Being real about marriage!!!

[blah0323 0]

Now Ya'll know I was not going to let this one get away without adding my two cents in. Well, more like 15.00 dollars worth. The bottom line is, God is involved in the whole process already!!!! He gives us the minds and the good sense to discern things for ourselves. He gives us a heart to love and the free choice to choose, but truth be told we as women lead with our hearts. Yeah it goes good and they say all the right things and because of that we convince ourselves that hmmmmm, I think I might found a good one. Then we move on to the test stage where we want to know if he's a cheater, does he like kids, does he love God, and so forth and so on. When we hear the answers we want to hear we start to let down our guard. At that point we base off what we hear, what we saw for the brief moments we spent with our men and we decide yes, he's the one. Not that "he's the one I want to go further with so I got to really get to know him", but "oh he told me this, and I saw that and his friends and family said he was this." So now we have validation that he's a good man. But where we go wrong ladies is that we let that love bug take our A$$e$ OUT!! We stop being the reasonable intelligent women that we are, and we say, "It's going to be all good when he gets home!" But the truth of the matter is we didn't take the time to REALLY get to know them. HOW CAN WE??!!!!!! My therapist, and yes I needed some serious therapy behind my experince not just after the collision but before to help me to really understand and deal with our differences. Believe me had I not, I would be fighting Big Jane for my time to post this to you on the computer from prison because I would have gone straight GHETTO, TERMINATOR, BEOCH on his A$$. So moving right along. He said to me very quietly, Sonya did you really get to know Michael before you married him? Did you know and see his work ethic, did you see how he managed his money, did you see how he dealt or did he talk about his past relationships. Do you know where the boy went to kindergarten? Like a complete dummy answering honestly, I had to say no to all the above. I am not talking about what he told me and what I saw the little time I was in my EX spouses country with him, but on a long term bases that I could say that this man may have some issues but I know he is this. Couldn't do it. The time I was there I didn't want to spend that time arguing and trying to get to know his demons, 'cause we know we all got a dark side to us. so if we had a disagreement we didn't resolve it 'cause I had to get to the DING DING so I could be filled up while we waited for the visa to be approved. Am I strikin' a nerve yet? It ain't no steretype that they they are uh hum..... GIFTED in that department, and I know ya'll feel me! You do not have to live with a person to find out what and who they are made of, but getting to know someone takes time PERIOD!!!!!!! And THAT is where we go wrong. So saying its all his fault not true. We help to create our situations by not truly trusting in God. I mean that we want that good married life so bad that we step in and help things along instead of truly letting it be in God's time. Hate me or love, here or abroad, we have to let our men be men in all seasons and quit feeling guilty for expecting them to be the men of God they claim to be, because God's standard calls them higher than what we as mortal women want so no need to feel guilty, That is if your foundation is based in the bible. If your faith is something else I cannot speak to that. You know what works for you.

Now if you know the people that you are marrying or intending to marry, then everything else will be water under the bridge because if you have taken the time to know the person good and bad then at that point you make your decision on if this is your ever after. If it is not, walk away, and if it is then you got some work ahead of you 'cause no one is perfect, but you got what you want. Now if you jump into something and you find out later it wasn't what you subscribed to, then you got what you wanted because you thought you knew everything there is to know. If you are a commited person then you try to see it through til there is nothing left to even hope for, but if you are a quiter you just leave it, you move on to the next situation without having dealt with the first. A sure recipe to repeat the mistake.

When we fall in love and for a while we see no wrong in our loves. Even their POOP smells like roses and we love them. But you need more than love and a good feeling, 'cause when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the light is out and you sit on the toilet and that seat is up, AND he done pee'd on it, you AIN't gonna be loving his A$$ right then and there. That's when that foundation comes in, you remember that this man stayed up with you all night when you were cramping and rubbed your back. He cuts the grass and takes out the trash without you telling him.... thats when sitting in cold pee is not so bad. I don't want to discourage the new wives and fiancees just be strong and handle your business. At this point you can't comprehend anything but your love for your spouse,and for the most part that is good, because love brought you here in the first place, and those of us who have experienced an unhappy outcome cannot expect you to see what we see because you have not traveled that road ,and I pray that none of you have to, and if you trust God and the smarts that He gave you you will not. Its ok from time to time to get your head out of the clouds and just take a look around earth for a minute. Even moreso if you have children because if you make a mistake they will suffer too. I love children and hate to see them hurt! So take care of them!

Now to address one more issue and I will let you tear my post apart. Don't be naive in thinking that international relationships are no different than American one because they ARE!!! Yes men will be men no matter what, but there are way more cicumstances that come with pursuing one. Now, from what I can gather from the posts that I have read, the MAJORITY of the women here are intelligent and savvy, and if you would not allow and american man to lay up on you while you go to work and he has the ability to work, and if you require him to be a man and support your (in this day and age both have to work) family then why would it be ok for a foreign spouse to do that? Yes we have no choice in the beginning, but there should be no excuses when he can. So financially we are not going to put up the finances for a man already here like we do for our foreign SO. So yes there is a difference.

Lastly I leave you with this, when your man comes home and you find yourself asking, "What the HELL did customs do with my husband they replaced him with an imposter?" And you ask that question often because it feels like you are living with a stranger in your home, then NO, my sister you, did NOT get to know that man like you think. Things that you saw in him and he told you should not be a night and day difference when he is here. People just don't get BI POLAR Disorder, no offense if you struggle with that. All I say is Know him NOW or suffer later and suffer you will. Not saying you won't succeed, but the odds are not in our favor in any relationship foreign or domestic. But anything worth having is worth the work, just make sure you know what you can and cannot invest emotionally and financially. God first, your spouse second, and yourself last. AND GET TO KNOW HIM ON ALLL LEVELS!!!! That's ALL FOLKS!!!!

I disagree with most that you said. Some women may lead with their hearts, but let's not assume that we all do. For the simple reason, people from other countries think it is just royalty here. When they get here and see how people treat and half respect each other, they fall into the same game, not all but some. Seem to think, this is what America is about. No I wouldn't put up with and American or Foreign mans nonsense, that is probably why the issues arise in my marriage.

But let's be real, you really don't know a person, until you live with them and see everything 24/7. There are a lot of generalizations made, and I feel each situation is different. I know of others who may be having an hard time, but I wouldn't say they jumped into it too quick or didn't get to know the spouse.

I do believe the pressures of the visa journey puts a strain on the relationship, and then trying to really get know them, plus when you are together daily, it is a whole new avenue. Most who are doing the visa journey may and may not be able to go and visit on a regular basis before the process is approved, so for whatever the reason things fall apart. But in my eyes, that is more so when GOD should be invited in, to lead and guide in the relationship.

[southernchic 0]

When I joined VJ I constantly looked for information about international relationships. And there really wasn't a lot of information out there. Also, there wasn't as much of a space on VJ to discuss these issues. Personally, I am sharing my story to support others who are in similar situations and to tell stories that I didn't read while I was considering if this relationship was for me.

I believe its important for people to know that they're not alone and to know that maybe they DID pray enough and maybe they did the best they could but it still didn't work out. Bad things happen to faithful people. Look at Job. He lost it all while folks sat on the sidelines questioning his faith.

Best wishes, everyone.

[Ta Ta 1]

When I joined VJ I constantly looked for information about international relationships. And there really wasn't a lot of information out there. Also, there wasn't as much of a space on VJ to discuss these issues. Personally, I am sharing my story to support others who are in similar situations and to tell stories that I didn't read while I was considering if this relationship was for me.

I believe its important for people to know that they're not alone and to know that maybe they DID pray enough and maybe they did the best they could but it still didn't work out. Bad things happen to faithful people. Look at Job. He lost it all while folks sat on the sidelines questioning his faith.

Best wishes, everyone.

When my first marriage failed I was upset with God because I thought I did everything by the book.

I prayed about it and said God you gave me that man....now look what happened.

It took me years to come to terms with it.

I later saw clearly that I did my share of mistakes also. The marriage then was finally over because he was not sincere in reconciling and

preferred to play around on and off line. It takes two to make it work.

God was put on the shelve often in our marriage.

Yes, one can pray and it still can get bad enough for the marriage to fail because the other is unwilling and insincere and has hardened his heart

to go his own way.

How can a house divided stand ?

I appreciate your candid input and yes bad things happen to good and faithful people. God can turn it around if both have a willing heart.

We should be careful to judge others lest we ourselves fall.

I dislike it when people judge others and say he must have sinned to have that happen to him. We all have sinned and fallen short. Nobody is perfect.

It is not our job to judge anyone. All we can do is advice from what life has taught us and from the word.

[Kelechi 0]

I first want to say I have been very busy in this new life with a new job and a new husband and have not been posting as much as I probably should and I hope I can post a bit more especially if I can help someone in their journey.

I have been reading this post and I personally feel this is a very good post. We need to try to let the ones coming after us know not only the good but the bad also as any marriage has. I need to tell you ladies to be very careful of your personal computers and your telephones especially your cell phones. I also want to inform you that there are ways to protect yourself when you have a personal computer in your home with Internet Access. There is software on the market that can moniter your pc. If anyone wants more information about what I am talking about just pm me and I will give you details. Some telephone companies allow you to keep track of phone calls on a daily basis and AT&T is one of them. No matter how you trust your husband always take care of you first. Always try to stay one step ahead of satan and rebuke him in the name of Jesus.

We have to remember that our fiances or husbands had a life before they met us and some of these people that were in their lives will continue to be in their lives. All I am saying is to keep your eyes open and be cautious of these people that are being called cousins, sisters, extended family and aunts. If you see a lot of chatting, text messaging, and phone calls going on between your husband or fiance and a cousin ask questions. This just could not be a cousin. And no matter how close you think you are to his family just remember that it is his family not yours and they all could be in on whatever is going on. Stay in prayer my sisters and brothers and always remember that there is someone on VJ who is going through the same thing that you are so dont think or feel that you are alone.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

My post was mainly to encourage woman in new relationships to not take mistrust to a level where it interferes with growing together.

I pointed out that I was talking about a healthy relationship where no chronic dishonesty has been discovered.

I see some people always worry if he is ' in for the green card ' when there are no signs of that, that to me is not healthy.

My point is that if someone is not feeling security and trust in their relationship, they should put on their breaks and rethink their embarkment. If there is mistrust, that always start from within. Yes it does show insecurity of who they are and what they stand for in life. If they feel that way, they could be making a major mistake. Even if their assumptions are wrong, they need to look inside themselves to figure out why they feel this way. No one should go into a relationship with mistrust. So if you are feeling that way do not go further until you do not. Anytime you doubt anything in your life you are doubting yourself and/or GOD.

Intuition is to often overlooked until it is too late. How many women follow their intuition, then say wow I should not have listen to my inner-self screaming at me. Confident god fearing women listen to their intuition.

I am thank full for everyone sharing the bad and the god. I have been wanting to restart this post that was combined with an original post that had nothing to do with the topic it had become.

I do not think anyone should make assumptions about other peoples experiences. I do think they should share their story that might help another person. Their was many people saying how did this topic become a Nigerian bashing post. We needed to realize that we were in a Nigerian portal, but this goes on under all countries portals. The man/woman is who they are no matter which country they are from. The relationship is what it would be had you stayed in their country or both moved to different countries. No matter where you go there you are! I can't remember who I am quoting. but it is all so true.

I value anyones opinions, if they come from love, compassion, and respect for humanity. You know I even welcome the unhealthy ones to realize how much I have grown through the years emotionally and spiritually. Everyone is inthis world for a reason. We have to experience what we do to grow in life. IF we did nto have the downs, how would we have the ups?

The only mistrust you should have in a relationship is that your worried your husband or so is spending too much on your Christmas gift. *wink

I have a story I was told during a prior post that was confidentially share with me. She has allowed me to share it with you all anonymously in hopes it might stop someone with doubt make that same decision. Soon to come.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Here is one of the two emails I had received during a recent controversial post under the wrong original post. Have not heard from the other women, so I will not post her story unless she gives me permission.

<Beginning of note>

thanks for your post. I wish I had the strength to speak out, but I don't feel good about myself when I just suffer in silence. I am not as brave as IDOCARE, but just wanted to let you know I felt good about your posts.

When I was ready to separate from my husband, he claimed he videotaped me in our house, not sure where, and then made copies to distribute to my friends, coworkers and family. He said if I didn't go through with the immigration process he'll send them to the school district where I work. HE HAD HELP FROM AFRICAN FRIENDS WHO LIVE HERE. THEY ALWAYS FIND HELP AND SUPPORT. WE DON'T SUPPORT EACH OTHER THE WAY THE SO GETS HELP.

I believe he has my passport, social security card, birth certificate and my naturalization papers. I have no money and my identity is gone too. I won't even go through the health problems I have had on top of that devastation.

If he happens to have emotional problems, bi-polar, alcoholism etc. the journey can be a one way ticket to hell and cultural difference won't matter. So just to let you know even though some don't want to hear the truth right now, they'll reflect on it when they sh*** hits the fan. May we all be as brave as you. <end of note>

Despite this women's journey she is still among us giving encouragement and support.

Yes there is someone else that is still feeling bitterness and might pass it in certain post. But if you are confident in your relationship what she says should not bother anyone. I do not agree with some of her words, but her post makes me feel her pain and I have lots of compassion for her. Once she has healed emotionally she might be able to assist more people constructively.

Thank you all for the courage and strength to share your story for the benefit of all. whether it is to realize that you might be making a mistake or if strengthens your appreciation for you current relationship.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

I agree to the end of your post. We can never be prepared enough for the differences we are going to encounter once we are in American living together. I have already started making adjustments. When I was in Nigeria, I had a hot roller set that I plugged into an adapter, but did not realize the voltage difference. It started smoking so I unplugged it and through it in the trash. My husband said Honey what are you doing. I will have that fixed for you. I am like no i will just get a new one when I get home. Sure enough he handed it to a friend and asked them to fix it for me. The next day I had my hot rollers back fixed. I was amazed. Just imagine all the stuff we just toss in America that can be easily fixed. I am working on not wasting items and food. WE are both preparing for the adjustment. Him through reading me through practice. WE are both patient people so we will work through our challenges.

I am just concerned with women who are having problem with their SO and keep labeling it as cultural differences. I once confused cultural difference with a mental disorder bi-polar. He was Haitian. His mother had an affair and he was born out of this. He was the only dark child in the family. His family and community treated him like a leper. His mother left for the US and left him with an aunt and uncle that abused him physically and emotionally. He did not come to America until he was 24, which was why their was a language barrier. He still could make me laugh even when I was mad.

I can look back now and laugh at myself. I was a college graduate with a bachelors degree in Communication. He was severely bipolar. I was with him for two years. I spent 22 months trying to end things with him. Every time i left him his mental stability decayed. He would give out the shirt of his back and treated all with respect. Being the nurturer. I can save the world. LOL

In the end I got him disability, housing, medication, and medical treatment. He finally did all this because He though this is what he needed to do to keep me. Once he was safe, secure, and treated I left. He stopped taking his medication shortly after. For a while my friends said that he was spotted wearing this nice suite I had gotten him for my graduation. the pants all frayed at the bottom and suit stained.

Boy did I get of track. Thanks for listening. See I just saved $150 in therapy.

A lot of times we write on these boards about the culture shock of the foreign SO coming here and adjusting to American culture but I also think that the USC has to adjust to the culture shock of having their SO here. I think it is so much more than finding an ethnic store in the area for them to shop at.....hmm, maybe I should start a thread

We all get so swept up in the fantasy of someone who loves us from half a world away, who we are fighting to get here and once they land on American soil all our problems are going to go away and we will live the American dream. And then they get here and reality hits us like a steamroller.

Southernchic, you bring up a good point about trust and culture. IMHO, I don't think that living together for any length of time will fix any issues unless both parties make adjustments to accomodate each other. To me, and I am no expert, the actions of your husband seem to be influenced by his character and his culture. As for the comment about the beating I cannot say that I am surprised, not saying that is is right, but I am not surprised. Unfortunately it is a reaction that is all too common in too many parts of Africa.

Boaz, thank you for sharing the tip on not spoiling your SO

[Enlighten one :) 5]

$15.00 dollars

Plane ticket to Nigeria $1500. Quality hotel in Nigeria $400 -500. BESANGIN experiences priceless!!!

Thank you for sharing. Your time and honesty is valued and appreciated.

[Zee Bee 61]

I first want to say I have been very busy in this new life with a new job and a new husband and have not been posting as much as I probably should and I hope I can post a bit more especially if I can help someone in their journey.

I have been reading this post and I personally feel this is a very good post. We need to try to let the ones coming after us know not only the good but the bad also as any marriage has. I need to tell you ladies to be very careful of your personal computers and your telephones especially your cell phones. I also want to inform you that there are ways to protect yourself when you have a personal computer in your home with Internet Access. There is software on the market that can moniter your pc. If anyone wants more information about what I am talking about just pm me and I will give you details. Some telephone companies allow you to keep track of phone calls on a daily basis and AT&T is one of them. No matter how you trust your husband always take care of you first. Always try to stay one step ahead of satan and rebuke him in the name of Jesus.

We have to remember that our fiances or husbands had a life before they met us and some of these people that were in their lives will continue to be in their lives. All I am saying is to keep your eyes open and be cautious of these people that are being called cousins, sisters, extended family and aunts. If you see a lot of chatting, text messaging, and phone calls going on between your husband or fiance and a cousin ask questions. This just could not be a cousin. And no matter how close you think you are to his family just remember that it is his family not yours and they all could be in on whatever is going on. Stay in prayer my sisters and brothers and always remember that there is someone on VJ who is going through the same thing that you are so dont think or feel that you are alone.

What kind of marriage can you have if you are constantly suspicious of your spouse? I don't understand it. You are not the first to say this but to all who think that you need to watch your spouse, are you happy? Are you fulfilled in your marriage? I have never been married but I know that no man is worth it if I constantly have suspicious thoughts about him.

Sorry, but this issue is really eating at me. Did you not think about this before you got married? If you are unsure about his intentions then why not get out of the marriage?

Marriage is about love, trust, compromise and adjustment. Do you think that your spouse cannot sense these uncertainties that you have? Maybe this is what leads them to go out and do what they do.

How do you have love without trust?

So now, are all of us supposed to go out and get these spying devices, install them on our computers and cell phones and be suspicious of every little thing? I am sorry but until my man gives me a reason to mistrust him I will not. What does that say about me and my commitment to this relationship?

If you look hard enough, you will see that which isn't there.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

Thank you! Your time will be appreciated and add value to all of our journeys.

Hi Ladies,

I enjoyed reading all the things that was posted here. Firstly, let me encourage my sister with the word of God. The bible asked us to bear one another burden. The bible says that whoever that is spiritual let him or her restore the other person in the spirit of meekness. I don't encourage sin. I felt so bad to hear what your husband is doing. I want to encourage you and ask you to take it to God in prayer. Pray and fight for his soul and not only for your marriage. Sometimes we want to see our husband or wife change or try to do it by ourselves. It's only God that can change a person. The parable of the prodigal son will be a good example here. This young man had everything as you all has provided for your husband on their arrival and only to see the dark side of the man. The prodigal son father didn't try to change him but rather he gave him what belongs to him and he wasted it and then he came to his senses. That was God there working in this young man's life at his lowest point. Then when he came home he was already changed by God. The only thing that the father did was to welcome him.

Let God change the man's heart then you will see a changed person. There are a lot of temptations here in the States for men. Lets be real.

1. How many marriages are having problems here in the States?

2. What's the rate of international marriage here in the State?

3.Why are some of the ladies turning outside the States for a genuine love and a lasting relationship?

I'm really tired now because of my work schedule. I will answer all these questions and I will begin to unmask all the fraud, lies and games in order to come to the States and get Green Card by some African men.

Is there any answer to all the difficults in marriage and inter cultural marriage? The answer is yes. God is the answer. I will write soon and help the ladies to check the man that they are trying to bring over here. I'm tired of all this bad stories from my African brothers. I'm an African born and raised in Nigeria. I have lived in almost all the parts or tribes in Nigeria. I understand my people and as a man I will give you ladies the secret keys that unlock a true love and a fake one. I will help some of you ladies to check your hearts, motives and help you come up with a real thing when dealing with any African man.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, it is my responsibility to help you ladies avoid some traps and help those who are in it to overcome every challenges or difficults and hurts.

Once again there are real people out there. My wife will never regret getting married to me. I told her the first time that I met her that she is bless. I know my heart and I am 100% committed to my wife, kids and marriage. I put God first in my life and marriage before my wife or any other thing. This is the only key that I will share today. If a man is not 100% committed to God he will not be committed to you either.

Keep your eyes out here for my coming post on this site. It's time for a godly man to stand out and defend other people that are real.

May you all abide and continue in God's Love

Yours in the Lord Blessing

Brother Francis

[southernchic 0]

I first want to say I have been very busy in this new life with a new job and a new husband and have not been posting as much as I probably should and I hope I can post a bit more especially if I can help someone in their journey.

I have been reading this post and I personally feel this is a very good post. We need to try to let the ones coming after us know not only the good but the bad also as any marriage has. I need to tell you ladies to be very careful of your personal computers and your telephones especially your cell phones. I also want to inform you that there are ways to protect yourself when you have a personal computer in your home with Internet Access. There is software on the market that can moniter your pc. If anyone wants more information about what I am talking about just pm me and I will give you details. Some telephone companies allow you to keep track of phone calls on a daily basis and AT&T is one of them. No matter how you trust your husband always take care of you first. Always try to stay one step ahead of satan and rebuke him in the name of Jesus.

We have to remember that our fiances or husbands had a life before they met us and some of these people that were in their lives will continue to be in their lives. All I am saying is to keep your eyes open and be cautious of these people that are being called cousins, sisters, extended family and aunts. If you see a lot of chatting, text messaging, and phone calls going on between your husband or fiance and a cousin ask questions. This just could not be a cousin. And no matter how close you think you are to his family just remember that it is his family not yours and they all could be in on whatever is going on. Stay in prayer my sisters and brothers and always remember that there is someone on VJ who is going through the same thing that you are so dont think or feel that you are alone.

What kind of marriage can you have if you are constantly suspicious of your spouse? I don't understand it. You are not the first to say this but to all who think that you need to watch your spouse, are you happy? Are you fulfilled in your marriage? I have never been married but I know that no man is worth it if I constantly have suspicious thoughts about him.

Sorry, but this issue is really eating at me. Did you not think about this before you got married? If you are unsure about his intentions then why not get out of the marriage?

Marriage is about love, trust, compromise and adjustment. Do you think that your spouse cannot sense these uncertainties that you have? Maybe this is what leads them to go out and do what they do.

How do you have love without trust?

So now, are all of us supposed to go out and get these spying devices, install them on our computers and cell phones and be suspicious of every little thing? I am sorry but until my man gives me a reason to mistrust him I will not. What does that say about me and my commitment to this relationship?

If you look hard enough, you will see that which isn't there.

What you fail to realize is that people marry their husband/wives believing that they are wonderful, awesome and incredible people. If you read the posts in the 'adusting" section you'll see story after story about how poeple who are wonderful overseas and come here and cut a natural fool (or were percieved to do so). I'm not saying its all the immigrants fault but obviously there are a lot os USC in states of shock. Some of it may be cultural I don't know. Either way, if you marry someone from a country where they can't come to the US on their own there is a chance that they have ulterior motives. They may be in love, yes, but at the same time they may also see their love as an opportunity for a better life for them and their entire family. It doesn't mean that ALL immigrants but there's a chance. Just like if a rich man marries there's a chance his wife may not be as willing to put up with him as he thought she would be before they got married. Its just human nature. Let's keep it real.

I am married and I am current living without trust. It didn't start out that way, For most of the time during my relationship I got to know him and trusted him. And I thought I got what he was about. Once he arrived in the US things changed. Let me be clear. Things changed because my husbant thought that I was a God fearing woman who loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him and we'd just be happy. What he didn't realize was the he'd F"D up. And maybe that's where culture comes in because in his country women don't confront their men the way they do here. Maybe in his country men get away with bad behavior. We certainly see it here in the US. So its not a stretch for a man from a male-doninated society to think that he doesn't have to be accountable even when he's wrong.

So if you want to know how someone can live without trust there you have it. The reality is that its not the end of the world. Similar things happen between USC. We will all survie. But...the issue is that ending the relationship is little bit harger BECAUSE he's an immigrant. You bring him here and you want to give it time to work. You want to feel as if you've tried to understand his culture versus personality. You realize that he WILL NEVER just leave and return home. You factor in his visa status and his future. You feel guilty asking him to leave. After all that happens, you realize that you don't wanna put up with his bs, his culture or whatever anymore. You just want YOUR LIFE back.

Every relationship is different. And I honestly believe that an international relationship COULD work. But as others have said more eloquently than me, do your homework on the front end, spend a lot of time with the SO before he moves here and keep the faith.

[Zee Bee 61]

What you fail to realize is that people marry their husband/wives believing that they are wonderful, awesome and incredible people. If you read the posts in the 'adusting" section you'll see story after story about how poeple who are wonderful overseas and come here and cut a natural fool (or were percieved to do so). I'm not saying its all the immigrants fault but obviously there are a lot os USC in states of shock. Some of it may be cultural I don't know. Either way, if you marry someone from a country where they can't come to the US on their own there is a chance that they have ulterior motives. They may be in love, yes, but at the same time they may also see their love as an opportunity for a better life for them and their entire family. It doesn't mean that ALL immigrants but there's a chance. Just like if a rich man marries there's a chance his wife may not be as willing to put up with him as he thought she would be before they got married. Its just human nature. Let's keep it real.

I am married and I am current living without trust. It didn't start out that way, For most of the time during my relationship I got to know him and trusted him. And I thought I got what he was about. Once he arrived in the US things changed. Let me be clear. Things changed because my husbant thought that I was a God fearing woman who loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him and we'd just be happy. What he didn't realize was the he'd F"D up. And maybe that's where culture comes in because in his country women don't confront their men the way they do here. Maybe in his country men get away with bad behavior. We certainly see it here in the US. So its not a stretch for a man from a male-doninated society to think that he doesn't have to be accountable even when he's wrong.

So if you want to know how someone can live without trust there you have it. The reality is that its not the end of the world. Similar things happen between USC. We will all survie. But...the issue is that ending the relationship is little bit harger BECAUSE he's an immigrant. You bring him here and you want to give it time to work. You want to feel as if you've tried to understand his culture versus personality. You realize that he WILL NEVER just leave and return home. You factor in his visa status and his future. You feel guilty asking him to leave. After all that happens, you realize that you don't wanna put up with his bs, his culture or whatever anymore. You just want YOUR LIFE back.

Every relationship is different. And I honestly believe that an international relationship COULD work. But as others have said more eloquently than me, do your homework on the front end, spend a lot of time with the SO before he moves here and keep the faith.

I see your point and I respect what you said but at the end of the day I have to wonder if all the spying, mistrust and suspision on the front end is not dooming the relationship from the beginning.

I am not going into marriage with blinders on. I know that it is not a bed of roses but I am also not going to consume myself on the off chance that he may be in it for something else.

I'm sorry maybe I am just too naive or young or something.

[Enlighten one :) 5]

What you fail to realize is that people marry their husband/wives believing that they are wonderful, awesome and incredible people. If you read the posts in the 'adjusting" section you'll see story after story about how people who are wonderful overseas and come here and cut a natural fool (or were perceived to do so). I'm not saying its all the immigrants fault but obviously there are a lot os USC in states of shock. Some of it may be cultural I don't know. Either way, if you marry someone from a country where they can't come to the US on their own there is a chance that they have ulterior motives. They may be in love, yes, but at the same time they may also see their love as an opportunity for a better life for them and their entire family. It doesn't mean that ALL immigrants but there's a chance. Just like if a rich man marries there's a chance his wife may not be as willing to put up with him as he thought she would be before they got married. Its just human nature. Let's keep it real.

I am married and I am current living without trust. It didn't start out that way, For most of the time during my relationship I got to know him and trusted him. And I thought I got what he was about. Once he arrived in the US things changed. Let me be clear. Things changed because my husband thought that I was a God fearing woman who loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him and we'd just be happy. What he didn't realize was the he'd F"D up. And maybe that's where culture comes in because in his country women don't confront their men the way they do here. Maybe in his country men get away with bad behavior. We certainly see it here in the US. So its not a stretch for a man from a male-dominated society to think that he doesn't have to be accountable even when he's wrong.

So if you want to know how someone can live without trust there you have it. The reality is that its not the end of the world. Similar things happen between USC. We will all survie. But...the issue is that ending the relationship is little bit harger BECAUSE he's an immigrant. You bring him here and you want to give it time to work. You want to feel as if you've tried to understand his culture versus personality. You realize that he WILL NEVER just leave and return home. You factor in his visa status and his future. You feel guilty asking him to leave. After all that happens, you realize that you don't wanna put up with his bs, his culture or whatever anymore. You just want YOUR LIFE back.

Every relationship is different. And I honestly believe that an international relationship COULD work. But as others have said more eloquently than me, do your homework on the front end, spend a lot of time with the SO before he moves here and keep the faith.

Exactly!!!! You can fall victim to this even in American as I did with my son's father. They are smarter then ever. They listen to everything you say and adapt their own behavior and wants to yours. You think your on the same journey till they have you in their grips. Then you start seeing the contradictions, but you do not want to believe them, because who would say so much. My son's father is a master at this. Even as I got emotionally and mentally stronger and thought I could deal with him on a parenting level, he would still suck me in. he says all the right things to prepare you for something. before I would know it I had been had again. Just when I thought I had nothing to loose, because we were only being "friends" for the benefit of our son. It was mind blowing how such intelligence could go to waste. When I realized he was doing the same thing to his son, I had to put some breaks on.

These type of men seek us out. Whether it is over the Internet or in real life. After every experience whether good or bad,you should look back to see what you have learned from it. If you blame the other person for everything, without gleaming from the experience, you will find another to do the same.

I have wasted so much time chatting with men on line from Nigeria, middle east and America. Chatting getting to know each other thinking we were both so compatible. Then when i started questioning what they did that day or what they were doing this weekend, the answers did not add up to who they were trying to portray.

For example:

I met a man on line from Nigeria living in NY. He was intelligent, hard working, cute, and funny. He was telling me that he had paid someone to marry him, but she is not following through on the paperwork. It was a mutual agreement. She never returned his calls. blah blah blah. He had brothers that he always had to send his money to because they were in college and their family has no money. So he couldn't afford to come visit me. But this was a new me that was not going down this road again. He had played hints that he wanted me to pay for his journey. When I didn't bit, he offered to come visit me. Well I can tell you that although that was a new me, I was still not whole in my spirituality and emotions. Because despite the fact that I knew he was hinting for me to pay, I still let him come.

Well we spent hours talking on the phone so things started not to make sense. Like he told me that he used to have really nice clothing when he had this other job. The guy he worked for was receiving money some from some illegal venue and the cops found out and closed his business. Now what man with brothers in college and family without money in Nigeria spends his money on nice clothing and watches going out all the time? There were other things that didn't make sense and I ended our friendship.

My Nigerian friend who fixed me up with my husband told me that he was trying to scam me. He probably never was even married he was just trying to convince me that he did not need me for the GC.

The healthier I got the less interesting the online conversations were. I have a few real friends that I still chat with, but that was because they were "real" friends.

Thats my storry and I am sticking to it. LOL

[southernchic 0]

What you fail to realize is that people marry their husband/wives believing that they are wonderful, awesome and incredible people. If you read the posts in the 'adusting" section you'll see story after story about how poeple who are wonderful overseas and come here and cut a natural fool (or were percieved to do so). I'm not saying its all the immigrants fault but obviously there are a lot os USC in states of shock. Some of it may be cultural I don't know. Either way, if you marry someone from a country where they can't come to the US on their own there is a chance that they have ulterior motives. They may be in love, yes, but at the same time they may also see their love as an opportunity for a better life for them and their entire family. It doesn't mean that ALL immigrants but there's a chance. Just like if a rich man marries there's a chance his wife may not be as willing to put up with him as he thought she would be before they got married. Its just human nature. Let's keep it real.

I am married and I am current living without trust. It didn't start out that way, For most of the time during my relationship I got to know him and trusted him. And I thought I got what he was about. Once he arrived in the US things changed. Let me be clear. Things changed because my husbant thought that I was a God fearing woman who loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him and we'd just be happy. What he didn't realize was the he'd F"D up. And maybe that's where culture comes in because in his country women don't confront their men the way they do here. Maybe in his country men get away with bad behavior. We certainly see it here in the US. So its not a stretch for a man from a male-doninated society to think that he doesn't have to be accountable even when he's wrong.

So if you want to know how someone can live without trust there you have it. The reality is that its not the end of the world. Similar things happen between USC. We will all survie. But...the issue is that ending the relationship is little bit harger BECAUSE he's an immigrant. You bring him here and you want to give it time to work. You want to feel as if you've tried to understand his culture versus personality. You realize that he WILL NEVER just leave and return home. You factor in his visa status and his future. You feel guilty asking him to leave. After all that happens, you realize that you don't wanna put up with his bs, his culture or whatever anymore. You just want YOUR LIFE back.

Every relationship is different. And I honestly believe that an international relationship COULD work. But as others have said more eloquently than me, do your homework on the front end, spend a lot of time with the SO before he moves here and keep the faith.

I see your point and I respect what you said but at the end of the day I have to wonder if all the spying, mistrust and suspision on the front end is not dooming the relationship from the beginning.

I am not going into marriage with blinders on. I know that it is not a bed of roses but I am also not going to consume myself on the off chance that he may be in it for something else.

I'm sorry maybe I am just too naive or young or something.

I never spied on my husband until he gave me a reason to and that was only after he moved here. i will keep saying over and over again. We ALL have to do what we need to do. Fall in love. Get married. Take a risk. That's what life is all about. When I was getting to know my husband it was an exciting experience. With each email he sent to me, I was thrilled. I looked forward to it. No one can take that away from me. It is better to be in the game of love -- even if you fail -- than to sit on the sidelines with your arms folded complaining that there aren't any good men out there. That's why we are all here. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

Best wishes,

[*JG* 2]

I first want to say I have been very busy in this new life with a new job and a new husband and have not been posting as much as I probably should and I hope I can post a bit more especially if I can help someone in their journey.

I have been reading this post and I personally feel this is a very good post. We need to try to let the ones coming after us know not only the good but the bad also as any marriage has. I need to tell you ladies to be very careful of your personal computers and your telephones especially your cell phones. I also want to inform you that there are ways to protect yourself when you have a personal computer in your home with Internet Access. There is software on the market that can moniter your pc. If anyone wants more information about what I am talking about just pm me and I will give you details. Some telephone companies allow you to keep track of phone calls on a daily basis and AT&T is one of them. No matter how you trust your husband always take care of you first. Always try to stay one step ahead of satan and rebuke him in the name of Jesus.

We have to remember that our fiances or husbands had a life before they met us and some of these people that were in their lives will continue to be in their lives. All I am saying is to keep your eyes open and be cautious of these people that are being called cousins, sisters, extended family and aunts. If you see a lot of chatting, text messaging, and phone calls going on between your husband or fiance and a cousin ask questions. This just could not be a cousin. And no matter how close you think you are to his family just remember that it is his family not yours and they all could be in on whatever is going on. Stay in prayer my sisters and brothers and always remember that there is someone on VJ who is going through the same thing that you are so dont think or feel that you are alone.

This is so true. While I have not had these issues with my husband, I have personally known people who have.