how far can you go?

[*JG* 2]

#######?

That is not a normal relationship by any standard. If the woman wants it that way then she is missing out on a real loving relationship. She obviously has some self esteem issues if she is willing to be treated like that. What woman wants to be told what, when, how, why, where?

Unfortunately I have heard all of this before, not about Nigerian men, but about African men in general and from what I have seen, not only on this board but from my own observations, there are those that would fit this stereotype and those that do not. Why is it the negative stereotype that gets attention?

Yes, I agree with this. Self esteem is always what I look at when I read or see stuff like this. Maybe I'm just too headstrong; but I would never do some of the stuff mentioned. I'm a wife....a partner. Nothing more or less.

[myangel2 0]

She sounds like an american day slave to me. Wow... I feel sorry for her... My husband is Nigerian I'm black and there's no way I would put up with that.... I have to say when I was in Nigeria they had brought me some food to eat and my husband went outside for something and I started to eat and when he came back in the house he said what are you doing I said eating he said why I said because I'm hungry and his family looked at him and laughed . He said in africa the man eats first I told him that he'd better get a fork and get started because he race had already started he laughed and we ate... His cousin said in some families the women cooks the food and bows before her husband with the food and he taste it and if it's okay then the woman can eat, so I got down on my knees with the food they had brought me and offered him some, he laughed so hard he couldn't eat he told me number 1 this is take out food not prepared by you and number two you look pitiful.... We laughed the rest of the evening about it.

[Divine Mercy 0]

Actually I believe the irish woman is actually correct...... everything she stated is not far from the truth in most relationships. I know that God has blessed me with the type of may that I have. my closest friend (a nigerian female) is in a similar relationship to what is mentioned in the first post, but she wants her marriage as is, so who am I too judge.

There is some good in it but there's some things in here I just can't tolerate.

Many times we have to pray the Serenity Prayer and know that God will handle everything. So to end this I say...... If anyone can not completely respect and submit to their man before marrage, maybe they need more time.

For those who are curious my naija man is comparable to the white man in the earlier post( and a king all the way) and I respect him just the way he is.

To say there are some things that I can't tolerate does not mean that I don't completely respect him. The way the Nairaland poster phrased things makes me wonder how honest and trustworthy her husband actually is.

Why would he be taking a vacation/"holiday" without his family?

Why would he be upset if she looked at his phone?

Why would he be upset if she asked where he had been?

Sounds to me like Mr. Naija has something to hide.

I would not tolerate my husband taking a vacation without me and the kids. His family is his first priority.

I would not look at his phone and if I ever felt there was a need to, we would have much bigger issues than whether or not I checked up on him.

I shouldn't NEED to ask my husband where he is. If he's got nothing to hide, he'll be forthcoming.. "hey honey I'm going to the store/game/whatever" I wouldn’t question it. Again, if I did, we'd have MUCH bigger issues than my asking about his whereabouts.

How would my husband feel if I went out with my "friends" and disappeared for hours and threw a hissy fit if he asked where I had been? I wouldn't. As a mother, I belong at home with my family. That is NOT to say a woman can't visit her girlfriends for dinner or a movie. There is a limit and you all know that. Don't stay out till 3am every Friday night after work. What do you need happy hour for if you have a husband and children waiting at home to be with you?

She even makes excuses as to why he lacks in affection.

Sounds like she's living with her boss not her companion who she entered into a sacred covenant with. God said the two become ONE FLESH. Eve was made as his helper not his servant. There is a difference. The bible does let us know that we should humble ourselves and treat our men with respect. The Bible does NOT tell us that God wants us to be stripped of dignity living with a man who has secrets or uses us as slaves.

I respect my husband as a man. I recognize we each have gender specific roles as given to us by our Creator who designed us. I want my husband to be happy and if that means he never has to wash a dish or change a diaper, I'm happy with that. But I do expect the same in return. It makes ME happy to be affectionate in the privacy of our own bedroom. It makes me happy to work together raising our family and it makes me happy to enjoy free time together.

Sounds like this lady wanted all those things but learned to stop asking for them.

[Divine Mercy 0]

... he said what are you doing I said eating he said why I said because I'm hungry and his family looked at him and laughed . He said in africa the man eats first I told him that he'd better get a fork and get started because he race had already started he laughed and we ate...

LOL that's hysterical

[Osakeme 0]

There is some good in it but there's some things in here I just can't tolerate.

- I actually agreed with you on this

Sounds to me like Mr. Naija has something to hide.

-if read carefully, I stated he is more like the supposed white man than the african man steryotype.

Why would he be taking a vacation/"holiday" without his family?

Why would he be upset if she looked at his phone?

Why would he be upset if she asked where he had been?

- we both agree with you on this

The bible does let us know that we should humble ourselves and treat our men with respect. The Bible does NOT tell us that God wants us to be stripped of dignity living with a man who has secrets or uses us as slaves.

-This is very true and the the Bible states that the husband should love his wife as christ loved the church. Christ died for the church. My naija man understands this responsibility and treats me accordingly.

A womans heart is a deep ocean of secrets...............

My earlier post was just to give a different flavor as I see worked........

I have dated a man that matched the list posted in the first post so I am extremely greatful for the man that found his wife in me.

I just believe differnt strokes for different folks..... so as I said if anyone can not respect and submit to their man just the way he is, maybe they need more time.

[Queen Jenn 0]

".. my dear they are not known to be romantic (thats not to say he doesn't love you though) they are macho a bit like some south american men also. Therefore they are not 'soft' men like the white man who believe in candle lit dinners and caressing and hugging and kissing in public. Nigerian men are raised to be very strong men unlike white men who will jump to the white womans beck and call. Thats not to say they are not good men. They have difficulty in being romantic (unless they really have to be) becasue being romantic might damage their strong male super ego. They like to be the head of the family also and are raised to be the breadwinners of the family but plenty of nigeiran ladies work also nowawdays. If I were you I would not question him about the romance bit. You must have a religion and take all of your children to place of worship keep em interested, dress up, stay slim, change your hairstyle, don't raise your voice higher than your husbands. Don't disrespect him by 'jeering' him in front of his friends, don't comment on the size of his manhood or belly or speak openly about sex, Don't drink, don't smoke becuase he won't like that either. Don't challenge his decisions, goals, ambitions etc. Do not tell him 'no youre not going away on holidays without me' - let him go he knows were his matrimonal home is Grin. Do not reiterate I AM YOUR WIFE your darling baby knows that. Do not ask him to change diapers. Do not ask him to wash dishes, esp in front of other men. Do NOT be domineering. Do not talk too much. make sure the hallway is clear for him when he enters home .."

That's a HUGE LOAD OF #######!!!!!!!!! My SO is VERY romantic. And he enjoys hugging, caressing and kissing in public. And STAYING slim? I've NEVER BEEN slim and he told me he LOVES my figure and doesn't want me to change anything!!! And, he already washes dishes and told me he would be happy to get up with a baby and change diapers. And, by the way, I NEVER knew a white man who would jump at my beck and call. Humph!!!

While these things may work for this woman, almost none of it applies to my relationship. My SO is soooo caring, soft, thoughtful, romantic, loving, etc.

My opinion is that each relationship is DIFFERENT. Even if both partners were raised in the U.S., each individual home has different ideas, values and practices. We all need to find out what works in our own relationships. It takes work, practice and patience. But because each marriage is different, there is no ONE WAY to do things. There is no ONE WAY to make a Nigerian man happy because they are all different.

[Osakeme 0]

My opinion is that each relationship is DIFFERENT. Even if both partners were raised in the U.S., each individual home has different ideas, values and practices. We all need to find out what works in our own relationships. It takes work, practice and patience. But because each marriage is different, there is no ONE WAY to do things. There is no ONE WAY to make a Nigerian man happy because they are all different.

My sista you said it rite

[HBO 0]

I was reading different things in Nairaland just to amuse myself and I came across something an Irish lady wrote about being married to a Nigerian. She was giving advice on how to make a marriage work between a Nigerian and a white lady.

There have been similar discussions in here about things of this nature, nothing quite this extreme, thought i'd get your opinions on it. I don't think it has to pertain to a Nigerian man being married to a white woman per se, but an African man married to a Western woman.

There is some good in it but there's some things in here I just can't tolerate.

"tell you how to make it work I am an irish lady married to a nigerian man for four years now. I say learn about his culture, don't get impregnated before marrige, ask of his families and hope they are all well, respect him, cook his food for him and hand it to him, make sure the place is very clean at all times, give him sex when he wants it, don't ask him lots of questions about his whereabouts, don't let him catch you looking in his phone, don't nag him, treat him like a king and you will have a marriage made in heaven."

".. my dear they are not known to be romantic (thats not to say he doesn't love you though) they are macho a bit like some south american men also. Therefore they are not 'soft' men like the white man who believe in candle lit dinners and caressing and hugging and kissing in public. Nigerian men are raised to be very strong men unlike white men who will jump to the white womans beck and call. Thats not to say they are not good men. They have difficulty in being romantic (unless they really have to be) becasue being romantic might damage their strong male super ego. They like to be the head of the family also and are raised to be the breadwinners of the family but plenty of nigeiran ladies work also nowawdays. If I were you I would not question him about the romance bit. You must have a religion and take all of your children to place of worship keep em interested, dress up, stay slim, change your hairstyle, don't raise your voice higher than your husbands. Don't disrespect him by 'jeering' him in front of his friends, don't comment on the size of his manhood or belly or speak openly about sex, Don't drink, don't smoke becuase he won't like that either. Don't challenge his decisions, goals, ambitions etc. Do not tell him 'no youre not going away on holidays without me' - let him go he knows were his matrimonal home is Grin. Do not reiterate I AM YOUR WIFE your darling baby knows that. Do not ask him to change diapers. Do not ask him to wash dishes, esp in front of other men. Do NOT be domineering. Do not talk too much. make sure the hallway is clear for him when he enters home .."

WOW! I need to cancel my wedding plans. Dang and I have a lovely dress and the wedding planner was free. Boo hoo

[forchika 4]

I was reading different things in Nairaland just to amuse myself and I came across something an Irish lady wrote about being married to a Nigerian. She was giving advice on how to make a marriage work between a Nigerian and a white lady.

There have been similar discussions in here about things of this nature, nothing quite this extreme, thought i'd get your opinions on it. I don't think it has to pertain to a Nigerian man being married to a white woman per se, but an African man married to a Western woman.

There is some good in it but there's some things in here I just can't tolerate.

"tell you how to make it work I am an irish lady married to a nigerian man for four years now. I say learn about his culture, don't get impregnated before marrige, ask of his families and hope they are all well, respect him, cook his food for him and hand it to him, make sure the place is very clean at all times, give him sex when he wants it, don't ask him lots of questions about his whereabouts, don't let him catch you looking in his phone, don't nag him, treat him like a king and you will have a marriage made in heaven."

".. my dear they are not known to be romantic (thats not to say he doesn't love you though) they are macho a bit like some south american men also. Therefore they are not 'soft' men like the white man who believe in candle lit dinners and caressing and hugging and kissing in public. Nigerian men are raised to be very strong men unlike white men who will jump to the white womans beck and call. Thats not to say they are not good men. They have difficulty in being romantic (unless they really have to be) becasue being romantic might damage their strong male super ego. They like to be the head of the family also and are raised to be the breadwinners of the family but plenty of nigeiran ladies work also nowawdays. If I were you I would not question him about the romance bit. You must have a religion and take all of your children to place of worship keep em interested, dress up, stay slim, change your hairstyle, don't raise your voice higher than your husbands. Don't disrespect him by 'jeering' him in front of his friends, don't comment on the size of his manhood or belly or speak openly about sex, Don't drink, don't smoke becuase he won't like that either. Don't challenge his decisions, goals, ambitions etc. Do not tell him 'no youre not going away on holidays without me' - let him go he knows were his matrimonal home is Grin. Do not reiterate I AM YOUR WIFE your darling baby knows that. Do not ask him to change diapers. Do not ask him to wash dishes, esp in front of other men. Do NOT be domineering. Do not talk too much. make sure the hallway is clear for him when he enters home .."

I do not agree with everything she said" there is no way I would adhere to some of those things. I like my view " treat me the way you want to be treated ", if you can do it, "I can do it too". I have to disagree about the affectionate part I happen to have a husband who is affectionate also and does not mind being romantic in public and as far as cooking and serving food he will cook and serve me and feed me too, says that in his home growing up his father would not eat out and his mother would not eat until his dad came home for dinner. I do however believe he thinks he is not supposed to do house work but, will wash the dishes ,take out the trash and clean the bathroom occasionally. That''s okay because I like things neat and tidy. I can recall him changing a diaper- his sister left to go some where and it was just us there with his niece and he changed her, put that diaper on just as good as I could. In closing respect is mutual " you have to give it........ in order to receive it, you should be able to meet in the middle on some issues.

She sounds like an american day slave to me. Wow... I feel sorry for her... My husband is Nigerian I'm black and there's no way I would put up with that.... I have to say when I was in Nigeria they had brought me some food to eat and my husband went outside for something and I started to eat and when he came back in the house he said what are you doing I said eating he said why I said because I'm hungry and his family looked at him and laughed . He said in africa the man eats first I told him that he'd better get a fork and get started because he race had already started he laughed and we ate... His cousin said in some families the women cooks the food and bows before her husband with the food and he taste it and if it's okay then the woman can eat, so I got down on my knees with the food they had brought me and offered him some, he laughed so hard he couldn't eat he told me number 1 this is take out food not prepared by you and number two you look pitiful.... We laughed the rest of the evening about it.

[BIG_O 0]

...I say learn about his culture...

That seems like to me like a smart thing to do...

...don't get impregnated before marrige...

I would not advise anyone to have babies out of wedlock. Call me old fashioned...

...ask of his families and hope they are all well...

I don't think that asking someone how their folks back home are doing, and hoping that the news is good, is such a dangerous concept...

...respect him...

I would advise any individual to respect their spouse. Not doing so is just uncivilized...

...cook his food for him and hand it to him...

Broad statement. Does not specify how often... Definitely does not imply kneeling on all four and placing the plate on ones back so that the husband may eat!

...Make sure the place is very clean at all times...

Does this really mean clean after him? That's not what I understood.

...give him sex when he wants it...

Poorly stated in my opinion. Perhaps better stated as: please do not use sex as reward system in your marriage. That is not what intimacy in a marriage is all about.

...don't ask him lots of questions about his whereabouts...

I understood this to mean Do not interrogate him, everytime he is out of your sight...

...don't let him catch you looking in his phone...

Why would you want to do that?

... don't nag him...

Please name one human being that would like to be subject to that...

...treat him like a king and you will have a marriage made in heaven...

OK. Last I checked, a slave does not stand by a King. A Queen does.

".. my dear they are not known to be romantic (thats not to say he doesn't love you though) they are macho a bit like some south american men also. Therefore they are not 'soft' men like the white man who believe in candle lit dinners and caressing and hugging and kissing in public...

Very poorly stated. The race based stereotype simply obliterates the point. So, let us dismiss the useless racial illustration. We all agree that it has no foundation. However, I believe that there is some validity to the idea that no man is born a "romantic guy". It is something that is learned through one's observation of the relationships that surround us, TV, movies, books... In other words, there is a cultural influence in the way a man manifest affection towards his wife. In some cultures flowers and chocolate is a good thing. In others, not so much. In some cultures, public display of affection is encouraged, in others it is frowned upon...

...Nigerian men are raised to be very strong men unlike white men who will jump to the white womans beck and call. Thats not to say they are not good men. They have difficulty in being romantic (unless they really have to be) becasue being romantic might damage their strong male super ego...

I am not a Nigerian man, so I will refrain from commenting on this one.

...They like to be the head of the family also and are raised to be the breadwinners of the family but plenty of nigeiran ladies work also nowawdays...

Ah yes. Economics. Touchy topic. I will leave this one alone for the simple fact that African Immigration to the US (I'm excluding slavery, of course...) is a fairly recent event. Some of the challenges faced with the economic arrangement in a married household today (one with a African husband) are similar, in my opinion to challenges faced by earlier immigrant, who mind you also came from corners of this world where men were raised to be providers.

People, we all have sensitivities. Let's not jump and scream bloody murder at the first sight of controversy. When you take a closer look, things don't always seem so inflammatory. Surely we can all agree that a man, is and always will be defined by a woman.

[Divine Mercy 0]

There is some good in it but there's some things in here I just can't tolerate.

- I actually agreed with you on this

Sounds to me like Mr. Naija has something to hide.

-if read carefully, I stated he is more like the supposed white man than the african man steryotype.

Why would he be taking a vacation/"holiday" without his family?

Why would he be upset if she looked at his phone?

Why would he be upset if she asked where he had been?

- we both agree with you on this

The bible does let us know that we should humble ourselves and treat our men with respect. The Bible does NOT tell us that God wants us to be stripped of dignity living with a man who has secrets or uses us as slaves.

-This is very true and the the Bible states that the husband should love his wife as christ loved the church. Christ died for the church. My naija man understands this responsibility and treats me accordingly.

A womans heart is a deep ocean of secrets...............

My earlier post was just to give a different flavor as I see worked........

I have dated a man that matched the list posted in the first post so I am extremely greatful for the man that found his wife in me.

I just believe differnt strokes for different folks..... so as I said if anyone can not respect and submit to their man just the way he is, maybe they need more time.

I hope you didn't take offense at what I wrote, I was actually agreeing with you as well

You have very valid points. A marriage through Christ is a sacred thing .

[Divine Mercy 0]

...I say learn about his culture...

That seems like to me like a smart thing to do...

...don't get impregnated before marrige...

I would not advise anyone to have babies out of wedlock. Call me old fashioned...

...ask of his families and hope they are all well...

I don't think that asking someone how their folks back home are doing, and hoping that the news is good, is such a dangerous concept...

...respect him...

I would advise any individual to respect their spouse. Not doing so is just uncivilized...

...cook his food for him and hand it to him...

Broad statement. Does not specify how often... Definitely does not imply kneeling on all four and placing the plate on ones back so that the husband may eat!

...Make sure the place is very clean at all times...

Does this really mean clean after him? That's not what I understood.

...give him sex when he wants it...

Poorly stated in my opinion. Perhaps better stated as: please do not use sex as reward system in your marriage. That is not what intimacy in a marriage is all about.

...don't ask him lots of questions about his whereabouts...

I understood this to mean Do not interrogate him, everytime he is out of your sight...

...don't let him catch you looking in his phone...

Why would you want to do that?

... don't nag him...

Please name one human being that would like to be subject to that...

...treat him like a king and you will have a marriage made in heaven...

OK. Last I checked, a slave does not stand by a King. A Queen does.

".. my dear they are not known to be romantic (thats not to say he doesn't love you though) they are macho a bit like some south american men also. Therefore they are not 'soft' men like the white man who believe in candle lit dinners and caressing and hugging and kissing in public...

Very poorly stated. The race based stereotype simply obliterates the point. So, let us dismiss the useless racial illustration. We all agree that it has no foundation. However, I believe that there is some validity to the idea that no man is born a "romantic guy". It is something that is learned through one's observation of the relationships that surround us, TV, movies, books... In other words, there is a cultural influence in the way a man manifest affection towards his wife. In some cultures flowers and chocolate is a good thing. In others, not so much. In some cultures, public display of affection is encouraged, in others it is frowned upon...

...Nigerian men are raised to be very strong men unlike white men who will jump to the white womans beck and call. Thats not to say they are not good men. They have difficulty in being romantic (unless they really have to be) becasue being romantic might damage their strong male super ego...

I am not a Nigerian man, so I will refrain from commenting on this one.

...They like to be the head of the family also and are raised to be the breadwinners of the family but plenty of nigeiran ladies work also nowawdays...

Ah yes. Economics. Touchy topic. I will leave this one alone for the simple fact that African Immigration to the US (I'm excluding slavery, of course...) is a fairly recent event. Some of the challenges faced with the economic arrangement in a married household today (one with a African husband) are similar, in my opinion to challenges faced by earlier immigrant, who mind you also came from corners of this world where men were raised to be providers.

People, we all have sensitivities. Let's not jump and scream bloody murder at the first sight of controversy. When you take a closer look, things don't always seem so inflammatory. Surely we can all agree that a man, is and always will be defined by a woman.

True true true.

I appreciate the way you worded this.. "I believe that there is some validity to the idea that no man is born a "romantic guy". It is something that is learned through one's observation of the relationships that surround us, TV, movies, books... In other words, there is a cultural influence in the way a man manifest affection towards his wife. In some cultures flowers and chocolate is a good thing. In others, not so much. In some cultures, public display of affection is encouraged, in others it is frowned upon..."

And, by the way, I NEVER knew a white man who would jump at my beck and call. Humph!!!

I know, right?

[Y's_habibitk 2]

This lady's spine called, it was looking for her.

[Ta Ta 1]

I also think the woman used poor expression with her choice of words. Some of it is way out there and I agree it looks like he had something to hide. Transparency seems to be lacking.

I recently met a couple, he Nigerian, she white American.

I was delighted to meet them at this wedding reception and told both about my African fiance and phone numbers were exchanged.

Then she asked me if my fiance also had to be married 3 times traditionally before he could marry me

I said no. She insisted that was the way his culture dictated it and only then could they marry.

He in the meantime started to distance himself rather quickly from me, I assume because he knew that I knew he was full of it.

I did not feel it was my place to educate her on her mans culture and tell her the truth so I just said oh ok.

I never called them.

How on earth does someone just take every word as gold without truly researching the culture for themselves ?

It happens a lot. A man just has to say it is my culture therefore it entitles me to do this and that and therefore you must do this and that and the woman says oh ok, after all it is your culture.

Why do some woman not research the culture and express and communicate expectations early on ?

My fiance and I have discussed cultural issues in depths along with his and my expectations as man and wife.

I told him I will never be an African woman and ask if he can accept my western ways as I will accept some of his ways.

I also told him that he is the very first man in my life that I CHOSE to submit myself under because of his kind heart and trust.

I believe in many African villages woman are treated in the manner described in the post. I have seen a lot while in Sierra Leone.

Men go out by themselves or in groups while the woman stay home. Woman retreat when men strike up a conversation and huddle in the background and dare not speak on the subject......this was in the city.

If it works for them and they are happy then good for them.

However when a man or woman for that matter immigrate here and marry into our western culture he/she should compromise, adapt and

think outside the box a little. I am willing to also adapt to some of his ways to make him happy. Whatever works and is acceptable for both partners to grow in harmony. It should not be demanded as cultural entitlement but discussed in love and understanding.

Kindness, love and mutual respect to please one another. A blending of the two into one.

The old saying..........treat him like a king and he will treat you like a queen comes to mind.

Somehow the woman who this topic is about was not treated like a queen it seems, although she treats him like a king.

I am babbling......

[JJWashington 0]

As always, very well said Omoba!!!