*sigh*

[JAYKE 0]

Sent you a PM.

[Danette 0]

OH MY!!...coming from a relationship that was very controlling and eventually abusive, your post deeply concerns me. My initial reaction is to tell you RUN FAST, VERY FAST!

Abusive relationships are usually about a control issue and his lack of confidence in your ability to function "on your own", raises a red flag with me. As opposed to the other opinions in this thread, I would tell you to totally trust your gut feeling. You are not obligated to this man in any way and it has to be said that these type of men have a way of using conversation to turn the tables in their favour. I agree you should talk to him about how you feel, but you should also seek independant professional councelling, as we don't always see........"the nose despite your face". I am sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but take it from me, you DO NOT want to do this for the next 20 years, then realize you may have a problem.

I, like you , have moved from Canada and met my current spouse "on-line". We have had our moments of "adjustment" and have felt the effects of a long distance relationship, but, I have never encountered any negative attitude from him, nor any issues of a controlling kind of nature.

We invest alot by getting involved with someone so far away, but, in the end, if the problems seem way bigger than what you are willing to accept, it may be better to cut your losses than stuggle for the next ?? amount of years trying to make a go of something that is broken to begin with.

Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to, I am pretty understanding on stuff like this.

I hope all works out.

Ps. Hubby read this thread and suggested I respond.....food for thought.

Good luck hon

Hugs

Hugs to ya

[Kajikit 65]

I'm not saying you should cut and run... and I'm CERTAINLY not suggesting that you should sit back and let yourself be controlled. What does your gut say about this? Is he just insecure and uncertain and trying to protect you? Or is he a neurotic paranoid control-freak? You need to sit down and talk about this calmly and rationally with him and tell him how you feel and why you feel that way... and THEN cut and run if that's what your gut tells you to do. There's a difference between getting out of an abusive situation, and running away because life seems too hard.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Adjustment period or NOT, this is unacceptable behaviour!!!!! I would be gone back to Canada so fast, his head would spin.

It isn't going to get better before it gets much much worse. You don't deserve to be treated that way, and by putting up with it, you are only condoning his bad behavior. Talk to him and demand that he change the way he is treating you, or else you are returning to Canada.

I can't even imagine being treated the way you describe...... I think the USC should be very patient, respectful, caring and loving when their SO arrives from their foreign country. It's hard enough to move away from home, without being treated badly when you arrive in the arms of the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else.

Good luck.

Sorry to insert here as I'm not really referring to the OP in this situation..I think you def. SHOULD make him aware of your needs, and some changes should be made immediately. You don't deserve all that. What I do take issue with is the last paragraph of the above post. Yes, the USC should be all of those things. IN ADDITION the USC should be entitled to somewhat of the same person they knew before the non USC moved to the country. Emotions running high are understandable, but the 'arms of the person who are supposed to love you more than anyone else' go both ways too. Again, not directed to the OP, but just making a point. Sometimes, too, no matter how much the USC tries it's just not enough..and I know...from my particular situation..that the USC needs to feel that unconditional love,etc as well in order to be able to support the non USC in everything they are going to be feeling. It is an absolute must that the one moving also be prepared for some of the feelings that will occur when that happens...it likely won't make the feelings any easier but it's very easy to treat someone badly possibly without even knowing it when you are in a lot of pain yourself. and THAT can go both ways. M.

[chocolaterie 0]

I recommend going somewhere public but quiet. That way both of you have to be civil. Sit him down and have a talk. When I first came down to the usa, my hubby didn't even want me to go to the library alone! Didn't like the friends I made (bc i made them on my own and they weren't his friends initially). So you just need to tell him, get everything off your chest. There have been a few times during the first 2 years where I packed up my suitcase and started to leave. You don't want to get to that point.

[ljpren 0]

I am so sorry you feel this way.

It is hard enough to move away from home not having any friends wherever we move and you husband being not exactly supportive.

I agree... I would not go home quite yet.

I agree again you have to talk. You have to show him how this makes you feel. If you dont it will keep building up and that is no good. You need to talk about it.

I can only imagine how hard it is for you. I wanted to go home so many times and if I would not have my husband on my side at all time supporting me I dont know what I would do....

Talk talk and talk some more....

I hope you can sort it out ...

Best of Luck... hold up...

Luc

[ktun 0]

I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. Other posters are right, this is a hard time. I've had some similar experience with my USC husband. He did not help at all with the immigration forms and I just couldn't understand why he wasn't helping me get them filed on time. I really was starting to think that he didnt really want me here. Turns out that it wasn't that at all. He just couldn't get his head around it all, what needed to be done and why. His response to that was to sulk and put it off. Mine was the opposite.....to educate myself about it, and finding this site really helped (though it would have helped more if I had found it before I turned all the forms in). There were many times though that I had a good cry over the phone to my Mum and with some friends I made here. In the end I bore most of the responsibility for the paperwork and collecting evidence that was needed. Everything is much better now the paperwork is all turned in, like a weight off for both of us. The immigration process is very stressful and people respond in different ways to stress. Hey, my hubby has lost 20lbs and I've gained 20lbs since we started all this!! How is that fair?!

I would talk to him about you going out alone though. When I first came here a year ago I was the one reluctant to go anywhere alone, concerned about driving on the other side of the road, not knowing anyone or how to get anywhere. Now I go out by myself whenever I want. Just grab the keys and say "I'm running up to the store, you want anything." Hubby thinks this is great, he doesnt have to come groccery shopping anymore!! I found getting out the house, particularly by myself and starting to get to know people to be a real blessing. If you're always at home, just the two of you it can be rather intense. You probably both need a break.

Being homesick is awful, I still get very homesick at times, moving to another country where you dont know anyone could be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Christmas was especially for me hard, but my parents were able to fly into Chicago for a few days afterwards so I got to see them, which also helped. It takes some people longer than others to adjust I guess. My godmother (who is also English) moved to America some 30 years ago and married a USC. We all met up in Chicago after Christmas and she told me that it took her years to get over the homesickness. It does get better though, give some time yet.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Kate

P.S. My husband is appalling at housework too, some of that is just a guy thing. Like he seems oblivious to the fact that the bedsheets need changed fairly regularly. "We just did that" he says. Men...honestly!!!! We have found compromises though. I do the cooking, so he has to wash up. Also he does the laundry because the washer and dryer are in the basement and I find it creepy down there!!

[Mand 1]

Talk to each other...then talk some more...and then talk a little more...and continue talking throughout your married life. That's the key I think. If you leave things unsaid, they become larger than life and will cause a lot of hurt.

Talk to each other and find out what's going on in each other's head and heart

[mojothedestroyer 0]

Didn't like the friends I made (bc i made them on my own and they weren't his friends initially).

Yeah, he's very nervous about me making friends on my own, but he doesn't have that many friends here as it is because he recently moved back home to CT after many years away in Iowa. I'm a very social person, I love getting together with people, having parties, etc. A lot of his friends seem very childish and always insist on leaving for home way early. He and I talked about it and we know that while I do want to make some friends on my own, we need to make 'couple' friends together.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. Other posters are right, this is a hard time. I've had some similar experience with my USC husband. He did not help at all with the immigration forms and I just couldn't understand why he wasn't helping me get them filed on time. I really was starting to think that he didnt really want me here. Turns out that it wasn't that at all. He just couldn't get his head around it all, what needed to be done and why. His response to that was to sulk and put it off. Mine was the opposite.....to educate myself about it, and finding this site really helped (though it would have helped more if I had found it before I turned all the forms in). There were many times though that I had a good cry over the phone to my Mum and with some friends I made here. In the end I bore most of the responsibility for the paperwork and collecting evidence that was needed. Everything is much better now the paperwork is all turned in, like a weight off for both of us. The immigration process is very stressful and people respond in different ways to stress. Hey, my hubby has lost 20lbs and I've gained 20lbs since we started all this!! How is that fair?!

I would talk to him about you going out alone though. When I first came here a year ago I was the one reluctant to go anywhere alone, concerned about driving on the other side of the road, not knowing anyone or how to get anywhere. Now I go out by myself whenever I want. Just grab the keys and say "I'm running up to the store, you want anything." Hubby thinks this is great, he doesnt have to come groccery shopping anymore!! I found getting out the house, particularly by myself and starting to get to know people to be a real blessing. If you're always at home, just the two of you it can be rather intense. You probably both need a break.

Being homesick is awful, I still get very homesick at times, moving to another country where you dont know anyone could be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. Christmas was especially for me hard, but my parents were able to fly into Chicago for a few days afterwards so I got to see them, which also helped. It takes some people longer than others to adjust I guess. My godmother (who is also English) moved to America some 30 years ago and married a USC. We all met up in Chicago after Christmas and she told me that it took her years to get over the homesickness. It does get better though, give some time yet.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Kate

P.S. My husband is appalling at housework too, some of that is just a guy thing. Like he seems oblivious to the fact that the bedsheets need changed fairly regularly. "We just did that" he says. Men...honestly!!!! We have found compromises though. I do the cooking, so he has to wash up. Also he does the laundry because the washer and dryer are in the basement and I find it creepy down there!!

You totally hit the nail on the head with everything you said. He had a really hard time wrapping his head around all of the paperwork and it kind of just .... stunned him and he didn't even know where to start. The weight thing, too!!!

He's been a LOT better about me going out alone. What prompted me to post about that in the first place was because I was frustrated with him and he told me that I wasn't allowed to drive the car while upset. He had a valid point, he was worried about me getting in to an accident and being sent back to Canada as a result. Now, he just doesn't like it when he asks if I want to come with him and I say I'd rather stay in. He likes my company, is all!

My aunt (and godmother as well!) was an expat to Japan and now in Boston. She's been a big help to me with homesickness and the like. She still misses home and family, even after 15 years away from Canada.

Men and housework .... GAH!

Oh and one last comment to the person who said that he was being abusive and controlling ... FAR FROM IT!!!! I was in an abusive and controlling marriage 5 years ago so I know the signs. The post was just made out of frustration and PMS and I over-exagerated a little bit. Thank you for the concern, though. Chris and I have had good conversations and we're both on the same page now. We still have the occasional disagreement, but what married couple doesn't?

[ktun 0]

Really pleased that things are looking up for you. Keep going, eventually everything will work out. That's what I tell myself anyway, when this process seems so long and hard. I'm looking forward to getting my EAD, really am. It is hard for me just to sit around the house not really doing anything, and of course the extra money will help.

Remember you've always got people here on VJ who understand the kind of thing you're going through.

Take care

Kate

[Jaylen Brit 0]

excellent news Shannon but I still hope he gets off the 'forbid thing'

Care and concern for your well being is great and maybe, now you've said more, its from a fear of losing you in some weird accident and not the control thing people feared.

Hopefully the pair of you will be able to look back on all this one day and laugh