MENA Abuse Poll~~Please keep in MENA

[peezey 0]

I can definately see that for whatever reason many people who were previously abused in non MENA relationships are now in MENA relationships per the poll.

However an issue with the data in the poll is that everyone who votes is supposed to be in a MENA relationship. Therefore the non-MENA relationship is their previous relationship. Which ended, in some cases for a reason like abuse. The current MENA relationships that people are in are in many cases beginning phases, people havent met yet, people havent brought their SO over yet, etc. Many MENA relationships that have ended because of abuse or anything else arent reflected here because the people may no longer post on the board.

Im not trying to infer anything, just thinking about how much we can trust the data if we are going to compare abuse in nonMENA vs MENA relationships.

You are right, this is definitely a problem with the poll, which we did think about, but there are also a few dozen women in this forum who don't regularly post but their husbands are here. So we hoped it would average out.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

I can definately see that for whatever reason many people who were previously abused in non MENA relationships are now in MENA relationships per the poll.

However an issue with the data in the poll is that everyone who votes is supposed to be in a MENA relationship. Therefore the non-MENA relationship is their previous relationship. Which ended, in some cases for a reason like abuse. The current MENA relationships that people are in are in many cases beginning phases, people havent met yet, people havent brought their SO over yet, etc. Many MENA relationships that have ended because of abuse or anything else arent reflected here because the people may no longer post on the board.

Im not trying to infer anything, just thinking about how much we can trust the data if we are going to compare abuse in nonMENA vs MENA relationships.

I thought it was pretty clear that the non-MENA relationship would be something *previous* to the one now, as this poll is for members with SOs from MENA (unless people are currently in multiple-partner relationships )

We do have a lot of members who are in the early stages of their visa journeys. But I just did an informal head count of our members who already have their SOs here, and I see a good 50 or more who stay active in this forum. So I think we are hearing from many of them as well in this poll. (For instance, I voted, and I know of several other "vets" who did as well.)

Even the best of polls aren't ever 100 % accurate, and yes this is a non-scientific VJ poll. But I still think there's some interesting data coming out. Food for thought, as they say....

-MK

[Caladan 19]

Most visa journeys we only hear about in the beginning stages. Compare the number of NOA2!!!! to 'we got our visa!!!!!' with 'as it turned out, he/she used me for a green card' or 'he/she turned abusive shortly after the marriage.' No one likes to tell the non-happily-ever-afters. That will skew the results a little, but it's hard to draw any conclusions from data that isn't there.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Most visa journeys we only hear about in the beginning stages. Compare the number of NOA2!!!! to 'we got our visa!!!!!' with 'as it turned out, he/she used me for a green card' or 'he/she turned abusive shortly after the marriage.' No one likes to tell the non-happily-ever-afters. That will skew the results a little, but it's hard to draw any conclusions from data that isn't there.

Well this is normally true of all the forums. But as you say, we can only go from what is there.

Several of our members ARE sharing their unhappy stories of abuse by MENA men (although under alternate screen names) -- they were probably prompted by recent events. It took a lot of courage for these women to step forward and tell their sad experiences, and I hope it will encourage others to do the same. (I would not be surprised if these members also voted in the poll.)

-MK

[Marriednow 4]

Hi Everyone,

With all the speculation going on lately, I think some hard numbers would be helpful.

The poll is anonymous, so please answer truthfully.

You can choose all types of abuse that apply to you.

You can answer the poll without adding a comment.

The poll is asking about committed relationship/spousal abuse only.

Hey Peezey--Never had to deal with this, thank God. I let em know beforehand, they lay a hand on me, I'll kick their butts!!! Actually, I wouldn't ever do physical stuff, but it never hurts for them to think that. I have a .38 left over from an ex hubby that I am gonna learn how to shoot, so I'm thinking Hamid will not try anything too cute. Not to make light of this, but I let him know beforehand, we don't hit and all that #######. Hope all is going ok with Dee. It will be interesting to see how this poll turns out...there are lots of abusers out there, men and women. Thanks for doing this. Debbie

[peezey 0]

The %'s aren't changing much, but I do see now there are 6 people who have been in abusive non-MENA/MENA relationships.

[peezey 0]

The emotional/verbal choice I guess can be very subjective. I would guess some women wouldn't necessarily recognize or identify with this kind of abuse for quite some time, especially if the relationship's communication style was already unhealthy (not sure if this is the right word). For instance, I would consider any sort of name calling verbal abuse, because that is utterly intolerable for me, but I can imagine others might engage in that and consider it a normal way to fight, and so verbal abuse wouldn't be considered until it reached some more-horrible level---maybe intimidation, threats, severe insults.

This is why everyone's tolerance/definition is different. I'm sure someone is asking what is a "severe insult"??

[doodlebug 3]

Hi Everyone,

With all the speculation going on lately, I think some hard numbers would be helpful.

The poll is anonymous, so please answer truthfully.

You can choose all types of abuse that apply to you.

You can answer the poll without adding a comment.

The poll is asking about committed relationship/spousal abuse only.

Hey Peezey--Never had to deal with this, thank God. I let em know beforehand, they lay a hand on me, I'll kick their butts!!! Actually, I wouldn't ever do physical stuff, but it never hurts for them to think that. I have a .38 left over from an ex hubby that I am gonna learn how to shoot, so I'm thinking Hamid will not try anything too cute. Not to make light of this, but I let him know beforehand, we don't hit and all that #######. Hope all is going ok with Dee. It will be interesting to see how this poll turns out...there are lots of abusers out there, men and women. Thanks for doing this. Debbie

Just a lil tidbit.....Dee also let him know all that beforehand and he swore he would never do such a thing......

Also I'd be careful with that gun 'cause it can always be used against you if you're not careful and the other person gets a hold of it. Guns make me very scared because they tend to give women a false sense of security where in reality in a split second it can be taken away from them and used against them.

[mybackpages 0]

Hi Everyone,

With all the speculation going on lately, I think some hard numbers would be helpful.

The poll is anonymous, so please answer truthfully.

You can choose all types of abuse that apply to you.

You can answer the poll without adding a comment.

The poll is asking about committed relationship/spousal abuse only.

Hey Peezey--Never had to deal with this, thank God. I let em know beforehand, they lay a hand on me, I'll kick their butts!!! Actually, I wouldn't ever do physical stuff, but it never hurts for them to think that. I have a .38 left over from an ex hubby that I am gonna learn how to shoot, so I'm thinking Hamid will not try anything too cute. Not to make light of this, but I let him know beforehand, we don't hit and all that #######. Hope all is going ok with Dee. It will be interesting to see how this poll turns out...there are lots of abusers out there, men and women. Thanks for doing this. Debbie

Just a lil tidbit.....Dee also let him know all that beforehand and he swore he would never do such a thing......

Also I'd be careful with that gun 'cause it can always be used against you if you're not careful and the other person gets a hold of it. Guns make me very scared because they tend to give women a false sense of security where in reality in a split second it can be taken away from them and used against them.

And those I KNOW some of the comments about handling an abusive SO with more violence is said in jest ("kick his butt" use my gun on him" etc), I find it a bit disheartening that our instinct is to use a term of violence to express our feelings about violence.

[Alhamdulillah 0]

I have a question for the women who were in an abusive relationship in the past and are now in a non-abusive relationship... do you ever find yourself examining every action and word of your current husband/fiance and analyzing it to death for "potential abusive behavior"?

[amrssnowangel 0]

I for one am one that repeated my mistakes. My first husband was emotionally and verbally abusive, physically abusive with the kids..and controling. My second husband I made the same mistakes. He didn't physically abuse ME but his son who lived with us and there was the control issues....he was so controlling. I made changes. I had to take time to find out what I needed in a man. Why I felt I didn't deserve better (this is just for me..not for all) and had to re-evaluate what I wanted and needed and be willing to be alone till I found him. Now, I have a wonderful man. I did look hard for signs of abuse in the getting to know you stage and I guess we never truely know till married...but in the past the signs were there...I ignored them. Now I don't ignore them. If they are there...I moved on.

[Caladan 19]

Just a lil tidbit.....Dee also let him know all that beforehand and he swore he would never do such a thing......

Also I'd be careful with that gun 'cause it can always be used against you if you're not careful and the other person gets a hold of it. Guns make me very scared because they tend to give women a false sense of security where in reality in a split second it can be taken away from them and used against them.

Definitely be careful with the gun. Or the threat 'I'll shoot you.' Statistically I'm pretty sure more women are likely to be victims of violence of their own gun than successfully defend themselves, but no matter. You're not actually going to shoot him if he screams at you or hits you, say the odds, and the law's not going to back you up if it's revenge and not self-defense (and are you going to wear the loaded gun?) so don't rely on it mentally.

On asking him beforehand.... I'd bet it's the rare idiot who would confess to planning to beat his wife, or that he supports domestic violence. Just like everyone is always faithful, responsible with money, and puts the toilet seat down. Actions are a lot louder than words, and reactions are a close second. Did his father beat his mother? What would he do if his sister's husband hit her? Finding out answers to those kinds of questions would be worth more than a ton of personal disavowals of violence.

[ya falaha! 0]

The question, did his father beat his mother?, could work both ways. Either he could repeat this learned behavior or he could be so turned off and disturbed by this behavior that he wouldn't want to repeat it. Another thing to look for is how he treats the female members of his family. Is he demanding or controlling with his mother or sisters?

[Hassan /mony 0]

So far, it ain't lookin' too complimentary for the **non**-MENA men.

I was phsyical and verbal and mental abused by my ex and he was an american , he drank all the time and when he beat me up for the last time i left him and was put in a safe house for batter woman , with my younger girls, when we went through our processing for me to keep the kids his lawyer told him where i was, lucky he never showed up there. and right before our divorce was finalized my baby girl drown in his care. no he did not kill her . , that was the hardest thing i went throught, but his drinking did not stop nor his abuse on my son, my son was 18 at the time and the judge told him he could stay with his dad instead of letting him come with me, abuse is so common that it is scary, and when i was a the safe house there was alot of other woman there who would come in with broken bones and all kind of stuff , that after a few days would just go right back, itry to tell them they did not need to go back ,but they were scared that if they did not go back they wooul get hurt worst. it is hard for them to change or be on their own, my ex was told once you abuse one family member than you could go after the rest of them ,the judge told him that , to this day i don't like him coming over to see his kids, but now we lives 10 hours away from us. I told Hassan about the abuse i went through and he told me he would never do it ,because he just wants to love me and help me take care of my kids. I think here in the states it is starting to be so common that even the police don't want to get involved . one of my coworkers husband beat her she called the cops and they wouldn't do know thing, than she quit working and i found out two days ago she finaly left him, he had been abusing her for 7 years . i am happy she too is a surviver like me.mony Edited September 12, 2007 by Hassan /mony

[caybee 21]

So far, it ain't lookin' too complimentary for the **non**-MENA men.

I was phsyical and verbal and mental abused by my ex and he was an american , he drank all the time and when he beat me up for the last time i left him and was put in a safe house for batter woman , with my younger girls, when we went through our processing for me to keep the kids his lawyer told him where i was, lucky he never showed up there. and right before our divorce was finalized my baby girl drown in his care. no he did not kill her . , that was the hardest thing i went throught, but his drinking did not stop nor his abuse on my son, my son was 18 at the time and the judge told him he could stay with his dad instead of letting him come with me, abuse is so common that it is scary, and when i was a the safe house there was alot of other woman there who would come in with broken bones and all kind of stuff , that after a few days would just go right back, itry to tell them they did not need to go back ,but they were scared that if they did not go back they wooul get hurt worst. it is hard for them to change or be on their own, my ex was told once you abuse one family member than you could go after the rest of them ,the judge told him that , to this day i don't like him coming over to see his kids, but now we lives 10 hours away from us. I told Hassan about the abuse i went through and he told me he would never do it ,because he just wants to love me and help me take care of my kids. I think here in the states it is starting to be so common that even the police don't want to get involved . one of my coworkers husband beat her she called the cops and they wouldn't do know thing, than she quit working and i found out two days ago she finaly left him, he had been abusing her for 7 years . i am happy she too is a surviver like me.mony

How awful to lose a child. I'm very sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Glad you are safe.