject. I believe this thread started as a place to share the experiences relating to being married and transitioning. I really think this site is extremely important for all of us. We just need to show respect and compassion, cuz in reality we all in this together!

So please everyone.....keep posting your experiences. Many of us welcome hearing everything u have to say...good or bad!

[Enlighten one :) 5]

I do not think we often hear that sort of advice because they are busy working on their relationship and enjoying the company of there SO. if your SO get to America and he is still all he appeared to be he would be busy taking care of business as he promised or you assumed he would be.

When I was in Africa my husband and I used to sit out on the hotel balcony talking over tea and coffee. We spent hours talking at night till we could not take it anymore. Look out when my son was up though, he made sure everything was about him. My Husband was very supportive of the attention Elijah(son) was to have. Elijah is 9 and only experienced me with one other SO. So he is used of his mothers undivided attention.

When my husband arrives in America, we will not be on line chatting about how happy we are or how we are succeeding at our obstacles. Maybe once a month to check in to see if anyone else need help. Now that I am almost a VJ expert.

I located this site in attempt to learn how my lawyer was messing up. I have met some wonderful people here. I came across a few forums that were all too memorable experiences. I want to keep people informed as people have informed me. If are relationship does not make it through all the obstacles for what ever reason though, I can see myself coming back to inform everyone of the obstacles I encountered.

I have to admit a fault i have. It is something I need to work on, but as I look at certain peoples pictures I see in their eyes that this is not real for them. To me I am being judge mental in my thoughts. But boy i can see some peoples happiness shine right through their eyes. You just can't fake a smile like those. I say to myself....Missy that is not God's way. Maybe they are just emotionless people. But I have true joy in my life, before my husband. Now I have someone to share it with. I want that for everyone.

[blah0323 0]

I first want to say I have been very busy in this new life with a new job and a new husband and have not been posting as much as I probably should and I hope I can post a bit more especially if I can help someone in their journey.

I have been reading this post and I personally feel this is a very good post. We need to try to let the ones coming after us know not only the good but the bad also as any marriage has. I need to tell you ladies to be very careful of your personal computers and your telephones especially your cell phones. I also want to inform you that there are ways to protect yourself when you have a personal computer in your home with Internet Access. There is software on the market that can moniter your pc. If anyone wants more information about what I am talking about just pm me and I will give you details. Some telephone companies allow you to keep track of phone calls on a daily basis and AT&T is one of them. No matter how you trust your husband always take care of you first. Always try to stay one step ahead of satan and rebuke him in the name of Jesus.

We have to remember that our fiances or husbands had a life before they met us and some of these people that were in their lives will continue to be in their lives. All I am saying is to keep your eyes open and be cautious of these people that are being called cousins, sisters, extended family and aunts. If you see a lot of chatting, text messaging, and phone calls going on between your husband or fiance and a cousin ask questions. This just could not be a cousin. And no matter how close you think you are to his family just remember that it is his family not yours and they all could be in on whatever is going on. Stay in prayer my sisters and brothers and always remember that there is someone on VJ who is going through the same thing that you are so dont think or feel that you are alone.

You have made some very valid points!!!