Being real about marriage!!!

[blah0323 0]

I decided to start this thread as a result of reading some of the other posts, concerning the good and the bad experiences.

Let me first say, I'm still married to my husband. But let me also say it has not been easy. I have learned some things from really nice seasoned married women that has helped in the relationship. Suggestions like exhibiting more patience and trying to put myself in his shoes, coming to a country with no family, no friends and learning new things to make it here in the US. Learning patience for me is still a work in progress......

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Many people have their thoughts concerning Nigerian men and I made it a point to not let family know if we were having problems. But I went through the throwing of fits (him of course), money issues (when he started to work), the checking out of single sites, the porn sites, etc. which has damaged our marriage. Right now I'm trying to heal myself to be able to continue in this marriage. So I see where the feelings of being scammed for a paper comes from, but then I have to look at the whole picture and determine, if it is about a paper or is it just how this man (my husband) is.

[southernchic 0]

I've read this post and another previous post about some failed relationships with African/Nigerian men. I just HAD to say something. VJ is a forum for people to share their good news, bad news, lessons and even failures. If people just want to come here to read only good and positive things that's their choice but...its not REALITY.

The reality is that just as people are meeting their loves, there are people who are hurting and angry at being decieved or realizing that the differences are too much for them to handle. International relationships aren't just love and paperwork. When you choose this relationships you're taking on a lot. And there's a dark reality that there are people from all over the world who are willing to lie, cheat and manipulate unsuspecting people into a relationships, marriage and even having kids. i hope that this forum can be a space to support EVERYONE - not just those did all the right things or have good news to share.

My personal lesson learned is this. "Don't risk more than you can afford to lose."

My husband is Ethiopian. I don't regret my decision to enter into a relationship with him. HOWEVER, I am happy that I never sponsored him for his greencard. Had i, it would have been a huge crushed to be his financial sponsor after really getting to know what kind of person he really is. I won't go into the details of what went wrong. All i can say is that my husband knows its not working for me and he's AGGRESSIVELY trolling yahoo personals and muslim singles looking for other woman. One day he tells me he can't live without me and within hours he's chatting with btwn four to seven different women.

I feel sorry for whomever gets caught up with him. But I'm happy for myself for NOT invested too much - esp once I saw that some bad patterns of dishonesty. contradictions, selfishness and unwillingness to take personal responsibility. I support international relationships. But people need to have their eyes open at the same time. Take my views only as friendly advice. "Follow your heart but don't risk more than you can afford to lose"

Please feel free to PM for more deets.

[chispas 0]

Thanks for sharing your heart-felt personal experience. As women, you are brave for taking the risk and sharing this with us..

God bless and lots and lots of <<<hugs.>>

Edited December 17, 2007 by chispas

[moon1968 0]

I would like to thank you very much for sharing your story......All of us that have gone into such a relationship need to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.......We can learn form each experience. It takes a brave and loving person to share their stories, more so when its a failed relationship....These women need to know that their stories help to keep our feet on the ground and not get so carried so away that we lose sight of reality.....Thank you so much......

[Alt name 1]

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

[JJWashington 0]

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Let us know what happens.

[blah0323 0]

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

Your absolutely right it could be an American that I could have married and have the same issues. But I guess my struggle is that you appear to be living how GOD (it's our higher being) would allow with some compromising exceptions. Even if they married someone from home do you really think the woman would put up with these types of issues? When you run into the lying, your looking at trust issues and that is a major in a relationship. How about when you attempt to forgive and hope to forget to build on your marriage and the same type of situations and more continue to happen.

Some would say enough is enough, but you have to ask the question, have I done all that I can do concerning my marriage, and that may even include standing still and letting GOD do his work. This is a hard road, because it is much easier to walk away. But when you came into with your heart all open and revealing to SO, and you expected the same.............

[southernchic 0]

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

Everyone's situation is different but from my perspective the circumstances of an international mariage are VERY different from marrying an American. When you start adding language, cultural differences and immigration status into the mix it gets even more complicated. I believe these kinds of relationships can work. But there were situations in my relationship that would never existed had i married an American. Or let me put it this way, we had cultural differences.

I'll just give you a few comical examples.

1) He hid my wine. At a certain point, my husband decided that he didn't drink and that he didn't like it when I drank. So one night I came home to find that he'd hidden my wine. His reason? "Well in my culture is it okay to take some thing away if it is not in the other person's best interest." My response....."WHAT?? Don't ever hide my wine. Are you crazy??" I was so pissed. I mean who hides someone's wine? I'm not an alcoholic. But my husband thought that we fought bc I drank. Now he knows better. LOL.

2) "Where's my food?"....famous last words.....When my husband first oved here, he feel asleep while I was cooking him food (something I'd never do for an American man bc it was 10 p.m. and I wasn't hungry). Anyway, when he woke up (some time around midnight) he said, "where's my food?" And he had the nerve to have an attitude about it, too. Dude my mouth was open. I couldn't believe he'd say that to me. It was his culture and he didn't see that he was being rude. After much dissucsion he's realized that it wasn't cool.

3) "I am not a sheep." My husband really had a hard time with me telling what to do sometimes -- esp when it came to driving. We were driving somewhere once, I was telling him, "okay...turn here....alright get into the left lane and stay there." Normal stuff. He, of course, was smarter than me and wouldn't want to follow my instructions. When I got angry and asked him 'why aren't you listening to me?!!! do you know where you're going?" His response? "I am not a sheep. You can't just tell me what to do" My response: "Well, you need to be a sheep sometimes." The sheep comment stuck around for a good 6 months.

These are things I can laugh about now.....But I let's face it international relationships are special but come with some special challenges.

[*JG* 2]

I just want to comment, and say - these things happen right here. I never saw our situation as being any more risky than meeting, loving, and marrying someone from right here at home. The advice i read is good, and the risks that you actually never get out of a marriage what you put in are the same no matter where the person you love and marry is from.

Well, I agree and disagree with this post. Yes, you take a risk with anyone you get involved with. However, for me, the financial requirements of the LDR are certainly more then I would've ever experienced had I fallen in love with someone in my own city.

[*JG* 2]

It's not just Sub-Saharan men. It seems to be the same story in many different forums. So, know you are not alone. I respect that you shared your story. It takes guts to say some things in public. I've taken lots of bashing for saying some of the negatives I bring out in public when I am trying to deal with things.

The driving thing......Girl, that is ALL men. I don't know what it is; but once you put a man behind the wheel, they seem to think they know everything. They will never admit they are lost or confused. You made me smile with that sheep comment. Next time, ask him how often he's seen a sheep drive a car?

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

The driving thing......Girl, that is ALL men. I don't know what it is; but once you put a man behind the wheel, they seem to think they know everything. They will never admit they are lost or confused.

Just because we explore alternate routes from time to time doesn't mean we're lost or confused. I wish there was a way for women to understand that.

[ForeverAmen 0]

With that said, I went out my way to make available everything to my husband, which included cell phone, luxuries at home, supplying a whole new wardrobe. And I believe that was a mistake, it was taken for granted!! All he had to do was just mentioned it and it was done. But then it was like he was always looking for something. I put myself on the bottom of list, if I was even on the list. I needed to take care of me more as I tried to help in his adjustment. So now I make sure I pay attention to me and not just him.

Blah0323 - Hat's off for having the courage to share your story. Especially on such a 'touchy' subject.

In reading what you've said, I am reminded of a piece of advice I received on a regular basis. Don't SPOIL your SO when they arrive. For mainly of us, our SO is coming from a place where poverty is a way of life. Personally, my husband spent several years in parts of Europe before he came here, so he had already started to see the difference between what TV portrays, and what really is. In saying this, our efforts to make things comfortable for our SO ends up giving them a false since of reality. Think about what we as American's see onTV. Big houses, fancy cars, lots of Bling Bling! You and I know that this is not all for real. We have Credit/Loans that makes a lot of these type things possible. As a matter of fact, we can choose to lease the car/house that we want as well. Try explaining this to someone from a 3rd world country, when all they know about us is what MTV, VH1 and BET portrays.

In sharing my thoughts ...this kind of explains why I am not against indivudals providing us with a dose of reality here on VJ. Please understand - I do not support trying to kill someone's spirit unnecessarily; pushing a drowning man under water is not good. But I do believe in "keeping it real".

Keep your chin up, and pray for guidance in all that you do.

Boaz

[ForeverAmen 0]

One more thing ...... in my opinion I sometimes wonder if it's more so the person's culture or just the individual? For example: my husband is from Cameroon and has a very gentle/laid back personality. Yet I know of other men from his country that are complete jerks! What do you'll think? I know that in some cases it's the persons culture/background. But I often wonder why sometimes two individuals can be from the same place, yet so different. Just thinking out loud

Boaz

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Thanks for your post and your honesty. I feel that is welcome and encouraged here. The difference between your post and some others on the site is that you tell your story as a testimony for others to learn from. There are other women who have done the same here. (No men...hmmm?) But then there are some who come here to show you how wrong you are for your joy in your relationship and how your relationship WILL fail. That's NOT cool! And it's really annoying after a while quite frankly. It's like you can ignore it and try to be supportive to a point, and then you just want to say, take some Lexapro and see a therapist. Cause, some people don't want to grow, some people don't want to move on, some people don't want to heal, and worse of all, some people don't want you to feel joy if they are feeling pain.

[ForeverAmen 0]

. It's like you can ignore it and try to be supportive to a point, and then you just want to say, take some Lexapro and see a therapist.

What is Lexapro?