trust issues

[mybackpages 0]

It is most definitely dependent on each individual relationship. No one can tell you that you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing. Of course it's very hard to look at your own relationship objectively, but if you're asking the question, then there's something telling you that something is wrong for you, in your particular situation.

If you have all the money in the world, and don't mind giving your money away so he can live in Italy, then that works for you... but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

That being said, I don't think it bodes well for your relationship for you to tell him you're going to "cut him off" - that sounds more like a parent/child relationship to me, and it sounds like a threat. I think having an adult conversation with him about it would be prudent, along with halting any funds you are sending him for the time being.

BP you are so much more eloquent than me!!!!

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

I absolutely agree! I guess what is bothering me is that there are all these blanket statements about how "myman is a good man because he _________". If it were that easy to distinguish the good men from the bad ones, we wouldnt see so many women get duped around here.

I worry about the VJ member who is reading all this oversimplified (and sometimes misleading) posts and starts to doubt her own judgement because her fiance/husband doesnt conform to the accepted VJ MENA behavior and he really is a god guy.

he's the one with the halo

[SaadBell 0]

If my man waited for me to do something, well he would be waiting. I do try to do things, he asked me the other day to get an attorney, in my defense I did look at a few names. Hesham knows me and has hire the attorney while I was still looking at the names. Than I am flying soon to Kuwait, so being a good wife, I send him some flights, I think he was not impressed with the 9 hour layover in Amsterdam. Look like a good plan to me, but I know my old man and he right away took the plans in his own hands. I have to say I am just really lucky to have a husband that takes over this kind of stuff. He does the work that requires brains and i am for presentation. I am great at my professional life, but when it comes to personal life, I have to say I am bad, so I had to have a man take over that kind of thing. I would say that if you are ok with doing all the work and happy than let it stand. If you don't like that kind of thing, find someone who will do at least a little work with you, and if you are like me and a damn mess, just find a man who will take good care of you. I do things, like call him at 2 in the morning to tell him I love him, he really loves that. I use to try to be something that I was not, and of course that didn't do so well. I say whatever floats your boat, and if you are happy than who cares what the world thinks. I know once he is here, my job will become main topic, he hates the fact that I work, and work with men even makes it wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy worst. Oh well just be happy and do what you think is right. No one should call anyone names here, if you want to support a man than hey do it, and if you want a man to support you, than do it, and if you both want to share, here again do it. It really is up to the couples, for us, he takes care of the visa business, and plane tickets and all that other stuff, I read up on serial killers hoping one day to work with them in a maximum lock down, at least interview them. I do have another dream, live in Amsterdam one day.

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I've lost all respect for you.

I sure hope no one means to, but posters sure seem to be implying in this thread that if there is an exchange of money that there mus t be something wrong with the man.

Sure, there are a lot of scammers out there and women are being duped. BUT sending money in and of itself does not signal a flawed relationship. All the boasting about how my hsbands doesnt take money - what does that prove?

My thoughts exactly. Sorry to be so crude but it's like a P!ssing contest amoung some women on here about who's husband spent the most on them and who's never took money when times were tough. That's not really the way I would measure a man. Some people's men say that a middle eastern man who would take money from a woman are less than a man, yet those same men are chatting with 16 year old girls on the internet..not exactly the type of person I want to take advice from.

The point of my question is that I know most of the men who live in the poorer countries, (Kuwait appears to have no citizens below poverty level according to the cia guideline, though I don't know how up to date that is), also live with their parents. Is it that big of an achievement to pay for thier fiance/wife when they really have no other responsibilities? Not imho.

Again, I think you have to judge each situation individually and look at ALL the facts. You can just broadsweep and say that if a mena man takes money from his wife then he is less than a man. What happens when he comes to the US and pays it all back and then some? Did he suddenly move up to a "real" man? I know men who pay for everything and they're cheatin' lyin' sob's. You have to look at the entire picture.

That's all I'm saying. Some may come on here and read this stuff and rethink their relationship because *gasp* they sent their husband about $200 one time when things were rough. All because some people on a message board say that they never sent money and their husbands/fiances would never take it. I know for a fact at least one of the women on this thread is lying. Why? To make others on here think you're all that 'cause your husband never took money from you? Honestly who gives a sh!t what other people think? It's YOUR relationship and quite frankly if you're old enough to have traveled and gotten married I *think* you're old enough to know when something smells fishy and when something is authentic. If not then oh well I guess you'll learn a lesson (hopefully) but please don't make a decision based on what some people here and on other boards say. People are not always what they make themselves out to be.

[SandyNJack 5]

Just letting you know what my fiance is like with me. He NEVER let's me send him money. Even when I go to visit, he does not let me pay for anything but the gifts I bring home to my family and friends. He pays for eveything else we do, traveling, tourism and food. He always make sure I have bottled water and diet pepsi. lol

It is strange because you do not want to be taken advantage of but at the same time you want to help the one you love.

Just out of curiosity does your fiance live at home or does he have his own place?

He lives with his parents but does contibute to the household and pays for his own bills, ex: cell phone.

I was not trying to pee any more than the next woman only give he MY experiance with MY fiance. Seems as though we have hit button with some.

[~Jackie~ 30]

'cheatin, lying, SOB's' That just made me laugh.

Jackie

[mybackpages 0]

I was not trying to pee any more than the next woman only give he MY experiance with MY fiance. Seems as though we have hit button with some.

It's not your experience posted that sent us over the edge

[Carolyn 1]

This is obviously a difficult subject for many of us.

I sent money to my then-fiance when he was in Morocco. Not a lot, but enough to cover immigration expenses, his plane ticket here, and a few other times. When I visited him, I paid for our traveling (hotels, taxis, restaurants, etc.). I paid because we were doing things that were not within his budget--stuff I, as an American, take for granted. Could he support my holiday lifestyle on $2-300 a month (a decent salary in Morocco)? No way.

Was it a red flag? At times I had my doubts, but it hasn't been a warning of terrible financial things later in our married life.

Sure, when he got to the US he wasn't able to work for 9 months and I supported both of us. However, when he was able to get a job, he did. He has now worked full-time for nearly 2 years at the same place. He helps with the bills--he doesn't pay as much as I do, but he still only makes about 1/2 my salary. He is working on building his credit and learning about finances in America. It has been challenging--I won't lie, but we're constantly learning.

Let's be honest: many of us start our relationships on uneven financial grounds. We live in the RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. Most of us married someone or are engaged to someone from a developing country. To expect that they will not take anything from us or even pay for us is crazy, IMHO. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt many men believe that they are "using" their American wives/fiances for money.

Similarly, if you are marrying someone from a developing country, expect that in your future you will regularly be sending money to your habib's family. My husband feels that it is his OBLIGATION as a son to send his parents money several times a year. Even when it seems like we can hardly pay our bills we do it. At first I was a bit resentful, but I think I now have a more gracious way of dealing with this cultural difference.

I hope what I just wrote makes sense...

Carolyn

[mybackpages 0]

This is obviously a difficult subject for many of us.

I sent money to my then-fiance when he was in Morocco. Not a lot, but enough to cover immigration expenses, his plane ticket here, and a few other times. When I visited him, I paid for our traveling (hotels, taxis, restaurants, etc.). I paid because we were doing things that were not within his budget--stuff I, as an American, take for granted. Could he support my holiday lifestyle on $2-300 a month (a decent salary in Morocco)? No way.

Was it a red flag? At times I had my doubts, but it hasn't been a warning of terrible financial things later in our married life.

Sure, when he got to the US he wasn't able to work for 9 months and I supported both of us. However, when he was able to get a job, he did. He has now worked full-time for nearly 2 years at the same place. He helps with the bills--he doesn't pay as much as I do, but he still only makes about 1/2 my salary. He is working on building his credit and learning about finances in America. It has been challenging--I won't lie, but we're constantly learning.

Let's be honest: many of us start our relationships on uneven financial grounds. We live in the RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. Most of us married someone or are engaged to someone from a developing country. To expect that they will not take anything from us or even pay for us is crazy, IMHO. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt many men believe that they are "using" their American wives/fiances for money.

Similarly, if you are marrying someone from a developing country, expect that in your future you will regularly be sending money to your habib's family. My husband feels that it is his OBLIGATION as a son to send his parents money several times a year. Even when it seems like we can hardly pay our bills we do it. At first I was a bit resentful, but I think I now have a more gracious way of dealing with this cultural difference.

I hope what I just wrote makes sense...

Carolyn

I think it makes a lot of sense and offers anice alternative view much needed here. Thank you.

[doodlebug 3]

I beg your pardon but I think that is directed at the wrong person....*I* am not the one you should have lost respect for and if you didn't want to hear this than perhaps you should not have posted your husband's thoughts on the matter, since obviously they were bound to illicit some responses.

I've lost all respect for you.

I sure hope no one means to, but posters sure seem to be implying in this thread that if there is an exchange of money that there mus t be something wrong with the man.

Sure, there are a lot of scammers out there and women are being duped. BUT sending money in and of itself does not signal a flawed relationship. All the boasting about how my hsbands doesnt take money - what does that prove?

My thoughts exactly. Sorry to be so crude but it's like a P!ssing contest amoung some women on here about who's husband spent the most on them and who's never took money when times were tough. That's not really the way I would measure a man. Some people's men say that a middle eastern man who would take money from a woman are less than a man, yet those same men are chatting with 16 year old girls on the internet..not exactly the type of person I want to take advice from.

The point of my question is that I know most of the men who live in the poorer countries, (Kuwait appears to have no citizens below poverty level according to the cia guideline, though I don't know how up to date that is), also live with their parents. Is it that big of an achievement to pay for thier fiance/wife when they really have no other responsibilities? Not imho.

Again, I think you have to judge each situation individually and look at ALL the facts. You can just broadsweep and say that if a mena man takes money from his wife then he is less than a man. What happens when he comes to the US and pays it all back and then some? Did he suddenly move up to a "real" man? I know men who pay for everything and they're cheatin' lyin' sob's. You have to look at the entire picture.

That's all I'm saying. Some may come on here and read this stuff and rethink their relationship because *gasp* they sent their husband about $200 one time when things were rough. All because some people on a message board say that they never sent money and their husbands/fiances would never take it. I know for a fact at least one of the women on this thread is lying. Why? To make others on here think you're all that 'cause your husband never took money from you? Honestly who gives a sh!t what other people think? It's YOUR relationship and quite frankly if you're old enough to have traveled and gotten married I *think* you're old enough to know when something smells fishy and when something is authentic. If not then oh well I guess you'll learn a lesson (hopefully) but please don't make a decision based on what some people here and on other boards say. People are not always what they make themselves out to be.

This is obviously a difficult subject for many of us.

I sent money to my then-fiance when he was in Morocco. Not a lot, but enough to cover immigration expenses, his plane ticket here, and a few other times. When I visited him, I paid for our traveling (hotels, taxis, restaurants, etc.). I paid because we were doing things that were not within his budget--stuff I, as an American, take for granted. Could he support my holiday lifestyle on $2-300 a month (a decent salary in Morocco)? No way.

Was it a red flag? At times I had my doubts, but it hasn't been a warning of terrible financial things later in our married life.

Sure, when he got to the US he wasn't able to work for 9 months and I supported both of us. However, when he was able to get a job, he did. He has now worked full-time for nearly 2 years at the same place. He helps with the bills--he doesn't pay as much as I do, but he still only makes about 1/2 my salary. He is working on building his credit and learning about finances in America. It has been challenging--I won't lie, but we're constantly learning.

Let's be honest: many of us start our relationships on uneven financial grounds. We live in the RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. Most of us married someone or are engaged to someone from a developing country. To expect that they will not take anything from us or even pay for us is crazy, IMHO. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt many men believe that they are "using" their American wives/fiances for money.

Similarly, if you are marrying someone from a developing country, expect that in your future you will regularly be sending money to your habib's family. My husband feels that it is his OBLIGATION as a son to send his parents money several times a year. Even when it seems like we can hardly pay our bills we do it. At first I was a bit resentful, but I think I now have a more gracious way of dealing with this cultural difference.

I hope what I just wrote makes sense...

Carolyn

very nice post, thank you.

[ya falaha! 0]

Italy and Spain are full of illegals from Morocco. Theycant get a work permit so they work in the streets selling ####### and CD's/ They live six to a room....kinda of reminds me of the illegals here.

He couldnt even use the Consulate there is he wanted to.

you fell for a street vendor??

[*JG* 2]

I say trust you gut instinct. One of the "red flags" of the middle eastern relationship is asking for money and support....always having an excuse or "emergent" situation that requires your financial help. Only you however, can determine if this situation exsists. My SO lives in Egypt...has no work as of yet although has looked and never has "asked" for money. He'd never dream of it. Use your instincts.

This sort of thing happens in a lot of LDR's (period!) Trust your gut instinct is what I tell everyone.

[PetraPerson101 0]

* Whoops, quoted the wrong message. lol. ( nevermind. )

But, I agree with melissahassan's post about her husband. I grew up in the culture, that's what I understand.

Edited November 12, 2007 by KyanWan

[Nutty 2]

This is obviously a difficult subject for many of us.

I sent money to my then-fiance when he was in Morocco. Not a lot, but enough to cover immigration expenses, his plane ticket here, and a few other times. When I visited him, I paid for our traveling (hotels, taxis, restaurants, etc.). I paid because we were doing things that were not within his budget--stuff I, as an American, take for granted. Could he support my holiday lifestyle on $2-300 a month (a decent salary in Morocco)? No way.

Was it a red flag? At times I had my doubts, but it hasn't been a warning of terrible financial things later in our married life.

Sure, when he got to the US he wasn't able to work for 9 months and I supported both of us. However, when he was able to get a job, he did. He has now worked full-time for nearly 2 years at the same place. He helps with the bills--he doesn't pay as much as I do, but he still only makes about 1/2 my salary. He is working on building his credit and learning about finances in America. It has been challenging--I won't lie, but we're constantly learning.

Let's be honest: many of us start our relationships on uneven financial grounds. We live in the RICHEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. Most of us married someone or are engaged to someone from a developing country. To expect that they will not take anything from us or even pay for us is crazy, IMHO. Maybe I'm wrong, but I doubt many men believe that they are "using" their American wives/fiances for money.

Similarly, if you are marrying someone from a developing country, expect that in your future you will regularly be sending money to your habib's family. My husband feels that it is his OBLIGATION as a son to send his parents money several times a year. Even when it seems like we can hardly pay our bills we do it. At first I was a bit resentful, but I think I now have a more gracious way of dealing with this cultural difference.

I hope what I just wrote makes sense...

Carolyn

I agree with a lot of what you said, you can't expect your husband to pay for you if he is on such a limited salary. But on the flip side, there are some men who will take advantage of the situation.

I disagree with you that the US is the RICHEST COUNTRY IN WORLD, though. The dollar is going down and we have a humongous deficit and most americans are living way beyond their means. The US is going down the tubes.

[kerewin21 2]

Italy and Spain are full of illegals from Morocco. Theycant get a work permit so they work in the streets selling ####### and CD's/ They live six to a room....kinda of reminds me of the illegals here.

He couldnt even use the Consulate there is he wanted to.

you fell for a street vendor??

Sheesh....

Anyway, I agree with Carolyn. No, I never sent any money to my husband before he came here, and he didn't ask. But if he'd needed help with something, I would have. We're partners in all things. I think paying someone's rent is a bit much, but if there is an emergency, of course you're going to help. And when we traveled together in his country before he came here, I paid for it. He made about $200 a month, so after helping his mother with the house expenses, food, etc, he really only had enough to pay for his prepaid cell phone and occasionally go out for a cup of coffee.

When you're together, you're together, and your finances are joined. His family is my family, and if they need something we're going to help. I wouldn't make a blanket statement saying that someone asking for money is a "red flag."