Being real about marriage!!!

[GabiandVi 34]

Hi

I just wanted to add a comment as well, I married a Nigerian and we have been married for 2 years, and I have to say trying to blend cultures together is almost the hardest thing ive done in my life. My husband is very tradional in his views about women, and almost cannot believe the way American men are so helping in house hold matters. We have a difficult time because we are in a small town where there are few blacks and also Nigerians only want to hang with there own people, so that leaves me doing things alone many times, Its been quite a Journey for us, at times I just feel like giving up, because I seem to be the one giving in more to suit what ever were doing. So Im not sure what the future holds but I do know if I had to do this all over again, I would probably think twice.

I understand your frustration. I've never been as infuriated by anyone as I am by my husband. My husband and I faced this issue when we were living in China. He had a lot of African friends there and he only listened to African music and he only wanted to eat African food at home. When his friends came over for African food, they would only speak in his African language. And while he wasn't your traditional chauvinist, there was definitely a sort of double standard that would drive me crazy. But when I sit and think about it, I realize he's a good guy, and he loves me and I love him. I would definitely do it again, but like I said, I'd advise other women who aren't already emotionally invested to avoid getting involved with someone from another culture.

Does your husband play sports? Is there a men's soccer league in your area. This might introduce him to people outside of his tight, cultural circle so that he assimilates a little better. Or he could pursue some other of his interests by getting involved, and eventually, you could start doing things together.

One thing I will be interested to see when my husband moves here is if he will do the shopping with me. He says that it is okay for a man to do the shopping or for a woman to do it, but if a man is seen with his wife at the market, it is very bad for him. How silly is that? I'm all for respecting cultural differences, but some things are just too silly, or too wrong-headed to accept.

[MrsRowe 2]

My husband has been here since April. We have had our ups and downs but we are still hanging in there. We are actively trying to consider each other not just ourselves and our children. Sometimes we forget that when we took vows, they were for better or for worse. having said that, sometimes a marriage is just a sham for some people but i hope that the ones that truly love each other are able to work it out. I had to deal with a major dishonesty on my husband's part after his arrival but i gave him credit because i didn't find out about it from someone else, he openly admitted it to me so that i could make the choice on whether to stay with him or not and for that i am grateful but we are working on trust. Sometimes it takes work because sometimes love isn't enough but marriage on a whole takes work. Sometimes i think that the moment a marriage doesn't work people are quick to say the person scammed them but infact the marriage didn't work because they were not compatible. let's me honest, we love our mates but it is very difficult to know someone until you live with them.

[GabiandVi 34]

My husband has been here since April. We have had our ups and downs but we are still hanging in there. We are actively trying to consider each other not just ourselves and our children. Sometimes we forget that when we took vows, they were for better or for worse. having said that, sometimes a marriage is just a sham for some people but i hope that the ones that truly love each other are able to work it out. I had to deal with a major dishonesty on my husband's part after his arrival but i gave him credit because i didn't find out about it from someone else, he openly admitted it to me so that i could make the choice on whether to stay with him or not and for that i am grateful but we are working on trust. Sometimes it takes work because sometimes love isn't enough but marriage on a whole takes work. Sometimes i think that the moment a marriage doesn't work people are quick to say the person scammed them but infact the marriage didn't work because they were not compatible. let's me honest, we love our mates but it is very difficult to know someone until you live with them.

I think love is NEVER enough. I know a lot of people would consider my view of marriage very unromantic, but I see it the opposite way. Love is a choice you have to make every day. I'm not saying that any marriage can work if people just make the choice again everyday to love their spouse, but I've seen lots of marriages fall apart because the couple "fell out of love" with each other.

An intercultural marriage takes more work than other marriages, but ALL marriages require effort.

Good luck to you. The same thing they say about life is true of marriages, I believe. What doesn't kill it, makes it stronger. I hear what you are saying about having to live with someone to really know them. While it has been stressful living without my husband for the last couple of years, it has been less stressful than those first years together. I'm preparing myself for the readjustments I will have to make when he arrives. And I'm hoping that the external trials we've been through these last few years have made us a better team.

[SweetBliss 0]

Hi

I just wanted to add a comment as well, I married a Nigerian and we have been married for 2 years, and I have to say trying to blend cultures together is almost the hardest thing ive done in my life. My husband is very tradional in his views about women, and almost cannot believe the way American men are so helping in house hold matters. We have a difficult time because we are in a small town where there are few blacks and also Nigerians only want to hang with there own people, so that leaves me doing things alone many times, Its been quite a Journey for us, at times I just feel like giving up, because I seem to be the one giving in more to suit what ever were doing. So Im not sure what the future holds but I do know if I had to do this all over again, I would probably think twice.

I understand your frustration. I've never been as infuriated by anyone as I am by my husband. My husband and I faced this issue when we were living in China. He had a lot of African friends there and he only listened to African music and he only wanted to eat African food at home. When his friends came over for African food, they would only speak in his African language. And while he wasn't your traditional chauvinist, there was definitely a sort of double standard that would drive me crazy. But when I sit and think about it, I realize he's a good guy, and he loves me and I love him. I would definitely do it again, but like I said, I'd advise other women who aren't already emotionally invested to avoid getting involved with someone from another culture.

Does your husband play sports? Is there a men's soccer league in your area. This might introduce him to people outside of his tight, cultural circle so that he assimilates a little better. Or he could pursue some other of his interests by getting involved, and eventually, you could start doing things together.

One thing I will be interested to see when my husband moves here is if he will do the shopping with me. He says that it is okay for a man to do the shopping or for a woman to do it, but if a man is seen with his wife at the market, it is very bad for him. How silly is that? I'm all for respecting cultural differences, but some things are just too silly, or too wrong-headed to accept.

Hi Gabiandvi,

Well im glad to see we both have same situations in dealing with our husbands? I have to agree with you , my husband is a very good man as well, and I know he loves me too, its just that he thinks im trying to Americanize him when i want to do anything outside of Nigerian culture. Its crazy sometimes, but I know it comes along with being married to a man out of my culture.

Yes he loves soccer and played it in college, and the first year he was here he coached for our local high school and also did reffing for games, but after he was able to work he stopped so he could work to make money, as the only pay he recieved was for the reffing.

My hubby will go and do shopping for us but only gets the minimum amount of food, because he thinks overspending for food is something that his country men wont do because of the high amount of poverty??? But if I go and get the extras that we as americans bye he will eat it?? I almost have to laugh as im writing this. where is your husband from in nigeria? my husband was raised in Lagos, his dad was high ranked in the banking over there, but the family is from the niger delta, in thesouth-south.

Its nice to be able to talk to you, It helps to share the situations that we go through?

Have a good night,

Lisa