Sending Money Home

[RonMay 1]

as what other peeps have said here $700 is a lot of money and i agree with that even if you're living in the big city like manila... unless of course if they live or rent in a big mansion where a big maintenance like $700 is needed... maybe you're mistaken that once she's here she still wants you to send them some money even if she's working and sending them some money? maybe what she meant is when she gets here, she'll work and owe/take the responsibility from you to send them some money... my husband send my mom some money but not on a "regular" basis but only in speacial occasion. of course he wants to send more but i didnt tolerate him even if in my own heart they somehow might need that money... knowing that im here already i always tell him that i'll work for them, half of my salary goes to my family and half goes to my savings account... and he's ok with it but if there's some emergency he'll always be there for them (like when my mom was hospitalized a week ago, he payed all the bills and more coz he feels my mom is part of his life too)... i have 2 bros plus mom living in a same house both bros are in the univeristy each needing $1000/semister plus bills bills bills lol im just thankful that i dont have to pay their school... but as ive said i can only send for what i only have (which is $300/month... i really asked my husband if i could work on his business so i could have a regular salary lol ). i send them some money not because i have to but because i can afford to without my husband's help coz i feel that i am really blessed here and i wanted to share my blessing, it may not be all but just a glimps of it, especially for my mom

hope things will work out for you. i know some filipinas tend to think that all americans are rich but a simple explanation will take care of it

[peteandrepete 0]

"But I got to thinking that she wants me to keep sending the money and she wants to send what she makes too. She has said its traditional that we do this, and that when she comes here, her family will expect this of us."

So, in other words, you're thinking this, not confirming this?

#1 - Where do they live in the Philippines? If in Manila, then $700 for 3 households, would not be a lot of money. But, How were they making it before you arrived on the scene?

#2 - I'm guessing she means, "My family is my burden, I want to work and send them money, your money is our money."

#3 - Big WARNING - You're establishing the RICH AMERICAN concept in the entire family. You need to clarify this issue gently with her, and establish what you would like to sponsor. Always know excactly what your money is intended for. If you don't establish control, your fame will spread to all the uncles and aunts and your requests for money will grow and grow. (My fiancee's extended family have made lots of requests, we both choose to ignore.)

Examples: I have elected to sponsor my future nephew in his high school expenses, and his future college expenses. (about $50/month now, $100/month later) With the understanding that this only happens with good grades, and with progress shown to me. I also paid for 1/2 of a generator for her parents, who live on an island with no electricity. Ann and her sisters paid for the other 1/2. Otherwise, my main contributions at this time are the occassional Pizza Blowout for Ann, her sisters, and cousins who live together.

#4 - Don't get to worried about this. Start talking to her about family and how they are using money, how you two will help, and about your future together. Just define things with her, gently, and you'll soon have an answer.

I'm betting it will all work out, that you're just having a lot of miscommunication, and need to get things cleared up between you two.

Well I was thinking it after she said she would want to come to the US to work and send her money too. I don't understand why if I was supporting the three of them now and she would come here making that one less person that we would then send more money. She says that she doesn't want to live here in a nice place while her family is poor there, especially her mother.

#1 they live in santa rosa .. outside of manila. It took us about 2 hours to get there via car.

#2 yes, she says that she is the oldest daughter and its her responsibility to care for her family and always says its "traditional" when I keep asking why, she said that her father died last year, he was the breadwinner now she says she has to be as her mom is uneducated. Her only option is to work in a club as she also has nothing but a high-school education and that work is hard there. I dont like the idea of her being a bar-girl and going home with men to support her family ..as I think that is what she was doing before we met although she tells me that she was just serving drinks.

#3 I know, she either cannot tell me, won't or we can't communicate .. she aways says its either 'traditional' or "good cause" but I am worried because I don't understand the culture here and if this is right or not.

#4 I'm trying .. I've been asking them to help put a a list together and document the bills and things but it is difficult as they don't seem to want to keep track of where the money goes or I haven't learned how to ask right.

People posting saying red flags and i've asked her to read this and maybe it will help us find a way to work this out.

thank you

Edited August 8, 2007 by peteandrepete

[jj1028 3]

like everyone said, $700 is a lot of money for 3 people, not unless you are paying everything from apartment rent to utilities and food and every thing else they need.. Imagine someone bringing home a minimum wage of like PHP300+/daily for a family of 5 or more, they can do with it... There are lots of job available in the market right now, esp in the call center industry and it has a decent pay. I think you have to set limitations and talk to your fiance about it if u think its too much, like not sending them what they ask for but send them what u think is ok to help out the expenses... tendency is they will rely on you and become dependent on the money you send them and might even expect for more... well, if you have all the means and it doesnt hurt your pocket then go ahead but its a life time commitment...

edit.. 300 PHP

Edited August 8, 2007 by jj1028

[aappllee 0]

I am getting ready to file all my papers for a K1. I have been doing reasearch on the net and thats how I found this site. I've been to the Philippines now to meet my beloved; however I am concerned and I wanted to ask the group their opinions on this. We were talking last week before I came back to america and she mentioned that once she was here she wanted to go to work to send money back to her mother and younger sister. Right now I am westernunioning them about $700 a month for all three of them. None of them work much and they say jobs are hard to find there. I can believe that now that I have seen the place. But I got to thinking that she wants me to keep sending the money and she wants to send what she makes too. She has said its traditional that we do this, and that when she comes here, her family will expect this of us. I do love her and I want for her to have a good life there, especially while we wait. She just doesnt seem to be able to tell me what the money goes for. When I press on this subject noone will talk to me.

How much do others send? what is "traditional?" and how do you talk (or get them) to talk to you about money?

Providing for the whole family IS NOT A FILIPINO TRADITION. It's just that poverty and unemployment seems to be filipino dilemma. If your wondering why filipinos send ALOT of money to there families, its because 1. they are the breadwinner (sends siblings to school, pays for parent's hospital bills and medinices, etc) 2. they want to show gratitude to their parents

If your fiance is a breadwinner and when she gets to the US, then you should EXPECT that her family will always be on top of her budget. It's her money anyway so if she wants to send most of it to their family then let her (as long as she helps you out with the bills, if you need help at all). But if its YOUR money ($700 a month) that she wants you to send to her and her family... hmmmm..... i dont know how to say it. I dont want you to doubt your fiance but before sending out that money, find out what it would be used for. $700 might not be alot for some especially if there are medical bills to pay or medicine to buy. However for an average filipino family of 3, $700 is ALOT! ALOT!

I think you should talk to your fiance. If you really want to help them out every month, why not ask her to make a list of things they need to pay in a monthly basis. If she can justify $700 then go ahead and send her the money.

Just be careful not breed dependence and helplessness in them.

[Paulily 0]

Wow you are a very generous american guy! Shes very blessed to have you.

I know Sta. Rosa, Laguna and I lived there for 2 years. It's like Manila also - lots of Malls, Club Bars and Factories ( more than 50 manufacturing plants for electronics), I was wondering why can't she work as a factory worker even high school graduate can apply its more decent than in a bar.

Wow that $700 is a salary of an Assistant Manager or Supervisor in a Manufacturing Company in Laguna Technopark ( Industrial Factory Area nearby). To think she is working as a bar waitress that money per month is a luxury already. Lets convert the $700 to peso let say exchange rate is Php 45.00 = Php 31,500

My husband send me 150 dollars every 2 weeks after i resigned from work last 2005 till I got here May this year. That 300 dollars per month can make me go to watch movies weekly if I like. I am a regular customer in a Spa and Hair Salon already. I buy my own grocery and shop for clothes when I need. But I make sure my husband knows where the money goes and he trust me.

You deserve to know where the money goes. It is your right. If she has a good intention I'm very sure she will be the one to tell it all not waiting for your question.

Filipino's thinks that americans are all rich. Be carefull of that and try to teach her early so she will not expect too much.

Lily

[Jimmy and Angela 0]

My wife and I own a couple of businesses in Cavite. I send her $50 every 2 weeks just to give her some spending money and on occasion money for visa stuff. She bought her mother a sari sari for $100 so her mother can have money and we bought her brother a tricycle so he can support himself. She pays for most of it out of the businesses with cash to spare and told me if she needs money she will ask. $700 a month is way too much money to send there unless they are living very well. A call center agent there makes between $200 and $300 a month and that is a good wage there.

My wife also asks me about everything she buys and asks if that's ok. (Which I take great humor in because I will always say yes)

This is just my experience.

[MaRob 0]

Well I was thinking it after she said she would want to come to the US to work and send her money too. I don't understand why if I was supporting the three of them now and she would come here making that one less person that we would then send more money. She says that she doesn't want to live here in a nice place while her family is poor there, especially her mother.

#1 they live in santa rosa .. outside of manila. It took us about 2 hours to get there via car.

#2 yes, she says that she is the oldest daughter and its her responsibility to care for her family and always says its "traditional" when I keep asking why, she said that her father died last year, he was the breadwinner now she says she has to be as her mom is uneducated. Her only option is to work in a club as she also has nothing but a high-school education and that work is hard there. I dont like the idea of her being a bar-girl and going home with men to support her family ..as I think that is what she was doing before we met although she tells me that she was just serving drinks.

#3 I know, she either cannot tell me, won't or we can't communicate .. she aways says its either 'traditional' or "good cause" but I am worried because I don't understand the culture here and if this is right or not.

#4 I'm trying .. I've been asking them to help put a a list together and document the bills and things but it is difficult as they don't seem to want to keep track of where the money goes or I haven't learned how to ask right.

People posting saying red flags and i've asked her to read this and maybe it will help us find a way to work this out.

thank you

in both of your posts, you have talked about the lack of communication on this issue. Regardless of how much money or any topic you may discuss with your fiance, communication is a very big issue in a marriage, especially when there are two cultures being considered. Communication is even more important, because you don't have the same background. If she cannot communicate to you about this issue, that is the first issue you need to get squared away.

This other point of not being able to get them to show you where they are spending is scary sounding also.. Your fiance should be able to be the go between in this situation, and she should not be hiding anything from you. Definately think you need to have a straight out, frank discussion about this one...

Good Luck!

[vsmtghdy 2]

Well I was thinking it after she said she would want to come to the US to work and send her money too. I don't understand why if I was supporting the three of them now and she would come here making that one less person that we would then send more money. She says that she doesn't want to live here in a nice place while her family is poor there, especially her mother.

#1 they live in santa rosa .. outside of manila. It took us about 2 hours to get there via car.

#2 yes, she says that she is the oldest daughter and its her responsibility to care for her family and always says its "traditional" when I keep asking why, she said that her father died last year, he was the breadwinner now she says she has to be as her mom is uneducated. Her only option is to work in a club as she also has nothing but a high-school education and that work is hard there. I dont like the idea of her being a bar-girl and going home with men to support her family ..as I think that is what she was doing before we met although she tells me that she was just serving drinks.

#3 I know, she either cannot tell me, won't or we can't communicate .. she aways says its either 'traditional' or "good cause" but I am worried because I don't understand the culture here and if this is right or not.

#4 I'm trying .. I've been asking them to help put a a list together and document the bills and things but it is difficult as they don't seem to want to keep track of where the money goes or I haven't learned how to ask right.

People posting saying red flags and i've asked her to read this and maybe it will help us find a way to work this out.

thank you

Ok, a lot have given their opinion and advises to you and they are all right. This should give you a lot to think about.

I used to live in San Pedro, Laguna and Sta. Rosa is just 2 towns away from where I live. I know the place and I know how people live there. $700 is a lot of money even for a Doctor there. I used to work for a Government Hospital in Binan, Laguna (which is the Town between San Pedro and Sta. Rosa) and as a Medical Officer I (Doctor) my stipend is less than $300/month (less because of the taxes and other deductions). When I was working for the Department of Tourism in Manila as a Medical Officer V, I earned a net of about $400/month. I'm just telling you this so you can do the math. Even a Doctor working in a government hospital will not earn that much that she is asking from you. That is way too much money. There is more of "hidden agenda" there.

Lifestyle in San Pedro and Sta. Rosa is not that much different and it would not cost that much to live in a month. Electricity, if you only have a TV, electric fan and refrigerator would probably cost about p1,000/month. Our electric bill then would come up to p2000/month because we have 4 TV, 2 computers, a fridge, microwave and 6 electric fans. My sister's electric bill (she lives a few steps from our house) have a TV, computer, fridge, microwave, 2 electric fans and air-con -> if she uses her aircon once in awhile, it would cost about p1000/month.

Does your fiance own their house or they rent? If they own their house, then that's one less payment/bills to pay and to think off. Apartment in that area would cost from p1500-3000/month depending on how big the house is or if it just a room for rent? A whole "Mansion-type" of house would maybe cost about p5000/month.

Water bills for minimum consumage would only cost about p200/month or even less. Sometimes our water bill is less than p100.

Market/grocery items are not that expensive there either. We go to grocery (SM) about 1-2x a month and would costs us (for the whole family) only about p2000-3000/month.

Phone bills is about p800/month (residential in San Pedro) to add other international calls would only cost us p1200-1500/month. Plus my cellphone bills that would cost about p1500-2000/month (because I get calls from my private and government practice and texting and calling my husband).

If your fiance have the same lifestyle as I have then, then you can see that p10,000/month is more than enough. What more can a $700 (p30,000 plus) can do for a month? That is enough to start a small business (store) there and they can get income from that business and you or your fiance would not have to send them anymore.

It is not a "TRADITIONAL THING" so send money to support the family in the Philippines. It is just something that people there would expect that people in the US would do because they think that people in the US are RICH people because they earn in DOLLARS. It not also wrong to wanting to help your family in the Philippines, because I will do the same thing (when I get a job here), but I would not ask nor expect my husband to send money for my family.

It is one of a problem for some people in our Country, about the notion that when their relatives went abroad (as an OFW or marries a foreigner) that they expect they will be receiving money and that they will have better lives and would just be expecting and would not be working for themselves and would just rely on their relatives abroad. We have to teach them how to earn for themselves, being undeducated or underpriviledge is not an excuse for them to just ask and rely on you or your fiance. It is not really a "responsibility" but because you or her wants to "help"... so that means it should not be on a regular monthly basis. They are not working for you and you don't have to send them that "sort of" monthly salary that you have "earned" well here.

You have to talk to your fiance about this and you have to explain to her that you are not "rich" (or are you?). That there are ways you can help them but not always monetary and not that much. If she loves you that much and she is not after your money then she would understand and you can have some compromise on how to help her family in the Philippines.

Just my opinion.

Edited August 8, 2007 by vsmtghdy

[*JG* 2]

I just wanted to say you guys are "the bomb" on good advice today. What a wonderfully reasonable and nice discussion. We have some of the same issues with Andre's family back in Jamaica. I am going to print out some of this and show him some of your wonderful suggstions that he can "discuss" with his family.

Thanks so much guys.

[Jasman0717 9]

Claudeth, the oldest, sends her family about $300 a month and that keeps them in food and the titution for the kids. She has three brothers and three sisters. Two brothers and the older sister are in college. They live in Cagayan on Mindanao. I am sure they would be in hog heaven if Claudeth sent them $700 a month. A good income around there is about 200 to 300 pesos a day.

[garya505 2]

I am getting ready to file all my papers for a K1. I have been doing reasearch on the net and thats how I found this site. I've been to the Philippines now to meet my beloved; however I am concerned and I wanted to ask the group their opinions on this. We were talking last week before I came back to america and she mentioned that once she was here she wanted to go to work to send money back to her mother and younger sister. Right now I am westernunioning them about $700 a month for all three of them. None of them work much and they say jobs are hard to find there. I can believe that now that I have seen the place. But I got to thinking that she wants me to keep sending the money and she wants to send what she makes too. She has said its traditional that we do this, and that when she comes here, her family will expect this of us. I do love her and I want for her to have a good life there, especially while we wait. She just doesnt seem to be able to tell me what the money goes for. When I press on this subject noone will talk to me.

How much do others send? what is "traditional?" and how do you talk (or get them) to talk to you about money?

I'm seeing some red flags here like the others. $700/month is a lot IMO and apparently you've established yourself as a cash cow. Now you will have to be wondering just exactly what is the basis of your relationship. Personally, when I was still "dating" I avoided those kinds of situations like the plague.

My wife never asked me for money before or after we were married, though I did give her small amounts after we were engaged to make her life easier before she came here. Of course I made sure she had anything she needed (but I always knew what it was for). We send a small amount of money to her parents to help them out, and she loves to tell me what it's for and what they spend it on.

I hope it works out for you, but I can see some concerns here.

[Dakine 26]

dont like the idea of her being a bar-girl and going home with men to support her family ..as I think that is what she was doing before we met although she tells me that she was just serving drinks

You could run into BIG problems with USCIS if this is true.

Sounds like she may have been living a bit higher than the average pinay before you showed up!

Edited August 8, 2007 by beckypua

[sunandmoon 450]

as far as sending money, my wife and I decided not to send money on a regular monthly basis, but on a need basis. we'll put aside money, then send it when there is a need; medical, home repair, etc...

I agree sending $700 a month seems to be alot. an unwillingness to justify what it is being used for would raise a red flag with me. you definately need some open communication with your fiancee on this issue to avoid future complications.

best of luck to you.

Edited August 9, 2007 by Roy and Yazi

[mr_gossiper? 0]

#3 - Big WARNING - You're establishing the RICH AMERICAN concept in the entire family. You need to clarify this issue gently with her, and establish what you would like to sponsor. Always know excactly what your money is intended for. If you don't establish control, your fame will spread to all the uncles and aunts and your requests for money will grow and grow. (My fiancee's extended family have made lots of requests, we both choose to ignore.)

I agree. I know of someone who sends money to his fiancee , even gifts to nieces. . now she will be interviewed by september and he is already complaining to me he is financially hard up. He is renting a room and missed his last car payment. I guess he wants to impress her too much and the family he is not thinking about the time she will finally get to america. Not smart at all.

[/quote

you don't know the truth... i heard stories too but i keep my mouth shut coz it's none of my business

[chipsahoy 3]

People posting saying red flags and i've asked her to read this and maybe it will help us find a way to work this out.

thank you

You should have teached her how to respect you and your money.. Just my two cents. Good luck!