Depression

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

My husband is in a total funk, and I have no clue about how to help him out of it. He has decided that the embassy is never going to call him. He feels that there is no way he is ever going to get the visa. I have said everything that I know to say to him to lift his spirits, all to no avail. His interview was on July 23rd, and he was given a 221g for further proof of the marriage and ongoing relationship. (Lawyers don't help much) The embassy received the documents on August 7, and other than one phone call to ask about his brothers and sisters, there has been no more communication from the embassy.

How can I help him to realize this is all just part of the process and these things take time. Any ideas on how I can lift him out of this depression? It has gotten so bad that it is now affecting me. I seem to be on the verge of tears most of the time, and that is just not my norm.

[chasnik 0]

As you saw from reading my blog, I had this problem the other day....but normally it is Mohammed. He gets down because of the wait...we are still at CSC. What Ive found works best with him is I will address the fact that he is down, talk to him about it for a minute then move away from it....After 5 minutes or so of "normal" conversation or me being stupid( such a chore lol) he snaps out of it somewhat. Sometimes we make lists...of things we want to do with the kids or just us when he gets here...then sometimes we online window shop for things for the house each sending the other links to sites that has things we like.

[Aymerlu 3]

Awww Tammy I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband went through the exact same thing. The one thing that actually helped my husband was when he came on VJ and looked at some of the timelines of others. He always felt he was the only person hung up in limbo and seeing others going through the same thing helped him. He also started talking to a husband of a fellow VJ'R who went through the same thing. It's hard when you are separated by thousands of miles. Just keep letting him know how much you love him, as I'm sure you do, and your love will get you through this.

Hugs

[MHS 0]

Tammy I know that you and your husband has been through so much and it is so hard for you both. Hassan and I have went through depression phases but for now though we are feeling really good about this process and we have been talking alot and joking with eachother which really helps and we also play pool together on yahoo messenger which kinda makes us feel like were playing beside eachother and not an ocean away. You and Ibraheem are in mine and Hassan's prayers, just hang in there and inshallah soon you will hear some good news from the embassy and Ibraheem will be on his way here and then you can put this visa nightmare behind you. Alhamdolellah!!

[Sand 5]

My husband is in a total funk, and I have no clue about how to help him out of it. He has decided that the embassy is never going to call him. He feels that there is no way he is ever going to get the visa. I have said everything that I know to say to him to lift his spirits, all to no avail. His interview was on July 23rd, and he was given a 221g for further proof of the marriage and ongoing relationship. (Lawyers don't help much) The embassy received the documents on August 7, and other than one phone call to ask about his brothers and sisters, there has been no more communication from the embassy.

How can I help him to realize this is all just part of the process and these things take time. Any ideas on how I can lift him out of this depression? It has gotten so bad that it is now affecting me. I seem to be on the verge of tears most of the time, and that is just not my norm.

i am so sorry to hear about this, he will get it insha'allah. just u need to take that depression away from u

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I read that "they" have proven if at the end of the day one thinks of three good things about that day no matter how bad it was and writes them down then one would have feelings of a more fullfilled happy life.

So many times we focus on the negative instead of extracting the positive from life because it is easier. Our desire to be done with the visa process counters the fact that we have found somebody to love and be together with and are willing to do anything to be together. It is the process that should be appriciated because it is life we chose.

Does an artist get upset when asked "How is the painting going" when they are not done yet? Does an artist complain "I am not done with the painting yet so I am getting so depressed?" Not generally. LOL

Maybe try suggesting to him to think of three good things about that day in his achievements so he is feeling lighter about the process.

Like my Husband and I do...for example:

Today:

Me

1) I got to see him on webcam.

2) The USCIS touched me even if it was for a change of address.

3) I made this totally amazing soup that I know he would love when here. He would think it is like his Aunt's food in Luxor.

Him

1) He finished another segment of training at the hosptial.

2) The military gave him a letter he would never serve 3 years it's either 1 or none.

3) He got to tell me he loved me today.

I hope this helps.

Edited September 4, 2007 by OlivianWaleed

[doodlebug 3]

We really hardly hardly ever talk about the visa. I think maybe once/month if that. Before when we were getting things prepared it was different but now that we're done with our part it basically never comes up. Maybe it's because he knows he cannot go anywhere until after Ramadan anyways so it really doesn't matter?

I think though what has helped was to educate him from the very beginning on how long things take. I have told him about some of the people on here so that he knows what to expect. Also he has a friend who immigrated to Canada with his wife and that took a year so I think that's been his benchmark all along, one year from start to finish. I think after that one year point he might get more anxious though. He does have his moments but not often because he knows that when he tells me about them I start to break down. I think he thinks I'm hanging by a thread so maybe he just doesn't talk to me about it. hahaha. I'm really not but there are times when I just get so fed up with the lack of information on what is going on with our case I just blow a gasket.

I"m not depressed though but also I have been on antidepressents for years. You might want to look into it for the two of you since it has helped many people who go through this process.

Try not to set any dates and try not to talk about it at all. I know that's very hard but seriously it works. We don't even talk about "to do" lists at all since even that could set us off. The only thing we HAVE talked about is the whole baby process but even that I try not to mention because it gets me frustrated.

REally sucks having your life on hold for an indefinite period of time.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

I am exactly in the situation your husband is in. Every day is full of trepidations, fear, anxiety, depression, catastrophic thinking. How do i cope? First I have my husband with me and that helps (unless I go koo-koo on him, which I often do); but this may sound silly -- these are the things that take most of the insanity off me:

1. Bad, bad, trash TV (I mean that - Dog the Bounty Hunter and the like take my mind off reality).

2.- Prayer, meditation and forcing myself to quiet my mind (a good book is the 3 Minute Meditator by the way)

3.- Reading a good book.

4.- Sleeping.

I feel for you - the demon of depression is common to more people than you imagine - I think 3 out of 10, but I'm no statistician.

Sending good vibes your way.

Comrade in anxiety, Len.

p.s. We can all send you the best of ideas, but the best idea is always to seek professional help. Always - they're pro's for a reason

[yassmine2878 1]

I remember those days, and they were horrible. There were times when Ahmed would get so blue, he'd tell me to just forget about him and cancel the visa altogether because the separation was more than he could bear. Sometimes I had to be downright mean and tell him in no uncertain terms that I wasnt going to throw in the towel just because things got hard. Many times this speech was just as much to bolster my own resolve as much as his. Scheduling a visit was always helpful. Even though its rather expensive, it was always worth every cent. Even looking for flights helped raise his spirits. Ironically, the last time I scheduled a visit to relieve the strain, his visa was approved 3 days after I purchased my ticket. Go figure. When visiting wasnt feasible, we used to send small care packages. Ahmed always seemed a bit more hopeful when he recieved some little something I had made. Whether it was homemade candies or a knitted hat, something tangible helped to connect us over the miles.

I am praying that you will get through this rough spot soon. We have all been there and sometimes we can do nothing more than wait with you and give you a place to vent, but we do understand.

[joelunchbox 0]

I read that "they" have proven if at the end of the day one thinks of three good things about that day no matter how bad it was and writes them down then one would have feelings of a more fullfilled happy life.

So many times we focus on the negative instead of extracting the positive from life because it is easier. Our desire to be done with the visa process counters the fact that we have found somebody to love and be together with and are willing to do anything to be together. It is the process that should be appriciated because it is life we chose.

Does an artist get upset when asked "How is the painting going" when they are not done yet? Does an artist complain "I am not done with the painting yet so I am getting so depressed?" Not generally. LOL

Maybe try suggesting to him to think of three good things about that day in his achievements so he is feeling lighter about the process.

Like my Husband and I do...for example:

Today:

Me

1) I got to see him on webcam.

2) The USCIS touched me even if it was for a change of address.

3) I made this totally amazing soup that I know he would love when here. He would think it is like his Aunt's food in Luxor.

Him

1) He finished another segment of training at the hosptial.

2) The military gave him a letter he would never serve 3 years it's either 1 or none.

3) He got to tell me he loved me today.

I hope this helps.

I like your post!! Very positive!

I might add, do something. I could be useful-clean, cut the grass, mentor, whatever but get out and do something. If your body is busy, your mind is less likely to wander. That reminds me, I need to cut the yard...

[doodlebug 3]

One or two mini mounds bars from a nearby coworker can perk you right up too!

[♥JP♥ 5]

One or two mini mounds bars from a nearby coworker can perk you right up too!

I think I gained about 12 lbs during the wait.. Chocolate worked really well for making me happy, temporarily...until the next piece.

[AUBGER 0]

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear that

Maybe it will help him feel better if you told him that every single person that is going through the process and every single couple going through a long distance relationship is depressed.

What helped me get out of my depression is Michael telling me that we're going to be together no matter what and no matter how much time it's going to take. He told me that nothing will stop us from being together...not even a refusal

[aj1 1]

I understand how you feel belive me i do. My love always ask me questions like this all the time and he is going crazy as well i try to tell him that he is not the only one going through this but at times he feels like he is. I know if we did not love each other as much as we do we could not have gotten through this. I tell him that all time that our love is getting us through this and he agrees but we will get through this soon its just being patient is the key. We try to do things to keep our minds off of it as much as possible recently we have been having lunch dates online together we set up a time where we can each lunch at the same time and talk on yahoo on our cameras it really helps and he calls me everyday too. As hard as it is to explain to them about this process really not much helps until they are reunited with us. Hang in there i pray we all get through this mess soon!!

AJ1

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

I read that "they" have proven if at the end of the day one thinks of three good things about that day no matter how bad it was and writes them down then one would have feelings of a more fullfilled happy life.

So many times we focus on the negative instead of extracting the positive from life because it is easier. Our desire to be done with the visa process counters the fact that we have found somebody to love and be together with and are willing to do anything to be together. It is the process that should be appriciated because it is life we chose.

Does an artist get upset when asked "How is the painting going" when they are not done yet? Does an artist complain "I am not done with the painting yet so I am getting so depressed?" Not generally. LOL

Maybe try suggesting to him to think of three good things about that day in his achievements so he is feeling lighter about the process.

Like my Husband and I do...for example:

Today:

Me

1) I got to see him on webcam.

2) The USCIS touched me even if it was for a change of address.

3) I made this totally amazing soup that I know he would love when here. He would think it is like his Aunt's food in Luxor.

Him

1) He finished another segment of training at the hosptial.

2) The military gave him a letter he would never serve 3 years it's either 1 or none.

3) He got to tell me he loved me today.

I hope this helps.

I like your post!! Very positive!

I might add, do something. I could be useful-clean, cut the grass, mentor, whatever but get out and do something. If your body is busy, your mind is less likely to wander. That reminds me, I need to cut the yard...

Hey Thx! And I agree with you. Our body affects our emotions and our emotions affect our mental capacity. It's a cycle and when one thing is out of balance then it all starts to goes out of balance.