Could you forgive a cheating spouse?

[Sprailenes 47]

I think it all depends on the situation. Yes I can find it in my heart to forgive. My ex (the father of my son) cheated once and I forgave him.

He cheated twice and I walked out.

But if you're going to forgive them, you need to really forgive and not hold the score card above their heads. Either forgive and move on or just simply move on.

I knew if I stayed with him, I would probably hold it against him for the rest of our lives together and that isn't a happy or healthy relationship. I just couldn't trust him anymore.

Now he's married to the girl he cheated with and they're happy and I am happy for them. They do make a great couple.

Edited December 13, 2007 by Sprailenes

[Fandango 1,440]

Many of these 'oh he'd be out the door' responses are really quite interesting!

I want to clarify that just because I said I would try to forgive him does NOT mean that I find cheating acceptable in any way shape or form. But when you say 'til death us do part'....what does that mean to you?

[Sprailenes 47]

Until you physically, mentally or emotionally die.

You can kill a relationship...a relationship can die.

[natty bumppo 297]

Many of these 'oh he'd be out the door' responses are really quite interesting!

I want to clarify that just because I said I would try to forgive him does NOT mean that I find cheating acceptable in any way shape or form. But when you say 'til death us do part'....what does that mean to you?

You won't be able to find the body ..

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

Many of these 'oh he'd be out the door' responses are really quite interesting!

I want to clarify that just because I said I would try to forgive him does NOT mean that I find cheating acceptable in any way shape or form. But when you say 'til death us do part'....what does that mean to you?

So you'd kill him?

[Sister Fracas 5]

Many of these 'oh he'd be out the door' responses are really quite interesting!

I want to clarify that just because I said I would try to forgive him does NOT mean that I find cheating acceptable in any way shape or form. But when you say 'til death us do part'....what does that mean to you?

yeah, it's curious that more people wouldn't want to try to work on the marriage....find out what led to the cheating. Or maybe it's just easier to give some kind of bravado "kick 'em to the curb, cut off d*ck" response, rather than actually think what would you do. It's uncomfortable...no one wants to think they either couldn't satisfy a spouse or that there was some kind of breakdown in the marriage prior to the cheating, because happy people don't cheat. And it's a shame to lump all cheating behavior together, as well as all people who have committed some kind of cheating behavior. Just because it's happened in the past and it couldn't be worked on, why does that automatically translate to failure to get over a cheating incident in a another relationship? Perhaps people don't try hard enough on marriages when things go bad...hence the high rate of divorce.

Edited December 13, 2007 by Sister Fracas

[Nessa 23]

yeah, it's curious that more people wouldn't want to try to work on the marriage....find out what led to the cheating. Or maybe it's just easier to give some kind of bravado "kick 'em to the curb, cut off d*ck" response, rather than actually think what would you do. It's uncomfortable...no one wants to think they either couldn't satisfy a spouse or that there was some kind of breakdown in the marriage prior to the cheating, because happy people don't cheat. And it's a shame to lump all cheating behavior together, as well as all people who have committed some kind of cheating behavior. Just because it's happened in the past and it couldn't be worked on, why does that automatically translate to failure to get over a cheating incident in a another relationship? Perhaps people don't try hard enough on marriages when things go bad...hence the high rate of divorce.

the cut the ####### off was a joke. Maybe ''those people'' that wouldn't want to work on their marriage due to cheating are the ones who were in a relationship in the past where their partner cheated on them and they've been there, they know the pain and the damage and just decided not to ever go through that again.

It took me 27 years to get married and one of the reasons was I was never able to trust anyone enough to make a lifetime commitment the way I trust my husband. I trust him enough and know him enough to accept some flaws and have 1 big deal breaker, which would be cheating. And same with him.

[LoriLawless 0]

yeah, it's curious that more people wouldn't want to try to work on the marriage....find out what led to the cheating. Or maybe it's just easier to give some kind of bravado "kick 'em to the curb, cut off d*ck" response, rather than actually think what would you do. It's uncomfortable...no one wants to think they either couldn't satisfy a spouse or that there was some kind of breakdown in the marriage prior to the cheating, because happy people don't cheat. And it's a shame to lump all cheating behavior together, as well as all people who have committed some kind of cheating behavior. Just because it's happened in the past and it couldn't be worked on, why does that automatically translate to failure to get over a cheating incident in a another relationship? Perhaps people don't try hard enough on marriages when things go bad...hence the high rate of divorce.

the cut the ####### off was a joke. Maybe ''those people'' that wouldn't want to work on their marriage due to cheating are the ones who were in a relationship in the past where their partner cheated on them and they've been there, they know the pain and the damage and just decided not to ever go through that again.

It took me 27 years to get married and one of the reasons was I was never able to trust anyone enough to make a lifetime commitment the way I trust my husband. I trust him enough and know him enough to accept some flaws and have 1 big deal breaker, which would be cheating. And same with him.

I agree Nessa. I've been there and as soon as I found out, I was out the door. I won't put myself though that again.

While I agree that giving up too easily is part of the divorce rate problem, I will NOT put myself in an emotionally abusive situation, and to me, that's exactly what cheating would be.

[Caladan 19]

I don't think it's a sign of not wanting to work on the marriage to want to draw a line at cheating; I just also think it's not a sign of weakness to think that it might depend on the circumstances, or might be forgiveable.

[Sister Fracas 5]

It just seems that some people are making absolute statements. If you were cheated on before, would the circumstance that led the first relationship to end in a cheating situation, exactly the same as the circumstance in a subsequent relationship? How can you be so sure it will be if it hasn't happend? The point is, it's just easy to say either yes, or no I would/wouldn't forgive, but I don't think it's that cut and dry.

Also, if you just cut the line and run out the door, how do you find out what the reason for the cheating was? How do find out if there was something lacking in the marriage, so you know how to avoid repeat behavior in a subsequent relationship?

Edited December 13, 2007 by Sister Fracas

[LoriLawless 0]

It just seems that some people are making absolute statements. If you were cheated on before, would the circumstance that led the first relationship to end in a cheating situation, exactly the same as the circumstance in a subsequent relationship? How can you be so sure it will be if it hasn't happend? The point is, it's just easy to say either yes, or no I would/wouldn't forgive, but I don't think it's that cut and dry.

Also, if you just cut the line and run out the door, how do you find out what the reason for the cheating was? How do find out if there was something lacking in the marriage, so you know how to avoid repeat behavior in a subsequent relationship?

I understand what you're saying. However, in my case I can say absolutely that I would not stay. Speaking from past experience, everything went out the window when he cheated.

I couldn't care less why he did. He broke the one bond - trust - that cannot be broken. Finding out why to avoid repeat behavior in subsequent relationships indicates that I think it may be MY fault - it's not.

Saying that, there are different situations for every couple, and if you can forgive and forget, more power to you.

[Sister Fracas 5]

It just seems that some people are making absolute statements. If you were cheated on before, would the circumstance that led the first relationship to end in a cheating situation, exactly the same as the circumstance in a subsequent relationship? How can you be so sure it will be if it hasn't happend? The point is, it's just easy to say either yes, or no I would/wouldn't forgive, but I don't think it's that cut and dry.

Also, if you just cut the line and run out the door, how do you find out what the reason for the cheating was? How do find out if there was something lacking in the marriage, so you know how to avoid repeat behavior in a subsequent relationship?

I understand what you're saying. However, in my case I can say absolutely that I would not stay. Speaking from past experience, everything went out the window when he cheated.

I couldn't care less why he did. He broke the one bond - trust - that cannot be broken. Finding out why to avoid repeat behavior in subsequent relationships indicates that I think it may be MY fault - it's not.

Saying that, there are different situations for every couple, and if you can forgive and forget, more power to you.

Not saying it would be your fault, but IF a spouse has to look outside of the marriage, something is breaking down in that marriage, unless the person is just nasty and would cheat regardless, in which case, how does anyone end up with someone like that in the first place. I'd want to know what I could have done to nip things in the bud BEFORE cheating. You know, did I miss signals that something was wrong?

I don't know what would happen if my husband cheated. I would be DEVASTATED, but I know he is such a good person to the core, that if something happened, I'd want to know why. I'd want to try to work on it. The pain of working on fixing things would be hard...of that I'm sure, but it's something I'd have to do. Otherwise I'd be left with too many questions. Therapy doesn't always lead to the happy ending, but it could lead to closure that ending the marriage outright couldn't. Just my thoughts.... *shrug*

[almaty 19]

Many of these 'oh he'd be out the door' responses are really quite interesting!

I want to clarify that just because I said I would try to forgive him does NOT mean that I find cheating acceptable in any way shape or form. But when you say 'til death us do part'....what does that mean to you?

excellent point sister lisa...

[PeterCap 0]

Deep in my heart I think that I couldn't live with it, but you need to try to put into perspective the whole situation. What I mean by that is you need to take into consideration different factors(whether you have kids and so on) and only after that make your final decision. Because in case you have kids your decision would have last inpact not only on you but on your children as well. Overall, every situation is different and you need to navigate in it according to your own moral standarts . Hope you you will never find yourself in a position like this!

[TBoneTX 45,849]

Thread from 2007 is now closed to further comment.