Strange question I know

[thndrdancr 0]

Sorry to hear, Vicki. I had read of your story before and it is sad. The only reason I am able to make this work, is that I am old enough and wise enough to know that most of the times, you have to TELL a man what you need. I mean right then. I didnt realize this in my younger years, I just kept hoping, and crying, and telling them after it got so bad I couldnt stand it any more. Tearful discussions that they listened to, and then I dont know what happened, cuz it never seemed to do any good. I have had quite a few relationships that failed because of this. If I was the way I was in my 20's, I would be positively miserable, even tho my husband is the sweetest gentlemen I could ever imagine, just like you said your husband was. He is so helpful and the little things get me by. But, NOW, when I sit there wishing he would hug me or show affection, I come up to him and SAY "OK, I need a hug now". He is very receptive, he does not rebuff me (now that I couldnt handle and it would end badly). We have been married since last September, and I swear these last two weeks are the first where he has actually come up and hugged me on his own, and its happened several times. So he is trying...I know.

I really think he just didnt/doesnt know how. Kudos to him tho, he is getting better all the time.

[vicki/bala 0]

Sounds as if the two of you are on the right track. Its nice your husband understands your feelings and are responding to them. He is to be commended and so are you for your patience. Good luck to the both of you!! As for me and My ex we are much better suited to be friends. At times I look at him and feel so sad for the love lost, I know in the end we made the right choice by ending the marriage. He is free to move on and find someone who can accept him for who he is and Ive met a wonderful man who is as affectionate as I am (and he is hindu ! )....

Vicki/Bala

[Journey 0]

Well, I am thankful to all women here. I just dropped by this thread while searching for some interview questions for my k1 visa. And my american fiancee is coming to india for 3rd time within 9 months. She never said any thing like that but yes she was always complaning about giving me kiss at Delhi International airport. So the first time she came out of the green channel she saw me, and leaving the trolly a side she just gave me a tight hug that lasted i guess for a minute, before the public and I could see all the eyes watching me asking me what I am doing. I too was well surprised and then happy since that was the first hug I got in the public. Next time she told me in advance that she is going to kiss me at airport. Well she did but just on the cheeks it was very fast. And now she is coming in a week time and told me that she is going to kiss me, I guess I have the answer what to do this time. I never thought that hugging and thank u and patting all of these really matters , but reading this thread I guess I knew I should be giving some surprises to my gal and also adopting those but it will take a little time I guess.

Once again thank u all.

[Tropicana 0]

I was just browsing and happened across your post. Being Guyanese born I must say that I find what you posted interesting. It comes down to the individual and the family in which they were raised. I have friends from both sides of this issue. Some came from homes where they received reinforcement and encouragement and others came from "cold" homes where expressing affection towards each other was not done.Typically, some Guyanese are not as touchy feely as Americans are, and public displays of affection depend on the individuals and how comfortable they are doing so. Also, a lot of people are not comfortable with sexuality and keep those matters for behind closed doors . Those in their 40's would find the whole thing awkward while the thirty something and under crowd think nothing of it. Guess its because our generation has been more exposed to different perspectives, especially since most of us grew up having TV's. Prior to the late eighties, it was not common to find many homes with a TV-and yes, I know it may sound strange- but it is true

Some families were kinda cold in that you never heard them saying I love you to each other or any of that- but that did not mean they did not have love for each other.

Guess you just need to be patient and explain to him that it is OK to be affectionate. Its hard to break out of a certain pattern of behavior when you spend most of your life thinking that it is "normal". Its the unlearning of those patterns that will cause you the frustration so I wish you all the best and hope that things turn around soon

[MDighe 0]

Ok. How shall I put this. I am a normal American gal, and have not had much experience with some of the other cultures and religions. I have a question about affection and kissing. My Indian husband grew in in a pretty strict Hindu culture, yet was from Guyana, not India. I would also say he is slightly christian, which I know is weird. But anyhow, he grew in a household with NO affection whatsoever. No hugs, no "I love you's", no kissing, no "I am proud of you's" etc.

In our 40's we are, and his first kiss was with me. Unreal. His folks even tried the arranged marriage bit, etc, so he is really not too experienced with my affection needs. When I try to make him understand I need HUGS, and TLC, and complements...he just doesnt seem to be getting it, and thinks I am referring to "sex" itself. Since this concept is so foreign to him, its real tough on him and it makes me feel positively unloved at times.

Anyone expereience anything of this sort? And I have told him SOOOOOO many times now, we even had a big discussion (with me crying) about it before marrying, with me saying I couldnt live without it, and I THOUGHT he got it, but he slips back into the way he grew up so easily. He never says a harsh word, and he does tell me he loves before bed at night, but I always have to say it first. I know he does love me, in all his little actions, but sometimes I just want something physical. Any advice, anything? And maybe even some of the men have some ideas. Men- if you only KNEW how important this is to a girl!

Hi

Let me say I am also married to a hindu and yes this is very common. But if you keep working on it..In time he will get the hang of it. It took my husband over 2 yrs but now no problem. He wouldn't even kiss me outside by the back door he used to say to me the neighbors might be looking out of their window and see us...LOL But trust me in time it will happen..

Michelle

[j3dnight 0]

ohhhhhhh i know the please and thank you issues, if he doesn't say please, I don't give him whatever he wants, just like we are taught

I did hug him at the airport the first time, took it easy on the affection in public there, here at home he has just grabbed my face all the sudden and smooched me in public, real quick and giddy.... than laughed like a mischievous boy saying I always wanted to do that in public.

thder,,,,, he's learning good news, it's a hard habit to break i'm sure, like us learning no more please and thank you's, would be kinda weird

i think u have a good man and he's lucky too !

[Delhiguy 0]

ohhhhhhh i know the please and thank you issues, if he doesn't say please, I don't give him whatever he wants, just like we are taught

I did hug him at the airport the first time, took it easy on the affection in public there, here at home he has just grabbed my face all the sudden and smooched me in public, real quick and giddy.... than laughed like a mischievous boy saying I always wanted to do that in public.

thder,,,,, he's learning good news, it's a hard habit to break i'm sure, like us learning no more please and thank you's, would be kinda weird

i think u have a good man and he's lucky too !

This is strange. I know nobody has written here in a long time but this is something I found interesting to read. I am an Indian fiance of an American Indian girl (born and brought up in the States) and I find myself in the exact position as you ladies do. She is very shy about public affection or even hugging and kissing in private while I am more so the type and find myself trying to hug her while she is shy about it all, even in private. Although the pleases and thank yous, I think we are fine on, though she does say I get too formal when I use my pleases and thank yous supposedly too much....

I think it has a lot to do with the culture one is brought up in. Contrary to normal Indian families, my family was pretty open about affection and having lived outside of India for a major part of my life must have opened me up, while she comes from a traditional Indian family, and I know her parents just expect things to be done for each other in the family rather than showing much affection so maybe that is it.

But I do agree that saying what one expects, helps a lot,although most of the time my fiance just says she is not comfortable with that kind of behaviour.

As far as I am concerned, when she does hug me and shows affection, it really does help, since we have such a strong connection, which we can see between us and I always feel so amazing after having hugged her, so I hope we keep doing a lot of it going ahead

[thndrdancr 0]

I am the one that started this thread, and if it has helped anyone, then that is a wonderful thing.

My husband is so much better with affection now. I really was never talking about public affection, I am even a lil against TOO much of that, but its ok in certain circumstances. I was talking about any affection at ALL.

All here will be glad to know we are doing fantastic in that department, I get a LOT of hugs now! Kisses, well, we still have to work on, I guess he had never kissed a girl in his life before me, and at 40, well...I know he LIKES them, guess its just hard for him.

I do still say I need a hug when I need one. He tells me he never really learned that you can talk things out in a relationship to make things better, and that is an eye opener for him. Almost all of his brothers are having marital issues, I think its what shied him away from marrying for so long. Now when we argue...or I mean when I get upset, he prods me til I tell him what is bothering me, and then he explains what HE meant and makes me laugh so hard I forget I am mad at him.

Its been a year now we are married, and I am so happy. Guys, please remember, affection IS important, I think even to women that never grew up with it. NOT sex-related affection, guys get that mixed up. Affection as in just touching (like her hair, or her face) sometimes, or giving us a hug, or a complement. If its sex related, then it loses its wonderfulness. This is across the board, no matter religion, or country, or upbringing.

Thanks to everyone.

Jill

[babybunny 2]

I have nothing to contibute to this thread at all. but, I will say this.

my husband is pakistani. he is not shy at all and nor am I .. think the public affection might stress him. so my plan is to just accidently kiss him in public. once realizes I am accident prone he will get used to it..

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

I have nothing to contibute to this thread at all. but, I will say this.

my husband is pakistani. he is not shy at all and nor am I .. think the public affection might stress him. so my plan is to just accidently kiss him in public. once realizes I am accident prone he will get used to it..

I don't like to kiss in public.

But that's just me.

[thndrdancr 0]

I have nothing to contibute to this thread at all. but, I will say this.

my husband is pakistani. he is not shy at all and nor am I .. think the public affection might stress him. so my plan is to just accidently kiss him in public. once realizes I am accident prone he will get used to it..

Shon, you crack me up. lol I actually dont like to kiss in public either, but I might try this IN the home!

Somehow everyone took this to mean affection IN PUBLIC, and I dont know how that came about. But anyhow....its still a pretty good thread!

[chri'stina 190]

I have nothing to contibute to this thread at all. but, I will say this.

my husband is pakistani. he is not shy at all and nor am I .. think the public affection might stress him. so my plan is to just accidently kiss him in public. once realizes I am accident prone he will get used to it..

I don't like to kiss in public.

But that's just me.

We don't like to kiss in public either. Yesterday I hadn't seen Sujeet until we met up at a restaurant for my mom's bday in Tampa, which he just met up with us after work. And it makes him very awkward to even give me a quick kiss hello in a public situation like that. I have to say "kiss?".... then he will quickly do it.

Edited September 20, 2006 by stina&suj

[Delhiguy 0]

I have nothing to contibute to this thread at all. but, I will say this.

my husband is pakistani. he is not shy at all and nor am I .. think the public affection might stress him. so my plan is to just accidently kiss him in public. once realizes I am accident prone he will get used to it..

I don't like to kiss in public.

But that's just me.

We don't like to kiss in public either. Yesterday I hadn't seen Sujeet until we met up at a restaurant for my mom's bday in Tampa, which he just met up with us after work. And it makes him very awkward to even give me a quick kiss hello in a public situation like that. I have to say "kiss?".... then he will quickly do it.

Hey, maybe we shud xchange fiances Just kidding

But really, this is getting a bit weird on our front here now, and I am now wondering what I am doing wrong. Everytime I try to show affection in hugs and kisses (and I dont overdo it), she really never replied back in kind or never intiitated it, but lately, it seems to me there is something wrong despite us talking about it, which was funny and a good talk, since we both relaised how each other was, in the open....

I really dunno wat to do about this...

[thndrdancr 0]

DelhiGuy,

Perhaps you need to do like I do and just tell her now and again, "ok, I need a hug now!"

Women love flattery too, usually. Tell her how it makes you feel all amazing, like you described earlier, when she hugs you, or tell her something like you dream of her just coming up an hugging you for no reason, and how it would just make your day, etc. Usually women do like to please, so she might do more if you told her how much you like it.

I think its real tuff for someone that hasnt grown up with it. My hubby is still working on random hugs, he forgets a lot and its been over a year now.

Also with women, its tough, becuz sometimes they think if they initiate anything like this, it will lead to sex, and they dont always want that to happen. So they liken any affection to this end. This is a real prob with my hubby, especially in the beginning, I think he thot every time I smiled at him he thot I "wanted" something. Good grief! I wanted some affection. Men blur these lines alot, especially in households where they grew up with no affection, so its no wonder women are scared to hug or kiss.

Hope this mite help a bit.

Good luck.

[Delhiguy 0]

DelhiGuy,

Perhaps you need to do like I do and just tell her now and again, "ok, I need a hug now!"

Women love flattery too, usually. Tell her how it makes you feel all amazing, like you described earlier, when she hugs you, or tell her something like you dream of her just coming up an hugging you for no reason, and how it would just make your day, etc. Usually women do like to please, so she might do more if you told her how much you like it.

I think its real tuff for someone that hasnt grown up with it. My hubby is still working on random hugs, he forgets a lot and its been over a year now.

Also with women, its tough, becuz sometimes they think if they initiate anything like this, it will lead to sex, and they dont always want that to happen. So they liken any affection to this end. This is a real prob with my hubby, especially in the beginning, I think he thot every time I smiled at him he thot I "wanted" something. Good grief! I wanted some affection. Men blur these lines alot, especially in households where they grew up with no affection, so its no wonder women are scared to hug or kiss.

Hope this mite help a bit.

Good luck.

I will try making it clearer to her more often about how it will make my day and asking her for a hug when i really want one.....

About the flattery I am not really sure, I thought she liked it too, but she has categorically stated that it is weird when I am too lovey-dovey or when I talk in the way when I was explaining how amazing I feel when with her....And she didnt just say it, most of the times when I am vocal about my feelings for her, she like clams up and gets all weird, and acts like she doesnt liket alking about that stuff....so I really dunno about what to do......

But thanks for all the advice and I really hope some of this asking her to do it really works.....

But then again, she is in the US now and I am here, so I guess it will all have to wait, although a few kisses and some affectionf rom her on IM/phone wont hurt

Maybe in my "household" we have interchanged roles