Funny Jokes

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

A woman walks into her doctor's office; scared of the strange development recently to the inside of her thighs...a green colored area has appeared on the inside of each. The color won't wash off, won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting larger each day.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that she needn't worry until tests come back. He sends her home.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going on with these spots?

"You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: is your husband a Harley guy?" the doctor asks.

"Yes--how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold!

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BEFORE IT STARTS

A biker came home from the road, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little confused, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little pissed, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You #######! You waltz in here, flop your fat *ss down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The biker sighed. "Oh ######, it's started.

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The versatility of the F-word!

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...

"What the f ck was that?"

- Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where the f ck is all this water coming from?"

- Captain of the Titanic

"That's not a real f cking gun."

- John Lennon

"Who's gonna f cking find out?"

- Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to f cking roll."

- Anne Boleyn

"Any f cking idiot could understand that."

- Albert Einstein

"It does so f cking look like her!"

- Picasso

"You want what on the f cking ceiling?"

- Michaelangelo

"F ck a duck."

- Walt Disney

"Scattered f cking showers my ###."

- Noah

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Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...

Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

Want to race to the station, Sparky?

On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

You'll never get those cuffs on me...Punk!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.

You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!"

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Ya, I know there is no one around, that's how far I am behind.

You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

Didn't I see you get your ### kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

So, uh, you "on the take", or what?

Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

While your ###### with me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Hey, you look like that girl I ###### a few days ago...

Hey, aren't you one of the Village People?

[MR2nice 0]

[almaty 19]

lol...that was great.................

[boo boo 1]

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF MEN GOT PREGNANT?

* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

* There would be a cure for stretch marks.

* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

* They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

* Breifcases would be used as diaper bags.

* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.

* Women would rule the world.

[GaryC 7]

What kind of bees make milk?

boo-bees!!!!

[eric&gen 0]

[Pinocchio Liberal 268]

Waxing

This has to be one of the funniest and most God-awful scenarios I have ever heard of... Bless this woman!!!

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner; played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off!

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!

With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my ####### and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!

I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it!

Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . . . Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

#######? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!*

I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water!! Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"

She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!!!!! I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me as my hand reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care!!

"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color . . .

[eric&gen 0]

lol