in honor of the muslim thread, I give to you

[wawel 0]

The Ultimate Bullshit

In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.

'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit,

big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time

champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No

contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told.

Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an

invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute

of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does

not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special

place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he

will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry

forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money!

He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't

handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and

they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story.

Holy ######!

But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when

it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried

to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and

likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried

to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look

around, the more you realize, something is ###### up.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth,

poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is

definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am

not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme

Being. This is the kind of ###### you'd expect from an office temp with a bad

attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy

would've been out on his all-powerful ### a long time ago. And by the way, I

say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if

there is a God, it has to be a man.

No woman could or would ever ###### things up like this. So, if there is a God,

I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent,

and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a ######. Doesn't give a ######, which I

admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and

aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some

spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a ######, I decided to look

around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.

And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became

a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But

first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons.

First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could

mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something,

I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I

can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers

in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At

least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply

because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry,

no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a

special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the

best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm

a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me

fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I

wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.

I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking

trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging

for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And

most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And

it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know,

your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for

defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to ###### that hot

little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the

eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And

I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about

the Divine Plan?

Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave

it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And

for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine.

Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want

isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just

for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the

use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can

come along and ###### up Your Plan?

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your

prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will

Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to

anyway, why the ###### bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big

waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to

His Will? It's all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said,

I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons:

First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he

looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't ###### around. In

fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having

trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the

barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's

amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I

noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I

now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half

the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same

as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's

foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your

fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just

pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary

qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want

to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending,

I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it

does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the

grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way.

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty

Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's

men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is

no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In

fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this

audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All

right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God,

may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little

cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm

okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all

very much. Joe Bless You!

[SOlcayto 0]

That's good stuff.

SOL

[Jaylen Brit 0]

let's burn your flag and issues a christian fatwah on you Oh wait - have to be a crusade - yes - time to send in the crusades against you..or him..

[mawilson 2,133]

Good stuff! Very funny!!!

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and ** up Your Plan?

LMFAO!

[Mand 1]

I love George Carlin....shoots straight from the hip

[Melo 1]

Fantastic!!! Nothing but the truth said there

[almaty 19]

i always like george carlin too