how far can you go?

[Inquiring Mind 0]

All I can say is.......it takes TWO PEOPLE to make the marriage work. Different strokes for different folks. What works for one couple won't work for another. We choose our mates and along the journey as husband and wife, we discover new things about each other on a continuous basis. Once that happens, we make choices. Usually the options are, 1) go with the flow, 2) try to reach a compromise, 3) agree to disagree, 4) OR give up on the marriage.

I think it is very beneficial for couples to go through pre-marital counseling. Marriage is work and we all do our work a little bit different from how someone else would because we are UNIQUE individuals.

That's my two cents.....for whatever its worth

LadyJ

[ForeverAmen 0]

I also think the woman used poor expression with her choice of words. Some of it is way out there and I agree it looks like he had something to hide. Transparency seems to be lacking.

I recently met a couple, he Nigerian, she white American.

I was delighted to meet them at this wedding reception and told both about my African fiance and phone numbers were exchanged.

Then she asked me if my fiance also had to be married 3 times traditionally before he could marry me

I said no. She insisted that was the way his culture dictated it and only then could they marry.

He in the meantime started to distance himself rather quickly from me, I assume because he knew that I knew he was full of it.

I did not feel it was my place to educate her on her mans culture and tell her the truth so I just said oh ok.

I never called them.

How on earth does someone just take every word as gold without truly researching the culture for themselves ?

It happens a lot. A man just has to say it is my culture therefore it entitles me to do this and that and therefore you must do this and that and the woman says oh ok, after all it is your culture.

Why do some woman not research the culture and express and communicate expectations early on ?

My fiance and I have discussed cultural issues in depths along with his and my expectations as man and wife.

I told him I will never be an African woman and ask if he can accept my western ways as I will accept some of his ways.

I also told him that he is the very first man in my life that I CHOSE to submit myself under because of his kind heart and trust.

I believe in many African villages woman are treated in the manner described in the post. I have seen a lot while in Sierra Leone.

Men go out by themselves or in groups while the woman stay home. Woman retreat when men strike up a conversation and huddle in the background and dare not speak on the subject......this was in the city.

If it works for them and they are happy then good for them.

However when a man or woman for that matter immigrate here and marry into our western culture he/she should compromise, adapt and

think outside the box a little. I am willing to also adapt to some of his ways to make him happy. Whatever works and is acceptable for both partners to grow in harmony. It should not be demanded as cultural entitlement but discussed in love and understanding.

Kindness, love and mutual respect to please one another. A blending of the two into one.

The old saying..........treat him like a king and he will treat you like a queen comes to mind.

Somehow the woman who this topic is about was not treated like a queen it seems, although she treats him like a king.

I am babbling......

Agree! This is also why (within reason) I think it's such a good and valuable idea to have others post and share their experiences with the rest of the group. Let me make myself clear (I don't want a war started) .... I am not talking about bashing any group(s) of individuals, but overall you would be suprised at how naive individuals can sometimes be when it comes to love. I'm now 35, and I sometimes reflect on past dating situations. During these moments of reflections, I amaze myself at how stupid I used to be. Thank God for the "Boaz" I received in my husband.

Experience is the best teacher, and I thank God for all the lessons learned.

Boaz

[ForeverAmen 0]

I think it is very beneficial for couples to go through pre-marital counseling. Marriage is work and we all do our work a little bit different from how someone else would because we are UNIQUE individuals.

LadyJ

Agree! I personally strongly encourage couples to participate in pre-marital counseling. In addition, after the wedding, being a part of a good support group ie, like-minded couples, couples ministry, etc., etc.) is also a good idea.

[Inquiring Mind 0]

Whatever works and is acceptable for both partners to grow in harmony. It should not be demanded as cultural entitlement but discussed in love and understanding.

Kindness, love and mutual respect to please one another. A blending of the two into one.

Boaz

I agree Boaz. Grow in harmony is "key" because hopefully we are in our marriages for the long haul.

[ForeverAmen 0]

Whatever works and is acceptable for both partners to grow in harmony. It should not be demanded as cultural entitlement but discussed in love and understanding.

Kindness, love and mutual respect to please one another. A blending of the two into one.

Boaz

I agree Boaz. Grow in harmony is "key" because hopefully we are in our marriages for the long haul.

Ummmmmm ...... I did not say that . I think you may have taken someone else's quote and gave me credit for it. But thanks anway. By the way, I agree with the comment as well.

Boaz

[Queen Jenn 0]

Why do some woman not research the culture and express and communicate expectations early on ?

My fiance and I have discussed cultural issues in depths along with his and my expectations as man and wife.

I told him I will never be an African woman and ask if he can accept my western ways as I will accept some of his ways.

I also told him that he is the very first man in my life that I CHOSE to submit myself under because of his kind heart and trust.

However when a man or woman for that matter immigrate here and marry into our western culture he/she should compromise, adapt and

think outside the box a little. I am willing to also adapt to some of his ways to make him happy. Whatever works and is acceptable for both partners to grow in harmony. It should not be demanded as cultural entitlement but discussed in love and understanding.

Kindness, love and mutual respect to please one another. A blending of the two into one.

VERY WELL SAID!!!!!!!

[devils_advocate 0]

Paging Dr. Phil.....we've got a live one here. You're right DA, this woman does need help. It sounds like she is in an abusive relationship; whether it be physically, mentally, or both. How can a marriage be "made in heaven" when only one spouse is benefitting from the relationship?! Marriage is a partnership.

You said it sister someone needs to get on that website and give her a giant clue!

Here you go, clue her in..........LOL

http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-98635.0.html

I have tried to get on that blasted site to post about this rubbish, but I am having trouble getting an ID I sign up...and the email confirm never comes...I am going to try again

[Bassi and Zainab 1]

Whatever works and is acceptable for both partners to grow in harmony. It should not be demanded as cultural entitlement but discussed in love and understanding.

Kindness, love and mutual respect to please one another. A blending of the two into one.

Boaz

I agree Boaz. Grow in harmony is "key" because hopefully we are in our marriages for the long haul.

Ummmmmm ...... I did not say that . I think you may have taken someone else's quote and gave me credit for it. But thanks anway. By the way, I agree with the comment as well.

Boaz

It was Omoba.