Being real about marriage!!!

[southernchic 0]

Southernchic I wish you both the best and hope you can overcome your troubles and that he will realize his mistakes.

You had an interesting cultural adjustment thread some time ago, last year maybe, it was so funny. I should look for it.

Thanks for being real.

Thanks for your kind response. Everything will be okay in time. At this point, all I want to do is to get my life back and start rebuilding my future. I just want it to be over.

[taurean 0]

This is a great thread, and very informative! So many have people have been candid about their experiences in intercultural marriages, and I for one really appreciate it. So thanks ladies! I don't really have much to add, as so many good things have already been said. All I can say is being real is so neccesary in marriage whether it's an intercultural one or not. I was talking to a friend about this sometime ago, but I think we as women tend not to be honest about the realites of marriage. We want to paint the best picture possible. However, being real about the issues that come up, is a much better teaching method IMO.

Southernchic: I am really sorry to hear about your situation. After following your story over the time I've been a VJ member, I was really pulling for you behind the scenes. Hopefully you'll be successful in getting your life back as you say. Thanks to you in particular for sharing your experience. All the best to you.

[francis 0]

Hi Ladies,

I enjoyed reading all the things that was posted here. Firstly, let me encourage my sister with the word of God. The bible asked us to bear one another burden. The bible says that whoever that is spiritual let him or her restore the other person in the spirit of meekness. I don't encourage sin. I felt so bad to hear what your husband is doing. I want to encourage you and ask you to take it to God in prayer. Pray and fight for his soul and not only for your marriage. Sometimes we want to see our husband or wife change or try to do it by ourselves. It's only God that can change a person. The parable of the prodigal son will be a good example here. This young man had everything as you all has provided for your husband on their arrival and only to see the dark side of the man. The prodigal son father didn't try to change him but rather he gave him what belongs to him and he wasted it and then he came to his senses. That was God there working in this young man's life at his lowest point. Then when he came home he was already changed by God. The only thing that the father did was to welcome him.

Let God change the man's heart then you will see a changed person. There are a lot of temptations here in the States for men. Lets be real.

1. How many marriages are having problems here in the States?

2. What's the rate of international marriage here in the State?

3.Why are some of the ladies turning outside the States for a genuine love and a lasting relationship?

I'm really tired now because of my work schedule. I will answer all these questions and I will begin to unmask all the fraud, lies and games in order to come to the States and get Green Card by some African men.

Is there any answer to all the difficults in marriage and inter cultural marriage? The answer is yes. God is the answer. I will write soon and help the ladies to check the man that they are trying to bring over here. I'm tired of all this bad stories from my African brothers. I'm an African born and raised in Nigeria. I have lived in almost all the parts or tribes in Nigeria. I understand my people and as a man I will give you ladies the secret keys that unlock a true love and a fake one. I will help some of you ladies to check your hearts, motives and help you come up with a real thing when dealing with any African man.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, it is my responsibility to help you ladies avoid some traps and help those who are in it to overcome every challenges or difficults and hurts.

Once again there are real people out there. My wife will never regret getting married to me. I told her the first time that I met her that she is bless. I know my heart and I am 100% committed to my wife, kids and marriage. I put God first in my life and marriage before my wife or any other thing. This is the only key that I will share today. If a man is not 100% committed to God he will not be committed to you either.

Keep your eyes out here for my coming post on this site. It's time for a godly man to stand out and defend other people that are real.

May you all abide and continue in God's Love

Yours in the Lord Blessing

Brother Francis

[Osakeme 0]

God bless you brother.......

As an African/Nigerian female it breaks my heart to hear of all the hurts done in the name of fake love.

I know it happens to women of all races, ages and backgrounds........ I bless God for men like you that put God first in all. I also appriciate that you mention praying for our parnters soul... cause in the end thats really what needs salvation. I will look out for you post and I pray that you are encouraged in all you do.

Although I am not married at this time I have a wealth of knowledge from the experiences of my mother., stepmother, aunties and friends......... I always tell my single friends that have the desire to be married to let the man find them. I have no grand expectations, but I am willing to serve my man through everything so help me God.......... Now you have to know that before I can say that, I know that I am not giving up too much for what I have. I took the advice I was given which was "Make sure he will always love you more that you love him" the amazing thing is that this is also bibically based...... A man should love his wife and A woman should respect her husband.

[BESANGIN 0]

Now Ya'll know I was not going to let this one get away without adding my two cents in. Well, more like 15.00 dollars worth. The bottom line is, God is involved in the whole process already!!!! He gives us the minds and the good sense to discern things for ourselves. He gives us a heart to love and the free choice to choose, but truth be told we as women lead with our hearts. Yeah it goes good and they say all the right things and because of that we convince ourselves that hmmmmm, I think I might found a good one. Then we move on to the test stage where we want to know if he's a cheater, does he like kids, does he love God, and so forth and so on. When we hear the answers we want to hear we start to let down our guard. At that point we base off what we hear, what we saw for the brief moments we spent with our men and we decide yes, he's the one. Not that "he's the one I want to go further with so I got to really get to know him", but "oh he told me this, and I saw that and his friends and family said he was this." So now we have validation that he's a good man. But where we go wrong ladies is that we let that love bug take our A$$e$ OUT!! We stop being the reasonable intelligent women that we are, and we say, "It's going to be all good when he gets home!" But the truth of the matter is we didn't take the time to REALLY get to know them. HOW CAN WE??!!!!!! My therapist, and yes I needed some serious therapy behind my experince not just after the collision but before to help me to really understand and deal with our differences. Believe me had I not, I would be fighting Big Jane for my time to post this to you on the computer from prison because I would have gone straight GHETTO, TERMINATOR, BEOCH on his A$$. So moving right along. He said to me very quietly, Sonya did you really get to know Michael before you married him? Did you know and see his work ethic, did you see how he managed his money, did you see how he dealt or did he talk about his past relationships. Do you know where the boy went to kindergarten? Like a complete dummy answering honestly, I had to say no to all the above. I am not talking about what he told me and what I saw the little time I was in my EX spouses country with him, but on a long term bases that I could say that this man may have some issues but I know he is this. Couldn't do it. The time I was there I didn't want to spend that time arguing and trying to get to know his demons, 'cause we know we all got a dark side to us. so if we had a disagreement we didn't resolve it 'cause I had to get to the DING DING so I could be filled up while we waited for the visa to be approved. Am I strikin' a nerve yet? It ain't no steretype that they they are uh hum..... GIFTED in that department, and I know ya'll feel me! You do not have to live with a person to find out what and who they are made of, but getting to know someone takes time PERIOD!!!!!!! And THAT is where we go wrong. So saying its all his fault not true. We help to create our situations by not truly trusting in God. I mean that we want that good married life so bad that we step in and help things along instead of truly letting it be in God's time. Hate me or love, here or abroad, we have to let our men be men in all seasons and quit feeling guilty for expecting them to be the men of God they claim to be, because God's standard calls them higher than what we as mortal women want so no need to feel guilty, That is if your foundation is based in the bible. If your faith is something else I cannot speak to that. You know what works for you.

Now if you know the people that you are marrying or intending to marry, then everything else will be water under the bridge because if you have taken the time to know the person good and bad then at that point you make your decision on if this is your ever after. If it is not, walk away, and if it is then you got some work ahead of you 'cause no one is perfect, but you got what you want. Now if you jump into something and you find out later it wasn't what you subscribed to, then you got what you wanted because you thought you knew everything there is to know. If you are a commited person then you try to see it through til there is nothing left to even hope for, but if you are a quiter you just leave it, you move on to the next situation without having dealt with the first. A sure recipe to repeat the mistake.

When we fall in love and for a while we see no wrong in our loves. Even their POOP smells like roses and we love them. But you need more than love and a good feeling, 'cause when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and the light is out and you sit on the toilet and that seat is up, AND he done pee'd on it, you AIN't gonna be loving his A$$ right then and there. That's when that foundation comes in, you remember that this man stayed up with you all night when you were cramping and rubbed your back. He cuts the grass and takes out the trash without you telling him.... thats when sitting in cold pee is not so bad. I don't want to discourage the new wives and fiancees just be strong and handle your business. At this point you can't comprehend anything but your love for your spouse,and for the most part that is good, because love brought you here in the first place, and those of us who have experienced an unhappy outcome cannot expect you to see what we see because you have not traveled that road ,and I pray that none of you have to, and if you trust God and the smarts that He gave you you will not. Its ok from time to time to get your head out of the clouds and just take a look around earth for a minute. Even moreso if you have children because if you make a mistake they will suffer too. I love children and hate to see them hurt! So take care of them!

Now to address one more issue and I will let you tear my post apart. Don't be naive in thinking that international relationships are no different than American one because they ARE!!! Yes men will be men no matter what, but there are way more cicumstances that come with pursuing one. Now, from what I can gather from the posts that I have read, the MAJORITY of the women here are intelligent and savvy, and if you would not allow and american man to lay up on you while you go to work and he has the ability to work, and if you require him to be a man and support your (in this day and age both have to work) family then why would it be ok for a foreign spouse to do that? Yes we have no choice in the beginning, but there should be no excuses when he can. So financially we are not going to put up the finances for a man already here like we do for our foreign SO. So yes there is a difference.

Lastly I leave you with this, when your man comes home and you find yourself asking, "What the HELL did customs do with my husband they replaced him with an imposter?" And you ask that question often because it feels like you are living with a stranger in your home, then NO, my sister you, did NOT get to know that man like you think. Things that you saw in him and he told you should not be a night and day difference when he is here. People just don't get BI POLAR Disorder, no offense if you struggle with that. All I say is Know him NOW or suffer later and suffer you will. Not saying you won't succeed, but the odds are not in our favor in any relationship foreign or domestic. But anything worth having is worth the work, just make sure you know what you can and cannot invest emotionally and financially. God first, your spouse second, and yourself last. AND GET TO KNOW HIM ON ALLL LEVELS!!!! That's ALL FOLKS!!!!

[HBO 0]

Besangin again you had me in tears. Hilarious but real. Nothing like a glass of wine and Besangin post. What a night?

Happy Holidays Everyone.

[BESANGIN 0]

Besangin again you had me in tears. Hilarious but real. Nothing like a glass of wine and Besangin post. What a night?

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Girl you know I'm tellin' the truth, and folks may hate on me but they know I'm tellin' the truth too! Even about the DING DING!!!! OOOOOOO It's getting HOT in here!!!!!!!

Did -I- say- that?

[ForeverAmen 0]

Besangin again you had me in tears. Hilarious but real. Nothing like a glass of wine and Besangin post. What a night?

Happy Holidays Everyone.

[onwa 6]

Besangin again you had me in tears. Hilarious but real. Nothing like a glass of wine and Besangin post. What a night?

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Girl you know I'm tellin' the truth, and folks may hate on me but they know I'm tellin' the truth too! Even about the DING DING!!!! OOOOOOO It's getting HOT in here!!!!!!!

Did -I- say- that?

[Ta Ta 1]

Besangin again you had me in tears. Hilarious but real. Nothing like a glass of wine and Besangin post. What a night?

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Girl you know I'm tellin' the truth, and folks may hate on me but they know I'm tellin' the truth too! Even about the DING DING!!!! OOOOOOO It's getting HOT in here!!!!!!!

Did -I- say- that?

I love that man....preach it !

Besangin I agree with most.

Brother Francis, your post as an African man was refreshing and I agree with you. I will be looking forward to read more from you.

[BESANGIN 0]

Besangin again you had me in tears. Hilarious but real. Nothing like a glass of wine and Besangin post. What a night?

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Girl you know I'm tellin' the truth, and folks may hate on me but they know I'm tellin' the truth too! Even about the DING DING!!!! OOOOOOO It's getting HOT in here!!!!!!!

Did -I- say- that?

I love that man....preach it !

Besangin I agree with most.

Brother Francis, your post as an African man was refreshing and I agree with you. I will be looking forward to read more from you.

Now that was funny!!!!! I too respect what Francis had to say and will say as an African man and a disciple, but again he can give only input as a man giving the point of view of a man namely an African man. He does not walk in the shoes of a woman. What I am bringing to the table is that we as women need to quit leading with our hearts in these situations and be smart. We need to take responsibility for that and not say poor me poor me when things go wrong. Believe me we say in the end, I wish I had listened or I wish I had done that differently. But when we in love we become a bunch of Helen Kellers and we ain't hearing or seeing nothing 100% clearly. If you do (see clearly always), you could be a hellified millionaire if you sold your secrets to the rest of us dummies!!!

[blah0323 0]

Hi Ladies,

I enjoyed reading all the things that was posted here. Firstly, let me encourage my sister with the word of God. The bible asked us to bear one another burden. The bible says that whoever that is spiritual let him or her restore the other person in the spirit of meekness. I don't encourage sin. I felt so bad to hear what your husband is doing. I want to encourage you and ask you to take it to God in prayer. Pray and fight for his soul and not only for your marriage. Sometimes we want to see our husband or wife change or try to do it by ourselves. It's only God that can change a person. The parable of the prodigal son will be a good example here. This young man had everything as you all has provided for your husband on their arrival and only to see the dark side of the man. The prodigal son father didn't try to change him but rather he gave him what belongs to him and he wasted it and then he came to his senses. That was God there working in this young man's life at his lowest point. Then when he came home he was already changed by God. The only thing that the father did was to welcome him.

Let God change the man's heart then you will see a changed person. There are a lot of temptations here in the States for men. Lets be real.

1. How many marriages are having problems here in the States?

2. What's the rate of international marriage here in the State?

3.Why are some of the ladies turning outside the States for a genuine love and a lasting relationship?

I'm really tired now because of my work schedule. I will answer all these questions and I will begin to unmask all the fraud, lies and games in order to come to the States and get Green Card by some African men.

Is there any answer to all the difficults in marriage and inter cultural marriage? The answer is yes. God is the answer. I will write soon and help the ladies to check the man that they are trying to bring over here. I'm tired of all this bad stories from my African brothers. I'm an African born and raised in Nigeria. I have lived in almost all the parts or tribes in Nigeria. I understand my people and as a man I will give you ladies the secret keys that unlock a true love and a fake one. I will help some of you ladies to check your hearts, motives and help you come up with a real thing when dealing with any African man.

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, it is my responsibility to help you ladies avoid some traps and help those who are in it to overcome every challenges or difficults and hurts.

Once again there are real people out there. My wife will never regret getting married to me. I told her the first time that I met her that she is bless. I know my heart and I am 100% committed to my wife, kids and marriage. I put God first in my life and marriage before my wife or any other thing. This is the only key that I will share today. If a man is not 100% committed to God he will not be committed to you either.

Keep your eyes out here for my coming post on this site. It's time for a godly man to stand out and defend other people that are real.

May you all abide and continue in God's Love

Yours in the Lord Blessing

Brother Francis

I will patiently wait to hear what you have to say. And your right about praying for their souls. Thanks for the reminder.

[His Glory 25]

Francis, I look forward to your post. Thank you for being contructive and being a gentleman. I know a lady who claimed her husband married her for a green card and told this sad sad story on how he used her. But the real story was that he stayed with her for 12 years and supported her and her kids from a pervious marriage. Every time they had disagreements her teenage boys would threaten to beat him up. He finally had enough and left. Its good to get an African mans perspective. Especially one who is a man of God, which is the only kind of man to marry, because they come endorsed

[Ta Ta 1]

The reason I like to hear a godly mans perspective is to learn how to be a better partner to my man.

I believe we have to be lead by the Holy Spirit and be wise when making our choice in who we want to spend the rest of our life with.

Not by our emotions. If both submit to God then all obstacles can be overcome.

It does take two to tango though.

If one partner does not want to flow with God's will then there is a problem.

Like the saying goes : God said you invited me to the wedding now invite me into the marriage.

Abiding in Him constantly is a must for my fiance and I.

[Ta Ta 1]

Francis, I look forward to your post. Thank you for being contructive and being a gentleman. I know a lady who claimed her husband married her for a green card and told this sad sad story on how he used her. But the real story was that he stayed with her for 12 years and supported her and her kids from a pervious marriage. Every time they had disagreements her teenage boys would threaten to beat him up. He finally had enough and left. Its good to get an African mans perspective. Especially one who is a man of God, which is the only kind of man to marry, because they come endorsed

Endorsed, sealed , stamped and delivered