Being real about marriage!!!

[Zee Bee 61]

A lot of times we write on these boards about the culture shock of the foreign SO coming here and adjusting to American culture but I also think that the USC has to adjust to the culture shock of having their SO here. I think it is so much more than finding an ethnic store in the area for them to shop at.....hmm, maybe I should start a thread

We all get so swept up in the fantasy of someone who loves us from half a world away, who we are fighting to get here and once they land on American soil all our problems are going to go away and we will live the American dream. And then they get here and reality hits us like a steamroller.

Southernchic, you bring up a good point about trust and culture. IMHO, I don't think that living together for any length of time will fix any issues unless both parties make adjustments to accomodate each other. To me, and I am no expert, the actions of your husband seem to be influenced by his character and his culture. As for the comment about the beating I cannot say that I am surprised, not saying that is is right, but I am not surprised. Unfortunately it is a reaction that is all too common in too many parts of Africa.

Boaz, thank you for sharing the tip on not spoiling your SO

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

What I"m about to say isn't going to settle well with people but I'm going to put it out there. I wouldn't advise ANY WOMAN who is dealing with a man from a traditional overseas culture to trust that person 100% until they've lived together for a while. I say this ONLY out of concern and as a point of caution.

When I read the posts it reminds me of how I felt before my husband arrived. I thought that he was the sweetest, nicest and kindest man I'd ever met. Why? Because that's how he presented himself. But since he's lived in the US its been a different story. Don't get me wrong. His personality is very sweet but there's a very dark side. He's not physically abusive. HOWEVER, I swear to God I am finding contriditions and constant dishonesty in him all the time. Anything he does that is wrong he will argue with me for a half hour to justify that it is right. For example, he STOLE a piece of mail addressed to me. I found it. He took it from my purse twice. When I confronted him he tried to make it seem as if he didn't do anything wrong.

Just yesterday where he expressed frustration when he thought I was being unfaithful (which I was not), essentially he said that if we were in his country he would have beaten me. I was shocked. Never in a million years did I imagine that my sweet, gentle husband would even think of commiting such an act. But he said that he was serious. We'd talked about this issue a few times before he came to the US and every time he said..."oh no I could never hurt anyone." I swear this is just one of many examples that the person I talked to online and on the phone for TWO years was a fake.

I don't say this to discourage anyone from finding love. Follow your heart. Do what you have to do to be happy. But please, ladies, don't give away ALL your trust to someone who hasn't proven themselves. There is a such thing as having different levels of trust in a relationship. Please make your husbands/fiance's EARN your full trust once they move here. Its easy for a man to say, "i'm honest. I'm nice. I"m going to support you." when they live thousands of miles away.

I don't say this to be negative. Just a word of caution.

Thank you for sharing your story. I do love and trust my fiance completely. I wouldn't marry him if I didn't and I don't believe in living with a man I am not married to. I do realize that love is a chance, but it's one I'm willing to take. I hope that you and your husband are able to work through your problems. It sounds like you are struggling with adjusting to being together and I hope you find balance. I remember reading on VJ of a woman who really had to step back and realize how traumatic this was for her husband and that moving and leaving everything he knew behind was beginning to change who he was as a person. There is so much to think about in combining two lives into one union and it's more complicated when there is an international move involved and even more complicated when there is a move from a third world country to a first world country. It's hard to imagine how much you have both gone through. I wish you the best of luck and hope that things get better and your relationship takes a positive turn.

[ForeverAmen 0]

What I"m about to say isn't going to settle well with people but I'm going to put it out there. I wouldn't advise ANY WOMAN who is dealing with a man from a traditional overseas culture to trust that person 100% until they've lived together for a while. I say this ONLY out of concern and as a point of caution.

When I read the posts it reminds me of how I felt before my husband arrived. I thought that he was the sweetest, nicest and kindest man I'd ever met. Why? Because that's how he presented himself. But since he's lived in the US its been a different story. Don't get me wrong. His personality is very sweet but there's a very dark side. He's not physically abusive. HOWEVER, I swear to God I am finding contriditions and constant dishonesty in him all the time. Anything he does that is wrong he will argue with me for a half hour to justify that it is right. For example, he STOLE a piece of mail addressed to me. I found it. He took it from my purse twice. When I confronted him he tried to make it seem as if he didn't do anything wrong.

Just yesterday where he expressed frustration when he thought I was being unfaithful (which I was not), essentially he said that if we were in his country he would have beaten me. I was shocked. Never in a million years did I imagine that my sweet, gentle husband would even think of commiting such an act. But he said that he was serious. We'd talked about this issue a few times before he came to the US and every time he said..."oh no I could never hurt anyone." I swear this is just one of many examples that the person I talked to online and on the phone for TWO years was a fake.

I don't say this to discourage anyone from finding love. Follow your heart. Do what you have to do to be happy. But please, ladies, don't give away ALL your trust to someone who hasn't proven themselves. There is a such thing as having different levels of trust in a relationship. Please make your husbands/fiance's EARN your full trust once they move here. Its easy for a man to say, "i'm honest. I'm nice. I"m going to support you." when they live thousands of miles away.

I don't say this to be negative. Just a word of caution.

Southernchic,

Speaking for myself ...... I do not take what you've said personally. It's things like this I believe needs to be expressed. My husband have been in the USA for almost two years. The past two years have not been the easiest. However, so far (in my case) it has been worth every twist and turn. In my case I must say that most of the issues probably lies with me .... not trusting, always taking a second glance, and questioning just about eveything. This is not always good, but all things considered I must 'keep my 3rd eye open'. Fortunately, my husband is very patient and understanding. So far so good ...... but I like what you said also - "don't give ALL your trust to someone who has not proven themselves."

For yourself, and others in similar situations I wish you the best.

Pray without ceasing.

Boaz

[Ta Ta 1]

I am wondering why one should withhold trust and not give it their all in a relationship. I agree that trust is earned but there must come a point in time where you are no longer suspicious and always looking for something. That point should be when you decide to commit to a life together.

Personally, I don't like sharing a life together with one eye always suspiciously open. It kind of shows insecurities. Constant suspicion

disrespects him IF there is nothing to be alarmed about. I am not talking about a marriage in deep trouble here but a healthy one.

That is what the time of getting to know someone is for. Study the culture so you know what is culture and what is personality.

If dishonesty comes constantly into play then that is a deal breaker and serious reevaluation of the relationship would be needed.

OK, so you trust 100% and are happy and then things don't work out......well, what is so bad having trusted and given your all ?

You have done all you could and if the marriage doesn't work out you act like the strong woman that you are and pick yourself up and go on.

I have.

I rather trust completely, give it my all and then face trouble head on than living in constant suspicion.

If it's not working its not working but my point is trust while it is working.

Constant suspicion is a form of disrespect to your mate. Unless you have a good reason to be.

We are all at different levels in the relationship but I am also speaking from experience having gone through a marriage before that failed.

It is my advice to trust once committed to propel yourselves forward.

I had a b/f once that was always suspicious of me for absolutely no reason. I left him, I felt he didn't understand who I was and that we could not move forward as his lack of trust disrespected my intentions.

[Ta Ta 1]

Southernchic I wish you both the best and hope you can overcome your troubles and that he will realize his mistakes.

You had an interesting cultural adjustment thread some time ago, last year maybe, it was so funny. I should look for it.

Thanks for being real.

[southernchic 0]

I am wondering why one should withhold trust and not give it their all in a relationship. I agree that trust is earned but there must come a point in time where you are no longer suspicious and always looking for something. That point should be when you decide to commit to a life together.

Personally, I don't like sharing a life together with one eye always suspiciously open. It kind of shows insecurities. Constant suspicion

disrespects him IF there is nothing to be alarmed about. I am not talking about a marriage in deep trouble here but a healthy one.

That is what the time of getting to know someone is for. Study the culture so you know what is culture and what is personality.

If dishonesty comes constantly into play then that is a deal breaker and serious reevaluation of the relationship would be needed.

OK, so you trust 100% and are happy and then things don't work out......well, what is so bad having trusted and given your all ?

You have done all you could and if the marriage doesn't work out you act like the strong woman that you are and pick yourself up and go on.

I have.

I rather trust completely, give it my all and then face trouble head on than living in constant suspicion.

If it's not working its not working but my point is trust while it is working.

Constant suspicion is a form of disrespect to your mate. Unless you have a good reason to be.

We are all at different levels in the relationship but I am also speaking from experience having gone through a marriage before that failed.

It is my advice to trust once committed to propel yourselves forward.

I had a b/f once that was always suspicious of me for absolutely no reason. I left him, I felt he didn't understand who I was and that we could not m.ve forward as his lack of trust disrespected my intentions.

I respect your view point. But in my honest opinion one can't possibly get to know someone 100% when they don't live in the same country. My problem wasn't that I didn't trust my husband. The problem was that I trusted him, took a risk and but began to see that he wasn't trustworthy once he arrived in the US. His problem was that he thought I loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him no matter what he did.

Once I saw that he was shady I began to get suspicious and it was ONLY then that I began to discover little things that he'd lied about or hidden from me. Even when I begged and pleaded for him to change and take responsibility, it continued and still does to this day. Am I happy that i had my guard up and didn't just jump in 100%. ABSOLUTELY. Otherwise, I'd have a child in the middle of a really messed up situation.

[Ta Ta 1]

I am wondering why one should withhold trust and not give it their all in a relationship. I agree that trust is earned but there must come a point in time where you are no longer suspicious and always looking for something. That point should be when you decide to commit to a life together.

Personally, I don't like sharing a life together with one eye always suspiciously open. It kind of shows insecurities. Constant suspicion

disrespects him IF there is nothing to be alarmed about. I am not talking about a marriage in deep trouble here but a healthy one.

That is what the time of getting to know someone is for. Study the culture so you know what is culture and what is personality.

If dishonesty comes constantly into play then that is a deal breaker and serious reevaluation of the relationship would be needed.

OK, so you trust 100% and are happy and then things don't work out......well, what is so bad having trusted and given your all ?

You have done all you could and if the marriage doesn't work out you act like the strong woman that you are and pick yourself up and go on.

I have.

I rather trust completely, give it my all and then face trouble head on than living in constant suspicion.

If it's not working its not working but my point is trust while it is working.

Constant suspicion is a form of disrespect to your mate. Unless you have a good reason to be.

We are all at different levels in the relationship but I am also speaking from experience having gone through a marriage before that failed.

It is my advice to trust once committed to propel yourselves forward.

I had a b/f once that was always suspicious of me for absolutely no reason. I left him, I felt he didn't understand who I was and that we could not m.ve forward as his lack of trust disrespected my intentions.

I respect your view point. But in my honest opinion one can't possibly get to know someone 100% when they don't live in the same country. My problem wasn't that I didn't trust my husband. The problem was that I trusted him, took a risk and but began to see that he wasn't trustworthy once he arrived in the US. His problem was that he thought I loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him no matter what he did.

Once I saw that he was shady I began to get suspicious and it was ONLY then that I began to discover little things that he'd lied about or hidden from me. Even when I begged and pleaded for him to change and take responsibility, it continued and still does to this day. Am I happy that i had my guard up and didn't just jump in 100%. ABSOLUTELY. Otherwise, I'd have a child in the middle of a really messed up situation.

I understand what you are saying. Our viewpoints are not that different. Our trust level differs and each has to find their own according

to our different experiences, gut feeling, and faith. I still chose to trust until I find reason to question.

It is wise to hold off on having children until you have been together for a while in any new relationship.

[Ta Ta 1]

My post was mainly to encourage woman in new relationships to not take mistrust to a level where it interferes with growing together.

I pointed out that I was talking about a healthy relationship where no chronic dishonesty has been discovered.

I see some people always worry if he is ' in for the green card ' when there are no signs of that, that to me is not healthy.

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

I respect your view point. But in my honest opinion one can't possibly get to know someone 100% when they don't live in the same country. My problem wasn't that I didn't trust my husband. The problem was that I trusted him, took a risk and but began to see that he wasn't trustworthy once he arrived in the US. His problem was that he thought I loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him no matter what he did.

Once I saw that he was shady I began to get suspicious and it was ONLY then that I began to discover little things that he'd lied about or hidden from me. Even when I begged and pleaded for him to change and take responsibility, it continued and still does to this day. Am I happy that i had my guard up and didn't just jump in 100%. ABSOLUTELY. Otherwise, I'd have a child in the middle of a really messed up situation.

You will never know 100% about anyone. Probably not even yourself. That's doesn't mean you can't know enough about them to trust them. And when your relationship is healthy you are always learning more things about them and yourself even as you both keep changing. Again, I would say, this is not about living in a different country. I actually found out my ex was moving debt into my name and had to take out a police report for identity fraud against him while we were still married. We were in the same house and I didn't know he was doing something so completely crazy. We met and married here in the US. We dated for 3 years before marrying. We were married for 7 years. People change and sometimes love goes sour and it hurts sooooooo bad. But going into a relationship looking for a problem, causes a problem and a splinter in the relationship that can grown into a big chasm that destroys the relationship. The only thing you have control over is yourself. If you go into relationships that end the same way, repeatedly, then check yourself so that you can make changes and have a happier life. You can't change the man....GOD KNOWS you can't change the man.

[Ta Ta 1]

I respect your view point. But in my honest opinion one can't possibly get to know someone 100% when they don't live in the same country. My problem wasn't that I didn't trust my husband. The problem was that I trusted him, took a risk and but began to see that he wasn't trustworthy once he arrived in the US. His problem was that he thought I loved him soooo much that I'd forgive him no matter what he did.

Once I saw that he was shady I began to get suspicious and it was ONLY then that I began to discover little things that he'd lied about or hidden from me. Even when I begged and pleaded for him to change and take responsibility, it continued and still does to this day. Am I happy that i had my guard up and didn't just jump in 100%. ABSOLUTELY. Otherwise, I'd have a child in the middle of a really messed up situation.

You will never know 100% about anyone. Probably not even yourself. That's doesn't mean you can't know enough about them to trust them. And when your relationship is healthy you are always learning more things about them and yourself even as you both keep changing. Again, I would say, this is not about living in a different country. I actually found out my ex was moving debt into my name and had to take out a police report for identity fraud against him while we were still married. We were in the same house and I didn't know he was doing something so completely crazy. We met and married here in the US. We dated for 3 years before marrying. We were married for 7 years. People change and sometimes love goes sour and it hurts sooooooo bad. But going into a relationship looking for a problem, causes a problem and a splinter in the relationship that can grown into a big chasm that destroys the relationship. The only thing you have control over is yourself. If you go into relationships that end the same way, repeatedly, then check yourself so that you can make changes and have a happier life. You can't change the man....GOD KNOWS you can't change the man.

Well said. Don't get me started on my USC ex. Forgotten, forgiven and glad I gave it my 100%. It's over. I moved on and trusting again.

Life goes on.

[ForeverAmen 0]

I am wondering why one should withhold trust and not give it their all in a relationship. I agree that trust is earned but there must come a point in time where you are no longer suspicious and always looking for something. That point should be when you decide to commit to a life together.

Personally, I don't like sharing a life together with one eye always suspiciously open. It kind of shows insecurities. Constant suspicion

disrespects him IF there is nothing to be alarmed about. I am not talking about a marriage in deep trouble here but a healthy one.

That is what the time of getting to know someone is for. Study the culture so you know what is culture and what is personality.

If dishonesty comes constantly into play then that is a deal breaker and serious reevaluation of the relationship would be needed.

OK, so you trust 100% and are happy and then things don't work out......well, what is so bad having trusted and given your all ?

You have done all you could and if the marriage doesn't work out you act like the strong woman that you are and pick yourself up and go on.

I have.

I rather trust completely, give it my all and then face trouble head on than living in constant suspicion.

If it's not working its not working but my point is trust while it is working.

Constant suspicion is a form of disrespect to your mate. Unless you have a good reason to be.

We are all at different levels in the relationship but I am also speaking from experience having gone through a marriage before that failed.

It is my advice to trust once committed to propel yourselves forward.

I had a b/f once that was always suspicious of me for absolutely no reason. I left him, I felt he didn't understand who I was and that we could not move forward as his lack of trust disrespected my intentions.

I agree with a lot of what you've said. In my personal case I have always been the type to always 'keep an eye open.' To me it has worked, and continues to work. Perhaps it does show some type of insecurity, but I'd rather be a little proactive than reactive. Of course there is always the fine line because you don't want to push a good thing away. Nevertheless, it often amazes me how sometimes we walk into a pit with our eyes wide open (been there done that). Again - this is how it works best for me. By no means am I suggesting it for everyone.

My post was mainly to encourage woman in new relationships to not take mistrust to a level where it interferes with growing together.

I pointed out that I was talking about a healthy relationship where no chronic dishonesty has been discovered.

I see some people always worry if he is ' in for the green card ' when there are no signs of that, that to me is not healthy.

Good point.

[His Glory 25]

My post was mainly to encourage woman in new relationships to not take mistrust to a level where it interferes with growing together.

I pointed out that I was talking about a healthy relationship where no chronic dishonesty has been discovered.

I see some people always worry if he is ' in for the green card ' when there are no signs of that, that to me is not healthy.

My husband is excited to live in the US. I can imagine why, I have visited Ghana, although beautiful the standard of living is not the same. Even in the schools the US is made out to be so wonderful and as they head to the university they can be encouraged to leave to make a living after graduating. So its no surprise that many want to come. Thats been going on since Ellis Island but that doesnt mean our spouses will sell their integrity and their standing before God to get here. In our case we know the worst case scenrio is that they prevent him from coming but that doesnt mean they prevent us from being together. We knew there was a chance that I would have to live in Ghana. We are prepared mentally for that. I agree with Omoba here. Sometimes there are no signs but the ones we make up only out of misintrepatation and doubt in ourselves. Im excited for my husband, its going to be so new and thrilling for him for a while and because of that it will be new and exciting for me too. I share in his excitement and do not doubt that he is in it for the marriage. But that doesnt mean that I didnt put my husband through the ringer for awhile in the beginning. We have known each other for 3 years before we got married, 3 crazy years . During courtship that is the time to lay the cards on the table. If you are bringing it up and have doubts during yr marriage then maybe you didnt get to know them very well in the beginning. Now its just adding stress to an already hard situations. Whats the worst that can happen? You get duped and hurt beyond words, but wont you feel that anyways no matter where you are in yr relationship? You have already invested what could be damaged the most, your heart. How can you have joy living like that? Always doubting your spouse. If you guys do split up was it really only the others fault? Our spouses dont normally come on here and speak for themselves, do they? It takes two to make a relationship work. If yr married support him in his goal to be a good husband even during these hard times, yr marriage will thrive. My advice, is if you have doubts then strait out ask them. Have a good long talk about it. Then pray about it, hard and for days. Then let God answer you, no matter how hard the answer will be, dont ignore it. Then make yr decision and stick to it. If you decide to stay with them, then dont ever bring it up again. If the worst comes true, take comfort in the fact that it comes true even for the best marriages. Its just a statistic not a life-ending tragedy. Move on and with God's help it will make you stronger and not bitter.

:::dusting off the soap box for the next preacher on the forum::::

[boo boo 1]

My biggest concern while being married is sometimes it can be financially difficult (especially in the beginning). It is hard to marry someone who has to go thru the waiting game process and raise a family on just one income. Then after you get the EAD...it is not easy finding a good paying job. My husband was frustrated not being able to work, but now I think he is worse because he is not able to find a decent job.

We also have many differences....but I always try to find humor in it. Afew days ago, he told me in January that he was going to form a soccer team at school...and I questioned him if he would have the time to do that...of course he said "yes". I said "oh really...well between working FT, going to school, and being on a soccer team, where does your wife and kids fit in?" He did not say anything after that, so we will see how everything goes. Sometimes he is very selfish w/ his time and I have explained to him that things have to improve in that area.

I know that no marriage is perfect and there will always be some flaws. Also, just overcoming many differences and misunderstandings can take time. My husband is always talking to his nigerian friend in North Carolina and they are always swaping stories about their lifestyle differences here in the States. I am happy for that because it has opened my husbands eyes and has helped him out in away.

My husband has mentioned that if we were in Nigeria...wives do this or else..and I have just said "well that is in Nigeria and now you are on the US's soil". He has also told the kids stories about school, hand washing clothes, the ways of life for a kid...and they have appreciated him more and understand why he can be difficult at times. This year is our first Christmas together as a family, my husband celebrates it, but not with gifts. He has told me that I should not buy any gifts and I have told him that I have too. I told him that I am sorry he feels that way, but I hope that he understands that I MUST get my kids some gifts...thank goodness he has not said anything yet I know as a child, they live for Christmas...I do not go overboard by any means...but I do like to put a smile on their face and give them some loving memories

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

We should be aware of the dangers but try to focus on the positive. It may be financially difficult for a while. Well, it's financially difficult now. My last telephone bill was $430. Bassi may help me pay a ridiculous phone bill because we both helped make it so ridiculous, but we don't share any other bills right now. We have separate lives. the $1000 for every flight to visit him adds up too. I'm not sure how much money he could cost me when he's here. The immigration process really is it in terms of major costs. I already buy food for a family, I doubt it'll be an exorbitant change when he is here. He may have a long time finding a job. So we have been planning other things for him to do, I'm focused on work that needs to be done in the house, he can paint one room at a time. And fix all the broken things (my house is 80+ yrs old). Take some classes. Do some volunteer work. And keep himself busy during that time. Use the time to adjust to the US and life in the frigid northeast. It's not going to be all cake, but it helps to try to focus on the positive and not on the negative.

[Zee Bee 61]

We should be aware of the dangers but try to focus on the positive. It may be financially difficult for a while. Well, it's financially difficult now. My last telephone bill was $430. Bassi may help me pay a ridiculous phone bill because we both helped make it so ridiculous, but we don't share any other bills right now. We have separate lives. the $1000 for every flight to visit him adds up too. I'm not sure how much money he could cost me when he's here. The immigration process really is it in terms of major costs. I already buy food for a family, I doubt it'll be an exorbitant change when he is here. He may have a long time finding a job. So we have been planning other things for him to do, I'm focused on work that needs to be done in the house, he can paint one room at a time. And fix all the broken things (my house is 80+ yrs old). Take some classes. Do some volunteer work. And keep himself busy during that time. Use the time to adjust to the US and life in the frigid northeast. It's not going to be all cake, but it helps to try to focus on the positive and not on the negative.